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Another step forward last week, I have had the house valued so can now make a final decision whether to stay or go. I also had to have a telephone conversation with STBXWW to agree the valuation and that I would be paying her half of that value, regardless of whether I stay or not.

I was again met with a barrage of ‘there is no rush to sort out the financial details, or progress with the D’, it seems that she is still not happy with the pace that I am progressing and she wants me to slow down. It is not clear why though, unless she is still unsure whether she wants a D, or is still trying to keep me as backup. Whatever her thinking I am not letting it distract or concern me.

She has made numerous choices that have led us to where we are and I am now just moving ahead with my life. For me that means getting the financial settlement agreed by the Court and finalising the D. Her new life with AP will not be my concern.

I guess this is totally normal but as more time passes I am finding my resolve hardening, and my disgust at her behaviour increasing. Clearly I was too trusting and gullible, but that is my nature and I can live with my choices, especially as the person lying to my face should have been the one person I could trust.

You are doing exactly the right thing, and I admire you.

She’s likely having to come to terms with reality not being like she fantasized. I’m guessing she thought life with her AP would be better than it is, and I bet she also thought you’d stay in some kind of limbo where you exist as her backup option.

Instead, you’re moving on, living your life, and finding your own happiness.

Good for you! You’re an inspiration.

As I have gotten older and matured a little, it is clearer and clearer to me that any lack of satisfaction I have in my life rests almost entirely with me. Maybe this thought is stirring somewhere in her but is still undefined and intangible. And maybe it will always be that way for her.

But it doesn't matter what's in her head if you see clearly that D is the best option for you. It certainly seems like the absolute right choice from my distant perspective. And quickly too.

However, if I read between the lines at all correctly, I feel like you still harbor some degree of sentiment that if she dropped AP and was truly remorseful, you might give R a go. If that is the case, should you question her on why she is hesitating about the D? Or just move forward as you are and realize that if any type of R was ever meant to be that it could happen after a D.

I am happy to see your progress out of infidelity.

I am finding my resolve hardening, and my disgust at her behaviour increasing

Many people say that indifference is the opposite of love. However I read in a book that saying is incorrect. They say that real opposite of love is disgust. A person can not love something that disgusts them. I am not saying that you do not love her, but that you abhor her behavior. That will continue to separate the two of you and with her disgusting actions that separation is what you need.

Happy holidays to you.

Interesting comment TRDDD

you still harbor some degree of sentiment that if she dropped AP and was truly remorseful, you might give R a go. If that is the case, should you question her on why she is hesitating about the D? Or just move forward as you are and realize that if any type of R was ever meant to be that it could happen after a D.

There is still a part of me that would be willing to discuss the situation with her if she wanted to do so, to see if R was an option for both of us, and two of my friends have gently suggested that I could reach out to her to indicate that I would still be open to talk to her if she wanted.

However in my mind this does not feel appropriate, and any initial approach needs to come from her. She has made the decision to leave to pursue her happiness and if she now feels that her views have changed she needs to be approaching me, I do not feel that I should be ‘chasing after her anymore’ which is how it would feel in my mind. She knows where I am and how to contact me and I have never refused to speak to her. OR am I just being pig-headed and childish here. I would welcome the thoughts of others.

With regard to R after D, at this moment that does not feel something I would consider. To me once the D is finalised I will have crossed a line mentally and cannot see any circumstances that would change that, she will have had many months to reach out to me if that is not what she wanted. Having said that I do understand that this is a process and that my views have changed over the months as I deal with the reality and the emotions, so perhaps after D I would think/feel differently, only time would tell.

In my view you’re not being pig-headed or childish. She needs to come to you. I think you’re doing the right thing proceeding with the divorce and settlement. Like you said she knows where you are.

I made the big mistake of letting my WW back to easy. When we were in false R it was me doing all the leg work trying to fix things. Believe me, you don’t want to do what I did.

There are several very well known celebrities who left spouses to be together. Every time one of these couples get on the news it shows them figuratively running flat out because if they stop they will look at what they have, and don’t have. Your stbx has stopped running. She will probably stay with the AP but I would be willing to bet it is not the romance of the century she thought it was. Life is not euphoria. It is laundry and the flu and bad breath and just stuff. The stuff in his closet probably looks a lot like yours.

You are smart to move on. Holding on to hope is not good for you. It keeps you tensed up which is a sign of stress. Stress can wreck your health. Just keep going.

I do not feel that I should be ‘chasing after her anymore’ which is how it would feel in my mind. She knows where I am and how to contact me and I have never refused to speak to her. OR am I just being pig-headed and childish here.

No, you’re being realistic and keeping yourself safe. Even if she expressed a change of heart words without deeds are meaningless.

Now if she:

1 moved out of OM’s home and cut contact with him.

2 got into therapy with someone who holds her accountable and worked to become a safe partner.

3 became transparent in all aspects of her life.

All with no guarantees that it would be enough for you to reconsider then she would at least demonstrate that she has some capacity for R. And you would still be justified if your reaction was "meh, no thanks."

It's a continuum of choices you have. Because you could potentially be open to R, the D no matter what part of the continuum is currently out of bounds. The rest of the continuum roughly goes from:
1) Where you are now, pursuing D but willing to talk to her if she initiates
2) Letting a hint fly to a mutual friend that you are wondering why she is reticent about the D
3) Telling a mutual friend you would be potentially open to R if the stars fully aligned
4) asking her directly about why she is reticent about the D
5) Telling her directly that R is still on the table if she was to fully commit to it
6) Chasing after her, essentially doing the pick me dance

I feel good about #1. I also feel good about #0, the D no matter what choice. I think #2 might be an option where you could preserve your dignity and ego and potentially learn something helpful. The further down the continuum you go, the more likely you are in for additional pain and damage to your sense of self.

But what I think doesn't really matter. It's your choice and you have to feel good about it.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I don’t see you as being stubborn, you’re being very practical and sensible and simply working with what you’ve got.

, it seems that she is still not happy with the pace that I am progressing and she wants me to slow down. It is not clear why though, unless she is still unsure whether she wants a D, or is still trying to keep me as backup.

I’m left with the impression she is simply a lazy person, I don’t think it’s about stalling, I just don’t think she wants to put any effort or thought or time into it. Based on the provided information so far, it leaves the impression your soon-to-be ex exhibits a lack of motivation and willingness to address her issues and unhappiness in a constructive manner because that requires work, it requires effort, so much easier to pack a bag and walk away from effort. It appears she isn’t inclined to invest the necessary effort or time into resolving what she thought was wrong in the relationship, following the AP is easier in her mind because she can just follow his lead, she had to put effort in with you, with him she doesn’t have to do anything on her own, that’s what it’s reading like anyway. Cooperating in tasks such as the sale of the house is too much for her to think about because it’s so much work on her part because she has to do things on her own with that, sign things, talk to people, make appointments with her legal group etc etc so she asks you to wait because that’s easier for her, less effort needed, it’s very selfish but also very lazy. I could be wrong but after reading through it all I’m just sitting here thinking ‘well, that’s so lazy, OP is doing all the leg work even though it was her that left’, you’ve been a gentleman so far but moving forward I do think you need to utilise "no" more often as well as stop doing her lions share with the non important stuff.

Keep marching to your own beat, don’t allow her laziness to stall you in anything anymore. You’re really doing so well, albeit a little harsh on yourself from time to time.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 9:45 PM, Tuesday, December 12th]

Your are not being pig-headed or childish. You are being quite sensible. From all that you have shared it does not appear her new world is Camelot after all. She is dragging her feet on the D because getting a D would (in her mind) close one avenue out of her latest relationship and leave her only with the unknown, should she leave her AP. Cheating is almost always about the cheater. Your WW expects others to make her happy, when happiness arises from within. So she jumps from relationship to relationship but never happy for long. You have described her as wanting her way and demanding.

Keep moving promptly forward toward D. If she wants to stop that D process she needs to take action to confront her brokenness and work on herself. For you:"Action this day!" Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:46 AM, Wednesday, December 13th]

Everything you are doing is normal IMO.
She began this she wanted to be with the OM and moved out. Instead of crying in your beer and begging her you stepped up and took charge of you life and changed the entire house to be "you" and not "her and you".
Right now she may be having buyer's remorse and saying "no need to hurry the D..." is very telling.

Be aware that just like your friend is telling you about what your STBXWW is up to and her moods, she is telling your STBXWW how you are handling things.
I bet she is surprised that you did not crumble and are dealing with this from a position of strength and taking charge of the process.

IMO if you open the door to R then she will be vindicated that her burning up the marriage was nor so bad and forgivable. It is fine to discuss it at some point but ONLY if she brings it up.

Maybe divorce is the best thing to do then try again if you both feel it is worth another try and of course if her BF is out of the picture 100%

Good luck!

Your wife has a shockingly callous attitude about breaking up her marriage and also the AP’s marriage. She has not learnt her lessons. She may want R but make no mistake that it is because she sees the value in her marriage and you, she’s only doing it because it’s convenient. Life with AP isn’t convenient right now. By offering her R , you will be back to square one. After all that progress, it would be sad if you are set back.

LostInHisFog – I think there is truth in your comments about her lack of effort, it is quite clear that unless I do everything to progress the D, nothing will happen as she will do nothing. It does seem unfair that I am having to do everything but if I don’t then no progress will be made and our M will just drag on.

So I am doing what I need to do to get to where I want to be, namely being free of infidelity, and to stop being in an M with someone who has chosen to live with someone else. Frankly from this point forward all I need her to do is sign the relevant documents that I put under her nose and I will take care of the rest.

Perhaps I am being super-cynical, but it seems to me that being with her AP but still married to you is an almost ideal situation for your WW (or soon to be ex-WW). She can play you and her AP off each other, for her benefit.

For example, she can try to exert influence over her AP by suggesting you would welcome her back if she left him, so he better not give her a reason. And she cannot get involved in any financial commitments with him because she won't know exactly where she stands money-wise until the divorce happens (and she specifically tried to delay getting both finances and the divorce finalized, didn't she?) And if the wings fall off her unicorn, she can show up and claim she realized it was all a horrible mistake, and she never stopped loving you.

However, once the divorce is done, and the money is split, she has no escape route, nothing to threaten her AP with, and he may start wanting her to use her money to fund his dreams. She doesn't want that; she wants to have as many options open to her for as long as possible. I guess it's a form of cake-eating, in which she can try to keep you and her AP disempowered by stringing you both along. Divorce knocks her off that throne, and puts her into a make or break situation with just her AP.

Does she seriously want to come back, or just hang onto the option of coming back for as long as she possibly can? It's not fair to you, but from what you have written, she focuses on delaying the divorce rather than suggesting she is considering coming back. To me, that is very telling. I'm sorry to be so gloomy about it, but I think you should keep pushing for the divorce as soon as possible, to free yourself from being stuck in limbo.

I think M1965 may well be right….

I was again met with a barrage of ‘there is no rush to sort out the financial details, or progress with the D’, it seems that she is still not happy with the pace that I am progressing and she wants me to slow down. It is not clear why though, unless she is still unsure whether she wants a D, or is still trying to keep me as backup.

My reading of this is that it is her feeling that she is losing control over the situation.

As with most waywards, apart from lying, their next most common trait is to 'need' to feel in control. In your case, you have wrested control away from your WW, and taken it back (good for you!). Your WW now possibly feels panicky, as she no longer has control over what you do.

Happy Christmas to everyone on here, and thank you very much for your advice and support this year. It would have been a much harder journey without you.

No recent contact from STBXWW (and hopefully none over the festive period). I was talking to a friend the other day and as you suspected when she invited herself round for a coffee recently, and was quite abrasive, it turns out that she thought I was in a relationship because she had noticed a car on the drive regularly, but not all the time so she knew it was not mine, and for some reason she was upset by this.

Oh the Irony.

However thinking about it afterwards I realised that this is just part of the narrative, she does not want me, but does not want someone else to either, and also if I am in a new relationship there is even less chance of me being her backup option.

Any way not my problem, I have a quiet xmas planned, just myself and the cats but am making it a traditional xmas. So I am cooking a full xmas dinner, I have setup a table with treats and drinks and enjoying the peace of knowing that there will be no dramas, no arguments, no cold shoulders, no snippy comments. I am looking forward to this xmas more than I have for many years.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you also.

Here is hoping that this coming year you grow stronger each day as you leave this awful mess called infidelity.

Merry Christmas, iamenough. May 2024 be a year of peace and happiness.