SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Don’t it always seem to that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone?

That about sums it up.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 3:26 AM, Saturday, December 23rd]

I will never be able to understand this whole situation, I haven't changed, I'm still boring, stubborn, unyielding and will never be able to tolerate foolishness, why so much effort on her part?

My boss and his XW were mismatched and had an 28y unhappy marriage. She initiated divorce thinking that she’d be able to find a happier relationship with someone else. She dated for about a year then came to the conclusion that she had made a mistake. She approached Boss about reconciling. Unfortunately for her, Boss had found his perfect match in the meantime and was head over heels in love.

XW didn’t like him much when she was married, but she liked her lifestyle. She liked being someone’s wife. She liked the security of it. She didn’t like being excluded from his family’s celebrations.

My guess is that your XW is experiencing something similar.

I’m glad you’re going. I hope it turns out to be a lovely evening with minimal drama.

And sometimes in life you do incredibly stupid things. You realize later how badly you screwed up, and you try desperately to go back to the way things were. That doesn't always work. I feel your ex may be learning this very hard lesson.

XW didn’t like him much when she was married, but she liked her lifestyle. She liked being someone’s wife. She liked the security of it. She didn’t like being excluded from his family’s celebrations

I suspect there is more truth in that sentence than large portions of the manifesto. Goes to show how naive I was....

And sometimes in life you do incredibly stupid things. You realize later how badly you screwed up, and you try desperately to go back to the way things were. That doesn't always work. I feel your ex may be learning this very hard lesson.

Don’t it always seem to that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone?

Amusingly these were in manifesto in some way or another.

I’m glad you’re going. I hope it turns out to be a lovely evening with minimal drama.

I shall survive it, whatever the outcome, I think I will have a cocktail though....thanks for good thoughts though.

Good luck on the holiday. You seem to have the right attitude going in. Let us know how it went.

Hardy, how did it go? Hope the drama was at a minimum. We have an ex wife in our little town who’s husband divorced her over six years ago but she tries to badmouth any of the eligible women if she thinks they are interested. I shake my head at the sheer entitlement of the woman. Your ex sounds a lot like the one in my town. Anyway, hope it went okay for you. Would love to hear about it if you are up for it.

A quick spew...

Drama? I guess that depends on how someone defines it.

Good point, son is fine which I already knew but was nice to see in action. My daughter well, she is better but still has her nature.

Everyone was polite, didn't stop the old guys having an agenda that evening but a good warmed cognac made it tolerable. I never thought I would hear her father call his daughter a complete fool, I imagine it was a bit for my benefit but still a surprise.

A light moment occurred when my father joked about the number of eyes and ears that were hidden but upon us from the house. I said I have little doubt you guys will be interrogated thoroughly later, laughing they commented that I had no idea. I told them regardless of anyone's agendas or good intentions I could never think of her the same way again.

X though did have her moment when at the end of the evening (I had booked a room to avoid any complications) decided to apologize for destroying our family when I was leaving. I nodded and told her it was a pity, but now we are just parents, but she said she is still love with me and to please read her note (she actually called the manifesto "a note" ). I just said my goodbyes and departed.

So in short, I survived it. Nothing was solved, but there was some progress with the kids, it may just work out with them.

I’m glad things went ok.

I gotta say that it is infuriating that she would claim she was "still" in love with you after walking out and spending five years married to another. Usually that kind of statement comes from the injured party, not the perp. She just doesn’t get it.

she said she is still love with me

Hardy, you’re a better man than me. Don’t think I could have resisted throwing a massive snark her way after her saying this, like "Your definition of love that includes adultery, abandonment, and marrying another man is something I want absolutely nothing to do with and never will. I agree with what your father said".

I know that (maybe?) wouldn’t help the pressure from the women folk, but I’d feel good about clearly asserting my boundary.

You handled it like a boss, m‘man.

You handled it like a boss, m‘man.

ROFL, a boss I think not. I'm just trying to run out the clock on this nonsense.

If I'm very lucky she finds a boyfriend if not I'll just keep salami slicing on the situation.

At least my son is over it that was 50% of my objective.

I think you handled everything with class and dignity, but I still think that, since your wife had the audacity to tell you she’s in love with you and begged you to read her "note," you should’ve calmly but firmly said, "Yes, I read your manifesto and it changed nothing. My answer is no; don’t ask me again."

Your ex’s behavior has proved one thing: despite all her claims of growth and change, she has learned NOTHING.

If she had done all the work on herself that she said she did and was "reformed," she would respect your feelings, grieve your rejection of her privately,

If she had, she would accept the hurt that she caused you, grieve privately, and work on moving on with her life. She can’t and she won’t because she’s the same selfish and self-centered emotional parasite that she’s always been.

How are things going OP? I often think how well you handled things considering I’m dealing with a similar creature.

How are things going OP? I often think how well you handled things considering I’m dealing with a similar creature.

Things are going well in life, Valentines Day was enjoyable and without drama. My relationship with my son is now solid and in the direction it should be now and in the future. My daughter has improved as well, albeit still seems to throw out the occasional query. The rest of the family accepted there was not going to be any reconciliation on my part and for the most part seems to have ended any further comments on the matter.

Only drama so far and I guess the reason I'm here this morning is there was a valentines teddy bear and card on my doorstep this morning unsigned but clearly from the X due to the nature of the card.

I had been out of the town over the last few days with a lady I must confess, which while not my motivation for the trip seems to have avoided a visit from the past.

I'm sorry you are in a similar situation, I wish I had advice but I do not think I've handled this particularly well as it still has not ended, only slowed to trickle. So I'm still just trying to run out clock and hope she either tires of this, or finds someone else to focus upon. Maybe it is just something that requires a lot more time than I would have thought.

I know I will never understand the dynamics or psychology of a woman just blows everything one day, I also am not certain I really want to know either.

I meant to add this, I read this other day. I found it both helpful and kind of hurtful too.

"People do not abandon people they love, they abandon people they are using"

[This message edited by hardyfool at 2:54 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

Only drama so far and I guess the reason I'm here this morning is there was a valentines teddy bear and card on my doorstep this morning unsigned but clearly from the X due to the nature of the card.

Hardyfool, if your ex were a man, I suspect that everyone close to you and even posters on SI would be deeply concerned for your safety. Your ex's behavior is obsessive and her continued violation of your explicitly stated boundaries is unacceptable.

I know you're hoping that she will just take the hint and go away, but if she's still actively pursuing you-- even after you called her a whore and basically told her to fuck off-- then she's not going away any time soon. You've tried "running out the clock;" it's not working.

I strongly suggest that you start documenting her behavior, beginning with sending her a certified letter telling her that her attempts to see you and contact you are not welcome, and that she needs to stay off your property. If you don't have one already, get a Ring camera or similar security system installed.

If she continues to try to see you or contact you by any means-- visit, phone call, letter, carrier pigeon-- then get a restraining order.

You're probably going to balk at this suggestion, particularly since you've finally gotten your kids off your back and settled with your decision, but again, your ex's behavior is severely unhinged. There's a very good chance that it will escalate, particularly if you get into a serious relationship and are officially off the market. I don't think you want to take the chance of any harm coming to yourself or someone that you care about.

The worst mistake you could make is think, "Oh, she would never..." There are few people more dangerous than a deluded narcissist deprived of something they want, particularly if that something is loss of control over another person.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:56 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

@BluerthanBlue

Hardyfool, if your ex were a man, I suspect that everyone close to you and even posters on SI would be deeply concerned for your safety. Your ex's behavior is obsessive and her continued violation of your explicitly stated boundaries is unacceptable.

I know you're hoping that she will just take the hint and go away, but if she's still actively pursuing you-- even after you called her a whore and basically told her to fuck off-- then she's not going away any time soon. You've tried "running out the clock;" it's not working.

I admit, I have not thought of it this way before reading your comment, I'll give thought to your perspective, thank you for pointing this out. Minor correction, I did not call her whore, she called called herself that during that now infamous dinner. I did however correct her that she was a slut not a whore as there was not a payment involved. A distinction without a difference a suppose, but I do try be civil.

I strongly suggest that you start documenting her behavior, beginning with sending her a certified letter telling her that her attempts to see you and contact you are not welcome, and that she needs to stay off your property. If you don't have one already, get a Ring camera or similar security system installed.

Oh, lots of cameras on and around this property with audio pickups in some areas including the front door. The property is gated, however unmanned thus access is easy. The camera logs are saved anytime someone enters the property.

You're probably going to balk at this suggestion, particularly since you've finally gotten your kids off your back and settled with your decision, but again, your ex's behavior is severely unhinged. There's a very good chance that it will escalate, particularly if you get into a serious relationship and are officially off the market. I don't think you want to take the chance of any harm coming to yourself or someone that you care about.

You are correct, since I have reasonably achieved the final objectives escalating seems somewhat illogical and might undo the progress with my kids. There has also been a significant decline in her actions, I'm seeing progress. I've never considered my X as remotely dangerous, she is just an entitled woman that is having difficulty in accepting her actions had consequences. As I explained to her, none us are the same people after DDAY and there is no time machine to undo it and the actions that led to that day and afterward.

hardyfool, I'm really not trying to be an alarmist, but I disagree with you that you have nothing to worry about. You might think that things are improving over time and that you're "running out the clock" with her, but based on my experience (and the experience of those close to me) dealing with obsessive, stalker exes, it's more likely that she thinks she can run out your clock.

I've never considered my X as remotely dangerous, she is just an entitled woman that is having difficulty in accepting her actions had consequences. As I explained to her, none us are the same people after DDAY and there is no time machine to undo it and the actions that led to that day and afterward.

You're right that no one is the same after Dday... including your ex. For example, I'm sure that, years ago, you would never imagine that she would offer herself up to you to be used for sex, if you were willing. She probably thought she was hot shit and that she would never have to stoop so low... but there she is.

She is someone who is used to getting what she wants on her own terms. She doesn't see you as a person with agency; she sees you as a tool that she can pick up and put down whenever she wants. You really have no idea at this point what she would or wouldn't do if she felt desperate enough.

So please... don't just dismiss my concern or my advice because you're afraid of making the situation worse or rocking the boat with your kids. Again, I don't mean to sound hyperbolic, but there are many graves filled with people who said to themselves, "She [or he] will take the hint eventually."

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:14 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

Your description of your XW reminds me of my boss' XW. She wanted things her way and she wasn't even remotely concerned about propriety. She was every server's nightmare, asking for special treatment (we once switched tables three times) and popping her head into the kitchen to see what was taking so long. She once rearranged all the things on my desk. They had plenty of money, but she'd ask for friends to pitch in for her son's birthday parties, and then ask you to pick up the cake and the decorations on your way. She absolutely could not read a room. She had NO IDEA how irritating she was to everyone.

She left my boss and assumed that she'd be able to snag a man quickly. When that didn't pan out she wanted to R with Boss, even after he'd married again. She was never dangerous, just boundaryless and persistent.

It's possible that your XW will turn into a bunny boiler, so it's not a bad idea to keep record of attempted contact, just in case. But it's also possible that she's just an irritating gnat who realizes that she made a huge mistake and is doing her best to get back what she lost. You know her better than we do. Has she always been a boundary-buster?

I see her someone desperately trying to get back what she has lost and she has lost a lot more than the financial. I find myself loathed to speak even in a neutral manner regarding her, but she lost damn close to everything in her gambit, while I have spoken about the family attempting to "force" us together, I believe it has more to do with the total mess she has been apparently quite some time. She went from someone who had some respect from the kids and extended family to a warning about what can happen. She even lost most of the people from her circle in the past it seems. She is not anywhere near the same person I remember.

It is possible I am naive, oh my I guess was naive when it comes to her in the past as was surprised when she blew everything up. However that was more due to a choice I made not to consider that she could or would betray me. There were some good things that came out of this, some I've touched on some before namely financially, however another would the ability not to trust anyone completely again. Some people might consider it a scar, I don't I see it like that, it was I should have known before, but chose not to, as it was just unfathomable at the time.

Now nothing is unfathomable any longer, thus I did have the security company extend the data records for the house to a full year including video and audio. Not that I "believe" this would needed, but it doesn't hurt.

A boundary buster? No she was never like your "boss's" wife, but I was told after the divorce she could be more "rude" than I would have thought. Today, heck if I were to use a word, it would be timid perhaps even shy in my presence.

As for irritating, that might be closer to the truth, even during the holiday gathering this year. It was very clear that her efforts had reached the end of patience with everyone outside of perhaps my daughter but even that has shown significant wear.

I guess in summary I think she just knows she "F'D UP" her life and she would offer, heck she already offered just about anything to get it back.