SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you, 1stWife. I appreciate your kind words.

The karma has started to come back for him. He was/is so incensed that she is tarnishing his image and name with her alleged lies. But boo hoo, right? He has already single-handedly ruined my reputation and life by association and action. I had zero part in having my world yanked away, while he chose independently to make his choices without concern for their impact on anyone. And now he will have to face repercussions, even if they stem from false accusations. The way I explained it to a friend last week is that he made his decisions to cheat and now somebody else (or a jury) will make decisions on how he will pay for the decisions he made.

When the second and third wave of articles came out it was really the first time he seemed to sit up and face the music. But still was focused just in himself as the victim. Selfish through and through.

I have shown decency and kindness to him in many ways, both through my words and actions and also what I have not said or done. He has shown some of it himself in a few small ways but overshadowed by his misdeeds and ill treatment along the way, from the act itself of cheating to treating me so cruelly under the same roof to the financial harpooning he pulled during the decree finalization. I would be thrilled to never have to communicate with him again. Obviously I will have to, but man, I cannot tell you how I would give almost anything to never have to see him again.

You're so kind, BeachGirl. Thanks for your support.

It smarts how the inlaws are acting but I do understand that their focus is on their son and the very real legal situation he has put himself in. They are intent on hi being victim the same as he is, and clearly their focus is on that without likely much thought to the terrible things he did do and admit to doing to me, our family, his career etc. They are ostriches with their heads in the sand. And their lack of interest or concern for me and the kids is palpable and offensive.

In some ways it may be easier not to deal with them as they are pretty high maintenance. On the other hand it is just yet another thing, another set of people I have lost because I was married to somebody so selfish.

It is what it is. I am so so glad not to be where we used to live and the fact I can hide in modest anonymity here.

Thank you, The End, for your thoughtful message.

Everybody loses in divorce. Especially divorce as a result of infidelity. And when the terms of it bring some traumas as I (self-indulgently) feel my situation has. Definitely not unique that I lost a lot -- stability, financial footing, nuclear family for the kids. That is par for the course for all of us.

But, I do agree that the military aspect piles on more losses, for me at least. It is an insular community and its own little world. Especially when you live on post. It is literally and figuratively a gated community, and once you're not part of it... well, you're just not part of it. We were evicted from our home because of the scandal, obviously I have lost friends, neighbors, and people I viewed as allies and colleagues of sorts, and I lost my identity. I'm not a military spouse when I was for a long time. I'm not doing the forced volunteer spouse activities I leaned into as my career when I couldn't work a regular job so I lost that career angle and purpose. My kids aren't part of the nice bubble of being military brats, where the community and installation watched out for them. We've been forced off the island so to speak. Still weird, still unsettling. And yes, the hardest part has been having very private details of our lives and the terrible decisions my ex made as literal front page news. Multiple times now over the last several months. It is so incredibly embarrassing.

Somehow the pain and shame from all of this continues. It is easier as I get further away, but still of course incredibly damaging in so many ways.

Thank you for your good insights, JeanieGirl, and for your professional input especially.

He has lawyers assigned to him via the military but also private lawyers. I actually helped research firms and interviewed them before he retained them in the days immediately following DDay. However, I made it very clear to my ex and his legal team that I wanted nothing to do with the case. No comments, no deposition. I don't legally have to comply with meeting with the investigators or attorneys on either side since I am not active duty (and have been contacted multiple times to do so). If I give a statement I am that much more subpoena-able, as you know, so that is also high on my list to avoid. I was told that typically they do not subpoena family if they don't need to, but who knows. There are plenty of witnesses from the restaurant he could direct his legal team to if they need people to corroborate what happened there. I just want to stay away from it all as much as I can. Neither to help or hurt his case.

It's all just a mess. And so so gross.

Thank you for the vote of confidence about work stuff too. I was hired by a third client today and interview on Friday for a separate projects-based role that would let me do remote, asynchronous work up to 20 hours a week. If I get that it would be hugely helpful. I can focus on the three clients who are all in my time zone during normal business hours and after the kids are asleep can do the project-based assignments. It is all very VERY low pay but a starting point, or I keep telling myself that at least.

Hi Kiwi, thanks for your kind words.

I am so so sorry you will be losing your coverage soon. It has been a stressor for sure, knowing it was coming, as I am sure it is now for you. Are you able to stay on the plan transitionally in any way? I think most private insurers provide for that or a grace period at the least (government insurance does not as they are the worst), so I was cut off at midnight on the day the decree was signed. I did investigate state benefits and applied and was rejected this week. I do not qualify as they include child support/alimony as income (though neither is taxed as income). I do qualify for a discounted plan rate on Marketplace, but the cheapest option is still more per month than I can make with my actual income from contract work (as of now). I live in a high COLA area so this is not terribly surprising. Luckily, I have savings and applied for a plan yesterday. I would advise checking with the Marketplace to see what plans are available; they have calculators to help determine what you are eligible for, including aid in your state. Then you just apply, submit financials to prove your situation, and a cancellation notice for your policy (can be done after enrollment). You'll be alerted to what you qualify for.

As for selling jewelry I took two routes. I first researched what the average ROI is. Spoiler: it's about a third of what you paid unless you have loose diamonds so prepare for that as it super stinks. Once I got my head wrapped around that estimate, I researched the top independent jewelers in my area, read a bunch of reviews from sellers, and narrowed down who to sell to. I booked an appointment, brought in the pieces, they were examined, and then they made me an offer. I had a reserve price in mind for each which helped going into things. I feel they sold for a fair rate. Got a check and went on my way. I also brought a diamond pendant to the selling appointment but the jeweler passed on it as it was not the best clarity. I then sent it to a company called Worthy, which has the pieces cleaned, certified, and photographed for auction. They set a reserve price you sign off on and then you see if the piece sells. They take 15-18% if sold. If it does not sell they send it back to you. My piece is still in auction. If it does not sell I will probably take it to a less reputable jeweler and sell it for cheap. So, both going to a physical store (or a few to shop for the best offers) or Worthy may be good options for you.

Wishing you a lot of luck, Kiwi. Will you keep us posted about the insurance?

Fold, I hope your interview on Friday went well ! it’s been a short time and you are moving ahead full force. Please tell me you are proud of yourself !!

Thanks, Abalone. Found out today that I got the side gig I interviewed for last week. My hope is between juggling my three contract clients during business hours and managing kids/schedules that I can do the side gig work after they are in bed. Between the agency clients and the side gig I hope to get up to 40-50 hours. It is all very low pay (1099 too) but I will be closer to breaking even if I can make this all work.

And now more real work begins. I onboard with my new client tomorrow and know it will be a lot of work. All new systems, formats, platforms, styles, to get up to speed on. While keeping the wheels spinning for my two other clients (both of whom I am new with and to as it is, one from September and one from October), who also use all different platforms, rules, processes. And then next week I will onboard with the side gig company and get up to speed on their systems. The ramp up is always hard. I hope I can keep it all straight and sorted out. It's a lot to take in at once which has kind of been the theme of my life the last several months, right?

Got my insurance correspondence today officially showing my cessation of benefits. The insurance loss has been so challenging, trying to figure out what I can get and what rate and what is covered and who is in a network or not. I was definitely in a low place even acknowledging that I could be eligible for services (and then in a different way low finding out I was ineligible which somehow both makes and does not make sense to me). But seeing it so definitive on paper got me for some reason. Dates of coverage: my wedding date until my divorce date. And then a big old stamp of "loss of coverage" and "ineligible" on top. Why does something like this, seeing it all so plainly on paper, make me sad? Rhetorical, that one. Just was not expecting to cry today and here I am.

You have so much on your plate, Fold, but I have no doubt that you will handle it well. I have been so impressed by your organization and levelheadedness. All will be well, but I’m sorry you have to go through this… Hopefully this will all just be a bad memory someday soon.

Sending a supportive hug.
Beach girl

The insurance issue is troubling. Does you EXH at LEAST pay for the insurance for the children?

Thanks, BeachGirl. Your support means a lot, even just listening to my nonstop venting. Thank you.

Hi Jeanie. Yes, the kids have coverage under his plan. I was booted the day the decree was signed. Based just on what I am actually making in income (support aside) my monthly insurance — cheap option and not including dental — is currently more per month than I take in. Is what it is. I am hopeful I get my insurance card in the nail this week so I can get back into therapy.

Fold,
Hope things are well and you are getting used to juggling different projects and the kids. Being busy has helped my mental health, so I hope that is the case with you as well.

Take care !

Everyone doesn’t lose in a D because some people take that second chance and make the most amazing life for them & kids etc.

And I think Fold you will be one of the people that will thrive. You have accomplished so much in a short time frame.

You can’t remain with a sinking ship unless you give up. Unfortunately your cheater made some bad choices early on that forced you to take the plunge and save yourself & kids.

But I think in the end you will see you lost a marriage and lifestyle that was good, but what you have now is better.

Thank you, Abalone. I totally agree. Busy helps tremendously.

And I am definitely feeling busy with the client work and startup work. I hope to scale up to 40-45 hours in the next few weeks and once I get a hang of the startup work I can add on. It all is a lot to juggle. I essentially have four bosses, four sets of assignments, four sets of complete suites of technological platforms. Between the four and my own personal accounts I manage something like 10 email inboxes, 6 Zoom accounts, 6 Google suites. I do my client work during the day when the kids are at school and the two days when they are home midday I just do what I can while managing them and typically log in after they go to bed to finish up anything I need to do that day. My plan is to focus on the startup projects at night when they're asleep -- e.g., work 8:00-10:00pm each night to get a quick 10 hours in per week. Just remembering to tell myself that this is all I can do for now and it is a start.

All the other trains are running OK -- kids, kid activities, errands, household chores, PTA and school volunteer work. I restart therapy next week (yay). Kids had good dentist appointments and teacher conferences. I sold the last piece of jewelry I wanted to part with on auction. I have 95% of Christmas shopping completed. I'm exercising 5 days a week and sleeping a bit better. Saw friends a few times this month and have some plans for next month.

As for the ex he is still out of state. Allegedly the judge has recommended tossing the charge as the alleged victim admits on tape multiple times that is was consensual and she initiated it. He is waiting on next steps. He still intends to move to my city but I really don't want him here. Not my decision of course. He has seen the kids three times since late July, each for less than 48 hours. He still calls them usually once a week, sometimes twice. Not on Thanksgiving though. He didn't reach out to talk to them until Sunday night. In-laws have had zero communication with me and I have decided I don't want or need to be in touch with them again. His siblings and I traded very brief happy thanksgiving texts (they initiated). But no other discussions and we have not spoken by phone in over six months. All the things I was "storing up" to tell them -- the multiple instances of cheating, the financial choke-holding, the gambling vacation and lying, etc. may never be heard. Maybe it matters, maybe it does not.

Thanks for your note, 1st Wife. I hope you had a great holiday.

I definitely do not feel that what I have now is better, but I know it can be better than it is for me now. I still see the ideal as being the nuclear family, you know despite the unfaithful part. It is what I had always wanted and what I had until I did not and now it is something I will unlikely have again for numerous reasons.

I know I can give the kids a good life. Solid, loving, supportive. But it will be challenging and there will be struggle. More than I had anticipated and planned for and more than they deserve. They will miss out on the type of life they were intended to have. And I hate that for them.

I don’t understand why he’s moving to your city when he has so little contact w/ his kids now.

In a way I’m glad the charges will disappear. It makes it easier on your kids that you don’t have to explain that to them (unless they already know).

But honestly the XH’s behavior is just hard to understand. From the beginning of this debacle he’s been doing very little to make anything better. I just don’t see why he’s moving to be near you & kids.

I can see the absolute downside to his moving to your state Fold. I worry that once this is all behind him, he'll try to worm his way back into your life. Or at a minimum, if he's closer he'll start interfering in the life you've set up for yourself and the kids.

On the other hand, if he's around more that is good for the kids. And it might give you some breathing room in terms of handling the kids full time while you re-launch your career.

Still emotionally tricky though. I completely get the relief of his distance right now.

Glad to hear you're stringing together some work. Hopefully, that will take off and you can check financial anxiety off your list.

Fold123-

I have been reading about your journey and wish you the very best as you have handled this crazy situation with skill and grace.

I know it’s not terribly important in the scheme of things but in the military, consent is not a key factor in certain circumstances. . If a person has direct authority (leader subordinate) relationship …. And it doesnt mean just sexual, any overly close relationship….that compromises the integrity of supervisory authority. The leader has the higher responsibility to maintain proper behavior and ensure that there no perceived or real favoritism.

A Commands attitude towards this does effect charges. However, Anyone in the military knows the rules and has seen it play out before. He knew that he held the higher authority and did it anyway. She is no victim, but consent doesn’t mitigate his choices in the view of military justice. I hope for your sake I hope only he loses a rank and learns his lesson.

Wishing you a little peace. Reading your daily schedule gets me tired. You sure have hustle and I’m sure that you will find success!!

[This message edited by redrock at 1:00 AM, Wednesday, November 29th]

Fold! You have a lot on your plate right now but you seem to be doing a good job of managing it all. I am glad you will have access to therapy soon.

I doubt your exWH is going to move to where you are. Once he is cleared of all charges he is going to move on forward oblivious to the destruction he left behind. The kids are well taken care of, he will be happy to continue with the FaceTime parenting and living like a bachelor with no responsibilities. Even if he does move, think of a parenting app that you can use to communicate.

I hope you have some down time during the holidays. Don’t forget to take care of yourself !

Thanks, everyone. Really value your continued support and cheerleading.

I definitely do not want him to move here but he keeps saying it is what he is going to do. I keep hoping he will change tack and go to the mid-Atlantic where he has family, friends, my stepchild, and many many more career options. And it is a short flight to where the kids are. But he will do what he will do, whenever he does it. There is no way he would attempt to move back into my life, but I just have been better having him out of state, out of sight, out of mind. I think he thinks when he is here he will see the kids more, and that may be the case as he has only seen them a few times. But I am not changing our custody agreement. He will have access two weekends a month if he elects to and lot of time in between on his own.