SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

FWS on here, WHERE ARE YOU.

I've largely gone quiet over the last several months. In the past, I've tried to step away but felt myself being drawn back in, but this time has been different.

For almost five years, the A was front and center in my thoughts (really more like 7 years, since that's when we started the conversations that built up to D-Day 2). Because we basically hit the pause button on healing when we rugswept thirtysome years ago, I was as wayward in my thought patterns as I had ever been -- a minimizing, avoidant liar. SI was such a lifesaver for me. I couldn't imagine leaving, and I wanted to repay the community. Sharing my experience and explaining wayward thought processes, especially in BS Questions for WS, felt helpful and healthy. I also wanted to stay in the oven for a while to make sure I was fully baked.

But late last winter, something changed. A conversation on BS Questions made me realize how deathly afraid I was (without even realizing it) of forgetting anything that I still remember about the OM or our time together. I had gotten into deep, deep trouble by trying to erase my memories so that I wouldn't have to face my lies. I spent years trying to make up for that by sifting through physical evidence that could corroborate my story or add clues to my timeline. And because I knew how the gaps in my memory complicated my reconciliation, I didn't dare let anything I still remembered out of my head. The OM has been a constant daily presence for so long, a key player in most of the answers to questions members ask, lurking behind my BH's eyes when he's having a bad day. I never complained about the weight of those memories because I knew they were even heavier in BH's mind, and I'm the one who put them there. But still, I felt the weight.

A few days after that exchange on BS Questions, I told my BH about it. He held me and said into my hair that it's time to let myself forget. It will be okay if I don't remember details; it's ok to let the OM fade. And I swear I felt the weight lift from me physically, like something had been exorcised.

Since then, a friend on SI mentioned to me that my activity here has been quieter. She wanted to know if anything was wrong. It's not. I just find more and more that it's a relief to not have to keep hitting a mental refresh button on what has become an old story. BH is healing. I'm healing. The OM has no place in the life we've built and rebuilt together.

I also think that I might finally have run out of new things to say. I've written thousands of posts. I've written about emotions, about sex, about living inside the head of a liar. I've approached the experience from every possible angle and made every conceivable plea to fellow waywards to come clean. It's all there for anyone who wants to read my post history. I realized I don't have to keep reliving it; the archive can speak for me.

I'm sure I'll drop in from time to time. Maybe after a break, I'll feel enthusiastic about posting regularly again. But for now, at the SI-predicted milestone of five years, it feels healthy to look forward instead of back.

I am glad BSR responded, she said a lot of what I was going to say.

I also do go to the WW forum first every time I am here. The people are more transient, so there is no real follow through and I personally spend a long time on each post and it's sometimes disheartening that you don't even know if the person read it.

Also, there are WS who come that I can't relate to what they are saying. Their experience is vastly different. I don't think I have any value add for their situation. If I do, I do write a response. I find that I am more interested in a continued engagement with the people who stick around because there is more richness to the exchanges, you get to know them and how they think more, and are closer to their situation. I don't think we are actually responsible for getting WS to come or to stay here, I don't think that's an assignment that could even be expected or fulfilled as we have zero control over that. I am always compassionate when I do respond and I think that's doing my part.

And BSR, I did see your other post and I have to say it is I that learned a ton from you. The way you can call a person out so succinctly shows an intuition and instinct that I have never encountered before or after finding you here. If I helped you to come here, you helped me get a lot better.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:48 AM, Wednesday, September 27th]

The people are more transient, so there is no real follow through and I personally spend a long time on each post and it's sometimes disheartening that you don't even know if the person read it.

I bet there are tons of lurkers who get a lot out of your posts, so they're not wasted.

I also think that I might finally have run out of new things to say. I've written thousands of posts.

That's what happened to me the first go-round many years ago. I had chewed all the flavor out of it and I was ready to spit it out and move forward. Financial infidelity is what brought me back several months ago. Honestly, I think I'm at the cusp of moving on once again. My IC asked me the other day why I'm still posting here. Part of it is that I like to help people, but the biggest part of it is boredom. I'm fundamentally bored, and infidelity and R are topics where I feel like I'm darn near an expert.

I bet there are tons of lurkers who get a lot out of your posts, so they're not wasted. smile

I hadn’t thought about that. But I do respond if I can help most of the time. It’s just an aspect I don’t enjoy that seems to mostly happen to me in this forum.

I bet there are tons of lurkers who get a lot out of your posts, so they're not wasted.

I was one of those lurkers for quite a while. Searching for answers. Trying to get new perspective on that terrible decade of my life post Dday.

For a long while, I would not touch the Wayward Side forum. Until I did. It was here that I found quite a bit of needed perspective and, I dare say, understanding. Much of this came from posters like Hikingout and BraveSirRobin. So, thank you.

I hope you both stay active here.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:33 PM, Thursday, September 28th]

I also do go to the WW forum first every time I am here. The people are more transient, so there is no real follow through and I personally spend a long time on each post and it's sometimes disheartening that you don't even know if the person read it.

I think this is also a huge component. Why would one take 15 minutes to give someone in depth, experience based suggestions/advice, only to have it appear to go largely ignored?

I also believe that when there are only a select few non-transient posters/threads, they tend to almost get "too much" attention and/or advice. This is an interesting dynamic in that when I first started getting involved in relationship sites, I had an unhealthy obsession/compulsion to contribute to threads, without being overly selective. In other words, it was an adrenaline hit as part of my emotions were triggered in a time where I was struggling to contain said emotions. When there are only a few significantly active threads, that obsession/compulsion can manifest itself through increased insistence in trying to get a poster to follow your advice, and/or shouting down other posters who may provide contradictory advice.

I don't know what the solution is. I know there have been many posters on this site (and "that other site" :-D) who were INSTRUMENTAL in recovering my marriage, and it is nice to pay it forward. Unfortunately, there are very few who are accepting deposits.

I have no answers on the quietness that has become the WS side. It is a true shame because most BS's seem to truly value the input from former waywards. Even watching a new Wayward and how they think / operate and hopefully, improve, is somehow useful to those in pain. Of course the real shame is those wayward souls that really could benefit from this place.

I truly, truly appreciate the WS' here. It's super brave of you all to even engage. I got a little sad reading about BSR's pull back but it makes perfect sense. In a weird way it's a sign of hope. She is moving forward as she should. Because she and her marriage are healing.

Three of the people I have loved most in my life have been Waywards.

One is dead.

One doesn’t see her self that way because she wasn’t married, the AP was, and she has told herself stories about the relationship being troubled.

The third is my wife.

Add two bosses to that.

This is the place I would send them, if they wanted my advice.

BSR, HikingOut, DaddyDom, WOES - thank you.

You helped me see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, after D day, I wasn’t sleeping, there was a person in my orbit who was keen on me. This site helped me keep my head on my shoulders. I saw it for what it was and am grateful to this site and myself that I handled it okay. It certainly made reconciliation easier that I had nothing to confess but a little oversharing.

[This message edited by straightup at 9:14 PM, Thursday, September 28th]