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I’m so sorry you are going through this. Always value yourself. You are a caring, committed and faithful partner who deserves a loving partner. I realize how hard it is to leave a long term relationship, but he is abusing you. Only you can put a stop to it. See an attorney to learn what rights you may have despite not being married. Get into IC to deal with betrayal trauma. And be there for your children. You will get through this. Always value yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:43 AM, Saturday, March 9th]

I’m so sorry for you.

He knows he’s destroying you and he DOESN’T CARE!

Yup. He’s selfish and only cares about what he wants. Yet you keep trying "to get him to see" you & kids and turn this around.

At this point you need to start protecting yourself & kids.

He moves or you move but one of you has to move. My bet is on you.

You see he’s a coward. He won’t say "I am in love with the other woman". Why? Because if he can get you to leave him, he HAS NO GUILT b/c he will tell himself "well I didn’t leave she did".

Typical cheater mentality.

How do I know this? Because my H did the sane thing. He never made a move to D me except to say "I want a D". But expected me to do the work. After 9 months of the same crap you are going through, I’d had enough.

And in one move I cut him out, took my power back and was back on top with restored self esteem. I had no conversations w/ him. I did the hard 180. I ignored him the way he ignored me. If he got upset and was near tears I shrugged my shoulders and left the room.

I didn’t listen to his promises or anything else he had to say.

He quickly the message. He lost all power. I didn’t care if he was with the OW or not. In fact I told him he was free to date anyone he wanted as I was D him and no longer what he did.

Best thing I ever did.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:18 AM, Saturday, March 9th]

How can someone change so much I don't know him anymore we were talking over dinner I said we need to get this sorted iv had enough now he just said I know he said I just wanna be rich wtf I said so you wanna be rich and do t care about us he said course I do but i also wanna be rich my eldest when he went to the toilet looked fuming and said mum I can't believe he just said he wants to be rich over his family

So iv decided to move out for a while as it is still going on he's now told me everything he said she's not someone he wants to be with hecwants his family but time and time again finds himself back there he's been diagnosed with server stress which I noticed before any of this happened and he wouldn't believe me am I doing the right thing moving out so we can have some space and think about what we want we are also going to try couple counselling and see where we go I just can't seem to let this relationship go we had 14years of the best times and 1 year of madness will I ever get over this

I think it’s good to get some space. Are you taking the kids with you?

Have you considered something less permanent like going away with the kids for a while?

We have a house that we rent out so I'm going to move into there with the kids even if it's just a month or 2 it needs some renovation doing on the inside anyway if it works out we can move back if not I will buy a house for me and the kids to live in do you think this is the right thing to do he goes away with work a lot so we have had like small amounts of space like a holiday would be but not sure if we need longer

Ok that sounds like a good plan to me. Time to implement the 180 . Hopefully he realises what he’s lost and fights for his family back. It might be too late by then and you have decided enough is enough and move on but at least you’ll be in a house with your kids and have security.

[quote we are also going to try couple counselling and see where we go]

Sadly this can do more harm than good. It’s not a bad idea to try it but be on your guard. Please do not let the unmet needs or sharing the blame happen in conversations.

What do you mean the counceling or the moving out when will I feel better I can't cope I feel so lost iv lost my bestfriend the love of my life and my life I'm drowning and don't know what to do

Hang in there. Things will get better. You have suffered a real trauma.

The reason that couples counseling can be counterproductive is because your relationship did not fail. Your WBF failed you. He is broken. He needs IC to figure out how he became so broken he could betray your trust. The couples counseling can have positive aspects as long as the counselor does not try to blame you or your relationship for his betrayal. He is one hundred percent responsible for his cheating. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your relationship caused him to cheat. A counselor trained in infidelity needs to focus on his brokenness. It is difficult to address relationship issues until your partner has done a lot of work on himself and you feel safe to work on relationship issues.

Moving out and giving yourself space can be a positive for you, if you use the time to heal and deal with the trauma of his betrayal. Good luck.

Couples counseling is what I meant

What do you mean the counceling or the moving out when will I feel better I can't cope I feel so lost iv lost my bestfriend the love of my life and my life I'm drowning and don't know what to do

It takes a long time to feel better. I am 2 yrs out and it still hurts….but it’s not crushing like it was. Focus on working towards acceptance for now. That was the hardest part for me. That this really was my life and not some nightmare dream.

don't know what to do

For now, force yourself and your mind to take care of yourself. We can’t control the outcome…only what we choose for ourselves. But to make that decision we have to recover from being blown apart. We have to get strong enough to make a proper decision… and that can’t happen if the damage is ongoing. You are special and important even though this makes us question it. Fight for yourself not the relationship.