SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good luck and good healing as you get away. One of the possibilities you did not consider is the group of BH (and BW) who have successfully recovered and R’d, and are happy in their M as they move forward. No regrets. Yes, we exist. This site was founded by such a couple. One of the things I had to realize in my journey, is that I needed to do what was right for me, and I could give a rats behind what others did in response to infidelity. Following my DDay I was dead set on D, and separated and moved in that direction. I also come from a very abusive childhood. I decided although I loved my WW, I was not going to tolerate living in another dysfunctional situation, after enduring a horrible childhood.

The most important discovery I made post-confrontation was that I really like myself. I was far from a perfect partner, but I worked very hard at connecting, being faithful, and being committed to our M. I realized that no matter what happened in the future I would be okay. This was a major realization for someone who had been beaten down as a child. After a few months separation, my WW asked for a chance to show that she had worked on herself and made some pretty big changes. Based on her work, I decided to give our M a chance. The first two years were difficult but my WW never wavered and maintained her changes. We moved on from there and have been very happy in our R.

At the time I decided to R I knew I was doing it because I wanted the relationship, not because I needed it. I knew my WW well enough to see her commitment. Of course it was a risk. But she, in my mind, was well worth the risk. And when I decided to give her a chance, I couldn’t care less what others advised or what others did in similar infidelity situations. I did what was right for me. I was the only person I have to please. And if someone else thought me weak or lacking in self-respect that was their problem, not mine. I live by what is right for me, not by what others think I should do. You are faced with a deeply personal decision, not governed by group outcomes or probabilities. Figure out what is right for you in your life. If your WW’s infidelity, lying, and disrespect, is a dealbreaker move forward with D. If not, do you have all of the truth about her A, and any other infidelity? Is she voluntarily doing everything on your list? Do her actions show true remorse or does she become defensive and angry? Even if she is remorseful, is she worth going through the recovery and R process? You will figure it out. Good luck.

I get what you’re saying.

My growing up situation was very mixed, but when it was bad, it was bad. Enough that I used to climb into my closet and hide.

I developed an I’m alright’ front. And I even managed to love but it was quite and effort to get myself there, whole. I feared I wouldn’t be able to.

One of my biggest fears is that I would revert back to that less integrated, more dissociated, more scattered version of myself, which worked, but I don’t want to be again. I respect and am grateful to that kid who got me here. The child is the father of the man. But I feel better in my own skin now.

I think your instinct to feel the feelings is the right one.

JC,

I went months without feeling anything. Now, here I am doing the same fucking thing. I somehow need to get a grip on this and let myself feel the pain

Your survival instinct has kicked in and it's natural that your mind retreats into your fortified safe place. Again, you're tremendously self-aware

You also seem to be cognizant that the choice between D and R cannot entirely be a rules-based, analytical one. Your relationship with your WW and the twins spans some 40% of your life to date. Walking away from that and starting afresh comes with a mountain of emotional hurdles to clear. It'd not be unreasonable for someone else in your position to look for any sign that could support R and latch on to that. Statistically, that would be a bad decision but individually, it's not all that cut and dried.

Working with your therapist to let your emotions come in will be helpful

Get some rest. Nature is a good way to find some relaxation.

When you are ready, a good Therapist who is a trauma specialist will be able to help you work through the pain.

It’s expected.

As I sat there, this wave of sadness just overwhelmed me. I‘m not sure I can even articulate this. Many of you have said I’m doing a great job handling all this, but I’m really not. I’m just mechanically executing.

We talk of the pain of being betrayed. I broke that down to anger, grief, fear, and shame. I think you're doing well BECAUSE you're letting some of the pain in - which is the way to get it out, IMO.

Being betrayed is traumatic. It forces us to do some sort of combo of feeling and stuffing emotions. The more one feels, the quicker one heals (again, IMO). So breaking down in grief for a while is one of the ways you will survive and thrive.

It's no fun to feel grief, anger, fear, or shame, and one has to do it for longer than one thinks is right, but it's the way to get from the despair that follows d-day to a good life.

I have no idea what's best for you. I have no idea what you will choose to do. But I'm pretty confident you'll choose a good path for yourself.

And re-read fareast's post or 3:09 PM.

JC,

I grew up in a similar environment that you survived, except my abuse came from my Mother. Her words cut deeper than the punishment she distributed among us 3 siblings. Around the age of 10 my Mother married my Step Dad, their marriage lasted until I was 22.

He became the buffer between us and our Mother, protecting us as his own. She cheated numerous times on him and he stayed until he couldn't take any longer. We consider him to be our Father and not Step Dad, he's remained a part of our lives. Someone we admire, respect and love.

I think that your daughters feel the same for you. Even if you end up divorced you will always be their Dad and a part of their lives.

Peace to You

As I sat there, this wave of sadness just overwhelmed me. I‘m not sure I can even articulate this. Many of you have said I’m doing a great job handling all this, but I’m really not. I’m just mechanically executing. I realized siting here that I’m doing just what I did as a kid. When I was beaten unmercifully or worse, abused emotionally, I went to a space in my mind where no one could find or hurt me. I went months without feeling anything. Now, here I am doing the same fucking thing. I somehow need to get a grip on this and let myself feel the pain. I know it’s the only way through this. I’m going to unplug when get up there and maybe having an entire week with just myself might help.

Thanks for sharing the depths of hurt and abuse youve endured in the past. Im so sorry you had to. I believe theres a special place in hell for abusers of kids (or so I hope).

I relate to your coping mechanism very much and its a hard pattern to break, especially when in survival mode. I worked through it with a lot of therapy and through that time, much of what Sissoon posted about feeling your feelings in order to heal was a lesson I had to learn and it was very very hard. I still struggle with it but do better now after decades of work. One of my mantras now is "Feel your feelings but feelings are not fact," i.e., feelings must be processed but are not necessarily definitive or indicative of your life and future.

As to this:

Just a quick comment on the group outcomes I outlined yesterday. I noted these as more of a general observation on how I thought being aware of the possibilities could be useful in my decision-making process. It was never my intention to spark a debate about the usefulness, validity or accuracy of any this. Of course it’s not scientific, and using only SI data, never could be. I’ll touch base with you all when I get back. Thanks again for your continued support.

Of course the accounts here and on other sites are not statistacally predictive. Of course they are anecdotal and subjective. They are also valuable and can prove very helpful as to broad-stroke themes and common experiences. Hell, its part of what I and others are doing here and on other sites. To learn. To hear from veterans. Absorb some crowd sourced wisdom. To find out how "not alone" we are.

As you now stare at this most bitter pill trying to figure out what to do with it and how to proceed, I hope what has already been shared here and what youve read will stand you in good stead.

On the chance that you glance here before your get away is over, let me recommend two titles to you that may put some extra rebar in the concrete of your conviction and help brace you in this earthquake:

• No More Mr. Nice Guy

• The Way of The Superior Man

Look forward to hearing from you on the other side....

delete...

[This message edited by Apollos at 11:55 PM, Monday, March 11th]

Any update JC? Help us help you….

I think JustCrushed stated he was going up to the mountains for some well deserved solo time this week. He may not have good internet or cell coverage for the next several days. We probably need to wait until this weekend or early next week for him to reply (if he wants to.)

He needs to unplug and relax. Hopefully, when he next posts he has a well thought out plan after giving it a thorough consideration on how he wants to proceed in his next stage of his life.

Well. It’s been a quite a week. I spent a lot of time taking long walks, journaling, meditating and had several really cathartic moments. While I’m still really sad, the anger has dissipated and I’m feeling resolved in the decisions I’ve made to move forward. I know there will be times I question or second guess myself, but for now, I’m feeling settled on the course that I’ve decided on. I’ll briefly try and go over this.

The most important thing for me right now is to take care of myself. I thought I had pretty much put my childhood trauma behind me, and that’s obviously not the case. The trauma from childhood is so intertwined with the trauma from my WW, that I can’t begin to separate them. I’m going to find am IC that specializes in trauma and infidelity and get to work. I know this is going to be a very long process and I’m worried about what I’ll need to do and feel to get to the other side. I don’t feel have any other option at this point.

I’ve been in love with my WW for over fourteen years. Up until I found out about the A, I had always felt loved by her. She is human and clearly has some very deep issues that have somehow just surfaced. I still love her, but I know that I can’t stay in this marriage. I plan to tell her when I get back tomorrow. I’m hoping to be both kind and gentle when telling her. There are two major things I want to cover with her. The first is since splitting assets should be pretty straight forward, we can use the same attorney. If she wants to get her own attorney and fight, I’ll fight. The results will be the same except we’ll spend thousands of dollars needlessly. It’s her call. Either way, we will be divorced. Period. I’ve really wrestled with the second thing. I’m going to tell her we could possibly reconnect after she’s done some serious work, and that I want a year of no contact. Additionally, while I’m not planning on dating anytime soon, I’m not committing to sitting on the sidelines. I don’t expect her to either. I’m not going to say this, but in addition to her doing the work, I need to have some kind of positive experience in IC that could even make reconnecting possible. Frankly, I know the chances are pretty slim.

One of the other things I really looked at was what do I want going forward. As much as I enjoyed raising the girls, I don’t have any desire to start over again. This would include getting together with someone that had younger teens. I know this will really limit the dating pool, but I’m pretty set on this. I’m not anywhere near ready for an intimate relationship, but when I am, I think I’ll stick to a FWB type relationship.

Finally, the last major thing I thought about was my career. My job had been absolutely soul-crushing. I stayed in it because I wanted to help give my WW and the girls a life I couldn’t have dreamed of. I’m not going to make a rash decision, but I know I won’t keep doing this. I need to find something where I can give back and make some kind of a difference. Thanks for listening. I’ll check in after I’ve talked with my WW.

Every story here is a living nightmare, and I'm very sorry you've joined this club, J'Crushed. I sense you know which way you're leaning, and I just want to wish you well on your journey. A week in the mountains sounds like a good way to begin the process of examining the debris of your former life and laying out some first steps toward rebuilding. Take care of yourself.

I like your plan.
Some people , no matter what have to proceed with a divorce first for there to be any chance of R. Let me ask you this, is there any part of you that regardless of what she says, really wonders and needs to know if she truly wants you and the marriage? I know I thought long about that too and you know, at this point what weight do her words really have…

Maybe there is a way for you to know that through actions, if that’s what you need. Think about telling her in whatever way you want that after the divorce she will destroy any chance if she does date during your time apart.

I’m pretty hard line on most things. Having a partner pining for me for awhile, or a year just in the chance that I’d come back to them would be proof enough of their words. For some people that wouldn’t matter, but someone like me it would. I would not expect her to even agree to it, and I’m sure some would view it as cruel or punishment or whatever but what the hell. Some things you just need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt and in these situations, they just are filled with doubt.

You're confused, you think you're thinking but you're still in shock and I think you're talking nonsense.

Choosing to leave is a good decision

Offering to be open to connecting with her again in the future is a pointless and impractical decision

It means that she can get any man she wants and will be with you (then there is no need for divorce).

Don't rush into your life decisions, you act as if your life is over, many people around your age who are starting over and being happy.

You don't have to act like you have it all figured out, life sometimes surprises/challenges us, but as long as you continue to live, you adapt to change, limiting yourself with walls instead of adapting to change will only make you a loser.

Don't act like your life is over!!

JC

You have a good head on your shoulders man. That's an impressive game plan you've laid out given the shock of a lifetime that your WW gave you a few weeks ago.

That said, please reconsider offering your WW the possibility of a post-divorce "marriage 2.0" at this stage. That could send her mixed signals IMHO and might lead to bitterness and heartbreak down the line. Just focus on convincing her to part amicably and avoiding an adversarial legal situation.

Good luck!

Setting personal goals, lists and establishing healthy boundaries will get you through the divorce process when it becomes overwhelming and when your ex throws up roadblocks.

Keep all plans about D details to yourself, your ex doesn’t need to know ahead of time, she’ll find out via lawyer, this saves unnecessary conflict.

Take time for self care activities, I’m a huge fan of try those scary or new hobbies now, they’re a blessed distraction and really do stop falling into those sleepless nights when you’re brain just won’t stop (anxiety thoughts, one sided mind fights, mind movies, regret thinking etc etc) Exploring hobbies you’ve always wanted to try (even if it’s a new computer game or a craft) does bring small joys and fulfilment.

Stay connected to your supportive group for emotional support but also physical touch. You’ll be shocked how powerful a hug from a friend/family becomes during this time.

With IC get them to help you with self-compassion, self-validation and forgiveness (for any regrets that inevitably creep in.) For the last one my therapist (during my D) told me when the negative thinking clouds roll in to stop what you’re doing and instantly think of a colour, then find five things in your immediate space that is that colour and really observe the things, the shapes, textures, say what they are.... anyway it’s a technique to bring you back into the now and as silly as it seems it really works, that and your "happy place" playlists to play to make you feel better and bring you back into the now.

An important one is setting boundaries with the ex to establish healthy communication patterns as you weed her out of your life. Be always alert, important things must be documented (email) and avoid heavy talks in private (have them at coffee shops) because, and this pisses me off about my own gender, WWs can lay down false DV accusations to get a leg up in court. Until you have your own place with locks she can not access just be aware even the "nicest" ex can flip during divorce.

List are miraculous during this time, with a lawyers help you can write out bulletpoint lists of things you need to do to legally become a single person again without any surprise credit cards or debt in the future (like close joint accounts, open individual accounts, close joint streaming accounts, subscribe to individual streaming accounts etc etc etc) cross the off as you go. Buy a storage binder to keep everything divorce related in it to save you from having to waste time finding paperwork, I swear my bank asked for the same documents several times over several months so it helped having everything in one place (like insurance letters, valuation letters, lawyer letters, health records, utility bills etcetc)

As always work on a wellbeing routine, proper nutrition, sleep, activities and hydration. It’s easy to put things off for tomorrow, especially on busy days juggling work and things you need to do for the divorce. I personally loved making "healthy dump meals" and living off my slow cooker to help with the nutrition side of things.

Best of luck rediscovering yourself

You absolutely are doing the right thing by working on healing and focusing on yourself. I am not sure though that you want to give her the possibility of reconnecting. She might put in the work just for that small chance, not because she truly wants to change. If you really want to reconnect in the future, wait and watch.
If that window to R is being kept open, you would want to know now if this is not her first rodeo. She will be open to communicating now, not so much in a year when things are better.
Don’t give away the chance or possibility of R so easily. She won’t value it.

You have to realize this isn’t the end of the world for you. You gave it your best shot. It’s her loss. She lost someone that realizes the value of having a family. Someone that worked hard to provide a good life for her and her daughters. You have to be a very selfless person to do that. A good solid catch so to speak. There are women out there that will give an arm and a leg to have a partner like that :)

You have to take it one day at a time now. Just making it through the day with that kind of grief and turmoil is an achievement in itself. I wish you well.

Sounds like your get away did you much good as to the time and space to process. I find your last post to be well reasoned and self aware. I think you are in the process of dialing in clarity and I am glad to read it for your sake.

Like some others, the only point Id caution you on is the possibility of reconnecting afer a year. May I suggest keeping that thought to yourself? Telling her this may muddy the waters of her intentions/motivations. If she is to completely rehabilitate her character (a huge undertaking) it needs to be for herself, not for some possible false hope of getting back together with you. If you are set on divorce, then divorce and move on completely and leave the rest to the fates.

Another reason I counsel you to keep the reconnecting possibility to yourself is that for all intents and purposes, her double life of betrayal has already divorced herself from you. Deeper still, I believe that in the days ahead, when your soul more fully catches up with reality, youll discover that the pair bond which predates your legal marriage by far, is severed. This was my mistake. I grossly minimized the true damage and spent nearly a decade trying to repair the irreparable. The toxicity of it all seriously retarded my recovery and any possible progress she may have made. I deeply regret not divorcing and moving on completely, but again,I had small children to consider. Even so, I made the wrong choice for me.

The other reason is that, as youve already expressed, your deeply ingrained coping mechanisms need to be processed in therapy and seperated out from from your current situation and trauma recovery. You may or may not relate to this, but one coping mechanism is to minimize to try and take the edge off of the sharp pain. I know whereof I speak.

So, chart your own course now and leave hers to herself completely is my best advice.

Continued strength and clarity to you sir. There can be a great life on the other side of this mess.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:19 PM, Friday, March 15th]

I want to throw out some things for you to think about as you go about your decision making. Please understand that in no way do I want to be cruel and throw more salt into your wounds. That is not my purpose. My purpose is to help you to make the very best decision for you and your situation.

Many decades ago, Steven Covey published a bestselling book which helped me very much. It is titled "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". He gave great advice about many life areas. One thing he talked about was trying to recognize the different Roles we all play in our day to day lives, and to try to achieve excellence in each of our roles.

For example, at the time of reading it I had several different Roles and wore several different hats, as we all do. I viewed my own personal roles as an Executive and Leader at work. At home my Major Roles were Husband, Lover, Father, Provider. There were Minor Roles which changed from time to time, depending on the time and circumstances, such as, city junior basketball league coach, assistant scout master, etc.

My reason for mentioning these Roles is to try to get you to see how you view your Roles and the importance you place on your own Roles... and then to see how your wife might view your Roles, and the importance she might place on your Roles for her.

For example, in my Role as Provider, I was one of the top five compensated executives in the company. So, my wife was able to be a stay-at-home mom all the time our children were growing up. Now then, your wife seems to be highly compensated in her job, so she is probably not dependent on you to be a provider.

How might she see your Role as a Husband and Father to her daughters. I think that Butforthegrace said it best when he earlier wrote:

Who does that? Who chooses to be that cruel, even to a person they don’t like? Never mind a spouse, a man who raised her daughters as his own and otherwise gave the best of himself to her? To that end, my sense is that the timing isn't coincidental. You've said the daughters are now 19, away at college. You've said the affair started about half a year ago. Right after the daughters moved out, presumably. In other words, what she saw in you at the outset -- a steady, hardworking man who would be a reliable helpmate and supportive stepfather -- is no longer needed. Your WW, like most women, knows that picking up a new man is easy to do. For most women, it's as easy as breathing air. The fact that it happened so promptly after the daughters left, on a GNO, with the knowledge and complicity of her besties, it feels deliberate. Planned even. It smacks of her simply deciding that it's time to discard you because her need for what you bring has reached its end.

(The emphasis is mine).

I know that sounds like she is cruel and sinister, but it might help you in your decision making if you try to get inside her head and try to see yourself the way she might be seeing you and what you might be providing for her. You know what she provides for you... but what do you provide for her?

One other thing I might mention is what the word love means to you versus what the word love means to your wife. Probably not the same and maybe it has never been the same.

Again, I wish only the very best for you.

Exactly right lrpprl.