SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So your current wife just had an affair. You had an affair on your ex wife. Your ex wife is just getting remarried. You blame your ex wife for your affair. Your current wife wants to apologize to your ex wife because she's shameful for what's she's done to you. There is no logical person that can't see this recipe for disaster. Did you talk to your daughter about what could happen if this goes off the rails. Because people acting like adults is not what prior history is showing. And wishing it goes good is not going to make it go good. Seems like nobody is putting the kids first. My nephews parents got divorced via an affair. They were not the same kids after. Do what's right for your kids. Put them first. They should be proud of their parents. Not watching them devolve into a bench clearing hockey game. Just because your AP is part of your life doesnt mean your ex wife wants her in hers. You're just throwing salt on a very deep wound. You've now been on both sides of infidelity? Want your wife's AP to show up too?

DDT:

You have received excellent responses. I can only add and emphasize: Your ExW may be exactly as you describe and you have lingering resentments from your M to her. But any tension or animosity arising from her at this event was caused by YOUR infidelity and actions. You caused the potential for conflict in this situation. These are the consequences of your actions. Therefore it is incumbent upon you to step up and take the initiative to help your ExW enjoy this important event. Take the initiative and ask her how she wishes to handle this event together and follow her advice. Your empathy and thoughts in putting her first will help in future family events for your children.

Here’s my two cents. FWIW

The focus here is the daughter (in my experience the child is first and should always be first and the adults need to act accordingly).

I’m going to assume your daughter has a good relationship with your current wife. I have had friends in your exact situation that had restraining orders against spouses (for good reasons) and have had to interact in person in the best interest of the children. And one parent was always willing to do the right thing in the best interest of their children.

That being said, the XW and CW should not interact at the event. Sit in the same row or section but far apart. Show up. Act proud (as you will be) and go home.

If anyone wants to start something, you walk away. You don’t engage.

The CW wants to apologize? Okay but not at this event. Another time. The XW tries to start something? First if you are not in proximity to her nothing can start. Second if it does happen you don’t react.

Someone needs to be the stand up adult here and IMO it is on the OP to set the tone. Don’t embarrass your daughter. Don’t let the ugly past be part of this exciting event. The child had nothing to do with the D and should not have her day ruined because adults cannot keep it together for a few hours.

Don’t want to argue w/ anyone but come on, sometimes people just need to do the right thing. Not because the XH deserves it or the XW is entitled to have her say, it’s because this event is not about them. It’s about doing the right thing for their child.

Again just my own opinion.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:57 PM, Saturday, January 31st]

IMO your wife should not attend. She (and you) created this uncomfortable situation and while you should be there your wife is not family to your daughter And if she has any grace she will not attend

Let your XW enjoy this event that is for her daughter. Don't make a bad situation worse by bringing your AP.

I would feel differently if you and your ex simply divorced because you no longer got along and then you met your current wife but you cheated and caused an incredible amount of trauma to your ex-wife so do not throw salt in the wound by bringing your AP to the ceremony

Fascinating logic.

​You’ve both managed to convince yourselves that your infidelity—while "wrong," naturally—was actually your partner's fault for being a "narcissist." Tell me: do you apply that same convenient standard to your current wife’s cheating? Following your own "logic," does that make you the narcissist? Is her betrayal justified by your personality flaws, or does that rule only apply when you are the one doing the soul-searching?

​Honestly, to echo the consensus, I’d suggest your current wife stays far away from this. It’s painfully clear you haven’t grown enough to grasp the wreckage you left in your wake. It's painfully obvious that at this rate, your current wife never will. Don’t worry, though—I suspect that realization will finally sink in once you’ve gained a little more "lived experience" on the receiving end. A woman who begins as a mistress and transitions into a cheating wife will likely have persistent issues with loyalty; I imagine you’ll be forced to figure that out moving forward.

​has allowed one of our daughters to basically become an alcoholic so that she would "bond with" her new fiancé’s family?

​What were you and your wayward wife up to while this was happening? Is your ex-wife solely responsible for your daughter’s struggles, or are you just bitter that she moved on? Let me guess: you and the "other woman" are the only ones permitted to start over.

​My CW has not been faithful to me, but she has been a wonderful partner otherwise. I joke that prior to meeting her, I was like Pinocchio, and she helped me to become "a real boy" again.

​I’m glad you’re taking your turn in the hot seat so gracefully. Sounds romantic. Given the history you've accounted, the bitter way you've describe your EX. You and your current wife do indeed seem well suited.

Since you asked for advice, here is mine:

- ​Self-Reflection (For once): Before you label everyone else a narcissist, try looking in a mirror. You might find that the common denominator in these messy betrayals isn't your partners’ personalities, but your own lack of impulse control.

​- The "Stay Home" Policy: Spare your current wife the embarrassment of attending. Watching you rationalize your past mistakes while she’s busy making her own is a level of irony no one needs to witness in person.

​- Invest in a Dictionary: Since you’re so fond of clinical terms, look up "projection." It will help you understand why you’re so desperate to cast your ex as the villain in a story where you were the one breaking vows.

​I wish your ex-wife nothing but genuine happiness with her new partner. Hopefully, he’s the type of man who can "survive" her supposed narcissism without feeling the need to crawl into someone else's bed. If your ex is anything like me, your current wife's apologies would feel about as empty as your current wife's moral integrity.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 2:36 PM, Saturday, January 31st]

Wow. So much here.

The simple solution involves you and CW writing a very strong APOLOGY LETTER to your ex wife, before this event.

Apologize. And do it in a way that does not involve any blameshifting to your ex wife, who did NOT cause your affair no matter what you want to believe.

In that letter, use the word "I" often. "I did the wrong thing" and "I hurt you" and "CW and I were completely wrong".

Do not use the word "but". That word basically erases everything you wrote before it.

Do not tell her how to feel. Don’t tell her what you should have done.

Do tell her that your selfishness has caused you to focus only on your own feelings and needs, and not consider those of others. Then tell her you’re working on this in therapy, and have a long way to go.

You do have a long way to go. From where I sit, you seem to blame your ex for being hurt, angry, and distrustful of you - when the fact is that you lied, cheated, and made her the scapegoat for your atrocious actions.

DARVO seems like your go-to. Make the victim the bad guy.

One thing you missed here? This will be only the beginning of these events. Your kids will get engaged, have weddings, have babies….and you and CW will be faced with your ex over and over again.

Start now, apologize, admit the shame, and hope she has made enough progress in her own healing that she will not burn your letter. If she does burn it, I would say good for her, because your attitude at this point after ten years is really bad.

as an outsider reading your telling and defense of the situation: It comes off like your daughter's desire to have everyone there together is an opportunity to show everyone how your XW is the ultimate problem, without any conflict being your fault or on your impetus.

It's not matching up to me that you would "hope" XW will behave when it comes to you going ahead with an ill-advised plan to have CW and XW together for the first time at an emotional and public event, but when you defend your infidelity XW is a horrid narcissist and destroyer. If XW is so horrible you get to contextualize your infidelity around it, wouldn't it be obvious that getting everyone together at this event is guaranteed to become a disaster? Why is the only option the maximum-stakes one, why wouldn't you organize meeting beforehand in a less charged setting to work towards the goal of everyone together at a public event, if the actual goal is harmony for your daughter?

Just sit somewhere else. No one at the school has any authority to tell you who you must sit with. That's just ridiculous. I can't believe the school employees aren't aware of and sensitive to the fact that some family members shouldn't be near each other.

BoundaryBuilder,

WHY would the school insist families sit together - even blended and extended families?

They apparently have something planned for senior night that requires proximity and assigned seating in the auditorium. I'm trying to find out the details and whether the school would be willing and able to accommodate us sitting separately, if it wouldn't cause a disruption to the program. All I have right now are the tickets with the reserved seats that Daughter emailed to her mother and I.

The evening should be about honoring the seniors performing in the play

Should be, yes. That is why I'm trying to figure out how D can have everyone she wants to have there for her without drama.

Maybe you're doing the pick me dance with CW so want to placate her - want to make sure she's included front and center? Or maybe you're hoping for tacit public acknowledgment that cheating and lying with CW was all worth it in the end by presenting a united front in those "family" seats? ... if it's REALLY necessary to keep the "b****H be crazy" ex (what a trope)

CW would not go out of decency if she knew XW was attending, but for the fact that D has asked her to be there. If I could go back in time and do things the right way, obviously I would. I’m not denying that I’ve done wrong or that this situation is a consequence of my actions. I'm not describing XW's character the way I am as a means of excusing myself from my own infidelity. There are no excuses for it. I'm describing her that way because that's the truth of her, how she was the 20+ years of our marriage and how she still is. All these wild accusations of ulterior motives are insane. I know people love for there to be a clear hero and villain in every story. Unfortunately there are only villains in ours.

As for your wife’s affair, she only blocked her AP a little over month ago… and only after much grief and suffering your part. Your predication that you’re a unicorn couple who will be fully reconciled by year 2, despite the fact that your wife is a multiple offender, is rather premature. Further, saying that your current wife is wonderful except for her cheating is like saying "this car is great except it has no breaks."

To clarify, D-Day was last February, almost a year ago. Though CW’s AP disrespected her request for NC multiple times, I have found no evidence of her responding to him in any way except by eventually blocking his number, however delayed it was. I have found no evidence of further infidelity with anyone else, either. And trust me, I went crazy about searching for any indication at all. She appears to be clean. She has maintained NC, she answered all of my questions and confessed to previous infidelities that I otherwise wouldn’t have found out about, she understands how much she hurt me, she owns up for her actions and demonstrates remorse, she listens to me without being defensive whenever I want to talk about it and apologizes, and she is actively attending therapy and working on her underlying issues. All is going well.

As a BS, it can be really difficult to accept a lack of evidence of continued infidelity after betrayal. Our brains are wired to keep looking and looking for it, in an effort to keep us safe. I have to accept it if I’m finding none, if I want to move forward in my marriage and find peace again. I can’t say that I forgive CW yet, but I believe I will get there someday. To go with your car analogy, yes, the breaks failed. They were removed and replaced with new ones, and they are passing ongoing safety testing so far. The positive features of the car are still positive features of the car, so it doesn’t make sense to speak ill of them. My previous car was a lemon, and as such I will refer to it as a lemon. The breaks may possibly have worked on that one, but it also didn’t drive at all, nor was it safe to operate. I’m glad to be rid of it.

Jailedmind,

I do not blame XW for my affair at all. CW wants to apologize for being the OW because it was wrong and she knows it. She wanted to apologize even before her own infidelity. D shouldn’t have to guess at whether the adults in her life will act like adults in each other’s company, nor have to choose between them on her special day.

The1stWife,

Thank you. I agree. I will ask CW to keep quiet and to create space where possible if XW gets unruly. I’m sure she will be amenable to that. I’ll work on the logistics until then.

[This message edited by darkdustythoughts at 5:19 PM, Saturday, January 31st]

Sorry, you aren't going to get one single bit of sympathy from me for your situation. You expect your EW to suck it up for the sake of you and your CW disrespect.

I've been in this situation, and it's triggering, and shows your selfishness. The two people that deserve to watch your daughter are you and your EW.

No amount of apology is going to make this better. You will make your EW suffer through this arrangement with the premise of not making a scene. Separate seating will NOT make your EW more comfortable. It only makes it less likely for a confrontation. She will be silently brewing in the background, and that will distract from her focus on what's important, your daughter.

She is ENTITLED to make a scene, just not there. If you want to clear the air, I strongly suggest you pick a different time, and my intuition as a betrayed spouse is I might be inclined to tell your CW to "fuck off". No amount of "sorry" is going to fix this.

If you have any backbone, conscience, or morals you will ask your CW to sit this one out. You have a separate life with her, and the event is for your daughter. The people that are the most important in your daughter's life are her mother and her father.

Pick a different time and place to try to mend what the two of you broke. It's up to you EW if she feels the apology will help her healing process or it will feel like another kick in the teeth. You have to understand "I'm sorry I broke your heart, your life, your trust" in no way makes the pain less for her. She may have years ahead of her to try to process the loss of trust, sense of self, and all the things a woman or man loses when betrayed by the one person they should have been safe with.

Her "undiagnosed narcissism" is fancy language to avoid accountability. No get out of jail card here. If a marriage is bad, leave, but don't disguise infidelity as some sort of validation.

The only two people that your daughter needs are her parents. Anyone else outside of that should stay home for everyones well being, and safety. The last thing your daughter needs is stress, or a disasterous confrontation at an event that should be to celebrate her.

I'm overly harsh, but seriously how in the world could you imagine this turning out beneficial? You want to have your cake and eat it too, and that's not likely to happen in this situation. Do the right thing and have your CW decline to go for everyones benefit.