SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are going to have to deal with what your mother did, either externally or internally. Children like to think that they can trust their parents 100%. We don’t lose that even as adults and this has been a big blow to you.
I wish you luck in managing this and getting on with your life.

She lost all access to my family. I asked if her progressive leftie Christian bit was worth losing access to your son and grandchildren for the rest of her life. Which sounds harsh, but I received no response so it must have been worth it to be the martyr for someone like my wife.

I haven't talked to my wife since the day I found out

40kSpaceMarine

Anger can have it’s purpose and it can be good to use anger to keep momentum to get to where you want to be.
However… deciding your path and how to reach your destination based on anger and/or having anger-based emotions like revenge as your destination will never get you to a positive place.

I can understand that learning about your wife’s affair is a game-ender for the marriage. For some it is – for others it isn’t. For you it is, and that’s totally fine.

However – be realistic.
1)You can’t claim you are divorcing and act like you are divorcing and then not divorce.
2)Divorce is a two-part process: It’s the emotional detachment and it’s the "practical" and "business" process of separating rights, debts and assets.
The first part is reached mainly through detachment. Arguing with your wife on marital issues is like phoning an employee you already fired to argue about him sleeping in.
The second part is MAINLY dealt with using laws and processes for your state. Those laws might factor in infidelity, but 15 years ago… I doubt it. But you have relatively little say on if she get’s half the house or part of your pension or whatever. Doesn’t matter what YOU want – what matters is what the law says.
3)She divorces YOU. The marriage is over. Her family – her kids, grandkids, the friends, heck… even YOUR family – can all decide if they want to interact with her or not.
4)Since you mention religion – Divorce (the process) is a civil issue and the law is above religion per se. Like a Catholic can legally divorce although the church might not recognize it.

This forum is about real, adult issues so often it requires difficult questions:
Friend – what is your mental state?
Not suggesting insanity or anything like that, but your posts… well… anger. A LOT of anger.
And disjoined… Do you drink?
Infidelity is trauma, and trauma can really f@ck you up mentally. We get that. We understand.

FRIEND – I’m not minimizing or questioning you. It’s just that if I’m on to something then the best advice right now would be to calm down and focus. To be in a condition to make and take rational decisions rather than anger-reactions.

Just want to echo that we are rooting for you. And I should add the most basic advice given here, drink LOTS of water. Stay hydrated. Sounds funny, but it works.

I have to agree with Bigger here 40k.

I'm not sure if you are posting to multiple forums and copy pasting or what, but some of your responses make sense in context and other seem to just be missing information that you think we all have.

You are on the ground and obviously have much more info than we do.

I'm rooting for you too, and wanting divorce more than just "fine". It's a great default answer, and it seems like it's the right answer for you. If it seems like anyone is pushing you to R, I don't think we mean to. We just also support a lot of people that do choose R around here. So we support everyone that is impacted by betrayal.

"Seek honour as you act, and you will know no fear."

Oh I just ramble lol

I can understand that learning about your wife’s affair is a game-ender for the marriage. For some it is – for others it isn’t. For you it is, and that’s totally fine.

I didn't choose to end the marriage though, she did.

This forum is about real, adult issues so often it requires difficult questions:

Friend – what is your mental state?

Not suggesting insanity or anything like that, but your posts… well… anger. A LOT of anger.

And disjoined… Do you drink?

Infidelity is trauma, and trauma can really f@ck you up mentally. We get that. We understand.

I just ramble mostly when I'm upset I just write on here.

Divorce (the process) is a civil issue and the law is above religion per se.

Don't remind me!

[This message edited by 40kSpaceMarine at 7:59 AM, Saturday, June 3rd]

I messed up the quotes oops

Sorry I can't reply more it's exhausting

The problem is that I didn't end the marriage, she did, I remained married on false pretenses. Yeah she did become a better person after therapy, minus the ya know, lying and keeping me hostage bit. Also she became a better person after therapy, which is fake as hell, if you need therapy to tell you how to act with decency or empathy or anything else you might just be an idiot who isn't worth anything at all to anybody. I mean I just can't understand it. Do you need someone to teach you to breathe too?

I'm not really articulating this well, but my point is my wife is fake, even though her improvements are real. Really goes to show how shitty my wife must have been if a woman who's only purpose in her life is to bang dudes and burn forever gave her advice on how to be a better person.

SM, you are dealing with despair the only way you can, with anger. Despair can eat you alive but you can control anger.
The best advice I can give you came from my teenage daughter. I never saw her angry. I never saw her miserable. She is a runner and she said she got all her aggression out on the track. Get outside. Run, garden, walk, play pickle ball, but move. Keep moving. That anger has to go somewhere so you need to choose where.

It's ok to be angry with your wife, and your mother,when they've betrayed you so terribly. It's normal.

Anger seeks justice for a grave injustice done to you.

Controlled anger is good because it propels you forward. It will help move you to your purpose, whether that is to divorce or do something different.

You will notice I said Controlled Anger. Controlled anger is what led to the civil rights movement in the 60s, and other grave injustices done to a person or persons.

However, Uncontrolled Anger is destructive when it morphs into rage.

So, hold onto your anger, but please keep it under control.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 3:40 PM, Saturday, June 3rd]

What sucks to is the cheater will always be okay in the end. No matter if they stay together or they divorce. While the good spouse is in pain. Take every wayward past present and future, remorseful or not and their pain combined is about 0.1% of a good spouse.

I thought about making another post about this but I'll just post it here so I don't get harassed by cheaters

How was your M prior to her A?

How has your M been in the intervening 15 years since she had her A?

Inquiring just to give us some context. D is completely justified in the wake of an A.

The only advice I’ll offer is that it can sometimes be of benefit to wait six months post D day to decide on your definitive course of action. This will allow any extremes in emotions, both positive and negative, to regulate and subside, allowing for the optimal decision possible.

In the meantime, you could proceed with all the the preliminary steps towards D.

Everything that you have said and ranted in your posts about the injustice of it all are exactly what have been messing with my mind lately. I don't have an advice, as I'm also very lost myself, but know that you are not alone in this forum.

Cheating spouse, and former cheaters,are not allowed to post in this forum.

Has she moved out of the house?

Have you talked up a lawyer yet?

FYI, her affair didn’t end 15 years ago. It ended just a few days ago when you found out and her cheating, lies, betrayal, and deception css aaa me yo light.

You’ve already gone through the most difficult part of the process, deciding to divorce the cheater. Yes there will be bad days ahead, but those days become less and less frequent, and less intense as the days, weeks, months go by. But things will get much better.

Continue to be strong.
Do what is right FOR YOU!!!
Refuse to allow anyone to disrespect you.
And do what you must to always be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye every morning.

Just read a thread about how cheating moms treat their kids. I need to get out of this ASAP. Gonna ask her to leave instead of just sleeping in a different room. Don't think it's safe having her here

I would urge caution in trying to force your WW out of the home. Please seek legal advice before trying to kick her out, or it could work against you in the D. Your WW has a legal right to stay in the home as do you. If you have evidence that she is an immediate threat to cause harm to your children or to you, give this information to your attorney. Otherwise, without such evidence she has a right to stay. Be smart. Take reasonable actions moving forward to get out of infidelity. Acting hastily or in anger can backfire. Good luck.

Check this out in YouTube. It may help you to channel your anger properly
Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma - The difference between Genuine Love and Attachment