SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks, Abalone.

He is visiting the kids next week and I am curious what he will say about the case, or not when I see him. Presume he assumes I know by now.

At times I think that the further and further I move away from everything the easier it can become. Not being in contact is helpful. And he continues to disappoint in ways here and there that help me see that keeping a line open just for the kids is probably best. At the same time, I think about what we had discussed a few times, that we may be able to have a family meal together or do something as a group in relation to a holiday. So that the kids can benefit from both parents and seeing the family they used to have with both of us there together again. Maybe not this year but another time. Or maybe this year is the year to do it? A new tradition? I don't know.

I did reach out to my in-laws and siblings in law now that things are finalized. My siblings in law immediately replied that they do want to talk so just need to get that scheduled. His parents sent back a very brief message that they see no value in discussing private matters and they just want to set up video chats with their grandchildren. They are the type to stick their heads in the sand so it is not terribly surprising. We had had a very good relationship for more than a decade, and now their decision is to sever it...except for wanting me to do things for them. They don't want to talk to me because they don't want to have to confront what their son did. I get it on some level. But, whether it is petty or not, I sure as hell am not going to go out of my way to create opportunities for them to connect to grandkids they have not reached out about in four months. Their son can facilitate a relationship, you know if he decides to see them more than every six weeks or if he is not in prison.

Hey Fold, I’ve been following your thread; just haven’t commented in a while because others have given you great feedback and advice and you are managing your situation very well, all things considered!

Regarding your STBX in-laws, if they want to have video chats and visitation with your kids, then your STBX husband needs to arrange it. You are shouldering enough of the burden of parenting as it is and your husband is used to you "taking cares of things." Now that you are getting divorced, your ex needs to facilitate the relationship between your kids and his side of the family. You should tell them that if his parents contact you again or if his siblings mention it when you speak to them.

Hey Bluer. Thanks for your message and support. You have had very rock solid advice for me on this thread and I appreciate it.

I agree. His parents, his responsibility. He can video with his parents when he has parenting time with the kids. He also could add his parents onto a three-way call when he videos the kids. Will see if he puts two and two together about options he can engage in to facilitate their relationship. And if they all complain that its too little of the kids' time then they can sort that out themselves. Or trash talk me. Doesn't really matter since his parents don't seem to want to keep in touch any way....

I guess his apple didn't fall far from their tree! Avoidant, dismissive, discard.

Just chiming in to support you, Fold. Not only should he facilitate the relationship between his parents and children, they are grown ass adults who could make the effort as well. Part of that effort would include treating you right as you are their mother and have done no harm to them. That they all drop it on you while treating you like you're disposable? Astounding.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 10:16 AM, Friday, October 6th]

Fold, I am not too surprised with your exWH’s parents responses considering that they did not bother to reach out when all this played out for you. It’s easier to bury their head in the sand than admit the sonny boy’s massive screwups. They are delusional if they think they can discard you and still expect to help build a relationship with their grandkids.
At this point you need as little stress and negative energy as possible, invest in relationships that are positive and uplift you. Discard them just like they discarded you. The kids won’t miss out on anything by having grandparents like these. I doubt your exWH will take the effort to develop their relationship, even if he is not in prison. He’s too selfish for that.

Thanks for your messages, TheEnd and Abalone.

Yeah, not a great message from the in-laws, but they don't want to confront reality the same as their son does not want to confront reality. I've always had a good relationship with them, but it has been pretty one-sided for a long time. They are older, set in their ways, and tend to do more taking than giving. Not having a close tie with them is not the end of the world for me. But I would be lying if I said their dismissal did not smart. I definitely need to focus on people, things, and situations that bring me up. I really can't take much more disappointment so will keep distance there.

He is in town now to see the kids for two days. We had a chance to talk while they were at their weekend sports lesson yesterday. He said that the investigation will progress but is on hold until after the new year. Media is unaware it is in the second phase so he didn't think he needed to give me a heads up. He has had the chance to review the interviews and report from the first phase of the investigation. Allegedly the AP made admissions that she initiated the incident and participated not against her will. But later felt that she came onto him and initiated it because it was what she thought he wanted him to do. So, there is the coercion piece to it. She also allegedly made a lot of contradictory statements in her interviews, and was untruthful about certain incidents. One is when she ran into him at a restaurant a few weeks later that she went to the bathroom to throw up from stress and immediately left the restaurant. But that is a lie because I was there that night and she left her inside table to come to an outdoor patio where we were with a large group four times over a two-hour period to talk to us and our friends. It all doesn't really matter because it does not change anything. The investigation will continue. He may go to court or not. They are both liars and cheaters. She may have been coerced or not. We are still divorced. He still ruined everything and destroyed my life. I am still left to pick the pieces up by myself.

It was hard to see him again though. The first time seeing him since we signed the papers. It felt both normal and not normal talking to him. I both wanted to stay and keep talking, to keep sitting next to him and also run as far away as I could. I am so angry and so sad at the same time. I hate him but I miss him. I feel sorry for him in a lot of ways. He has been so cruel and dismissive at times throughout this but also has moments of being considerate, like having the kids video me before bed last night and sending tons of photos of them from yesterday and today. I wonder if it is just going to be like this each time I have to see him.

I think in time your feelings will change. This is all so new and you have so much you have dealt with and much you will deal with.

But over time as his behaviors and choices continue, you will start to have less and less feelings for him.

You may not start to care what happens to him in some small ways. You recognize even now he’s very avoidant and a coward who would rather ignore the truth and the resulting consequences.

It may take time to get there but I suspect one day you will feel almost nothing towards him. You don’t love him or hate him.

As the song goes "you’re someone that I used to know". 🎶🎶

I think we set the bar so low for expectations from our spouses that we tend to value things that should be the norm. My therapist has had to remind me of this anytime I tell her how inspite of everything WH did something to support me. She responds with " ok, this is expected behavior and this is what he should do".

I thought of the same when you mentioned him sending pics and videos. This is what a respectful coparent should do. Not to disregard your feelings at all, but I tend to do this too. We are grateful women who value even the smallest gesture.

It’s normal for you to miss him despite everything. You were blindsided, the marriage ended out of the blue . This is like losing someone suddenly in an accident vs losing someone to a long term health issue. You are still trying to make sense, make peace with the loss.

Please take care Fold.

Fold, Checking to see if you are doing ok. Take care.

Yes, Fold. I’ve been wondering how you are doing as well. I’m hoping things are getting slightly easier for you.

Continuing to send hugs.

Thinking of you, Fold.

Thank you, Sadie, Abalone, and BeachGirl for checking in. You’re so considerate.

I don’t have too much new to update on. The story broke in the media and it was ugly but seemingly a flash in the pan. I read one article and then stepped away; I have a few friends who are monitoring comments and news to let me know if there is any discussion I need to be aware of (about me, kids, our whereabouts).

I was provided a heads up that the story was breaking by a friend in the know; my ex allegedly did not get warning like he thought he would. I wound up calling him that night and he was extremely angry and extremely upset at the media coverage. He kept saying "she’s trying to ruin my life, she’s lying about everything." And it was just such a karma moment. I reminded him that all she was doing was trying while he had already succeeded in ruining my life and the kids’ lives. He continues to be so stuck on being the victim. It’s pathetic. I have heard nothing from my in laws since their dismissal nor have I connected live with my siblings in law. It stings but this family is proving that they are no longer counting me as a family member and that is that. My kids are surrounded by love, from me, and from my family and friends. It’s more than enough for them.

I’ve had several people reach out to me, either directly or through a closer friend or two around the media stuff. Even my attorney, who I’m no a longer a client of, called me on his commute in to work when the article was front page news in the area I moved from to check in. It’s all been kind and I think mostly well-meaning. But the silence of some who I considered to be friends is still pretty loud and that hurts a lot. My issue to deal with.

The kids are well, enjoying school, busy with activities. They have seen their dad twice since July. He calls 1-2 a week. He never asks for photos or videos, never asks me about how school is going for them or if they are struggling emotionally. But they’re well, happy, safe, healthy.

I’ve been spending the last two weeks finalizing my last few lingering to dos now that the paperwork is final and forging ahead on my own. Registered and retitled my car in the new state. Had a car repair done. Enrolled in a virtual certificate program related to my profession. Got everyone flu vaccines and COVID boosters. Opened my own 529 college savings plans for the kids since he won’t contribute to their existing accounts any more. Opened a new high yield savings account for myself to get a better interest rate. Sold my wedding rings. Applied for state medical insurance since I lost mine last month when the divorce finalized. Crossing fingers I’m accepted. I miss access to a therapist.

I have two contract work clients that keep me busy about 20 hours per week. It is very low pay but a start. I’m interviewing for a third client this week and have a lead for a fourth. If I juggle 3-4 I still will not come close to breaking even each month, but it is what works for me for now as I have schedule constraints with the kids and lacking after school care part of the week. This is not the most economical path the way full time work would be… but it is what I can handle logistically and I haven’t gotten a lot of bites for FT anyway. I am going to try to cobble it together for six months and then reevaluate. I worry about money constantly and I am sick to death knowing I am actively losing money each month. But I have my savings, my parents will help if I need it, and I can take a loan if I need one. This is the best I can do for now.

Emotionally I am more even keeled. I have my days of course and I still tear up almost daily. But I feel more in control. I still am wildly insecure about the shame of what has happened, about being divorced, and deeply hurt to be betrayed, again, to have my future ripped away, for all of the negative impacts his singular choices have had on my kids and will continue to have for the rest of their lives. I miss my old life. I am sleeping better for the most part, exercising daily, trying to find silver linings where I can. I’m in a virtual divorce care group that meets each week online and have found a nonprofit for women experiencing traumatic divorce that hosts informal online support groups. I’m trying to do all the things I should do and juggle work and the kids. It’s just exhausting in every sense to be the sole provider in every sense and have no back up, no break, no one looking out for my neglected needs. No surprises there. But it is what it is.

I read the forums every day, all the categories. You all are so thoughtful and so kind and so giving of your time. Thank you for checking on me and for being here.

Fold,

Lot of updates ! I hope you can be safe and away from the media circus surrounding his trial. What did he expect? Play stupid games and win stupid prizes !

The friends and so called family that have distanced themselves are disappointing to say the least but think of this as cleansing unwanted trash and negativity from your life. You would rather enrich your life with few people that want the best for you.
You have had the most painful experience of your life splashed on the news. So please give yourself grace for what you are feeling. You have handled everything with a lot of dignity and class and I really do admire your strength.

I am glad your kids are doing well. I am sure things will start to look up in the job front as well. Fingers crossed !

Please take care Fold! I send you lots of hugs and good wishes.

You have done so much in a short time. Please be proud of your strength and ability to make the best decisions for your kids in a time when it was so difficult and devastating.

I think you have shown your XH kindness and compassion while he has barely been able to do the same towards you.

The irony is he lied to you but is so outraged and devastated(!) the OW is doing it to him! 🤦‍♀️ shaking my damn head on that one lol.

You are doing well and are an inspiration to everyone here that struggles. It’s bad enough to be cheated on but when it becomes a public event, it just adds to the burden you face.

You are rocking this!

I agree with First Wife and the others. You truly have rocked this!

And your ex is receiving his karma.
I’m so glad you moved away with your sons so you are not exposed to the local media. You don’t need to have that circus around you.

As for his family- good riddance if they can’t be supportive of you. As for silence from some old friends it’s possible they worry about how you might take their involvement. Maybe they think you’d like to be left alone or might be embarrassed (NOT THAT YOU SHOULD BE!). I think they’re wrong, but they might be just confused on what to do or say.

Once again, everyone here thinks you have handled this like a champ. You should be proud of yourself for getting out of infidelity.

Good to hear from you Fold.

I was reading all you have accomplished and thought "he's so damn lucky she is the mother of his children." He gets to be self focused because he knows you will take good care of his kids. Fair? Not at all. But he is still benefiting from your competence.

I also really thought a minute about how you've lost more than a marriage. I see the military as pretty insular. It's a world unto itself. You had built a full life in that world and his actions cost you all of that. Many people divorce and face the pain of a lost spouse or new family dynamic. But you had to leave the planet you were on. Most of use don't have to leave behind an entire world. I'm not trying to compare pain or loss but I can see the added loss and difficulty there. Damn.

You're doing all the things, girl. All of them. To move yourself forward into a new world. It's disorienting, stressful and probably lonely right now, but this world (which most of us live in) is a pretty beautiful place. You can make a nice life out here.

Keep taking care of you. If this is you at half strength, you're gonna be something else once you are back to full strength.

Fold,
I think about you often. I’m not on here too much anymore. We lost our big, beautiful, Saint Bernard 3 weeks ago to cancer - and I’m grieving the loss of our loyal faithful companion. Life has just been hard and I’m getting by. But I am just so freaking PROUD of you and how you have taken the bull by the horns to make a new stable life for you and your kids. Friend, you really are a bad ass. I am really truly rooting for you and the kids. I hope your insurance works out so you can get back with a therapist too. Take care Fold!!!
BB

Fold, I am just now reading your thread and I'm so sorry for what you have endured - and still enduring.

Interesting that the prosecution has contacted you to trash him with a depo but the DEFENSE has not reached out to you. (I've done criminal defense for years but NOT dealt with military.) To me, the defense should have been bowing down to you to collaborate how the OW acted at the restaurant. Chirpy and normal and all that. While I certainly have no sympathy for your EX, I can see where he just might be telling the truth that the sex was consensual. So I am totally surprised his defense attorney has not reached out to you. Too bad that couldn't have happened early on and you could have used that as a bargaining tool for settlement purposes. Ironic isn't it, that as a criminal defense attorney, I can see YOU being the one to save his sorry hide?

As Bigger and everyone says, avoid the prosecutor because his/her goal seems to be to incarcerate your EX- H which would greatly harm you and your children's future financial situation.

Wishing you luck on the employment hunt but with your determination, it WILL happen.

As for the in-laws, silence works best for now. Their concern is for their wayward son, not you or his children.

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 8:35 PM, Monday, October 30th]

Wow just catching up with your posts Fold. You are incredible and I hope you are able to be so proud of all you have accomplished so far. You moved mountains to get where you are. You are going to be just fine!

I too am losing health insurance very soon. I’m shopping around for a health plan. But based on your post, I guess I could look into Medicaid. Pls share any info if possible.

Also would love to know where/how you sold your ring. I’m trying to do this as well.

All the best to you and the kids.

Hi Abalone. Thanks for your note. Yes, "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" has become one of the quotes that repeatedly plays in my head. In some cases it just sums being cheated on so perfectly, doesn't it?

And I agree. The older I get, this situation aside, the more I see the value in the quality of people in my life over the quantity. I also know how friendships change and people change and that in this life we can choose who we spend time and energy on and with. It is easier said than done, especially as I am hurt by some who have gone silent the last several months, but ultimately I am beyond lucky to have the people who have shown up show up. Especially the few in the beginning who were the only ones who knew and physically came to my doorstep or in the case of my BFF flew across the country, only telling me after the flight was booked.

Have lost a lot but have had some friendships likely strengthened along the way too.