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I haven't been around as much for a while, because FWH and I have been getting our house ready to sell. Note, I say our house, not our home. It hasn't been our home for almost four years now, since DDay. Actually for far longer than that.

What's better, is that we are working TOGETHER, to get the house fixed up for sale. And FWH, while admitting that he isn't looking forward to the actual process of selling this one, buying a new one (downsizing majorly), and making the move, has told me on more than one occasion that he's looking forward to getting me into a house without all of the bad associations, where there are no areas that I look at, and feel a twinge. This is major, because I never thought that he would agree to sell and move.

Even more important, this move means having to go through all of our "stuff," and making some hard decisions about keep, re-home, or discard. About a week ago, I noticed that FWH was getting really agitated and starting to withdraw by hiding in his computer game and reading a lot. Normally, this is the cue for both of us to withdraw until someone explodes, and then try to work through it. This time, though, when I mentioned that I felt like he was far, far away, he admitted it, and said that he wanted to journal a bit, and then talk. So we set up a time about a week from that point. He started to journal, told me that while what he was writing wasn't private and that I could ultimately read it, would I please give him a few days with it to revisit and think. Which I did.

After a listing of the top 5 things bugging him, some of which he realized wasn't truly important, a deep-seated anxiety of his, losing his "stuff," and being asked to discard things that he wasn't sure he wanted to, popped up. This is an ongoing thing with him, as if you read my profile you'll see. Him hoarding his "stuff," even when (porn) it meant that he was running the risk of me walking out permanently. This is another trigger point for both of us because frankly, I don't understand it. Navy brat, constantly leaving stuff behind, not all that attached to anything because, well, why bother? But we sat down and I really listened to him, vice immediately thinking that this "stuff" was far more important to him than me. And what I heard was that, a goodly part of his anxiety was not knowing the size of the place that we were going to move to, and being afraid of discarding something he really wanted to keep because of perceived lack of room, and then finding out that we did indeed have enough room for the item(s). Which made sense to me.

So, I went and rented a storage unit and gave him the key. Told him that anything that he had any hesitation about, we would store for up to a year, and at the end of the year, if we hadn't found a place for it in our new home, then we would re-home it. But meanwhile, we'd keep it until an informed decision could be made. Problem solved.

Point being, he bent and let me in to his FOO issues. I got past my FOO issues and listened to what he felt and why he felt it. And we were able to find a solution that gave both of us what we needed. Him, the luxury of time to re-visit his decisions without regret, and me, a timeframe for the decisions to be made. A perfect, for us, compromise.

We are getting better at listening to each other AND at checking in if one of us feels that the other one is withdrawing. Our focus is staying on each other, vice being self-centered. And on doing that, which we both need, to keep on healing. Some days are a struggle still, but the majority of days are not, and we have a whole lot of days that are pure joy. Together.

Something happened this weekend that seems to have helped me turn a corner! The back story is that during his A my FWH bought his AP a very pretty, heart shaped necklace - oh, about $200.00 - that I found out about when I asked him in December if he'd ever bought her a gift for Christmas in 2014. She had returned it to him (via a mutual acquaintance) when he blocked her from everything in October. I asked him to please get rid of it and he said he'd pawn it, get what he could for it and we'd go out to dinner or something. Then he didn't do it. And didn't do it. "no time", doncha know? I had a bad dream about it Saturday night and was telling him about it and pointed out that "no time" is a bullshit excuse. When I got home from church yesterday he asked if I still planned to do a fundraising walk that afternoon and if so, would it take me over a local river? Yes and probably......he handed the necklace to me and said take it. Throw it away. It means nothing to me and I don't want you thinking it does. And, I know it seems small, but him being willing to let me do that (and I did!) and getting how that symbol of what he felt for her then was holding us back just makes me feel like we're moving forward again!

My birthday was yesterday . . . time to change my age in my signature

My husband planned out the evening -- contacted our daughters and worked it out that they would each come home yesterday (a Tuesday and both are college students). He picked up menus from a sushi place we've been to and liked, and contacted my parents, inviting them to join us for dinner (and giving my parents a menu so they could choose from the non-sushi items since they are more "traditional" in their food preferences ) He picked up the food and our youngest on his way home from work. I arrived home earlier and helped my older daughter make a flourless chocolate cake. The evening was absolutely perfect! My daughters home and spending the night, my parents with us to celebrate and enjoy their grandchildren for the evening, no tension between fWH and I. Just as good and "normal" of a night as one could hope for, particularly after all this family has been through.

I decided to not drink for the month of February, due to my recognition of how I use alcohol to numb my pain, avoid issues that need to be addressed. So that was also noticeable -- no alcohol to cloud my judgment, to in any way take me away from being fully present with my family and parents.

When I came to bed there was an envelope on my pillow. Here are the words he wrote to me:

Psychmom,

I am so happy to be here with you for our 26th time celebrating your birthday. I live with knowledge of the past, but the hope for the future is very strong, and I think we will celebrate your birthday 26 years from now, children and grandchildren present. I love you. I love us. I love this family. You make this all possible. I also feel that I have the best of you that you have ever been, now and right here. The years have made you wise and strong, and I am so lucky to be close to you like I have never been close to any other person my whole life.

Love, and only yours,

Mr Psych

There is much to be hopeful for, much to be thankful for. Out of the darkest of days and nights has come a glimmer of a new dawn for our marriage, and most importantly, for each of us as human beings. We are working to be better. Better together, but also better on our own. I think this is the only way to do this--and that is something I learned here on SI: Fix yourself first, then the other stuff will fall into line.

[This message edited by psychmom at 4:09 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

My D-Day was April 28th, 2015. Her affair had actually ended a year prior to me finding out.

Jump ahead a month or two. We were out somewhere. On the way home she asked if she could go for a motorcycle ride when we got home. This shocked me, as working on and riding motorcycles is a big hobby of mine, but she'd always shown disinterest in anything to do with it. We took a short ride, her first time on a bike! She was nervous, but she enjoyed it. Through the summer we started taking longer rides. But none of my motorcycles were built to carry two people in comfort.

So another shock when she suggested that we buy a larger bike made for two people. This was going to be a large monetary purchase for something she previously disliked me spending money on. In late August we bought the bike that we now call "our" bike. Over the next 2.5 months before the riding season here ended, we put almost 3000 miles on it, strictly during our Saturday recreational rides.

As surprising as it is, the hobby I love, and the hobby she previously didn't care about, brought us very tightly together. We have created more memories, and took more couples photos during the last year than we had in the previous 18 years of marriage. She's jumped in with both feet, buying her own helmet, jacket, etc. She's always talking about our rides with her friends, sharing photos on FB. As a motorcyclist, she has kind of become my dream girl. The weather is starting to warm up here, and she's started talking about biking again. I can't wait.

My first d-day just passed. Wasn't at all what I expected. We decided to take that weekend back and go to Vegas. I never knew it could be such a healing place. This was the first time to go to Vegas toghether since we got married there almost 8 years ago. We Spent the first day there like we were newlyweds, went to see a show, nice dinner and dancing. What a great weekend spent in Love and gratitude. We have always felt a great love for one another and it's returning again. One week later I'm still basking in the this place of peace. As you all very well know it is hard to find peace and Love in the first year for either yourself or the WS, but I'm so very grateful that we are in that space now. I pray it lasts!

We keep moving forward. And that's what it is all about!

I call this "positive" today!

Psychmom -- I love that story. Thank you so much for your inspiration and sharing.

Good things are happening for me and my husband right now. I don't want to post too soon because I want my story to be truly inspirational for anyone having to deal with this crap, but I believe I will be back to share one day. :)

It was a rough road with lots of peaks and valleys. We've gone to and "graduated" from couples counseling. She has been wonderful, when I become anxious she's always there to tell me I have nothing to worry about and to listen when I just need to talk. A couple of weeks ago, I was teaching our 4y/o how to use binoculars. I look over to see my wife looking at me with a very pleasant look in her eyes and a big smile. It was how she used to look at me, made me smile. I asked, "whacha smiling about?" She smiled even bigger and said, "oh just noticing how handsome you are." Made my year!

We are doing great and we are continuously working on our relationship.

Hello! (and congrats Hidden Path!)

I really do believe that Mr Psych and I will make it through this, a bit battle tested and weary after all we've been through the past 20 months, but I think we have what we need to go the distance. And I just want to offer hope to others seeking it that it IS possible. But it has not been the smooth journey I believed it would be when we started out. What on earth was I thinking?

But here's where we are today. In December Mr Psych built 4 raised beds in our back yard so we could grow vegetables together this year. I've always been the lone gardener in our family, but he really wants to be a part of this now, work as a team on it. He's brought home loads of dirt, I bought some plants and have started seedlings. We've been outside each night for the past 2 weeks covering our cold weather crops like worried parents One of my triggers was working outdoors in my gardens and on landscape projects because I was doing that work alone the summer of his affairs, so him being with me, wanting to help me and knowing the memories I have of that time is something I see as a huge positive.

And we are also planning to do a major kitchen re-do in July, most of the work being done by Mr Psych and I. One of the first major meltdowns he had shortly after DDay was the night he found me in our house, grabbed me sobbing, saying how much he'd neglected the house over the years, and how that neglect was a reflection of his neglect of our marriage and of me. He GOT it, but it took another 6 months or so for it to really sink in how far away his mind had gotten from his home, his family, his decency.

And we've got 2 vacations planned for the coming year. One with our daughters and another just for he and I. As he put it, we have so much potential! And now the opportunity to do all of the things our early days of marriage promised. We CAN be that couple growing old together, teasing one another, holding hands while walking the dog down the street. We've found our connection again. But with all of the vulnerability and brutal honesty we've uncovered within ourselves and well as with our marriage, we're able to make changes that we hope will move us in a very successful direction.

No delusions that it will be smooth sailing all of the way. But what is different is that I understand him better than I ever have. And he understands himself. And he's beginning to understand me as I learn to open up and trust him again, share my fears as well as my pleasures with him. We have this "funny" relationship story that I doubt many outside of the infidelity world would understand, but we don't care. This is about us, about our family, about the love we still have for one another, although we both felt it had been lost not too long ago. All it needed was a bit of a spark of recognition to reignite.

For us, it's working. He recently told me he knows I have a few more trips down the rabbit hole likely in me, but he's okay with that. He's ready to help pull me back up when I stumble, try to shift the burden off of my shoulders onto his when I feel too weak to continue.

I may be a fool to believe this is real. But I do. It's messy at times, hard as hell at others. But also more loving and honest than it's ever been between us. That is what our DDays have done for us -- caused us to look deep within ourselves, decide what we really want, what really matters, and as fearlessly as possible work toward creating a marriage that helps each of us become the individuals and the couple that we desire to be. There IS hope

[This message edited by psychmom at 12:17 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday)]

Happy for u psychmom.

[This message edited by Carealot at 1:56 AM, May 28th (Saturday)]

It has been almost four months since I posted on this thread and 20 months since dday, and while life has gotten hectic and stressful, BF13 and I are doing really well.

We have been doing MC for months now with a therapist that uses EFT (Emotionally-Focused Therapy) for couples. We have had 9 sessions out of the 12 we are allowed, and after the third session we decided to order the workbook our therapist was using for our assignments, and began working on the exercises on our own between sessions. I can't even begin to describe how much better we communicate now and how much stronger our bond is.

The draw to EFT for us is that it based in attachment theory and addresses the fears of abandonment we have both had throughout our relationship. We have learned to better understand our own, as well as each other's, emotional responses and where they have come from, which has allowed us to have compassion for one another and to strengthen our bond with one another.

I am still trying to recover from the trauma that BF13's A caused. I was diagnosed with complex-PTSD back in February, as well as Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been taking mood stabilizers and antidepressants regularly since and am in biweekly IC with a therapist who has been helping me to rebuild my strength and discover my self-worth. I am hoping to get in to see a CPT therapist in the next little while to process my traumas and am working on learning to regulate my emotions with a DBT workbook while I wait to get into DBT classes.

BF13 is still in IC and has been sober for 16 months now. He began a new job about 3 months ago and he calls me on his lunch every day and we spend almost the whole half hour talking. He checks in with me at least a few times a day by text as well to see how I am doing.

He is nowhere even close to the man he was before. He faces life head-on now instead of running away. He doesn't get stressed out or angry when things don't go right (which was his pattern). He talks about his feelings and listens to me when I share mine. He continues to be empathetic and to validate my feelings and worries.

He still talks about the A with me anytime I bring it up and is always open and honest with his responses. He never tells me I should be over it and has never asked for forgiveness. He still holds me and comforts me when I get triggered.

His consistency with all of these things, as well as his genuine remorse, have allowed me to begin feeling safe and to begin trusting him again.

Our nest is no longer empty - our youngest DD is back at home and is due to have a baby in October (right around the 2nd antiversary of dday), so she is on an emotional roller-coaster. Our dream home is falling apart and we are not sure how we are going to get it fixed. Our youngest GS has been having multiple health issues, as have I. And, we just quit smoking three weeks ago. All things that we wouldn't have coped well with before, but we are getting through all of it - as a team.

We are growing so much, both individually and as a couple.

I am really glad I made the choice to R.

Hello everyone. I have been reading and posting a little bit. First I want to say that I live in Latinamerica and that I speak Spanish. So forgive my bad Englsih. The letters you use (BS, MC etc) are confusing to me - I can guess what they mean - so I won't use them if you don't mind.

My story is a bit different that many others here, but I post it anyway. Maybe it will help.

The events happened about 10 years ago. I wish I would have had a forum like this when it happened it would had helped me a lot.

When my second son was born (we have two boys), my wife was a real emotional mess. At first I thought that she was suffering of post birth depression (I am a psychologist), but then I realized that it was something worst. She was just crying all day. Staying in bed. Not wanting to breast feed the baby and she started to have suicidal thoughts.

It took me a while to realize that my wife was suffering from depression. In my defense I must say that I had to take care of my two kids, my house, my job and her. And even when I got a lot of help from my mother I was clearly overloaded.

I took her to a pyschiatrist how diagnosed her with depression and medicated her. Medication helped for a bit. At least she got out of bed and started to take care of the baby. But she was clearly not well.

Since she is a fervent catholic she decided to talk with a priest in our local parrish where she attended mass.

At first it seemed to help her. But I started to notice a lot of strange behaviours. She was calling him a lot of times a day and she was talking with him on the phone in our bedroom with the door closed. The priest name started to be dropped a lot of times in her conversations and she was going a lot of times going to see him at the parrish. It was obvious to me that something really wrong was going on. One day when I returned from work I even found the priest in my home.

But my wife was far from being good. As a matter of fact she getting worst.

One day after meeting with him she came home crying and lay on bed.

I pressed her to tell me what had happened and at first she refused. But I keep pushing and she finally told me everything.

She have had an emotional affair with the priest.

She felt that he cared about her, that he really listened her and understand what she was going on.

it is not clear to me to this day if she felt that she feel for him, but there was obviously a strong emotional connection and need to be with him.

The priest took advantage of her, while hugging he felt her up and they kissed in the lips a couple of times (the last two acording to her). She swears to this day that they never had sex and I believe her.

She told me everything I asked her and begged me not to dump her. It was obvious to me that she was not thinking clearly because of her condition and that the priest had abused of her precarious state of mind.

I told her that she had to go no contact with him and she agreed. She had decided so by herself the last time. I went to the parrish to talk to the priest and told him I knew everything. That he must no talk to her any more or I would shout in the middle of the sunday mass what he had done.

You must understand that in my country catholic church is a very powerful institution and I couldn't report him specially without any proof. I also went to talk with the bishop who heard my story and told me he would take care about it. "Take care" was simply to transfer the priest to another church.

I took my wife to another pyschiatrist and made a lot of new studies and we found out that she was bipolar. They changed medication and she started therapy to work on her personal issues. Since then she got better and better though from time to time she relapses in her depressión and we need to adjust her medication.

The day we got married I promised that I will take of her for better or worst and that's what I am doing. It is hard because medication has a lot of side effects but, ten years after, she is almost the girl I knew and feel in love with.

She never ever did anything like this after that.

In fact, when she recovered with the new meds, she told me that part of her knew that what the priest was doing was wrong but that she didn't had the emotional strenght to fight it.

We are still martried ready to celebrate 20 years of marriage.

I hope this is not too long.

[This message edited by Esteban at 7:24 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)]

Just checking in with my story so far. I'm a MH and hope no one has any problem with me posting here. I was having emotional affairs with 2 men at different times over text. Nothing physical happened. It transpired WH was having a physical affair with family friend and was planning to leave me for her. Karma in action eh? So, when the shit hit the fan, I confessed what I had done and we decided to try to R. It has been the toughest 21 months of our lives but also the most wonderful 21 months if that makes sense! We are like different people. We put each other 1st ALWAYS. I am now top priority and vice versa. Prior d day I would have been last in the pecking order. I now have the husband I always wanted and I hope I am the wife he has always wanted. Both of us gave up our careers and started a new business together and we haven't been apart since d day. We are like best friends again that have a very good sex life. It's so sad that our marriage was neglected so badly and that we were weak and so self absorbed that we were flattered by the opposite sex and did what we did. It is something we will regret for the rest of our lives but if we can learn from it, move on and build a better relationship and future together, then everything that happened will not be in vain. Hold on if you can, and if the WS is doing all they can to help you heal, you will see the light peaking through at the end of the tunnel. I'm not there yet but I am just starting to feel that one day I might be. And that gives me hope. Take care everyone

Two years ago today was the day the world as I knew it ended. MY DDay...July 19, 2014...the day I was put into this infidelity HELL through no CHOICE of my own .

My FWH started off his confession with..."I love you like I've never loved anyone else...but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." He had been back home two days. He was working overseas for 4 1/2 months...the last 2 1/2 of those months were without me because I had to come back to the United States for a family emergency and ended up having to stay. My immediate perspective on what he said was that we were apart and had grown detached. So I hugged him and told him it was alright...we could work things out. He didn't hug me back. In fact...he had barely hugged me at all in the last 2 days.

Instead...he went on to tell me that he had met someone...and he told me her name. I went numb. I asked what they had done...thinking he had met her online...or maybe at a bar and had drinks. He replied..."everything". My mind started reeling..."You mean you had sex?". He couldn't even answer...all he could do was nod. I pushed myself away from him...and very calmly and matter-of-factly said..."the marriage is over.". My perspective changed in that instant from working on our marriage...to there not being a marriage anymore.

I asked him what he was going to do...and he could barely eke out "I don't know.". "I will leave you alone then to contact her...and y'all can start making plans for the future." I then got up and walked out of the living room...and into the bedroom. He was now a free man...and I was a free woman.

Surprisingly...my FWH followed me into the bedroom and asked to lay down with me. I agreed...and for the first time since he had been home from overseas...my FWH snuggled up to me in bed. We talked a little while...mostly about our future without each other...then I told him he needed to go and contact the OW. The time difference between her country and ours made it to where she would be sleeping if he didn't go and contact her soon. I didn't want to have this drag on further. My FWH reluctantly got up and left.

While I was laying in the bed...I began to wonder...WHY did my FWH follow me into the bedroom...instead of contacting the OW and starting their new life together? My FWH was telling me...by fucking another woman...that he did not want to be married to me. At least that was what my perspective had always been about infidelity. So WHY did he not call her immediately?

I then started thinking about our children...they would be devastated. But they were all grown and had lives of their own...and I knew they would be alright. Then I started thinking about the plans we had made for our future...plans of travel...vacations...and renovating the house...these would all be THEIR plans now. OH HELL NO!!! This southern woman then got MAD at the thought of another woman stepping in and taking over where I was leaving off. Ever see a southern woman get MAD??? It's NOT pretty !!!

Suddenly my perspective changed from leaving the marriage...to not letting another woman have what WE worked hard to attain. I then asked myself the hardest question ever...could I stay married to a cheater??? Surprisingly my answer was YES. I had already lost the marriage I had...and the love of my life...but maybe we could salvage something good out of this crap. There were a few conditions that my FWH would have to meet first though...and I came up with a list of ultimatums in my head. If he didn't agree to EVERY ONE...I would leave...and make sure the OW didn't get a penny of what was MINE. They could share HIS half...but not MINE.

I went back in the living room...and he had already finished messaging with the OW. I told him that the marriage might not have to be over...and told him how I didn't love him like I did before...but that I didn't want the OW to get what we had worked for. I then told him my ultimatums...and said these were non-negotiable. I told him I wanted the first one to be done immediately...he HAD to write to the OW and tell her he was NEVER having contact with her again. If he did contact her for any reason...the marriage would definitely be OVER. My FWH agreed to ALL of the ultimatums and started writing the NC message. Within an hour my perspective had changed from being a single woman...to being a married woman again!! Needless to say...the OW's perspective changed too...and she was NOT happy about it...but that is a whole OTHER story !!!

Throughout these last two years...our perspective has changed many times. There have been times when I thought the only way to ease this pain was to end my life...thankfully that perspective has been gone for a while . Even my perspective about being happy again...like my username states...has changed. I have been happy many times since DDay...but I have been extremely sad also. What I find most satisfying is having PEACE again . I have truly found serenity in accepting that my husband fucked another woman...told another woman he loved her...and told me he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. These...things...happened. But they are NOT what is happening NOW .

Today...when I woke up and remembered the date...I got a little sad . My FWH...who has become quite attuned to my emotions...asked me if I was alright. I told him I would be...it was just that today was the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life and I was feeling sad. He then smiled and told me this was one of the BEST days of his . I looked at him with a really puzzled look on my face . He sweetly reminded me that TODAY...two years ago...when I uttered those words..."the marriage is over"...his heart SANK. It was in that moment that HIS perspective changed. He knew as soon as I walked out of the living room that he was losing the LOVE of HIS life...and right then and there he had no doubt that he WAS in fact IN LOVE with me. He told me that for the first time in years...he saw ME...and he didn't know what to do next...but all he wanted to do was be NEAR ME. When I later told him that maybe we could stay married...he thought to himself that whatever he needed to do...he WOULD do...because he knew he couldn't lose me...I was his life.

I smiled...because he has told me how this day affected him so deeply . My FWH has totally turned himself around from being that selfish person who only thought about himself...to being a man I am very PROUD to call my HUSBAND...no "F" or "W" in front of it .

Then he went on to tell me to be dressed up when he comes home from work...because he has made PLANS...for US...tonight...to CELEBRATE the day our NEW marriage began !!

I COULD still be sad...because this IS the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. But I CHOOSE to be HAPPY...because it is also the day that the marriage I have always dreamed of came to be . It's ALL about perspective!!!

This is for Want2BeHappyAgain...

H ended trickle truth and I have been able to verify some of it. Some trust in him is being restored. He took it upon himself to seek therapy/management for what is looking like high functioning autism (formal diagnosis next week). He is minimizing less and when he does, I can call him out on it and he reevaluates. He has been apologizing more. One year out and I am coming around to wanting to forgive. Not there yet, but I feel something is different inside me.

I think he finally forgave me for my own egregious transgressions years ago. I will never stop working to be a better person.

Healing for both of us. Perhaps this is what happens when there is remorse on both sides in a mad hatter equation.

It has been 11 years!! And my h just called from work to tell me he is working late.

Might not sound like much. But when I realize 11 years later he still does this so I can trust and verify where he is when he is late. That is kind of a big deal.

(His affair was with a coworker and he used to call from his cell and lie about where he was.)

So it's not perfect, nothing ever is. But it's pretty nice to know that this many years out, he doesn't take my trust for granted.

Even though we have a long way to go and even though I am not in a good place lately and even though my Wh not only didn't take the garbage out when asked but just plain doesn't take out the garbage, I believe we are going to make it. If can just get rid of the mind movies and wilting anger that I suppress

Wh asked me to marry him again. Said he wanted to show me

that he can do it right. He listened to a minister at a wedding talk about what a m should be and said he didn't do so much of what he should have and he wants to show me he can do it right. He is trying. He is really trying to be a better person and h.

Here you go Want2BHappyAgain:

I'm 7 years post D-day/final TT.

"You are what you were when you were value programmed, and you are value programmed at an early age, likely between the ages of 7 and 17. The only exception to this is if you subsequently undergo a major life tragedy, for example a bad divorce, a near death experience, rape, a death of a very close loved one, etc." My foreign history college professor lectured this statement over and over to drive home a point, countries will not change overnight when you give them democracy, especially if the country is not experiencing wide spread tragedy and fighting for it too. The ingrained value programming of it's people must change. Little could I predict how profound this statement would be about my life.

My wife and I grew up in completely different moral environments. This caused our world views to be completely different. I suppose our differences are what attracted us to each other. I was her rock. She was my flower. Love is seeing yourself through another. Little did I understand she was growing from pot was filled with family of origin sh_t, and I was an emotionless dense mass.

Infidelity was my life tragedy that changed me. The question was, what path do I follow. Many of you probably heard the Bercht book title. I didn't like it either. But 3 years later I got it. If you and your spouse do the hard work, i.e., face the pain and learn from it, reflect, learn why, don't rug sweep, you will earn great wisdom and forever change your lives positively. You will become liberated. At the same time, it takes both of you. It is very important you cause/make/allow your reconciliation to be a tragedy for your wayward spouse. Force them to reflect. Don't nice them back. Your wayward spouse needs to feel the pain and invest. They must fight for your marriage as much as you. Don't enable your wayward spouse. Be firm with your boundaries. Be willing to stand on your own two feet. Be willing to loose your marriage in order to save it.

[This message edited by still-living at 12:11 AM, July 21st (Thursday)]

Something came up tonight that I wanted to share here. It's been a stormy day. Literally. Flash flood warnings and heavy winds. Mr Psych is in commercial property management and all 3 of his affairs were work-related. Lunch time trysts, after work quickies, on-call visits after hours.

So tonight he gets a call as we're preparing for bed. He tells me he needs to drive to another city where he works, the city of his affairs. This is the first on-call call since DDAY. I am just a tad nervous, but don't show it since I'm sitting with our daughter at the time. And I trust him. I don't believe there is anything at all for me to worry about. But the small trigger is pulled anyway, a small reminder of the past. He tells me he'll call soon as he's heading out the door.

Within 30 mins he calls to give me a briefing. We talk for a few minutes and he needs to get to work. Says he'll call soon. And he does. This time he says he's so sorry. Sorry that I likely am thinking about what he used to do at these times. I tell him yes, it is on my mind. And I thank him for once again apologizing for his affairs. He'd just as soon not bring it up anymore since to him "its dead", but he knows I still need to bring it up, so he's willing to go there with me.

He'll be calling again soon. This is where we are today. This is how far we've come. And it feels good.

ETA: Yep. He called again on his drive home. It helps me to know he is willing to be vulnerable and acknowledge his affairs in this way. We are still working on re-creating this marriage and haven't gotten it all figured out yet. But we're both willing to continue working on it, which at this point feels like R is in full swing.

[This message edited by psychmom at 10:59 AM, July 22nd (Friday)]

I got this text from WH yesterday:

I can't tell you this enough. Tell me what's going on in your head, no mater what you think it might sound like. I understand why you're there, I've gotten way beyond being defensive. I know how much I've hurt you.

This is light years from where we were a year ago at this time.