SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What response are you looking for when you do it?

I’m looking for something I will never have. I am looking for something I will never find spewing anger at him.

I want his forgiveness and acceptance. I want him to love me again. I want him to see that I’ve fallen for him as he is and not for my flawed ideas of what life should be. I want him to believe that I would never cheat on him again. I want him to trust me, specifically I want him to stop believing the narratives and ideas he created about the affair. I want him to see me as more than just a cheater. I want him to see the good in me again. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to be my best friend again.

More than anything. I want him to trust me again. I want him to know that I know I did so much wrong. That I hurt him immensely. That I damaged him more than anything else in this world. I want him to trust that I wasn’t here to hurt him again. I want him to trust he wasn’t just a Plan B. (I really struggle when he tells me he was just a plan b. He never was. I was never divorcing him. I never wanted to divorce him. Again, meaningless statement but most of this is.) I so badly want his love and approval again. I want to be worthy of a life with him and our family to not be ripped apart.

It’s stupid. And pointless. I know. Especially because I did this. What I desire is an unrealistic expectation for the man I destroyed.

I want him to see that no matter how damaged he is and no matter how angry he got, I wanted to stick by him and right my wrongs. I wanted to save him. But I couldn’t. It’s just not enough. Nothing is enough to fix this.

I wanted him to see that I am ok with this separation. I’m ok with us not being together so we can actually heal and then reevaluate after we’ve both had time and space to heal. This doesn’t mean a commitment to be together. Just a commitment to looking with a healthier set of eyes.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 11:02 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]

I want the chance to love him for him instead of “loving” him for who I think he should be.

I want him to see me as a human that did shitty things but not a monster that will never find redemption. So many times I feel like he understands what it’s like to destroy yourself and everyone around you, but since I did it, I will never be anything more than evil.

Honestly, I want to wake up and find out this is all a nightmare. I keep hoping one day he will see the change and reach out. I don’t hold onto any hope that he will ever want a life with me again while at the same time being scared that he will, but the pain and feeling of abandonment will be too strong for both of us to ever really R. I am also afraid for him. I’m afraid of this idea that finding someone else will make him feel desired and loved. (Doesn’t want a relationship, but wants to be loved and desired. I feel like anyone just in it for sex won’t care about your well being.) Misery loves company, I know it’s not my concern anymore, but I do fear for how he will be treated by other people. I worry how it’ll impact him and if it’ll impact the kids by proximity. It’s like I can see how I hurt him and am afraid for him to be hurt again. Or for him to find someone worse than me. I hope that’s not the case, but I have 0 hope in humanity. I need to boot these thoughts though. It’s no longer my business.

I want him to understand that this is grief, not me trying to keep hurting him or fight. It’s not a clean cut or easy process. This is a loss. A big one. And let’s be real, I’ve lost a lot in the past few years. My grandmother that raised me, another baby, his love and trust, my aunt stopped having a relationship with me because she wasn’t left the house.....she and I were always close so that one stung quite a bit, she also made her kids hate me too....money is god, COVID took all normalcy for me, I’ve lost my mental health completely (it was never great, but good god. What have I done to myself?) It was like affair.....affair ends....BAM BAM BAM BAM. All back to back insanity and loss.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 10:58 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]

Iat honey you don't have any control over how he feels in this. None. I know you want all those things and I understand that completely, but in the words of the philosopher Jagger, "we can't always get what we want". All you CAN control is you. That's both liberating and terrifying.

I do think that you guys need to get some sort of schedule in place, for all your sakes. Knowing when he will be there could really help you to be able to woosah yourself before an interaction with him, and I think would help you to keep those volatile emotions in check. Also your kiddos need to have that stability. You and HM have to be in the driver's seat in making this whole thing as okay as possible for your kids. Even without infidelity in the mix, that is really hard to do. It's okay if neither of you do it perfectly. Just keep trying.

Divorce is horrible and messy and sad for everyone. It's okay that it is, it is closing a big chapter and it's a huge adjustment and that's never easy. It's okay that you have big feels about it, you wouldn't be human if you didn't.

I need to stop fighting. I need to stop letting my pain drive me. Sometimes I feel like I can. Sometimes not.

Letting someone go is terrifying even without anxiety at play . When you let go completely however you will find that Being alone feels alot better than what you are feeling right now .

Its a very tough situation to be in - i feel for you and hope things get better soon . Dont forget to eat and exercise to the extent you can . Have you tried any electronic massagers ? I feel they help take the edge off my anxiety .

I actually detest running.

Have you tried walking? It may sound boring but for me it helps me clear my head and get my thoughts straight. If you can't walk in your neighborhood maybe you could find a park nearby or a walking trail. You might like it.

Letting someone go is terrifying even without anxiety at play . When you let go completely however you will find that Being alone feels alot better than what you are feeling right now .

Its a very tough situation to be in - i feel for you and hope things get better soon . Dont forget to eat and exercise to the extent you can . Have you tried any electronic massagers ? I feel they help take the edge off my anxiety

I mentioned this on my other post. I am actually ok today. Not seeing him or talking to him is immensely helpful. The anxiety and panic happen when I interact with him. The word vomit. The spiraling. It’s a lost cause and I need to treat it as such. Our kids need better than this.

I got the kids out today. That helps a lot. Played in the yard. Eating can be patchy. No appetite and when I do eat, I feel nauseated. So I just eat when something appeals. I think I’ve found a gym to join. Great place to be when he’s with the kids.

Have you tried walking? It may sound boring but for me it helps me clear my head and get my thoughts straight. If you can't walk in your neighborhood maybe you could find a park nearby or a walking trail. You might like it.

Yes. We have fabulous parks with hiking trails. Our neighborhood has good sidewalks. Took the little ones for a walk today while the oldest rode his bike. I got a nice speaker to attach to the stroller. It was nice. Really nice. The summer will help me a lot. We do a lot of park trips and meet up with friends that have been very supportive on this journey. The kiddos and I usually get into a good summer routine (pre covid), so I am hopeful we can do that again. Now that I’m not pregnant or tending to a newborn, looking forward to biking again. I have a trailer and the little ones are very content to ride.

I also found myself crafting today. Nothing fancy. Just feelings on paper. It represented a broken heart, cracked down the middle. Two adults are on opposite sides outside of the heart, surrounded by darkness. They are each attached to a rope and the rope is holding the heart together because in the middle are three kids surrounded by pure white and 2 butterflies. If they let go, the kids will fall out. Outside of the heart, everything is surrounded by words related to how I feel. If the two adults fail to keep it together, the heart will separate completely and the kids will be consumed by all the bad feelings.

Poppy won't be joining us anymore. Thank you all for not taking her bait.

Your beliefs become your thoughts,

Your thoughts become your words,

Your words become your actions,

Your actions become your habits,

Your habits become your values,

Your values become your destiny.

– Gandhi

I believe this wholeheartedly. I believe our thoughts shape our life and reality.

I believe we have absolute control over our thoughts and our actions. I'm not saying we have control over what thoughts pop up, but we have control over what we do about it. And how we act/react to it.

I know it can become extremely uncomfortable and therefore challenging to act and behave a certain way when not only are you letting your thoughts rule but you have these intense emotions. You probably feel like your chest will explode if there's no release.

And when you give into it, it feels like a relief to get them out, You should get them out in healthy ways but look at you, you're not. Does this outcome feel any better? Does it feel better displacing your own shit onto Hallmack? I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying it because its facts. You need to address this immediately and find it within yourself to take care of your own shit without involving him. I don't know what is going to work for you, But Hallmack is not your release valve, he's not your toilet for word vomit.

I know how hard it is, I've been in your shoes, I didn't want my marriage to end and I put myself through hell to keep it together. When I left and felt that break I wept and made noises I didn't know where possible. I didn't know my heart could break so completely. I was shattered. It took me a long time to mourn that loss. And you're right, this is a loss, a HUGE loss. And you will no doubt grieve. You will find yourself on a roller coaster of emotions. Get into IC if you cannon control yourself.

What you need to tell yourself is that you don't have the right to use Hallmack as your personal emotional dump. You admit you've done a lot of things wrong and how you would go back and change it if you could. Well this is a chance to do things differently that you'll feel zero regret. Stop the pain, stop the mistakes, handle yourself with a little more pride. And find someone you love to lean into for support (other than HM).

You will be okay the pain doesn't last forever.

I think it also might help if you see that what you are doing is actually cruel to your BH. He is leaving you because it hurts him to stay.

Keeping it professional and not “about your feelings” would be a kindness to him. It’s what I would want.

If I leave my WH, and he started unloading about how much he regrets and loves me and his guilt on me, it would make me feel used. It’s not fair to your BS. I think part of the wayward mentality is thinking other people need to care or fix or hear about your feelings. They don’t. He doesn’t need to hear any of this. And did you unload when the kids were with there?

Change the WS mentality that you have a right to his ear.

And it won’t help your feelings. Perhaps learning with a therapist how to sit in discomfort would be a good thing to practice.

ETA it’s also cruel to you, but I think when WS mess up, they focus on the BS pain, and in this case sometimes sharing your feelings can be intrusive if he’s decided to divorce. Perhaps this changes the narrative of “Maybe if I apologize just right, he will hear me and I can change the course of this...” You can’t. And it’s not fair to anyone to try. Stop doing cpr on a corpse. It also wastes your energy. Invest in learning to sit in discomfort.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 9:12 AM, April 25th (Sunday)]

You’re both right. Completely right. It’s not his responsibility to help me or guide me through it. It’s my own job. And I know I have some very good supports that I can vent to that have 0 emotional involvement in this. For me, it’s the fear of failing again. I cheated. I failed him and our family. I’ve told him I would never quit again. I wouldn’t give up until he served me. We had conversations over the past few years where he told me I should never bring up divorce. That I should never quit, even when he’s screaming that it’s over. That by saying ok, I’d be quitting on him/us again. That’s why I have been fighting so hard. But the reality is, I never know who I am talking to anymore. Deep down, I know letting go is the only choice. My fear is that he will see this and the person than never wanted me to accept defeat will be left shattered, again.

I am in IC and she makes herself available anytime I need support. So that’s a plus.

We have had some back and forth in front of the kids. Most is in text messages. I have 0 self control when I start to text him. I know I don’t. That’s where I’m investing the most efforts. I have 0 reason to text him unless it’s about the kids. Even then, I’m trying not to initiate any conversations. Friday is the last time I texted him about my feelings. It’s not a big accomplishment, but every addict has to start somewhere. 2 days of emotion filled text sobriety. Self control, especially when I’m emotionally charged, is my biggest downfall. It’s gotta stop. If anything, for our kids that love both their parents.

You only have his words. Those infantile mind games of no means yes are just not helpful to adults.

His words are telling you to stop, so stop. Look at this as consent. He is not consenting to the verbal bulimia.

Make yourself write it before you text it. That’ll keep you efficient. Texting is too easy.

Iat, stopping that behavior is what's best for YOU too. You're allowed to think of you in all this and to make decisions that are healthy for yourself.

Don't look at divorce as 'quitting'. Sometimes despite wanting things to work, divorce is the way to get there. My xwh got pissed at me questioning his extra-curricular activities and threw out "let's just get the divorce over with." At the time, I felt like he was quitting on me too. I would have gotten there eventually, but he forced my hand. It really hurt.

But 18 months later I am glad he did. It was what needed to happen and I'm glad that I didn't keep hanging on and trying to salvage things because Lord only knows how much longer that would've gone on.

Point being for me, as much as divorce hurt, getting it done allowed me to really start healing. It freed up all the energy that was tied to the marriage and start focusing it on myself.

He is. You’re right. And I am letting go. Finally. Again, it’s only day 2. Journaling is the best thing I can do for myself. Write it and forget it. Don’t send it to him.

I never wanted to throw out the word divorce. I only wanted to respect his requests to never quit, no matter how much he was saying he wanted it. It’s confusing. Because I was following his words. But I think I need to follow his words in the moment. It’s just been hard to because I feel like it’s anger talking and not him. Now I know it’s him. And I have to let go.

Iamtrash, The things we feel, the hurt comes within is not causal but existential. You are hurt, not because of his existence in your daily life, but your own heart's existence. It is the sound of your. soul's responsd to things, and to your surprise, is a healthy reaction.

However the mentality you are using to move on is called the desentisization, which is also the technique used for minimizing guilty amd shameful thoughts you had during the affair. Desentisizing yourself is not equivalent to moving on. It is more like forcing oneself to be okay with things.

There's one way to cope with all this. The first one is thinking this pain as a interconnectivity you have with your stbxh. Cherish that. You are too much emotional focused and used to pushing it all out in the open to be understood. But somethings are meant to be kept to oneself.

Cherishing interconnectivity is a way to cope with things. Just lay down when these feelings of negativity came. And tell yourself, "this is the same feeling he is feeling now". This is a method, a way, I think could help one to realize their stance. During that time pain multiplies, but the unfairness and feeling of weirdly wronged or let down will subside to help you deal with it.

Another one of the coping methods is by having your peace with things. Just laying down and playing the arguments you had, the lashing outs and fights again and again in your head, to see what you were in the position at that time and what is his position at that time. Try to think of different outcomes or create alternative interactions with these past entities.

The Couples or ex-couples have distinctive patterns of revolving around the issues of disagreement. By realizing these points, next time you can create a more healthy response by changing one aspect to see the response to it. By doing this time to time, a healthy base can be created between two individuals who have different sides. Like mediating the issue between one another by understanding the triggers.

Lastly, I would like to say I am sorry for your loss of the marriage. That is the usual the outcome of the affairs. The Reconciliation is about rebuilding and not repairing, and I guess you guys have figure it out that none of you, or one of you doesn't want to rebuild and recreate to continue. I commend to your responses, but you should go easy on moving on. The Pragmatic way of thinking and feelings never bring positive outcomes. Giving in a little wouldn't make you less of yourself.

Repenting is one of the aspects of letting go. And it seems like you haven't started that process. You can use this temporary custody issue of sharing the home as a repenting situation. In order to repent one must give in.

"I created this situation and the dilemma of our schedule problems. So by giving this, I am mending. Maybe not our marriage, but my relationship with my stbx who I should be in positive norms in order to create best outcomes for children."

These sacrifices always pays off as the other party will notice these and try ro ease up on many other things.

I hope the best for you in regards to your healing, but suppression is not equal to healing. It is just avoidance to feel good. The Healing is just like when real wounds heal, it is a hurting process of coming to terms with things slowly. The Grief and the mourning.