SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are human. These feelings are normal.

You have been able to move forward to a certain point.

You have the time now that you are single, to start more personal development.

Occupational wise, what can you do to further enhance your knowledge base, your skills, your career development.

Hit the gym.

What have you always wanted to do, but have never had the time to do it.

Maybe start doing things on your bucket list.

Use this time now while you have it.

I guess, since I've been away for a bit and I know you fine folks are here to listen and to help, I will start trying to post more regularly as this Forum has been very cathartic for me as a way to vent and "journal" my feelings a bit. I really appreciate the input, advice, and encouragement I have received here and am grateful for more.

I have found myself, recently, being unable to focus my mind on any sort of "visual medium". For some fucking reason, I cannot watch anything on TV. I can't pay attention to movies or new television series; I can barely focus my mind on reading a book in front of me; I can't play video games for more than 5-10 minutes at a time. I get so easily distracted these days.

Now, any content I consume is "audio"-based. When I take my dog on a walk (and we go on TONS of walks!) I always have music in, or a podcast, or, more often as of late, a cool audiobook. If I am physically doing something to keep my hands/body occupied, I can enjoy some content.

But it also sucks. I'd love to watch the new Dune movie! Hell, I'd love to read Dune! I would love to play a new video game that's being hyped up. But I just cannot seem to focus my mind and attention on any of it...I tried to watch Dune the other night and got 30 minutes into it before realizing that 95 minutes had actually passed because I had to keep pausing, rewinding it, and re-watching certain scenes over and over again because I hadn't paid attention.

My hypothesis? Now that I have moved into my own place, settled into my new job, have officially adopted my new dog...things in my life are "calming down" after the roller-coaster of a year I experienced. And for the first time in literally MONTHS, both my mind and body are catching up and are like, "yo, what the HELL is going on?"

...

I feel like I have a lot of work to do. Mentally, emotionally, physically, logically.

I feel like a failure so much of the time. I don't even know what to do now. I go to therapy weekly, I journal almost daily, I eat healthy, I exercise every single day (hitting the gym to lift weights, and going on runs with my dog, and cool hikes on the weekends).

And yet, I still feel like a failure and like nothing is getting better. I can't seem to look at myself objectively and see, "Hey, you're actually doing incredible for what you have been through." I feel lonely, and I judge myself for feeling lonely. I crave physical connection; I miss having fun conversations with a partner; I miss receiving funny texts and inside jokes from a person I am interested in/dating. I miss planning trips and date nights or wine-and-movie nights in, cuddling with warm blankets. I am especially worried, going into the holiday season, how I am going to start feeling here in a week or two and throughout December...

Anyway. That is my rambling thoughts/public-forum-journal-entry for the day. Thanks for being here, for being willing to read my thoughts and my experiences and offer me support...it truly means a lot.

Inability to focus is a big thing following trauma (in your case betrayal trauma).

I know you are already working out, doing therapy, eating right. Mindful meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises can help. This can help process the feelings that tend to interrupt your focus.

I'm sure sleep is also not coming easy, which can also impact focus. Unisom helps a lot if you have trouble going to sleep and isn't technically habit forming like lots of other sleep aids (though you also shouldn't be taking it all the time because you might be masking other sleep issues).

You are doing a good job of things even if you still don't feel like it. It takes time to heal. Thanks for the update.

I get the physical "doing something" aspect of it. I found myself refinishing a table and my headboard and a couple of chairs. Not something I'd ever done before, but I did all of them by sanding, rather than chemical strippers, to have the occupation and staying busy. I also tried a fencing class, that I fared very poorly in, against 12 year olds, but it was fun for a few weeks anyway!

Since audio is sticking where not much else will, perhaps some of the books that get recommended around here often for self-help stuff, like The Body Keeps the Score, or Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Other genres, I recently caught up with the Sandman full-cast audio dramas and those were great!

But you'll get through - it's just that dreaded time, unfortunately.

I received some very valuable advice after my D … some may find it crude, but it’s spot on for a guy who needs a boost to his confidence and self esteem:

"The best way to get over somebody, is to get under someone else."

Have you considered having a'funeral' for your marriage. A time to let go.

Perhaps have a burn ceremony with anything that has her memories. Or a message that you burn.

Others have had a meaningful moment where they have gone to where they proposed, and thrown the wedding ring away there.

It gives some act of acknowledging the end.

You can adapt it however it suits.

It will come. Be patient and give yourself grace. I'm 3+ years S, and only now getting my balance back, albeit slowly. For much of the time I felt like a bingo ball bouncing around. Now I am mostly calm and starting to really enjoy my time with self, souchbso that I wonder if I can ever make room for another person on my life.

Healing takes time, and the biggest mistake other than trying R, was jumping into a relationship too fast. I think that has set me behind in my healing, as it wounded me, in some ways more than the end of my M.

You sound like you are doing everything right. You just need your healing to catch up with your efforts. One thing that helped me was to mentally graph my healing so I could realize that there was indeed a positive trajectory and I could be fairly certain that it would continue, as it has. You got this.

It's tangential at best, but you might want to try the Audiobook to DUNE before going into the movie cold. It's a dense narrative, with lots of tiny little bits that are important later.

Glad to hear you are transitioning, but I think your visual input aversion is puzzling. AFAIK, there really was nothing about your marriage that would have triggered that. You might want to see a therapist (if you aren't already) to see what they might suggest.

Perhaps have a burn ceremony with anything that has her memories.

I suggested him do something like this before he moved to his new city after they've shared their stuff.

Let me suggest something easy to do. Have you seen the movie 50/50? It might be good for you.

A good audio book that is aimed exactly where you are at is "Now What?" by DSO. Narrated by the author. It is for a guy in your shoes who just divorced a cheating wife and got hosed. I think you will find some help there. All the best.

Been thinking of you and your journey and hoping you're well (with pup).

Random question but do you game? Playing a game with set goals to complete can help fill in those nights when you're too awake to sleep but too exhausted to give anything mental energy. My therapist's receptionist of all people suggested this and it did help, he urged me to play a game called 'Diablo 3', not my cup of tea at all as it's highly violent with demonic horror themes, but I wanted to try anything simply because I was so sick and tired of myself and the situation I was forced into. Needless to say having goals in the game and basically killing everything left and right in a dramatical way was so satisfying, it was a time sink but it wasn't a consuming time sink, it was more a therapeutic purging of much needed negativity. I couldn't say if it was virtual goals to distract me or the outright violence but it gave me something to look forward to, something to muffle/forget the sad thoughts and it really did help me through that phase. Something to consider.

Making new playlists on my ipod helped, I know most hate the youtube algorithm but finding new songs by falling down the 'recommended' rabbit hole was entertaining.

As for christmas, this is my first without my wayward too, being with my family will help and mum has given me set things to organize to keep me occupied, maybe ask the folks if there is anything you can help with - grocery shopping, decoration hanging, cooking, anything, and focus on helping them rather than it being the holidays. IDK you might think that's dumb but it's helping me get through this time.

I can't wait to see the dune movie, the first one was so bad and the books are great.

Take care CCB, hoping you get through this part.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 7:56 AM, Thursday, November 18th]

CCB, I expect that you have discussed these feelings with your therapist, and probably heard that it is normal. If so, I agree. I expect that MOST of the folks who have endured infidelity have felt the same. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I feel lonely, and I judge myself for feeling lonely. I crave physical connection;

Feeling lonely is natural and understandable. Don't judge yourself.

In regards to craving physical connection - that is human nature. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Pretty normal stuff.
1. Stop the negative self talk. When you catch yourself doing it say out loud (if you can if not to yoursef) 3 positive things about yourself.

2. Your mind may still be stuck in fight/flight mode, and if it is sometimes your concentration will improve if you are physically doing something when trying to watch TV. I have ADHD so I often am doing 2 things at once, and one thing that I have taught myself that I love to do, and is cool because you are creating things, is crochet. Yup I crochet when the TV is on in the evening. I make simple hats that don't require anything but muscle memory when I have had stressful days, and donate them to a food pantry, and women shelter. My point is positive action will help you move forward from this.

3. Cut yourself some slack. You were married an in a relationship for years, you don't just "get over it" overnight. It takes time. It's ok to allow yourself to grieve.
I agree with maybe trying some singles events/dates, and even some good old sex with no strings. But be very honest with the person, and enjoy it. Sex is good for us, releases tons of good hormones.

4. Maybe give up on TV for a while. Try watching concerts on youtube, and reading, or playing with the dog. I frequently will pull up my favorite group and blast a concert while I'm just relaxing in the evening. It's good for my soul. It's almost as good as going to a real show too.

Well. woke up this morning to a very casual text from my ex wife. She sent me a link to an album on Spotify and said "This album is a pretty good one if you haven't heard it yet!"

Like...I have been no contact with her...and she just casually reaches out trying to be "friendly"??

I don't want to respond. But it really threw me for a loop today. How can someone be so cold, so indifferent, so terrible to me for so long - to the point where we have to divorce - and then text me out of the blue like nothing happened?

Fucking bullshit.

That being said - I feel like I am really having some breakthroughs...my therapist this week told me she is really proud of me for the work I have put into my healing journey and the progress I have made. I am officially, I think, in the "anger" stage of bereavement. I am so pissed at my ex-wife...

Pissed that she wasn't respectful enough to have an adult conversation with me about issues she had within our relationship; pissed that she stepped out of our marital contract; pissed that my whole life I once knew got upended because of her; pissed that I have to take the bar exam again in this new state; pissed that I lost my old dog; pissed that she never expressed any remorse for any of her shit; pissed that she would gaslight me constantly and make me feel like I was the bad person for feeling uncomfortable with her emotional affair; pissed that I lost friends and family out in my old state because of her actions...pissed that they will never know the full extent of her deception.

But I have to be careful because when I allow myself to feel the anger too much, it starts to blend into me getting angry and shameful towards myself. "Why didn't you tell her [this]? Why didn't you call her out on her shit earlier on? Why didn't you stand up for yourself? Why didn't you stay firm in your boundaries?"

All I can do is channel that into bettering myself and moving forward. Being firm in my boundaries going forward; communicating better with future partners.

Anyway. It is a wintery morning here and my puppy and I are going to go on a winter hike this afternoon. He loves the snow so much!

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 3:34 PM, Friday, December 10th]

Cheesecake

Well. woke up this morning to a very casual text from my ex wife. She sent me a link to an album on Spotify and said "This album is a pretty good one if you haven't heard it yet!"

Like...I have been no contact with her...and she just casually reaches out trying to be "friendly"??

I don't want to respond. But it really threw me for a loop today. How can someone be so cold, so indifferent, so terrible to me for so long - to the point where we have to divorce - and then text me out of the blue like nothing happened?

Fucking bullshit.

Please do not respond. Whats in it for you??? Simplest explanation is shes just fishing and who knows or who cares why. You should not care.

Forget the shame crap. There probably is not one person here who cannot go back and Monday morning quarterback something that they did or did not do right.

As far as your list of things you are pissed about. You have every reason to be pissed about those things. But I'd also list what you fortunately will NOT have to be pissed about
(1) being saddled with child support payments that cripple you financially for a long time
(2) not being able to pick up and extricate yourself from her bull shit back home
(3) having to split a long term accumulation of wealth and assets with her
(4) having to spend months and years wondering if shes up to anything again

Whatever decisions you are troubled by and things you think you missed are dwarfed by the way you grabbed the bull by the horns and did what you did.

Again, I would not get bogged down on trying to guess her motivations, which almost for sure were only in her self interests.

Stay focused. Priority #1 is passing that bar exam which removes another hurdle for you. I hope you can just let this roll off you are grey rock her.

Enjoy the snow with your dog. No snow for me and my dog. We prefer palm trees.

Good luck. You will be fine.

@BeyondRage:

Oh yeah, absolutely will not be responding to that. I saw the message and immediately deleted the thread. Nothing in it for me. I am not responsible for validating her feelings right now.

She says, "I don't want to be with you, but I don't want you to forget me either." Narcissistic selfish behavior. But this is also a classic. After all she's done, she prefers to see your reaction against her attempt for communication instead of directly saying what her purpose is. If she sees a positive approach from you, she will continue as if nothing happened. So she will get what she wants, and won't lose anything that she doesn't want to lose.

It will do you no good. Don't reply and block her from every channel she can reach to you. Now that the divorce is complete and there's nothing left for you to keep in touch with, there's no need to contact. She should have thought of these consequences before.

You are right about all the reasons for anger.

After the previous pessimistic post, I'm glad things are getting better now. And I wish you the best.

Edit: And don't listen to that album.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 5:45 PM, Friday, December 10th]

@CCB, May I ask why haven't you blocked her? AFAIK, you are officially divorced and no kids. So, what's keeping you from blocking her? If there's is anything left regarding tax filing or dog related update, she still have your email address, right?

Just ignore and move on. She's just fishing for a reply.

Hey CCB,

Why let her trigger you any longer? Your D is final, you're building a new life. Just block her on all media. Give yourself a break. Cut the cord. Let the B go and screw up some other guy's life.