SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What is he doing to work on himself to be a safe partner?

Usually we recommend IC for both as the BS heals the BS and the WS heals the WS. When enough healing has occurred, then MC to heal the M.

Frankly, he should be driving the R bus to convince you to stay. What is he doing to help you feel safe? What is he doing to help your pain and help rebuild your trust?

Unfortunately, you aren't able to go back. Believe me, that's what I wanted, too. Anything to make the pain go away and to have the life I thought I had back. Your old M is dead, and not coming back. You get to decide whether your WH is doing the work because R is hard.

He is emotionally still in the affair. It was so euphoric that the high got him addicted. He feels things for her because she/the affair gave him that high. Right now he feels the same as a person in rehab. He feels down, can not see the future, does not want to plan anything. You are doing all the heavy lifting but you need to stop. You can’t fix this alone. He has to step up.

You need to look after yourself and your children. Learn about the 180. This will help you to think more clearly and not make decisions built on emotions. This 180 will be your saving grace at this point. And appropriate counseling.

I know im probably sounding really nieve but I just can't imagine my life on my own with my kids I always thought of having a perfect little family which I did have up until june last year everything was perfect im clinging on for dear life because I want to get this back I dont want my kids to have a broken family but i know that staying is also not going to make them happy, I have tried all I can and I saw him trying for about a week!! But now I feel nothing has changed its back to me feeling lonely him constantly with his friends or talking to them on the phone texting ect he has no conversation with me at all which for all these years we where best friend and talked until we slept what is going on im crying myself to sleep every night I want this nightmare to go away but I don't know what to do

[This message edited by Kys86oh at 1:24 AM, Sunday, February 18th]

Unfortunately, you can't go back because you will never be the same again. The pain does go away, but it takes time.

I understand not wanting to have a broken family, because I was the same way. I also wanted to have a 50th wedding anniversary. But my XWH wasn't going to do the work and change, so D was a much better decision for me.

its back to me feeling lonely, him constantly with his friends or talking to them on the phone

Have you read the thread on consequences? What consequences does your WH have? Is he doing the work? Maybe this is a good time to think about what you really want.

We both had a big talk to try and sort things out I said I was leaving he begged me to give him a chance so I did I felt we were moving forward
THEN!!!
He had am overnight awards ceremony promised her company wouldn't be there didn't reply to txt all day or phone calls the next morning txt and said so sorry I got drunk and fell asleep so I called him within seconds no answer called about 4 times he would of had his phone in his hand he always does so I get my friend who followed her on insta as the other girl accepted her to just check her story bingo she was at the same awards ceremony he said maybe she went to a different one as I sent him the picture I screenshot when he got home said didn't realise she was there what do I do maybe nothing happened but why lie why not answer your phone feel like we move forward then take 100vsteps back what do I do I'm dying inside x

The quick answer is that he betrayed your trust again. If he truly cared about how you felt, every action he takes would be made with you in mind. He wouldn't drink to the point of not being able to answer, he would respond to every message within minutes if able. He isn't acting like a safe partner at all.

He's learned nothing and has suffered no consequences. When he gets home, make sure he comes home to changed locks. He's an a$$h0le.

I know that deep down I'm so stupid letting it get to this point I know its easy for someone to say but my head is saying he's had enough chances how do I get the courage to leave I can't go on like this xx

Can you go some where for a bit and take the kids with you? Maybe your parents?

This will give you some space to think things through, if you want to give him another chance or decide you’re done. It will also give him a taste of life on his own and may kick him off the fence (but don’t count on this).

I wouldn’t believe for a second he didn’t know she would be at that award ceremony. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re still seeing each other.

You’re actually in a stronger position than you realise. You’re financially stable and it’s likely the kids will be with you more than him if you don’t go with 50/50 split custody. I know you don’t want to think about that right now because you’ve had a terrible shock and would do anything to save your family. Believe me I know because I was exactly the same 6 months ago. But you have to be strong now, if you decide to give it another shot make strong boundaries and if he breaks them prepare yourself to move forward with divorce.

I think I'm at that point where I know its never going to be the same iv given him chance after chance and nearly every weekend she pops up on his phone or like I found out she was at the awards every time I have a gut feeling I'm right his lies are even getting pathetic like he just says something and thinks I belive him i want to but I don't I didn't say anything about him stopping out at this event I thought to myself iv gotta try and trust him and he proved he can't be trusted once again I know ge has no respect for me I work long hours look after the kids take them where they need to be cook clean wash make tea he never offers to wash up he eats then lays on the sofa with his phone and his word I make infinitely more money than you so think he thinks he can do what he wants goes out with mates gym everyday and om tge mug here that just takes it I was quiet happy bringing up the kids until this it hasn't always been like this we used to work as a team but as the years have gone on the team work has got less and less then he does this to me again and again I know iv should leave but them another part of me thinks if I stay a bit longer it will change because I loved our life so much but its not going to is it or it would have already

I was going to buy a house that you can rent before you buy I'm going to view it in a few days iv had financial advice as we are not married and know what I need to do I'm all set but just can't get the strength to leave because I think I'll then feel like I split up my family when I could of tried harder x

I really think a hard 180 would serve you well here. There is a chance he wakes up to what he stands to lose and then you set out your boundaries and conditions. If he doesn’t wake up you start separation preparations.

He already blew up your family, you’re not splitting it up. You’ve done everything you can to repair his mistake, including acquiescing to him and keeping your mouth shut. Fuck that, it will damage you over time, it can’t continue without taking a toll on you.

Have you considered IC? The things you tell yourself are damaging you, and they are untrue.

A good IC can help you see yourself as you as you really are. You're loving. You're lovable. You're capable. The strength you need is probably in you now; if it's not you can develop it quickly.

You most definitely can recover from this.

Do you think he really doesn't care anymore I feel like since he took on this new job the power has gone to his head I don't want to force him to wanna be with me I'm thinking he wants me to leave as he's too coward to do so but I tried a few weeks ago and ge begged for another chance had a good week then went back to normal x

No one knows what he’s thinking. You can’t predict or control what he does. You can only focus on what’s best for you and your kids. You’re in a tough situation and you’re in shock. Give yourself grace and do your best, you can’t keep living like this trying to appease him.

Why can he not see how much he is hurting me he knows me so well and knows I hate falling out I'm usually so laid back happy and daft and all of that got taken away from me in July iv felt sick sad and lonely ever since he was my best friend for 15 years I'm truly heartbroken that I don't know this person anymore 💔

[This message edited by Kys86oh at 7:32 AM, Thursday, March 7th]

I am to the point now where I hate cheaters. They are scum. I should have married a fat ugly broad. At Least she`d be loyal.

I know I have always said that I wouldn't in a million years of even thought about cheating on anyone especially when they are the live of your life best friend ect I really don't think the cheater realises what you go through when this happens to you heart broken beyond belief

I'm so sorry this has also happened to you I know exactly how you feel

I always said I would never stay but why the he'll can I not leave I really dint see how I can get beyond this point I feel like I have a heavy weight sitting on me right now 😔

Sounds like you’re frozen from the shock and don’t know what to do. Leaving and calling it as over is a huge step. Maybe too big for you right now. That’s why I suggested going away for a few days with the kids. You’ll have the space and time to think and plan your next move.

How do I get my head around this iv had so much Time to think he's never here!! I'm so broken I just want to stop feeling this way even writing this I have tears rolling down my face I feel like I'm not in my life or my body he can see how upset I am and realy doesn't seem to care although he says he does

I'll give you an example so tonight I come home from work pick up the kids he strolls in from work and the gym at 10pm! He nipped to his friends on the way home knowing full well I had made the tea so that was ruined sits on his phone goes upstairs makes a phone call comes back down sits on his phone then says going to his mate round the corner it's now 11.30pm when he left this is my everyday life now if it was me in the wrong I would be doing everything I can to help this relationship

It's so bizarre because before July we have always been best mates tell each other everything do most things together family things with the boys date nights txt call everyday we had the perfect relationship for a whole 14yrs then year 15 has been the worst time of my life how can this happen

I feel like iv lost a part of me why is he doing this to me why am I still here iv put up with this lonley feeling know for 8months and I'm still fucking waiting but I don't know what for!!!!

Very gently, he's behaving like he's still in the affair.

He shouldn't be doing any of that. He should be home,with you.

He's showing you he's not wanting to reconcile. Saying it, and putting in the work,are 2 different things.

180. Detach.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:00 AM, Saturday, March 9th]