SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Polygraph scheduled, next thursday 10 AM.

Post nuptials are mostly worthless and get thrown out in divorce court all the time. Especially ones that are heavily weighted to one side. I see them as mostly symbolic. If you really needed something like that, just get a divorce, and later get remarried with a prenup.

5BD,

Good job on the poly!

Based on your language, it sounds like you're from the UK. Is that right?

Im in the state of georgia, born and raised.

I second the "move forward" advice. Analysis Paralysis is absolutely real, and I'm still stuck in it at times. Just afraid to make any decision that could rattle this delicate balance I've reached. It's irrational and could potentially be detrimental to recovery and progress, but it's real.

5BD

I stand corrected then.

Her confession has a lot about what "they did to her". Have you discussed what "she did to them"?

Maybe your questions cover this but I would Verify with the poly:

Did she see their penises
Did she touch them?
Did she touch them bringing them to orgasm?
Did she use her mouth on them?

Also:
"Since you have been married to 5bd, have you had sexual contact with any person, including kissing, touching their body sexually, oral sex or intercourse"?

ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:17 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

^^^
I didn’t even think of this, but yeah could definitely be that.

Theres no rule that says you can do a follow up polygraph either. I remember a WS here who was so terrified of losing her marriage she scheduled polygraph tests each time she returned from mandatory business trips.

5bluedrops,

What you're going through is terrible. Recently here, I talked about my polygraph experience years ago and was not particularly positive or supportive of the process with the person seeking it, Elara. It was my experience, and I was trying to explain that I wasn't prepared to interpret or act on the polygraph results. Elara may be in a different situation. She's not answering here anymore, and I feel terrible.

That being said, I think this is an excellent use of a polygraph given the following are true:
1): You want to know the physical extent of your wife/girlfriend's interactions.
2): You are willing to accept the results of the polygraph and act accordingly as you've previously discussed.
In that case, I do think a polygraph can help.

My WH had an inconclusive result with his polygraph originally. His examiner did not believe his story was possible. Does yours? Many people here do not believe your WW's story. What's your examiner's take? It is my belief that an examiner has to be impartial. Otherwise what is the point?

Will you take it as the truth if the polygraph is found to show your WW is not lying? What will you do? Will you take it to be the truth if she has found to be trying not to tell the truth in the polygraph? What will you do?

You've said:

She expected him to talk her out of agreeing to it, but he didnt. So she was disappointed, crestfallen, and frightened. Took to googling polygraph accuracy and things like "my husband wants me to take a lie detector test".

I personally think it's understandable to be afraid of a polygraph. If someone asked me to put up my life or career on a polygraph test, I would be scared. That's ok.

The story your WW tells doesn't seem logical. Is that ok to you even if she passes? How will your conversations go then?

In terms of your questions,

1. Have you engaged in sexual intercourse with anyone other than BH since the beginning of your relationship?
2. Have you fully disclosed all instances of physical sexual contact that occurred outside of the (name of country club/golf course)?
3. Is the disclosure document you provided to BH a fully complete and honest account of all instances of infidelity since the relationship began?
4. Have you fully disclosed the number of partners with whom physical sexual contact occurred since the relationship with BH began?

These are the questions I cooked up. Obviously, Id like any input from you guys and I will let the polygrapher take editorial and directional license.

There are general questions here to me. You could reword and clarify these. You might consider talking to your examiner about your intent and having questions rephrased.

Stevesn

"Since you have been married to 5bd, have you had sexual contact with any person, including kissing, touching their body sexually, oral sex or intercourse"?

There's this too.

And now shes lied to me for a decade, yes, and probably is still lying. Which, of course she denies.

I cant leave her. Its not in me. I just want her to set fire to all the lies, come clean and come back to my arms.

Id say she did terrible things, to me, to us. But shes not a bad person. Shes my favorite person. The one I chose.

You seem like such a nice person. Generally, I hope you find what you desire and need.

Be prepared for what we call a "parking lot confession. "

It's when a ws will drop a major truth bomb,prior to the test,in hopes that their BS will believe they have the entire truth,and will cancel the test.

Always,always follow through with the test.

Also,if she fails,be prepared for her to use anxiety as her excuse. Trust that a certified polygraph administrator is well trained. They know the difference between anxiety,and lies. Everyone is nervous when it comes to a polygraph. Even those who are honest.

An update;

Last several days have been hard.

Last wednesday was our counseling session. We talked about my issues with the storyline. We talked about the polygraph. WW tried much harder to share in session. Counselor was fairly supportive of my initiative to get one done, and by the time we left, WW was much less scared and resistant to the idea of getting one.

Consequently, I was in a much better mood about things.

Ww and I had thursday off together. It started off great. We were getting along and I felt like I had good autonomy and finally was looking forward to some empirical approach to the truth of what Ive been told. She was still uncomfortable about doing it, but I felt comfortable that she was just nervous about being subjected to scrutiny and her willingness was starting to convince me she might pass, and that I could be ok with that.

The Counseler texted.

"Hi BH. WW sent me your number and so I finally have it down. I shared with her that I am beginning to really wrap my mind around a plan and was suggesting that you all postpone the polygraph until we can make it a part of the plan. I now understand the significance of it and why you need it. We really need to talk about all of that. Thank you so much and look forward to seeing you Wednesday."

So I called him and asked when he thought I should reschedule it too. He told me to take it off the books indefinitely, but to hold a deposit open, that we would definitely incorporate it into "the plan".

When? He doesnt know when exactly.

I called and canceled with the polygrapher. They are holding my slot open for a few months.

WW experienced relief, which sickens me. I experienced a loss of agency, and a tailspin. In my mind, I exchanged the feeling of security of having answers coming by next thursday for a vaguely undefined "plan" by wednesday. More time in this situation is not my friend. My mental health is unstable and declining. And a part of that is that I dont even trust myself. Not to make good decisions, not to stay decided, not to build regrets with every choice.

Last several days I was depressed and angry. I lashed out at WW. Called her a bitch, a whore, a liar, a cheater. Instant guilt.

Shes responding to my questions with statements like,
" but I HAVE told you the truth"
"I refuse to make things up that didnt happen to make this go away"
"Imagine being called a liar when youve finally come clean"
"Does it make you feel better to treat me like this?"

She is taking these positions, refusing to discuss further, and stonewalling the issue.
I get angry, blow up, and she goes victim.
She is taking the position that I am subjecting her to abuse.

She wanted to find this place and read what I wrote, what you all wrote.

I broke and gave it to her. She read this thread and cried, "you only showed me this to hurt and punish me".

So now Im just fucked. I suck at this and Im not going to win.

Thank you all for your empathy and for trying to help my weak, hopeless ass.

You shouldn't call her those names. I know it's difficult to refrain from doing so, but try your best. You want to be able to look back at your actions with pride and not wonder if you caused the breakdown of your marriage.

Reschedule the polygraph. It is how you will get the answers you need. As mentioned above, do not stop the poly even for parking lot confessions, which you will surely get. (Also, consider getting a new counselor, or just having each of you doing individual counseling until you're both in a better place.)

Consider contacting the mods here and having your name changed. You will have to abandon this thread and change up some details of your story, but having your wife monitor you here is not ideal. Until she is at the place to want to take the poly because she wants to tell the full truth and to help you heal, she should not be reading your discussions on here. (And even then some couples like to keep their threads separate.)

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really not fair.

This is a good example of why we say to hold off on mc.

It does not matter what the mc says. YOU need a polygraph for your peace of mind. You've waited years for the truth,and now you're going to wait longer.

Your unremorseful ws now has a "professional " telling you to wait.

Also..there are reasons we tell new bs to not share this site with their ws. You're seeing why now.

Cancel mc. Schedule the polygraph. Follow through with the test.

Imagine being called a liar when youve finally come clean"

Imagine cheating on your spouse with several men, including one where he is watching you get fondled, lying about it for decades, constantly changing the story, and having the balls to play victim when they don't believe you.

She doesn't believe you will go anywhere. She's had zero consequences. She has no real motivation to change.

Your last post really irritated me. Not because of you, but because of your WW. She appears to be in a mode where she wants to control everything. Why? Because if she can, she can continue to do whatever she wants, have her cake and eat it too. In my opinion your WW is a manipulative serial cheater. It sounds like she had a conversation with your marriage counselor and put him up to contacting you to postpone the polygraph. I would ask him directly if he had such a conversation, if he started in on something about confidentiality I would not use him ever again. Having a secret ex parte conversation with your wife would be unacceptable to me.

Ask yourself why she would reach out to the MC to put the polygraph off. Ask yourself why she feels so much relief. It’s because she thought her world was going to blow up with the truth, and now she knows it’s not going to happen.

The advice you’re getting from us isn’t intended to make you win. It’s intended to empower you so you can emerge from the crisis and resume a content life, with or without her. Sadly, in my opinion, there are no real winners when it comes to infidelity.

Reschedule the polygraph as soon as you can. Make it a condition for any sort of reconciliation. Until it’s done there should be no marriage counseling. Why spend time and money on a MC when you really don’t know why you’re seeing him.

She’s going to read all these posts now and will have arguments/manipulations to counter any advice you get here. My WW knew I was on a forum, but didn’t know which one. She used to attack to attack the advice I received here, saying it was given by a bunch of paranoid angry people. Why, because the advice I received here was empowering me and impacting her ability to lie and manipulate.

I watched the text roll in to her phone from him, prior to him texting me, and it was all on his side. There wasnt some conversation from her to him to roll this ball. Really, since leaving the counseling session, she and I were together the whole time.

Im inclined to at least text him today and ask, hey, whats the plan here? I need to know more to stop spinning. Its a long way to wednesday and I have to survive long enough to get there

Can anyone guess from personal experience what he is about to propose?

Im inclined to give him a chance to feed me some air.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 2:42 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

You made a tactical mistake, but you can still make progress. You're really dealing with a full-on manipulator who feels the need needs to control you, which is not love. You need to fire the MC immediately and get the truth. Do not pass go. The poly should be a precondition to MC.

As long as she is resistant to the poly, you can safely assume that she is still lying. There's really no other way to interpret that. Being nervous is perfectly normal, but she needs to give this to you ASAP. Everything she is saying to you is exactly what WSs say when they're trying to manipulate their way out of their lies.

Do not use abusive language, however. No more name-calling. Grey rock her and begin to detach emotionally so you can make more rational decisions for you.

If she is reading here: Ma'am, please stop trying to control the outcome. The damage is done and can't be undone. This man clearly loves you and needs to trust you, and this is by far the best means to help get that trust back. Any argument you may have formed to get out of this is almost certainly for your own self-preservation and not for his mental health. The lies and gaslighting do SO much more harm than the affair. Give him peace of mind. What happened is likely not worse than what he believes happened. Stop hurting him. Best of luck to you both.

[This message edited by 1994 at 2:40 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

When did your wife send him your number?

I also believe she had a private conversation with him,about the polygraph. He point blank said she sent him your number,and he wanted you to hold off on the polygraph.

Ws can carry on an affair, right in front of their bs. The fact that the two of you were together, doesn't mean she didn't message or call him. Unless you followed each other into the bathroom, every time, she had time to message him. Keep in mind, just because she didn't have her phone in her hand, right before he started texting you,doesn't mean she bad just spoken to him. He probably messaged you, in between his appointment. She could have spoken to him hours before you heard from him.

Check the phone records.

His plan is probably to try to get her to tell the truth,without a polygraph. The problem with that, is she has proven to be a very manipulative, dishonest person. It may take years to get her there, if at all. A polygraph is necessary. You absolutely must have a foundation of truth, before attempting reconciliation. And, the way she has acted,and is acting, it's a safe bet you don't have the truth or anything close to it.

She will do her best to get you off this site. She will label us bitter, angry,jaded,etc. She will tell you we don't know her. The truth is,many of us have remained here, years after dday,we have healed long ago,and we are helping new bs,in the way we were helped. And cheaters all follow a pattern. So much so, we joke about there being a cheaters handbook. We know who she is. We've seen this before. We also know continuing to see this mc will do you more harm, than good.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:48 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

He asked for my number when he reached out to her. She replied to his text with it. The text I shared then subsequently arrived at my phone.

They dont know me is literally the first thing she said.

Since she is reading here,she may as well sign up,and start posting on the wayward forum. We have some amazing former waywards, who will help her. She may as well get the full benefit of this site. After all, if she really wants a successful reconciliation, she should be willing to do all she can to make that happen. This is an invaluable resource.