SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I keep feeling like maybe there’s hope for us- but then I go back and reread the texts and communications I have from his infidelities that occurred December ‘22 through May 2023 and all the pain comes back. I’m not sure if it’s good to look at these and remember or if I should stop and just focus on one day at a time.

I don’t think one day at a time is a good idea. Accepting the reality of what happened is wise. It sounds like that may be why you are rereading those texts. I wish I could describe the unknotting of my stomach, the unclenching of my jaw, the heaviness that left my heart when I finally ended it once and for all with my terrible addict ex. It’s the most sinister of deception and abuse. I’m so sorry this happened when you were pregnant. I hope you can get out while your child is so young.

I wish you peace and the kind of life you DESERVE.

Thank you so much. I needed to hear that. There is so much grief, mostly for the future my daughter and I were robbed of. I am hoping happier days are ahead for us as we get more and more distance from him.

For those whose husband's used prostitutes..

I'm hoping this makes sense..

Did you see the phone bill online,for the time they were using escorts? Can you tell me what that looked like?

I'm seeing odd things..things that make me think he's either joined an adult dating site,where they exchange pics and videos..or he's contacting escorts..

For example..
Random texts,or pic/video from a number a 6am,and then another from a different number 2 minutes later.

Or,he sends a pic/video to a number, he gets a text in response, and he sends another pic. Sometimes he gets a pic or video in response to the first message,but it's usually a text.

Numbers from out of state,and in our state.

There are also several numbers where "no owner is found," and there's no information at all. I am using two very good search sites.

I've always had access to his phone,but if he deletes everything then clearly I wouldn't have seen anything anyway. All I have is the phone bill. I haven't confronted yet.

HellFire, I just recently went through this, at least the last round of this for me as I have decided to end the cycle and pursue D. Back in May I did a deep dive into his cell phone records and made a spreadsheet to delineate between numbers of known friends, family, and colleagues, and numbers I didn't recognize. At the time, I was using Whitepages to look up the numbers. So many were "no owner" or names I didn't recognize. I knew something was happening but couldn't put the pieces together.

We had a period of false R over the summer but my Spidey sense started tingling again in late August. It wasn't until I saw this one day in early September where there seemed to be dozens of new numbers that he was texting at all hours, with a few phone calls to those same numbers, and then an hour long period where he was MIA with his GPS placing his phone across the street from a known illicit "massage parlor".

I checked Whitepages again but it didn't help. Then I decided to just Google the numbers. That was when my eyes were truly opened. If only I hadn't been such a Pollyanna, thinking formal phone records were my only resource. Each one of those two dozen new numbers, when googled, came up with links to sites like Bedpage - each one of those numbers matched to a sex worker.

It was undeniable. I got trickle truths from him but I'm just done with it, been roughly 16 months since my first DDay and this September was my 4th DDay.

I hope you don't find what I did but if you do, my heart goes out to you.

[This message edited by aliasgrace at 9:49 PM, Saturday, October 7th]

Hellfire, I’m sorry to hear your pain. I just wanted to add that if he’s using an IPhone and you have Cloud storage it auto backs up all messages he sends and receives. I found about 10 years worth. It’s a hard read. Big hugs you’re going to get through this xx

I truly think when they keep adding more "memories" that cause you more pain, they have an undisclosed reason they want to cause you pain. First they stab you with their verbal and emotional behavior, then come at you again and again with more "memories". they truly know what they are doing when twisting of the "betrayal knife"begins again. If his verbal and physical actions come out of the blue, then he is no longer the person you knew in the beginning of your relationship. I believe the way they are now is the real personality they've kept hidden. Their compulsions to cause pain and get gratification by doing so give them untold pleasure we cannot (or want to) understand. We can't let these destructive, arrogant, uncaring psychopaths continue putting us through literal hell. I finally realized this "person" is NOT what I thought he was after 34 years. It's beyond an addiction, but an inbred compulsion that is destructive to any who become involved emotionality with them.

Beverly717, your observation is one I seldom or never have read about on the forums, but one I was forced to come to myself, regarding their sadistic streak. I mean, who does some of these things? It isn't some "random" collision of their selfish or perverted urges impacting our life. To me, it seems they crave both the illicit aspect of their behavior and the power to hurt someone close to them.

I wish counselors would call this what it is.

Hellfire I was able to find info on a place my ex went to by typing in a number and then "escort" in Google and it brought up more info, can’t remember now but like a Craigslist type of ad. Sorry you are here.

Want to keep this thread alive for newbies. Safe to post here and get advice. This March I'm going to be 10! years out. I stayed/have stayed for my own health reasons. I love him but def no longer in love with him. On the outside we look like a good couple together. No one would have a clue that there are so many cracks in our relationship. And actually he thinks all is well. He can put his head in the sand and think I forgot the past. I will never forget. And whenever I have financial worries think of what he spent on his whores.

I would strongly encourage anyone finding out about SAWH having second life just get out. Years later the rage and anger do NOT get better. My SAWH is now a dry drunk. Not engaging and partly because of our remote location we retired to so not easy to access his "drug". But if we were still in city I'd be checking everything monthly, no way to live.

dontsaylovely, thanks for commenting, and I agree that even if the SAWH stops all infidelity, it often seems like they keep a certain shallowness in their ability to connect with you, which may be part of why they could do what they did.

So yes, like you, I have not felt change in my feelings nor in his, even though by now we've spent 22 long years as IHS roomies, which I think is no way to live if marriage is one's goal. I'm so jaded about marriage that I doubt I'd want to enter into any other attempt, as he's my 2nd WH. 😢

You also make a point about geographic safety that I too live with: every aspect of life today seems to have been built upon keeping clear of places and things he knows he can't handle.

Hi All,
I thought we had reconciled 11 years ago after I found out, he had been meeting with prostitutes for about a three-year period. It had been when he was overseas working as a contractor. I think fully found this site and learned a whole bunch about infidelity. It took years to feel like we had reconciled, but I didn’t see him doing the work. Over the past few years, we’ve had some really good periods of time. He knew that pornography was a dealbreaker, and I would occasionally find him using it. We went to lots of different counselors over the years but I don’t know that he was entirely truthful in individual counseling. It seemed like he agreed that he is a sex addict.

A year ago he took a new job where he works alone for several hours a day. The job is kind of chill and so sometimes he doesn’t have a lot to do. We are getting close to retirement and had been making lots of plans of what we wanted to do. We like to go camping and we had just bought some E bikes that we were having fun with. We have a big family and we travel to visit them often. I thought things were going along pretty normally. Then on May 1 I had a terrible bike accident where I broke my leg and arm. The recovery has been really hard and at first I couldn’t walk even. It was really stressful when I came home from the hospital and I could see my husband was having a hard time with working and helping take care of me. Some of our kids noticed it too.

In June I noticed he was treating me really rudely. We had a daughter staying with us to help me and she told him one day to stop being so rude. He walked out of the door and didn’t come back for two weeks. It was so odd, and he started telling me that he had been thinking about getting a divorce. this was news to me and he was bringing up really ridiculous things. This was at a time when I was in a lot of pain and trying to just be able to walk. He did come back and we sort of got through this summer.

He did keep talking about how he was thinking about getting a divorce but then he would also be talking about our retirement plans. We even went on a couple of trips and seem to have a nice time. I started recovering and was able to drive and walk again.

Then, 1 November I walked by our office and I felt like I should look at the computer. I haven’t felt like checking up on him in a long time. I saw his email and there was a bunch of receipts for an only fans account. I was absolutely shocked. I saw some financial things that were out of place too, and I couldn’t understand. I calmly confronted him and told him that he was in deep trouble. He refused to talk to me for a few days. During that time I also started looking at our bank account, which I haven’t for months since my accident. I saw that he had withdrawn 25K from a 401(k) and it had gone in an out of our account. When I confronted him about this, he said he was scammed. He didn’t give many details. Things went downhill very quickly, and I decided to open my own bank accounts and file for a divorce. He went ballistic when he was served and moved out.

When I started doing a deep dive into records, I realized that when he walked out in June, that was exactly the time. When he said he was getting scammed. He started telling me some truth, and it was actually a catfish situation. He thought he was talking to a young woman who is going to help him get rich. I asked if it was sexual conversation and he said not at first. He has been a little bit open about the only fans account and it seems like he was giving people money with that as well. He also has been on dating sites where he has literally giving away thousands of dollars.

In the divorce process, I’ve had to go over all of our accounts, and I have been absolutely shocked at the amount of money he has wasted/spent. He has never done anything like this before. We have been talking in the last month and he has acknowledged that he was out of control and is an addict. He has been remembering some childhood sex abuse that he just became aware of a few years ago. He tells me often that he is sorry and wants to make it right. I know he is doing some things like reading some books and I think he’s reached out to an online support group. I think he is making an appointment with the trauma counselor.

I know this is a huge post, and I appreciate you staying with me on it! I feel like I needed to give some background of where I’m coming from. I feel so conflicted I know filing for divorce was the right thing to do. But it is so hard to give up 37 years of marriage that was mostly good. I am I am experiencing all the feels right now, anger, devastation, shock, sadness, and also compassion for him. I’m going to make another post about a question I want to pose to the group.

One thing that I found really odd about my WH’s only fans account is the user name. It’s a stupid, silly name and I was shocked that he would create that. It was also insulting to me that he used a profile picture from a trip with me. Creating and using the only fans account, of course, is the major problem, but those two things really bug me.

As I’ve been thinking about his addiction, I have this idea that I wanted to ask you guys about. It feels to me that he has created this persona with a silly user name, and it’s a guy who has no responsibilities, isn’t married, and wasn’t abused as a child. I cannot believe the amount of money he spent on online dating sites chitchatting with what he thought were real people. I tried to ask him what he got out of that, and he didn’t really have an answer. When I told him about my theory about having this persona it resonated with him. My WH also spent many years in the Middle East as a contractor and some active duty time. He’s a retired military guy. He wasn’t in active combat, but he did have some scary things happen. I think he may have PTSD as well. I know he lives with a lot of guilt from the bad choices he has made. I think this persona thing is a way to disassociate from all that?

The whole thing is so out of character for him. Falling for a stupid catfish, creating a silly profile and chitchatting with a bunch of different "women". At the same time all of this is going on him, and I are talking about retiring, visiting our kids and grandkids, and doing normal things.

Does anyone have any thoughts about this?

PinkJeepLady, How sad!

On your theory about the false persona, on a psychological basis it could well be a form of dissociating from his self-hatred. Spiritually I can't help wondering about something even more evil. But regardless of his reasons for his crazy behavior, he has robbed you. All criminal behavior has its reasons in their sick minds, but justice isn't served until restitution is made.

I actually know a woman whose SAWH was deployed to the mid-east a while back. When she discovered his prostition activities, she filed for divorce, but then discovered there was a second mortgage on their home which she knew nothing about!!! I wonder how that could even have happened if they were joint owners. But it's worth a trip to the courthouse to double-check this. I did that, the day after I heard that had happened to her. Just because legal process is supposed to include both parties, doesn't mean some unscrupulous lender didn't violate the rights of the wife. I also wondered if it had anything to do with a power of attorney she may have signed before he was deployed, but it seemed that would benefit her, not him behind her back.

I'm also very sorry to read about your bike accident, and picturing you struggling to recover from that real trauma while he was acting out even worse, being ugly to you. It seems they always do us this way, we can never be vulnerable to them, please understand that one big truth as you go forward!

Yeah, I don’t think there’s any more financial fraud in what I know about. I am not a therapist, but I do think that it’s some kind of disassociation for sure.

He seems genuinely sorry, which is fine. I also agree with you spiritually, something very evil was going on. One of our friends said it’s like he gave the reigns of his life over to an evil force. During that time he had a very dark aura around him. That seems to be gone now, and he seems to be more himself.

That’s why it’s really hard for me. I see the core person he is, a good guy in many ways. It’s confusing because it almost feels like a stranger came in and took over and did all these terrible things. But I know it was him doing it.

[This message edited by PinkJeepLady at 2:52 PM, Monday, February 5th]

I found out about his first betrayal in 2009-he had sex with a stranger in a public place . We had young children and I was pregnant again (what kind of asshole cheats on his wife while she's pregnant?!?!?). That time he started seeing a CSAT and going to meetings. That lasted about a year. Fast forward to 2024-he did it again....and again. So, 3 over our 20 year marriage...and I'm sure there is more. So, IMHO I believe being married to a SA means always looking over your shoulder. It also means that they, again, IMHO, are either in treatment/meetings are they are acting out-there is no in between. And I probably shouldn't have stayed whether he went to meetings or not-but DEFINITELY should not have stayed once he stopped going to meetings.

IDeservedBetter, I saw your post over in another forum and was sad to see your story. I can tell you my late sister's XSAWH did her the same way while she was carrying their children. Seems to be a common experience, I guess because the self-centered little boys who become SAs feel entitled to gratification so they don't like it when their wife is physically inconvenienced by her pregnancy. In other words, they lack the maturity to be fathers.

Both of my brothers complained to me at different times about their wives being temporarily indisposed to sex as often as they might have liked, and both of them ended up divorced. I think their pubescent-fixated attitudes and general disrespect for women was the reason both wives dumped them.

Years later, we had a friend from church who complained one time about having to sleep on the sofa during his wife's last trimester and I thought "where have I heard this whine, before?" I was not surprised when a few years later we found out he had been cheating on her with his pretty girl employees. His business failed, and they moved away. She was a stunning beauty, by the way, with an angelic face, a willowy nordic blonde, looked like Tiger Woods' XW. One day I saw her crushed look as she sat hunched over in a church pew, and I instantly knew...found out much later what had actually happened. His decision to betray her was not about her!

I just did a review since I was last here - So much hurt, and so much good stuff!

I am in one of those life-takes-over phases. So time here is limitted.

Yes. I still have my IC. I am on a "maintenance schedule and call if you need me" basis. Mr Uxor has his, a CSAT, and is working a program specific to his fixations and struggles weekly.

The key was we both now see counselors who are CSAT’s and backgrounds in addiction therapy in general. That means they call us both out on our own crap. Am I enabling, being sucked back into his unhealthy cycles, reactive, neglecting my own self-rebuilding?...

For him, what layers have they gone to and is he accountable (no longer in active illicit use or infidelities)? Is he dancing on the edge in his own way of platforming his life where he might say "ooops! How did that land in front of me?! I can’t help if illicit materials are spammed, sent or demonstrated by others around me!"? And somehow it is just purely coincidence it happens right when he has so much stress. Is he self medicating with SA or is he using good coping skills?

Point being, progress only happens when we let people who know BS, call us out on our own BS. And both of our counselors do.

And then we have to work our own hard work to get better.

Supresse, this last statement you made is paramount:

"His decision to betray her was not about her!"

Nailed it. No matter who that man would have married, the same crap would have happened. Because addiction, disfunction and affairs are always about filling a painful emptiness with THE WRONG THING, and making even more damage.

Our job is to make sure we are not getting sick with our spouse or even our xspouse. And if we are, how to get better. I think betrayal makes most of us sick too.

I have my daily codes/acronyms/mantras.

CCC:

I did not create this in him. I cannot change it in him. I cannot cure it in him. I can only change, cure and maybe control myself.

I remind myself what I have to do to heal and actually stickynote my stuff to keep regaining my mental health and maintain it.

Know what no one prepared me for?

1. That when I do the healthy things, I often STILL FEEL LIKE CRAP that I even have to do them in the first place. I also should not have to protect and defend a healthy boundary.

It feels crappy because it is a constant reminder that my world, my dreams and my love and efforts were steamrolled.

It takes a lot of self-work to remind myself that I will like my life even less if I don’t maintain my own well-being. (And it doesn’t matter if he and I are together, connected, in home separated, separated fully, divorced or widowed. This is about my well-being no matter the marital outcome.). Still, I seek to not be isolated by that pain at places like here, because healing steps also hurt.

No one told me that was coming.

2. No one told me that we would be surrounded by entities who wants Mr Uxor to remain in his seeking-worldly-approval SA, and it would bring attackers at me when they didn’t get what they want out of him.

I thought most groups, counselors and close friends would see through his BS and narcissistic public performances. Maybe back me in doing my healthy rebuilding of myself, and only accepting that from him in return. Nope. He is really really good at getting them to minimize his addictions and they are really good at minimizing me.

And they see his neglect and minimization of what I have survived and what I am doing to heal, is because I am not enough.

No one told me when we sought out help, I would be the target if I am in the way, when it is to someone else’s advantage if Mr Uxor is not spending his time, focus and energy on healing himself. They are the attention seekers of him, and they are a part of his SA cycles, even without explicitness.

3. That if we are not both working just as hard, the burden of healing both of us, will again fall on me. Which is impossible. And he will fake that he is doing his healing-work. And the enablers will believe him. And that will give him the false approval he craves. And it will cycle all over again.

4. When this happens, I distance and emotionally detach so I can take care of me. Mr Uxor WILL declare abandonment. I can’t help that.

His current IC calls him out. That he already abandoned us. Not me. He gave me no choice but to go into protection mode again by depending on the approval of others and diminishing me.

The past IC and MC saw this as me being punishing and revengeful. Because he was in so much pain. That I am not enough. And my safety and stability matter less than his.

But I am enough. So are you.

So…If Mr Uxor and I ever divorced, I would stay with my IC. I will never go to someone who is not a CSAT again. They get it.

We are enough. And if we are doing healthy healing work, we are getting better. And it hurts. And it is hard. And the enmeshed addicts and enablers are gonna hate us when we are getting better. Especially if they see us as in the way of access to our spouse/xspouse.

Now you know too

WOW! Powerful insights and much needed by me. I too see this dynamic in our immediate circles, and it has made me not like myself sometimes when I find I'm always repeating my stated boundaries to him because, you know this well I'm sure, to him, every day is a new day, and every new situation is exempt from carrying over past lessons and my requests about how to handle those kinds of situations going forward. Maddening and I find myself hating my attitude.

But you know, I think it's partly a phenomenon of our culture. It really is hard for us to tease apart people's disrespect for a marriage from antiquated role-playing that so many people expect of wives. I just went through this a couple times this last few days. I often think if he hadn't gutted the actual marriage, I'd most likely have knuckled under to the expected and perennial second-place, subservient existence he expects of me along with EVERYBODY ELSE except a very few female friends (older than I and single).

Just today he threw something at me that showed me he doesn't get it. But not to bother going in to their puffed-up excuses for being "better" than us.

[This message edited by Superesse at 12:28 AM, Wednesday, March 20th]

@Superesse

I can only be on for a bit. Just know (as everyone on here should) you are not alone.

I do understand that each day can mean all healing efforts and progress are at risk of forgotten by a SA spouse. It is so exhausting and defeating!

To Mr Uxor’s credit, he is working a hard program. It does take pressure off of me and puts his feet to the fire on his own healing. His IC said the blame the betrayed spouse for not doing healing work is very outdated and old school. We are both responsible for our own work. And if Mr Uxor, lies, omits or covertly manipulates, I am not responsible for not mind-reading or assuming all things are a deception.

So are what I call his memory boxes. He finally has an IC who keeps him responsible for his magic mind of omission. Not. Me.

Yes, I call them his mind boxes.

We all know there is the empty box (just thinking literally…nothing. I hear men can actually do this. I truly have so much envy!).

There is also a healing box. (Calm, contemplating, wanting a healthy life and relationships. Planning healthy boundaries and good self talk.)

But Mr Uxor also has these sheerly-impossible-to-interact with boxes, often triggered by any number of painful events from his FOO and past.

And they do not respond to healing or healthy me. They feel threatened by the best version of me. I am not soothing and distracting from that pain of his past like instant gratification brain-grabbing distractions are. Sex being one of them. And THAT is the endorphin fix every form of addiction knows.

I can’t compete with them.

Nor can I always see the signals those brain boxes are opening and the healthy hard work ones he has opened are closing and locking up in some distorted protection mode.

And it has a profound effect on his perception and even memory.

I have even tried a phrase to yank him out of it. Like saying “See me! Shiny happy floating wife face bubble! Here to love you! Not hurt you!” Hoping a laugh or a reminder of who we have established I actually am vs past female family members who hurt him.

The fear is too great. He can’t open up those protective boxes that easily. Knowing does not change “feeling fear” for him.

Lol. A few weeks ago he said, "Remember when we saw that jackrabbit on the road?" He swore we had a conversation we did not. Turns out it was a male work associate. They had just left a high stress work situation. That is how easily stress can distort memory. That day he was not on attack to me, no dangerous female triggers. But some boxes were definitely closing and opening the wrong way.

Boxes. Distorted perception. You are experiencing something like that.

But, it was enabled and worsened with outdated MC approaches.

So, if he had told our past MC that he remembered something differently than me, she believed him! I would give proof
that his perception was a red flag. She decided this was me attacking him and leaving him with no choice but to attack back.

He needed serious help. She made it worse.

I know now, this is who I am married to, and I accept that.
(I came back to edit.)

This is why I will never work on our marriage without a CSAT again.

It leaves both Mr Uxor and I in untrained and dangerous hands. Intentional or not.

Why am I still married to him? Because he is willing to get real help.

Opening and closing mind-boxes and all.

[This message edited by Uxoragain at 7:33 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

I posted to "Long Term Affairs" a while ago. Probably should have put it here, although it all applies!

To the other "long timers" here, your grace and wisdom never cease to inspire.

My best,

Twenty