SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OP, I’m very sorry you find yourself here but we have all been through what you are going through, some recent, some long in the past, but we all can relate to you.

Your WW is only admitting to what you can prove. The professions of love from him to her, the amount of time and availability to be intimate all point to a physical affair.

My WW was the same as yours and so many others. Doesn’t remember details, wasn’t physical at all, BS in my opinion.

She is protecting him, gaslighting you (ruining his children’s lives!?!) and is in control. She has warned him and he has probably come up with some excuse for his wife if/when you find him and inform his wife. You do have his "love letter" which he will have a hard time weaselling his way out of.

I would recommend getting hard with her. Full timeline, his full name, contact info, full truth, or you file for D. You do need to follow through. She needs to feel the consequences hit her in the face.

There is a lot more to her story than you know. I’ve been here 7-8 years and there is always more to the story, always.

Friend, I am so very sorry for the intense pain and anguish you are experiencing. Its excruciating, I know. There is nothing like being hurt like this by the one person youve let into your heart, the one person youve trusted with your very being. One BH said that its like being stabbed in the back, through the heart with a poisoned blade...I concur.

Youve received tremendous tactical advice here on steps you can take to get more clarity as to the truth of what happened, if thats what you still desire. The fact that your WW is protecting the ID of the her AP, is a clear sign she is nowhere near true remorse IMO. You are wise not to believe her.

I cant tell you what to do, but I will share a bit of my story. Like you, I was betrayed when our children were young. My wife was beautiful and fit. We were both working, albeit I worked many more hours per week than she did. She betrayed me with my then best friend. The pain was the worse thing Id ever experienced in my life, and Id experienced a lot if emotional pain during my fractured upbringing.

To make a long story short, I chased a dead/dying dream for ten miserable years. Oh, I told myself many things like, "Itll get better sometime" (never did), "The pain will fade" (It did some, but not enough), "I need to do this for my kids" (they were negatively impacted by the tension between us for years), and other things to try and justify in my mind all of my failing efforts. Much of what I did was to rugsweep, but as you now know, I couldnt rugsweep the worse trauma I had ever experienced. The pair-bond was severed, I just didnt want to accept it. I never saw her the same again. What had made her special to me was gone and never returned. She was an acquaintance that I lived with and happened to know a lot about.

I lived with deep regret for years that I did not break it off and divorce that first year. I think I did a huge disservice to both of us by not doing so. Had I moved to D, I believe I would have been able to heal much sooner and then build a new life with someone else worthy of my love and trust. No garuntees, I understand, but if I were to be hurt again, at least it would be by someone who had not hurt me before.

I am now remarried and have been happily so for over 2 decades. She too is a survivor of a brutal betrayal. Weve built a wonderful life together.

Listen, I am not saying that R is not possible. My story is not universal in its application by any means but if there is anything helpful or instructive to you, it will have been worth recounting.

Strength and clarity to you sir.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:05 PM, Tuesday, January 3rd]

A surgeon isn’t effective without an effective diagnosis. If your marriage is a body and this affair is a tumor, you can’t extract it because you don’t know what kind it is, what phase it’s in, how long it’s been growing, and whether it’s local or metastasized.

That’s why you need to play detective right now.

I think you should stay at your friend’s house for a week or 2 to clear your head… and while you’re there, hire that PI and put a VAR at home and in your car. There’s a very good chance that once she thinks you’re not looking over her shoulder, can speak freely, and has the liberty to come and go as she pleases, she will see him and be in contact with him.

The other alternative (to use the tumor analogy again) is to decide that what you know is bad enough and that the marriage is as good as dead.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:44 PM, Saturday, December 31st]

My dday was 2006 and I'm still dying inside. Some folks just arent cut out for infidelity, and its perfectly ok to feel that way. Had I not had a disabled child to contend with, I would have been gone. Don't EVER feel bad if your choice is to take out the trash. JMHO..YMMV

So so sorry for what you are going through, it's the worst thing - I think it's worse than death.

First of all, don't ever take the blame for this. The decision to cheat is totally on the cheater. There are many ways to solve problems in a marriage and it always starts with talking. When you realize you are attracted to someone outside your marriage, you have to grab hold of yourself and say STOP. I've had this happen, maybe most of us have at some point, where you meet someone and you just click, but you realize, hey....I'm a little too attracted to this person, and you back off. That's what YOU would do and it's what your wife did not. This makes the difference between you and her and her and a faithful person. This is HER fault, not yours no matter what problems you had.

You're gonna get tons of good advice on this site. I've been checking it out and I'm very impressed with the quality of people here, their advice and experience. Keep coming back for support and advice. I can see there's a lot of love here.

"I knew something was up when she got a boob job 8 months ago, then started buying tons of smaller and smaller work out attire, got in super good shape...then what finally set me off was when she would wear make up to work out."

This was a big ole red flag, you know that....and it makes me think she was actively looking for someone for some time. This doesn't seem to be an accidental thing where she just bumped into Romeo. She was looking. Again, NOT YOUR FAULT.

There's tons of good advice here on what to do but I would say separation for a while is probably the best thing you can do right now. That and talking to a good lawyer about your options. Whether you want to divorce or not, I think she might leave on her own anyway. Don't be surprised by anything she does. The woman you're married to now, is not the woman you thought you married. Maybe she's changed or maybe this is part of her you never saw before, but be prepared for her to do or say anything and possibly to try to hurt you. You just don't know with people in this state of mind - it's like an insanity - and when they've decided they want to cheat or change their life entirely, they can be quite ruthless and cruel. Be prepared.

A separation right now is a great thing to help you to clear your head and lower the emotional temperature. It's good not to be around her for a while, she'll only lie and gaslight you anyway. Whatever you do - don't beg or plead or cry....it will seem like weakness to her and she will not respect you and she'll use it against you.

I don't know too much else what to say beyond what you will read here,but I just want to emphasize, this is not your fault - it is totally on her, it was not only her decision but a whole string of decisions, each one wrapped up in bigger lies than the prior. You have to take the best care of yourself and don't worry about how she makes out. You and the kids are the only ones that matter.

OP....I guess I have to ask you the same question I'd ask anybody in this position (including me):

Do you really want this person back? This lying, cheating person who seems to have deliberately sought out another relationship and worked to better herself for THAT man? Do you really want THIS person back? I know you'd like your wife back....but is THIS your wife? Why would you want her back? Think about that, try to be rational and enumerate it. Don't just say "I love her" because what does that mean? WHY do you love her? Did you love the person she used to be? Why? Who is she now? Do you love THIS person? Because this is what she is now. No matter what happens, you will always know that THIS is the person she can be - the one who ran after a gym rat.

That's why a separation can be good (and someone wrote to be careful about this and they're right) - work out a separation with your lawyer for a period of time so it won't look like you are abandoning the family or the house - but you need to time to figure out if you actually WOULD WANT THIS WOMAN BACK. Don't go on autopilot and just say yes based on how she used to be, or what you think you should do. Don't even say yes because she's your children's mom. Figure out IF YOU REALLY WANT HER BACK AS SHE IS. Because this IS what she is now and you'll always remember this in the future.

The more objectively you can view this situation the better. And again....never plead, beg, cry or bargain to get her back. She should have to convince YOU at some point.

OP, I see that she's telling you that she has not had sex with him and I don't believe that. I don't think you do either. It's not like they writing to each other online from foreign countries. They're going to the same gym, she got a boob job and skimpy outfits and they're exchanging sentiments. Of course she's had sex with him. She's trying to keep both of you until she decides which one she wants more. I think a PI is a good idea if you want definite info and evidence, maybe follow your wife around. I do think a separation is a good idea but go for your lawyer's advice - as others have said perhaps it could work against you.

Your wife has turned into a snake - and like I asked before.....is this what you really want back? If you had NO KIDS....would you want this woman back? I wouldn't. You can do better.

Normaly finding the other woman is imperative, so she knows the truth of her life, to give her agency.

In your case you are going to learn so much, like how upset your wife gets, how she treats you and that she is still in contact with AP!

She has hurt you to the core and has decided to protect the AP. Damn the hurt just keeps coming.

Steel yourself this isn't ending well.

Respectfully,
Organic

Sorry for the shit show you find yourself in.
You have stated a few times that she is lying about stuff so yep get tested for STDs as well as STIs as some can be transmitted is saliva. If the net and fell in love they kissed. And as that is a physical thing then it could be construed as a physical affair. That is up to you to determine not your cheating wife. Remember cheaters lie to control the fallout of their actions. If you want to R then she will need a STD and STI checks as well.
Well done getting legal advice. That person is advising you in relation to the legal aspects. Take heed of the advice.
It may be advisable to shine a light on her affair. You need to do this so to control what she tells friends and family specifically if you D.
Is she still working at the Gym? Find the OBS and give her the information not just the letter. You don’t need your WW permit for this. Be there for the children and start the 189 so to get a clear head. Seek counseling for yourself.
One day at a time.

Hey lifestinks, how are you doing?

well, first of all, recognize they always say the 'marriage wasn't great' in order to gaslight you into forgiving them for an affair. The problem is not on you, it's on her for her cheating.

Secondly, even if the marriage 'was not that great' what did she do to fix it ?

Cheating is bever the solution.

Her defending his marriage over yours is very telling.

You need to find the truth so you can know what you are going forward with in forgiving or not. The 2 cheaters deserve no quarter.

What consequences have they faced ?

The truth will lead you to the light. It will lead you to make an informed decision on what you need or want to do.

Your wife is gaslighting you. Even if not in the affair anymore, you still need to know the truth.

Looking forward to an update.

BTW, unless they were on heavy drugs, they all know the details. They are protecting themselves.

It is sad that after crossing the line, her empathy is not with you. Please consider this in the equation.

YOu did not deserve this sir

Did you take any screen shots of their texting to each other? And pics would help in finding this AP joker. AP's cell number is also a big help in find this turd. Did you expose your ww's cheating to friends and family? Good luck and I hope you are doing well..