SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m sorry for your pain, the rejection must be devastating. I’m Not trying to put a smiley face on it but, it’s better to find out at the jump that he’s a no go than spending years in false R and catching him in an A years down the road. We often complain on this sight "If that’s what they wanted to do (cheating), why do they get/stay married." I’m certainly not nominating the creep for "man of the year", but it could be worse. He seems to no his limitations.

I’m so sorry, Fold. This is heartbreaking to read, and I honestly can’t comprehend how he and his family can simply react the way(or not react) they have. It seems in his case that the apple has not fallen far from the tree.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and wishing you a much better 2024.

Sending a big hug,
Beach Girl

Fold, This is so dissapointing. His actions are detrimental to your healing and moving forward. Every such incident feels like a set back but this is all on him. It’s also probably difficult to comprehend his actions with the husband you knew in the past. This is a new selfish stranger / devil you are dealing with.

I can understand how you feel discarded by him and his family. Remember this is a reflection on them and how little they value relationships and other human beings. This is not a reflection on your worth and I hope you don’t let it impact your self worth.

You should have a talk with him. Lay out your expectation's clearly about calls and interactions with the kids. He can get away being a lousy husband but there is absolutely no excuse to being a lousy parent. He cannot be relied on to do the right thing on his own. You will need to unapologetically demand that he does the right thing for his kids.

Take care.

Tell him that someone you know told you he would start slowly pulling away from the kids (that was me) and that you didn't and still don't believe that about him. Let him know that you understand he's going through a lot right now, but the kids have to come first; before his embarrassment and before his ego. As someone said, lay out your expectations in explicit detail.

The truth is though, that the only thing you can force him to do is follow his legal obligations, child support and alimony and anything else your owed. The courts see visitation as a privilege and not an obligation, so if he decides to basically abandon the kids there's not a lot you can do except raise the child support (As that is based in most states on time spent caring for the kids.) The whole thing sucks, but you can only do so much. The most important thing you can do is to be there for your kids through good times and in bad. (And get them counseling if he won't step up.)

Thanks, 1st Wife. It is definitely disappointing. Luckily, they are young and so used to just being with me, and used to him calling once a week as it is, that it didn't really come up. They just don't know that his behavior/action/inaction is not normal.

I just don't get it. Like, I am baffled. Maybe he thought it would be intruding on my time, but since they are with me 99% of the time anyway, and he voluntarily let me have every Christmas in our decree, it's not like he was respecting boundaries for "my year" with them, you know? Maybe he thought talking to them on the 23rd was enough, and that following up a week later as totally fine. It certainly wasn't like he was super busy and did not have time since he is not working. And it's not like he was burying his head in the sand avoiding the holiday and feeling bad for himself since I know he was visiting his extended family for the holiday and spending time with them, going out for meals, etc. So, I don't know.

Just weird.

Gunit. Thanks for your note. And your good perspective. I definitely did not want to fall into a False R trap (even though it was something I thought would be a better alternative for a time). And I know that False R is much worse and more painful than knowing where the cards have fallen. Def agree with you there. I think his gut is that he can't hack being a great dad. Maybe he can be a good dad or an adequate dad, but a great once just isn't a possibility. He won't admit that to anyone, himself included, but that is how I see it. So, maybe this tracks with that concept. A great dad shows up, a good dad sometimes does. So he will stick to sometimes showing up because it is what he is willing to do. Thanks for listening.

Thank you, BeachGirl. It hurts for sure. For the kids, as even though they may not get the full picture now, that one day they will see friends with their dads and feel left our or see dad-kid interactions on TV that will begin to hit home and they will start wondering why theirs isn't like the others. Or maybe he will right his ship and this was just a fluke lapse in judgement? No clue. As for the in-laws. Yeah, no words. No good words at least. We can leave it at that.

Thank you, Abalone. I appreciate your message.

His actions/inactions do really hurt. I just don't know who this person is. It is so cliche to continue to whinge on that that way but it is just so true, over and over again, that I am seeing somebody who I just don't recognize any more. So it hurts that he has become someone so unfeeling when he used to have and express feelings and do nice things and be there for the kids. I mean, I know he loves them and he misses them. He did buy them gifts and did spend 1.5 days with them a week before Christmas. But, it's like SO little effort to call on XMas Eve or XMas Day or at the least on the 26th to capture the excitement, wish them well, ask about their Santa letters and gifts. But nope.

I do feel massively rejected by the in-laws. And the kids don't yet but they will one day if this is how it will continue to go. I know it is not me who has caused them to act this way, but it is just really jarring. Especially as we had always had a solid relationship and I have done SO much for them over the years. They are 100% treating me like I was the one who cheated and caused everything to crash down, and by refusing to acknowledge me and anything their son did to destroy our lives other than one measly text message where they said they didn't have any interest in talking about what happened and only wanted to have a relationship with their grandchild. I know it is not me, but it is really hurtful. And baffling. They have had months and months when they could have checked in, asked for a kid picture, asked me how I am, sent their grandkids a freaking Christmas card. And nothing.

As harmful as it all feels, I go back wondering if this is all good for me in some way, in the long run. His continued failings create a larger divide, more head scratching, definitely help replace my sad state with a mad state.

As for his relationship with the kids. I'm not touching it unless it begins to negatively impact them. That was the case when I told him last month to stop hyping up all the fun plans he had for them when he moves here, since he may not be and there is no timeline, and to stop saying "I'll talk to you tomorrow" every time he hangs up with them when he never calls again the next day. He can sort out the dad he wants to be and is capable of being. Likely he thinks he is doing everything right anyway. We can wait and see who shows up.

Thank you, FunHouse. I really value your insights.

I am lucky the kids are so young that his lack of presence/interest isn't yet noticeable. He is paying on time and is at the state max for child support, so no changes could come there. Otherwise I have, I guess, a need to double down on having no expectations when it comes to him as he continuously proves he can't think beyond himself.

Fold,

I’m just checking in to see how you’re doing? I hope things are getting a bit better.

Sending hugs.

Hi BeachGirl. Nice to see you. I still read here daily and always happy to see your name pop up.

I'm doing OK overall. I'm working as much as I can between three clients and a startup. One of my clients has recently increased my hours up and brought me into client work. And the startup I do research for in the evening may yield an opportunity for me to also consult for them, which would be great. Even if a short engagement, it would be a step in a more stable direction, extra cash, and another client for my resume. I have leads on both a free tax prep service (funky tax year with contract work and don't want to mess it up) and a free financial advisement session I hope to take advantage of. I'm still making verrrrrry low income, but with the contractual support from my EWH, cutting corners, and putting in as many extra hours as my clients permit I am able to add to my savings each month.

I still will need to get a real job within the next year. I have given myself until the summer to focus on my still-pretty-new contract work. But, I need benefits that aren't the zillion dollars I am paying out of pocket for coverage, and I need a salary that will let me save for retirement and 529s. It is overwhelming to know I have to start the real job search again. I am just now settling in to my very busy work routine and the flexibility is so needed with kid schedules and partial aftercare. But I know I have to do it and it weighs on me so much.

Kids are doing great, happy and healthy. Love school, their activities, and I fill the weekends with art projects, puzzles and games, little outdoor adventures, and have found a host of free or low cost activities to put on our weekend calendar while the weather is not great -- free chamber music concert at the library, $5 tickets to college hockey games, half off admission to a children's play based on the chapter book we're currently reading each night at bedtime. They continue not to ask much about their dad but are almost always up for talking when he calls. A few times it has been "tell him not today, try tomorrow." He will be in his current state for who knows how long, maybe a year. He is facing the pending legal case and it will continue to be a very long process. It works for me because I feel much more calm and "safe" knowing he will be in a different time zone for a long time. Speaking of which, he must have made a resolution to be less of a deadbeat as he has been calling every 3-4 days vs. once per week. I overheard him say that he set an alarm on his phone to remind him to call. Now, one can read into that many ways but I read it as freaking pathetic. Alas, the deadbeat-ness continues as he cut short a call with them earlier in the week because "it was time for him to order his dinner takeout order" and called yesterday to chat during his long weekend at the beach on vacation where I heard him say three times he would "talk to them tomorrow" which of course never happened. So, not much has changed there. And it totally gets me that he is busy ordering meal deliveries and going on yet another vacation with no job or responsibilities while I am living the exact opposite of that. My luxury is putting the heat past 65 on the extremely cold days and then worrying about how high the bill will be and feeling guilty I raised the temperature.

As for me, I go between being OK and not. Honestly, being so busy helps so much. I have my weekly online therapist and a women's zoom support group. I meet friends here and there for coffee or play dates and have many more who aren't local checking in. I am exercising, I am sleeping better. I don't cry as much. Not every day, but still several times a week. Out of anger or sadness or just feeling overwhelmed with the physical, emotional, and mental load of doing everything on my own. Out of jealousy when friends and school parents and neighbors are off on vacations or going out on date nights or just being able to to live in a marriage where their partner doesn't cheat on them and abandon them. I feel like a second class citizen in a lot of ways. I don't match the average economic makeup on this area and now I get to have the label of tired single mom in a place where there are just not that many single parents in turns out.

But I'm upright and keep going and try to remember that I am so so so lucky to have my kids and my pet and some shred of honor that I am working and being a good parent and a good person and trying trying trying so hard.

Honestly, how pathetic is your ex! Imagine being so wrapped up in yourself that you forget your children and have to set alarms to remind yourself to stay in touch!!!

He’s reverted back to a bachelor’s life, it seems. Quite carefree! It make me angry for you to have so much responsibility on your shoulders, but I’m sure you agree that you’d never want to be without your children. That’s because you have more integrity and love to share than he’ll ever have.

One step at a time… You’ll have your happy ending. ❤️

Hi Fold,

I read your updates and see so much progress. You are doing a kick ass job of parenting, inspite of not being at your best emotionally. It’s also commendable how your career is starting to pickup especially considering the bad job market.

You might feel like a misfit in the social circles but don’t look at it harshly. You are living your journey with a lot of dignity and boy what a journey that has been !

The only thing that hasn’t changed is that your wxWH continues to be selfish and immature. Needing a reminder to call your own kids ! Now that’s the cherry on top of the big pile of disappointment’s. The pile is pretty high already. There are consequences he doesn’t see or care about right now.

Glad you are sleeping better and crying less frequently than before.

Take care of yourself Fold !

Just popping in with an update, nothing big to report but have been kind of quiet. I still read here every day and it helps so much to see how people are coping at different levels and along this treacherous path to the "brave new world" none of us want to be in.

Kids and work and life are all trucking along. I’m busy juggling everything but have felt more like I’m making strides than treading water in some ways. More serious conversations with one of my clients about (eventually) joining FT, as I am now doing client-facing work as well. It would be aways off still but it’s nice to be wanted, so there is that. Just the potential is a good thing. I would love to have one job vs. four and have benefits and better compensation of course so if it does not pan out then I need to restart my "regular" job search. Financially and logistically this isn’t tenable for the long term. In the interim, I’m working as many hours per week as I can (all business day and after the kids go to bed) and combined with child/spousal support am able to now save a little each month. I was able to max out my Roth IRA contribution for the year and continue to grow my high yield account. I had my taxes done professionally as they were very atypical this year and also had a pro bono financial planning session which was so helpful, just to rubber stamp that I’m approaching my financial health the way I should be. I am definitely still cutting corners in all ways imaginable and constantly — constantly — am consumed with financial worry. But it is a start. Or so I keep telling myself.

I’m lucky to have good friends who continue to check in and have been working with a nonprofit for women experiencing traumatic divorce. We have a weekly zooms and a group chat and it has been so helpful. I continue with weekly therapy sessions despite the high copays and am grateful to have the ability to have counseling again. I literally and symbolically deleted a bunch of people from my phone and rewrote my address book before the new year. It became so evident that the people I was disappointed in for not reaching out just are not going to reach out. It still hurts, and it’s probably something that is always going to really really hurt.

The XWH saw the kids after ten weeks from the last visit.. They had a nice weekend and I got to see some friends and do errands and deep cleaning and work so it was helpful. He is still very deep in his legal process and unfortunately I’ve been tapped to do a deposition, and possibly will get called to appear at hearings. I spoke with a friend who is a retired military attorney for details on the process and am hoping I just give as boring an interview as possible so I’m cut from the pool of people they may call to be further involved. It’s just gross and I want nothing to do with any of it. But I don’t have a choice and must legally comply.

A few weeks ago I was in the middle of an assignment and got a wireless call from a number I did not recognize. I absentmindedly answered it, and it turned out to be my former mother-in-law. I had deleted her number and did not recognize it. I was totally taken aback. She basically said that she had not been ready to talk when I had reached out over the summer, but thought she was ready to talk now. I told her it wasn’t a good time and maybe I would connect with her later. I was rushing off the call to jump on a meeting call and she threw in "but are you doing ok? You’re good?" And I said "What? Am I good? Of course not." And hung up. Should not be surprised because she just wants to alleviate any guilt or fears that I am not well because of what her son did to me. Only for her own benefit. I also have zero intent on calling her. I’ve decided that as much as I would like to word vomit all the horrible things he put me through as I don’t think his family has any clue about any of it, there is just no point. She had originally told me when I reached out that there was no reason to discuss the past, and, she is the past, and there is no reason to communicate with people who have no regard for anyone but themselves.

Other than continuing to deal with the fallout from all of these decisions that were not mine I’m trying to keep my eyes ahead and just rise above as much as I can. I am so relieved to be across the country from all of the drama and that I can recede into more anonymity here, physically.

Thanks again for all of the encouragement and support you all continue to provide. It means more than I’ll ever be able to express.

I’m glad to read such a positive message in spite of it all. In a short time you have reached some major milestones.

While having to delete friends and in-laws from your life is painful, it is sometimes just a shock 😳 that you can misjudge relationships. The MIL not being ready to talk is just an excuse b/c she should have been able to stand on her own two feet and support you. It’s not taking sides. It’s doing the right thing by your family. SMH on that one.

You know this drama will eventually fade into the background and it will not always be this raw and painful. Not saying it won’t hurt and it won’t be on your mind, but it will not be the stabbing pain it is right now.

Hopefully 2024 will be a good year for you & kids.

Good to see your update, Fold. I'm glad that you're able to go to IC and have your support group. I sure hope the FT job pans out soon. It sounds like you're doing well and in a good place. It's hard to believe that it's been less than a year.

Wishing you all the best this year.

Thank you 1stWife and Lea.

I am definitely sticking with silence with the former in-laws. Their treatment of this entire situation only highlights how little they care outside of what is impacting them. This is not even "siding" with one of us. I think they are genuinely fearful of what I would say to them. Even if it is the reiteration of the same facts they know, they want to keep heads in the sand and not hear it again. And they are likely fearful of what they don't know. And there is a lot they don't know. In the end, I think it is just simply not worth my time, they are not worth my time. There is absolutely no value add for me and I see very little for the kids. I have residual guilt over it, but this has been a very take relationship since I have known them and I don't need more life and time sucked out of me by people who lack decency. I keep telling myself that at least.

You should not have ANY guilt over the in-laws.

The fact your in-laws don’t try to maintain a relationship w/ their own grandchildren is the most hurtful part of this situation.

But then again some people are just plain dumb. And it seems like that just makes it harder to pick up a phone and talk to your grandchildren.

How sad.

Fold,

I have thought of you often and hoped that things were going better for you, and they seem to be. Thank you for updating us. I’m always so impressed by your intelligence, common sense, and ethical approach to your life.

I don’t think you have anything at all to feel guilty about concerning your in-laws as they basically abandoned you and your children when they were needed most. It’s bad enough in my mind that they didn’t reach out to you, but it’s unconscionable that they are so neglectful of their grandchildren! What kind of people are these? I think they are the kind that you alluded to – the type of people that only care about themselves. It’s best that they are out of your lives.

Good luck on getting the full-time job. You are definitely to be commended on what you have been able to accomplish in such a short time. I’m always impressed by you.

Sending you a hug.
Beach Girl

Ugh, judging by the behavior of your inlaws, it's really no mystery how your husband became the man that he is today.