SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You’ve had great advice already and I don’t have much to add other than to tell you that if you stay you will make yourself ill. Read my story as a warning. There’s nothing to work with here, you’re living with a flaming narcissist monster.

First post on this site.. I was about to post a similar story to yours (she has had 4 affairs that I know of, have confronted her on the first two, she reassured me it wouldn't happen again, and I see she's on #4 as I type. Lots of good cuddles to confuse me as to where she is and wants to be in her relationships, etc, but the lies and cheating continue).

I just wanted to chime in and say that ya, as the many good posts above have said, divorce is probably the only option at this point. It's certainly not an *easy* option (especially with kids, and I have 2 as well with her), but less stressful than having to keep tabs on her and wonder what she's up to every minute she's not in plain sight. I haven't told my WW yet that I want to divorce, planning to get my ducks in a row first and meet with an attorney to see how this could play out.

I know you say you still love her. I feel that too with mine, but started asking myself "do I love this woman, or the woman I thought I married?" I believe the woman I married is gone (maybe never truly existed, except in my wishful thoughts?). And think of it this way - no matter how much you love her, if she died today you'd still need to bury her and move on. This is really no different unfortunately. Your wife (as well as mine) is dead to you. No fault of yours. It's unfortunate and outside of anyone's control. I feel your pain.

The thought of divorce to me is like jumping from an accelerating car without brakes. You know you have to jump, and waiting just makes it worse, but still no easy thing to do..

Hang in there man. We're in the same boat and we'll navigate these waters together!

I am sorry you are here. Like just about everyone else on this site I can say this site saved me - my sanity and my future. Take from it what you want and leave the rest.

1. You are afraid to let go of the outcome. You have stayed with her in the past because you feel like telling her how you feel/telling her to get out/telling her anything that might hinder her desire to apologize and say she wants to stay would push her away. In other words, you are trying to control the outcome with your own behaviors. Do not feel embarrassed - most of us do this in the beginning. I certainly did.

You will be doing yourself a huge favor when you get to the moment where you realize - I mean fully own that you cannot control what other people are going to do or how they are going to react to things. This is why focusing on yourself is the right path - really the only path forward. Get yourself in a better position to take care of you and saying what you actually feel - what you need/want. As other people pointed out here, your actions in the past appear to be saying "I want you, WS, no matter what you do. I would prefer that you are faithful but I will take whatever scraps you are willing to give." If that is not how you want to proceed - if you know you cannot live like that, than say so. It took me awhile to realize that I would rather be alone than live with someone that I did not trust - who was not trustworthy and who did not treat me the way I wanted to be treated. It was much easier then to say my peace - and I am much happier for it.

Feeling this way is 100% NORMAL especially in the beginning. So ask yourself what do you want? What do you need? Are you REALLY okay with living the way you have been? Do you think your love can sustain this kind of damage year in and year out?

2. Staying for the kids post-discovery nevertheless while infidelity is ongoing (in my very controversial opinion) is NOT good for them. I use this analogy: Your house is on fire. Do you leave your kids in the burning house and try to put out the flames or move them away to relative safety and then go back in (or watch it burn to the ground)? As a child who lived though some of this nightmare, one of the best things my parents did was separate while they tried to navigate this mess. It was hard for us in the beginning but it was SO much better than living in a house filled with tension and anger and sadness - although we witnessed very little of it first hand we could FEEL it and it WAS STRESSFUL for my sister and I. The separation was hard but it was done and we moved forward instead of stewing in some gross limbo. While there are studies about married versus divorced parents and the effect on children, I do not know of any addressing infidelity and its effect on those statistics - infidelity hurts the whole family.

You will get though this. Putting yourself first is the best thing you can do for you and your kids.