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I can imagine that had to suck InkHulk, and that you may still be chewing over the conversation.

Now, I am NOT a doctor, but my gut feeling is that a good doctor will tell you--when you are ready to hear that is!--that even though the nerve damage is telling you that your arm is truly ripped off--the truth is that your arm in fact will heal, growing back healthier and stronger than ever. The feeling that you lost a limb despite doing all you could to save it though, well that feeling may still last quite a while I imagine.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:10 PM, Wednesday, June 26th]

Now, I am NOT a doctor, but my gut feeling is that a good doctor will tell you--when you are ready to hear that is!--that even though the nerve damage is telling you that your arm is truly ripped off--the truth is that your arm in fact will heal, growing back healthier and stronger than ever. The feeling that you lost a limb despite doing all you could to save it though, well that feeling may still last quite a while I imagine.

At this point, I’ve already done it. And others have chimed in that it totally makes sense to them. So what is your angle now?

Also, you really need to work on some of these analogies.

I'm glad you have ripped off the band aid, IH. Nothing could happen from a healing or growth standpoint for you until it happened.

As for your wife, I know I sound like a broken record, but... manipulation is all she really knows. Her idea of solving a problem is to find a way to make those around her move to solve it...even as she is the source of the problem. This is precisely why she will never be a healthy partner for anyone, including you.

On foot in front of the other, my friend, and do your best to show yourself some grace.

I take it to mean she is reminding me of walking away from that.

If she wanted to anything other than that, she could have written me telling me of HER love.

This is what I got out of it too. I know we aren’t analyzing anymore but this reinforces to me she is blocked more by selfishness than shame. It’s as if the people on this board know how hard this is for you more than the person you live with. And she had every opportunity to show you something different, I don’t think it would have had to be even a gigantic leap forward for you to pause- so I hope that the guilt trip isn’t working. (Doesn’t sound like it).

I'm sorry, Ink.

If she wanted to anything other than that, she could have written me telling me of HER love. Instead she shoves in my face that she is sad that she is losing my love.

B-B-B-Bingo.

the truth is that your arm in fact will heal, growing back healthier and stronger than ever.

My nephew is currently working on his PhD in whatever kind of biology would make this possible. When he tries to describe it in layman's terms, he references growing back a cut-off finger. Put the analogy on the shelf for a few years until it works.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:07 PM, Wednesday, June 26th]

I know right how you feel Ink.I’m in that same position at the moment where ww has left to life her fantasy and rainbow life with her posom and my 16 year old daughter is living with me . I’ve been trying to find the right time and way to tell her what is about to start happening.Every time I start to try I just stop and can’t bring myself to look her in the eyes and say that this is the end of our family,it just kills me to think that her fragile life will be changed on no fault of her forever.. I just snuck in to her room right before I sat down to type this ,and she was sleeping with her ear buds in. I turned off the tv and just stood there looking at her hoping that she was having a good dream getting away from this shit show of a life that is at the moment .

I wonder what her world is like, because it bears no resemblance to the one I live in.

Made me remember this:

[This message edited by gr8ful at 1:11 AM, Thursday, June 27th]

Children often know more than we think they do, even when they don’t really understand what they "know". I think they do better when their parents are honest and just tell them when something major is happening or will happen soon, instead of their parents trying to shield them from the truth. Just like BS’s prefer to know what’s really going on in their lives, I think it’s beneficial for children to have that same kind of information, in an age appropriate way, on a need to know kind of basis.

BS’s don’t do well with wondering what’s really going on in their lives when they sense or KNOW something is amiss, I imagine children probably don’t do well with that either. And the thing with children is that, they tend to internalize things when they know on some level that there are definitely some problems somewhere in the household, and might think that they are the problem that’s causing the tension or whatever, so if they just do this or that, maybe things will get better at home, even when that is the furthest thing from the truth, because the problems have nothing at all to do with them.

I understand how difficult it must have been for you, talking to your children about the state of your marriage. But it was the right thing to do, now that you’ve made your mind up. I stopped typing and said a prayer for you and your children while I was typing this post. I am still a work in progress, so I may or may not have said a prayer for your wife.

I understand that people's emotions and point of view varies a great deal with milestones like this, and they vary wildly within the same person depending on the week, day, or hour. It's like being caught in an ocean wave and going up and down, sometimes getting a breath of air when you get churned to the top and being revitalized with a moment of hope, and other times hitting a rock on the ocean floor and being demoralized with pain and hopelessness. But I'm right there with you in the sense that I don't think I'd be in a celebratory/hopeful mood in this moment either. It's really tough.

A lot of people have mentioned how divorce can feel like the death of a loved one. And I actually just passed the 10 year anniversary of my mother's way too young death this week. She died of liver failure, which if you have ever witnessed, is a very long, cruel, slow death. She spent months under home hospice care in pain and confusion as her liver failed to clear toxins from her blood and her thinking became near impossible. I knew she was dying. I was certain. And I even looked forward to it after years of struggle and those final couple months of hospice care where she was suffering and absolutely not herself. I thought there'd be a sense of relief at her passing, but when it happening, nothing could prepare me for the pain and shock. I remember getting away by myself at the funeral home selecting her casket, surrounded by caskets on display, and falling to my knees in uncontrollable sobbing. I was handling all the business of funeral and life insurance and all of it (divorced parents, oldest child). And I had a moment and just broke. Eventually relief did come. I had clarity that she was no longer suffering and felt like it was time for life to move forward, but still mixed with sorrow. But why was I shocked? Why was I hit like i wasn't expecting it? I think I still held out hope for a miracle I wasn't even praying for any longer. I still, deep deep down, hoped for this miraculous turn around, that she wouldn't die. I think that's a part of true love. Maybe that's the "hopes all things" or something like it of 1st (one, as opposed to 2 corinthians) Corinthians 13. We keep hoping against all odds. And until it's totally done, we continue to be shocked and stunned. I think the shock could be a sign that you truly, deeply, purely loved (love?) her, your marriage, your children, all of it. And that's honorable. That's why you fought so so hard. Its noble, man. You've fought and been fighting the good fight on this. And you'll probably be shocked more times to come with various steps in the process, and that's normal and it's OK to get alone and fall to your knees and weep before getting back up and moving forward. It doesn't mean this is the wrong path. It doesn't mean return to a state of limbo hoping for a miracle. It just means that you're grieving like a human who truly loved and poured himself into someone in a way they violated and continue to violate in the most evil and callous ways. It means you've done this right, you truly did offer a sincere gift of restoration that she spurned. Gonna keep praying for you brother.

@InkHulk, post #22

At this point, I’ve already done it. And others have chimed in that it totally makes sense to them. So what is your angle now?

Also, you really need to work on some of these analogies.

I think I was saying what I had said in your last thread...I was intending it to be supportive, I am sorry if it did not come across that way.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:36 PM, Friday, June 28th]

Thank you for all the support, it truly means so much to me. I’m not going to reply as thoroughly as I otherwise might. I’m just ridiculously sad. Marine’s story resonates. It feels over, like hope isn’t even an option anymore and what was hidden away died and left a void.

InkHulk,
I am sending you strength and prayers ! This too shall pass !!

I saw this on the net. Don’t know if it applies to you but maybe… I tweaked it a bit.
Yes, they know what they are doing
No, they will not change
Yes, they could stop if they truly wanted to
No, you are not going to fix them with even more love
Yes, they can control themselves like they do in front of others
No, they do not care about hurting you and…
Yes, they know they are hurting you
No, they truly do not love you, even if they say they do
Yes, they are capable of insidious manipulation
No, they are not capable of empathy but…
Yes, they can fake it
No, they will not take accountability for anything
Yes, they will gaslight you and make you feel crazy
No, you did not cause whatever made them this way
Yes, it is ok to leave, divorce ,go no contact, what ever you need to do
No, it is not your fault.

Yesterday was my second antiversary, I didn’t even note it until this morning. It was about a year ago since d-day 2. Hard to believe early summer isn’t going to haunt me for the rest of my life. That is unless WBFA has some kind of pep talk for this

I’m not sure if I should embrace the feelings and sit in my sadness or pick myself up off the ground. I think I need to feel whatever this is and function just enough around the edges. Truly a death without a funeral. And so almost no one around me understands or even knows I feel this way.

Anyone have a "marriage funeral"? Some kind of somber ritual to mark the end?

Anyone have a "marriage funeral"? Some kind of somber ritual to mark the end?

What got me through the funk of filing was planning the rest of my life. I literally sat down and made a list of things that I was looking forward to and things that I could do with all the time and emotional energy I had been pouring into trying to fix my marriage.

I am a big believer in lists, BtB. I agree with you. It puts your needs, wants, hopes right there in black and white. Everyone I know keeps these on their phones but I need mine on paper. As I accomplish something I highlight it with yellow magic marker. I keep adding to it but it is not intimidating. It is just a nice way to see progress. It can be a bucket list, or a to do list, or just a way to help organize your thoughts.
What you are facing is the unknown which is so very scary. You not only desire love, you need it. Find a support group. There are people who can be ready to answer the phone in the middle of the night if you need them. Please don’t be a guy! Don’t let pride stop you from asking others to be there. The more we depend on devices the less we get the hugs we need.

@InkHulk, post #34

That is unless WBFA has some kind of pep talk for this tongue wink

I aim to please...

The people whom you love, who passed, deserve your tears. They served you well in life. So it is appropriate that they are getting the honor of you grieving hard in their name, for the loss of them.

Your STBX-WW? Not so much.

Don't besmirch the memories of your virtuous beloved by comparing the pain of losing them, to that of the loss of relationship with the shrew-Lady.

Yeah, this post is of a different tone than many of the others here. I would say that these types of posts that come across insensitive, in getting you (@InkHulk) irritated, may actually HELP you. You took a break from being sad by being pissed with me and my gall, even if only for a few moments, so it actually did you a favor. You'll never admit that though

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:48 PM, Friday, June 28th]

The people whom you love, who passed, deserve your tears. They served you well in life. So it is appropriate that they are getting the honor of you grieving hard for their loss.

Your STBX-WW? Not so much.

Don't besmirch the memories of your virtuous beloved by comparing the pain of losing them, to that of the loss of relationship with the shrew-Lady.

Fuck, dude, I genuinely never know what is coming with you. I like that. And I wasn’t expecting this. And it’s jolting, but acceptably somehow. I’m actually not quite sure how to respond to this right now. I’ll say that I’m losing more than just her, but that doesn’t seem adequate. All models are wrong, you may be pointing out an important ending point of my "this feels like a death" model.

There are people who can be ready to answer the phone in the middle of the night if you need them. Please don’t be a guy! Don’t let pride stop you from asking others to be there. The more we depend on devices the less we get the hugs we need.

I have my IRL support. I can’t talk about the intricacies of infidelity with them like I do here, but I have warm arms to get a hug from now and again. And I think you asked earlier about therapy, and I’ve certainly availed myself of that. Thanks for showing up these rough days, I appreciate it.

What got me through the funk of filing was planning the rest of my life. I literally sat down and made a list of things that I was looking forward to and things that I could do with all the time and emotional energy I had been pouring into trying to fix my marriage.

Thanks, I like that suggestion.