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And the anxiety just keeps getting worse. Stxwh was arrested/released for the rest of the charges. As much as I know it all had to happen, I'm scared shitless of what he might do.

I can't even leave the house now because I'm afraid of running into him and while at home I'm watching the road.

This is awful.

Is there anything that would help you feel a little safer? I know there isn't a whole lot you can do.

Can you keep a can of bee spray with you in the house? I assume you can't have bear spray since you can't have pepper spray?

Is there a possibility he will serve jail time?

It's not just feeling safe at the house. It's being anywhere.

Kids and I went to do laundry and all I could think about was scanning the vehicles for his. It's a constant fear.

I can only imagine how angry he is now. His no contact conditions have been extended to include dd.

I have wasp spray.

I dont know if he could go to jail. Kinda hope not because how would he then pay child support? It's selfish to only think of money but having gone months struggling like we have, I can't help it.

Since he finally filed his taxes I could see on my CRA account that i should get benefits soon. Just not soon enough. I don't know what we will do this week. Luckily the older kids are going camping for the weekend so they get a few days off break.

I had plans for the twins and I but I'm almost out of gas so there's no trips even to town now.

I'm really sick of struggling and living in fear.

This is going to be another sleepless night.

Finally got comfortable on the sofa and there's a massive bang on the deck just outside of the sliding glass doors the what sounds like running across the deck.

Jump up grab my light but there's nothing to see. Even the dog started barking.

I've done a check of the house, made sure all the doors are locked and jammed shut so they can't open.

I think I'll block off the back stairs to that deck since we don't use it.

In the mean time solitaire here I come.

I hope things settle down and you can get to where this is a business transaction soon. And hope it was just a deer or something on your deck.

I'm so sorry, Dragn, that's no way to live in fear.

I hope your WH understands that any further action by him WILL land him in jail.

I got a bit of sleep after 6am.

I've walked around the house and checked the deck. Still not sure what made all the noise. I'm going to move one of the trail cameras to this side of the house today.

I dont know what to think of wh anymore. I'd like to believe he wouldn't want to risk jail time but I also know how angry he gets.

How are you today Dragn? How are the kids?

The twins and I are tired. Stayed up until 2am watching the meteor shower. Saw some really big, bright ones. The twins really enjoyed that.

I didn't think we would be able to see anything since it stormed all day but it cleared up enough after midnight.

I've checked the trail cameras a few times now. Just loaded the images from yesterday/last night. Nothing interesting. Sad that this is my life. Wakeup and think I need to check the cameras.

I'm a bit stressed about this coming week. I have a mandatory court information session, still need to get some groceries and thr van doesn't run well in the rain (typical dodge!) and rain is forecast until Wednesday.

So I'm not sure if I should put this here but seeing as it's about PTSD/anxiety emotional stuff, etc it sorta belongs I think.

Ds and dd went for a 3 day camping trip, getting back yesterday evening. They had a blast. Really enjoyed themselves. Ds especially.

They are going again this coming weekend. Ds is really looking forward to it.

So today he gets on his game. Yes that game. Players aren't cooperating, things aren't going well, he's getting more and more upset. When I tell him that it's time he takes a break he totally loses it.

But in his screaming/crying he starts going on that they (other players) all have good fathers and real families.

That's when I knew his out burst wasn't about the game.

I was angry at first with all his screaming snd cursing but the moment he mentioned father/family all the anger left and I knew I had to just hug him. I tell him let's go talk.

So he turns everything off and we go sit together on the deck and he cries and tells me that it's not fair that the other kids all have decent good dads and his dad is a jerk. I comfort him and listen and say that maybe all of this will make his dad see that he needs to be better. Ds says his dad will never do that. He really doesn't think he dad can be anything other than a disappointment. DS talks. He cries. He eventually calms down enough and we all come in to watch Shazam 2.

It's like he pushed all his feelings aside for the weekend then when he got home just let it all out.

This is exhausting! I need to discuss with his IC how he can let out his feelings without getting so angry and honestly scary.

Dragn, the best thing you can do is listen. Do NOT offer excuses or say maybe ex will be better or dad loves you. Kids are extremely intuitive when it comes to knowing if someone is good or bad. Just mainly let your kids get out their anger, hurt and frustration out. Remember, your ex has abandoned not just you, but them, too. This is new territory for ALL of you.
BTW, any news on charges or what's happening legally? We're rooting for you and the kids.

I wanted to comfort him but saying anything about dad just makes it worse. I'll just be a sounding board for them and keep my mouth shut lol

BTW, any news on charges or what's happening legally? We're rooting for you and the kids.

I'm unable to speak about it any longer. So damn unfair that I can't get the support I need from people I consider family but it is what it is for now.

I'll update when I'm able. Until then I'll ask please just keep praying if you pray, send mojo and root as hard for us as you can.

Sometimes, people (including kids) just want somebody to listen. Basically, it's a venting session and it can help to process the emotions.

Hang in there. Eventually, your DS will realize that not everybody has the perfect dad. FWIW, my DSs don't really want to have contact with their dad because he's such a jerk.

@DragnHeart - how's the anxiety these days? Have you found any tools that are working for you?

I've been a mess actually.

Wh once again came to the house. Didnt pass the gate so cops can't do anything. But it really bothers me.

I'm not sleeping. I'm eating and still losing weight. I've got so much going on that it's just overwhelming.

I havent found anything to help ease my mind at all. The kids think it's funny that I'm forgetting that I told them something already.

I think they are comforting me more than I am them at times.

I dont know what's changed but I've been alot better lately.

I can go out and not feel anxious or panicked. At least not to the degree I had been.

Things are still crazy here. School started and couldn't even get through the first week without an injury. Nothing serious but still, just why...

Also a mess with the bus being switched. Fun fun.

I did start with a new IC who is amazing.

I'm still not sleeping well. That's the biggest thing I need to work on right now.

I asked my doctor for meds to help me sleep. I took my anti-anxiety meds at night to help me sleep. The did help with sleep, but not so much with the nightmares....those took time & healing.

I found a guided meditation by Lina Grace on YouTube that helps me get to sleep and I have it on repeat. You can experiment to find ones that work for you. Melatonin makes me drag the next day, but I can take generic Benadryl when I'm having a really tough time and need an extra boost to nod off. I also found meditation beneficial because it helped me to center my breathing and focus my thoughts. FWIW, I used to think it was a bunch of malarky but now realize what I thought was meditation is something else. Guess I'm older and wiser.

Start of school is always such a hectic time. I hope the injured party recovers soon.

I'm so glad your new IC seems to be a good fit. That is half the battle.