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Second, when you're (and I'm using the universal "you" here, not specifically the OP) asking someone to do something that takes considerable focus and commitment-- like lose a considerable amount of weight and get fit-- what are you asking them to sacrifice and, more importantly, what are you willing to do to facilitate that process?

Clearly, the AP was not asked to help facilitate the process. And yet, they got the benefits of it. As OP stated, wife went all gang busters for other men, they get the thrill of being with a motivated, attractive woman with basically no cost to them, and (in his words) he gets to pay tuition and remodel the closet. Can you not at least FEEL the injustice of this? I can.

I’m probably really touching the rail here, but obesity should not happen unless there is some sort of physical reason. The solution is pretty straightforward. Start doing exercise like walking, graduate to strength training, and don’t eat so damn much.

Science disagrees that the solution is straightforward.

I would be firm in your resolve and let her know. If she is truly concerned about losing you, it might be the motivation she needs

Lose weight or I'm leaving you. That'll make for a healthy, happy relationship. /s

(Edited to delete comment that I'm no longer comfortable with.)

Also, and I will die on this hill: If someone is not living up to your expectations, and if they are unwilling to change, it's on you to decide how you will respond. You can remain in the relationship and be unhappy; you can accept them as they are and make peace with it; or you can leave. You cannot control them.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:00 PM, Friday, September 6th]

Clearly, the AP was not asked to help facilitate the process. And yet, they got the benefits of it. As OP stated, wife went all gang busters for other men, they get the thrill of being with a motivated, attractive woman with basically no cost to them, and (in his words) he gets to pay tuition and remodel the closet. Can you not at least FEEL the injustice of this? I can.

It’s only a perceived injustice. She didn’t lose weight for these men. She lost weight because they were getting healthier together.

And, if you want your wife to glow and be her best, I would suggest not saying things to her like "drop this weight"

Someone who is critical of us is not going to bring out the best in us. There are lots of other ways to go about that.

I don’t think there is a statute of limitations for divorcing, but don’t you think it’s likely he has felt this way about her for years? Maybe the whole 13 years since her affair? And if so, can you imagine what that relationship looks like and feels like? Do you not see how that could put an aura of depression for both of them? He said he told her to lose weight and she gained more- what do you make of that? Certainly not that she is saying "I will show him" and gaining more weight. She is eating her feelings.

This is a dysfunctional relationship that likely does stem back to the fact she cheated but this her losing weight is not going to fix that. It’s a red herring. She would lose the weight and either it will trigger him or he will still find her repulsive because I think most of what he feels stems from the residual feelings about the affair.

So once again, he has the right to feel how he does, and so does she. Women are programmed from an early age that there is nothing worse they can be than fat. This is probably the most sensitive subject you could broach with a woman. You can ask for things but it is a very sensitive approach.

And keep in mind if you want a woman to be adventurous sexually, then making them feel like their body is repulsive is not going to do it.

This is gross but I think a lot of women do a lot in the affair because they are hearing things they see as romantic. if he wants the "affair her"do you think he should be romantic? Because affairs are transactional.

This is such a dead end.

And also, doing chores is a responsibility we ALL have. If he gets divorced he will still have chores and probably a lot more of them.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:51 PM, Friday, September 6th]

HEAR HEAR, h/o.

Lose weight or I'm leaving you. That'll make for a healthy, happy relationship. /

And the fact he can’t express his feelings after she did this is.

WW took insane risks and put so much effort to be with these OMs (pictures that the OM has, unprotected sex, sharing my private information, almost lost her job due to performance,..) but when I ask her to get back in shape, she tells me it’s off-limits to discuss.

Science disagrees that the solution is straightforward

Ok, you have me interested. How do you get in shape. Especially in her case where we know there is no physical reason as she did it once before.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 10:38 PM, Friday, September 6th]

InkHulk,

Clearly, the AP was not asked to help facilitate the process. And yet, they got the benefits of it. As OP stated, wife went all gang busters for other men, they get the thrill of being with a motivated, attractive woman with basically no cost to them, and (in his words) he gets to pay tuition and remodel the closet. Can you not at least FEEL the injustice of this? I can.

Of course I can feel the injustice of it and be outraged on GhostRider's behalf. But I think you would agree that one of the biggest hurdles to Reconciliation is the BS having to live with injustice and overcoming the need to balance the scales. You, of all people, know this very well and would've helped your wife in any way that you could've if it meant you could save your marriage; unfortunately, you had a wife that was not only unremorseful but actively working against you. Again, we don't know enough about OP's situation to say that's the case with her.

Seriously, what's constructive about saying, "Yeah that sucks bro that fat bitch totally doesn't give a shit about you"? Rather, what's harmful about prompting the OP to see things from her vantage point and rethink his approach? That's the advice that we typically give to waywards and I think there are certainly many circumstances when it's applicable to BSs, too.

they get the thrill of being with a motivated, attractive woman with basically no cost to them, and (in his words) he gets to pay tuition and remodel the closet.

As I said in my very first post, he would be paying tuition and remodeling the closet whether his wife cheated on him or not, lost weight or not, or if they got divorced or not. The reality of life is that it's mostly routine drudgery. Even if his wife pulled out all the stops to keep him thrilled and excited every day-- an impossible task-- it still wouldn't alleviate his responsibilities or change the fact that OM never had any. One way or another, OP needs to overcome that resentment or it will continue to eat him alive.

I get that weight is an incredibly sensitive subject. I do. But for goodness sake, the idea of being used for money and security is an incredibly sensitive subject as well, and this situation is mixing the two. But it just so happens that the person who showed up at our door looking for support is decidedly on one side of this. And maybe we should allow him the space to voice his pain for more than one post before expecting him to process it so well that he’s solved and moved past it.

Ok, you have me interested. How do you lose weight. Especially in her case where we know there is no physical reason as she did it once before.

I really want to avoid threadjacking, but I supposed a short response is alright, since how easy or hard it is to lose weight is relevant.

It has been my experience that men can drop weight much more easily than women simply by eating less and/or moving more. My husband can do nothing more than avoid cookies and Cokes for a week and drop eight pounds. He can lose five pounds in a day by being active. My boss was told to lose fifteen pounds, so he ate only broccoli for a month and VOILA! This seems to make these types think that it should be as easy for everyone else as it is for them.

There are so many factors that are roadblocks. Mental and emotional health is the biggest one, IMO.
Hormones, like with PCOS, perimenopause, and menopause.
Medications.
Genetics.
Gender.
Health conditions.
Environment.

I lost 20 pounds a few years ago by doing Weight Watchers and walking 10k steps every day. And then I got plantar fasciitis, got demoralized, and gained it all back. I still have no idea how I mustered up the discipline necessary to do that, but I did. I haven't been able to summon it since. I'm now on semaglutide (like Ozempic) and have lost 15 pounds since April without trying too hard. I've been working out with a trainer and plan to continue, but I know that getting TO the gym is the hardest part - for me, and for so many other people.

I'm impressed by - and jealous of - those who have the discipline necessary to lose weight. It's very difficult for most of us. The percentage of overweight people is proof of that.

I get that weight is an incredibly sensitive subject. I do. But for goodness sake, the idea of being used for money and security is an incredibly sensitive subject as well, and this situation is mixing the two.

Show me where we know this.

-He said he was paying his child’s school tuition. He didn’t say it’s was just her decision to send him to private school.

-He didn’t say if she works.

It’s sort of a straw man to say "the ap wasn’t fixing the closet or paying tuition"

Um, that’s not his house or his kid? This man has responsibilities that are not caused by the affair.

He has resentment that is caused by the affair. The resentment belongs to him, he is the only one who can solve it. All we are trying to do is broaden his view of the source of those resentments.

It’s not lost on anyone that he wants her to lose weight to show him she wants to make an effort to look a certain way for him. I think most people appreciate their spouse doing things for them and making them feel special. No one is faulting him for feeling that way. We are just trying to help him see ways he might be more successful.

But it just so happens that the person who showed up at our door looking for support is decidedly on one side of this. And maybe we should allow him the space to voice his pain for more than one post before expecting him to process it so well that he’s solved and moved past it.

I honestly don’t think you can find a poster in this thread who doesn’t acknowledge his pain.

We are not expecting for him to process it all perfectly. We are giving him different view points that he can do what he wants with.

I fail to see how being an echo chamber can help him. This is not a new bs. He is 13 years out. I don’t think it makes it less painful but he is stuck. Probably has been for 13 years. I think the different perspectives at least give him a chance to think a different thought. And thoughts are what drive our pain. The problem with that is we can latch on to certain things that keep us stuck.

I don’t believe that his wife has gained weight because she doesn’t love him. It’s a fallacy for him to believe that. She has likely gained weight because she doesn’t feel good about herself. Making her feel worse isn’t going to create a situation where a woman is going to pursue him for sex, or even be able to let loose and get into things because she is worried he is looking at her stomach or whatever it is. I can not underline how profoundly deep body image struggles are for most women.

Yes, she should make effort and make him a priority. All married people should do that. My guess is she does all sorts of things for him she didn’t do for the AP. Focusing on just one side of that coin isn’t helping.

Comparing their marriage to her affair isn’t helpful at all. Because then you gotta drag out a list of who does what, what reward was there, and so on. No one is going to come to a place of healing from making things like that their focus.

People heal by by being vulnerable and getting specific with what is really missing in this picture for them. And then seeing either the ws help find a solution that will work for BOTH of them, which affirms their choices to stay. Or that doesn’t happen and they need to find the courage to move on.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:56 AM, Saturday, September 7th]

My friend, as I said earlier, if I would have gotten these messages before I made so much as my second post, I would not have come back, as this OP has not yet. It’s like he’s being forced to what people believe is the end of his story, but all based off a scrap of information. Maybe we can leave space for his pain and let him come along on the journey. I’m done on this thread until/if OP comes back.

Sacred Soul, I applaud you for the work you are now doing. I do agree with most of your points. There are physical reasons some may not be able to exercise much, and many medications do cause weight gains. That is why I prefaced my statement by saying unless there is a physical reason, which there are. I also agree with you that mental and emotional reasons are primarily the reason for weight gain. IMO that those suffering would be happier (note happier and not happy as many mental and emotional issues will still be there) at 140 pounds than at 220.

I’m also going to add that the food we eat has gotten so processed and portion size so big, that this is equally detrimental. Go to a big chain supermarket and look at a "healthy" bran muffin. It’s probably 4 times the size of a muffin from 25 years ago and is chock full of added sugars. So that one bran muffin is really eating four. It’s also easier and often cheaper to eat a couple of quarter pounders than to buy a piece of salmon and cook it in an air fryer. Especially in some of the lower economic areas where the fish or other natural foods aren’t very good.

Education about healthy eating is critical. Exercise is important too, but what we eat overrides even the people who work out hard. The line in fitness that abs are made in the kitchen, and not the gym. Alcohol is also a villain.

Either way, some sort of overall fitness is attainable by many who are overweight. It does take discipline. I’m 68 and go to the gym and lift 4-5 days a week. I have made it a priority. It wasn’t the priority of the WWTL who was overweight at the time of her affair.

To tie back to the original post, he knows she can get back to the way she was for the AP. Might be harder now as she is older, and she may not get to tri athlete status, but if it became a priority for her, the discipline to achieve the goals are more attainable.

Again, probably touching the third rail here, but after what she did she owes him that, rather than to say that discussing her weight is off limits. If she tries and can’t get to 100%, that’s ok too. But she owes it to him to try. Something in terms of fitness is better than nothing

Ink, we don’t know why OP hasn’t come back. Some people frequently do drive-by posts to vent and then disappear for weeks or months.

You took far heavier 2x4s to the face in your 50-page threads and you still came back. Just because advice is difficult to hear, not what you want to hear, or challenges your existing views doesn’t mean there’s no value.

Also, for the record, I was actually was being used as a maid and for financial security/benefits by my ex. He worked nights and would spend his days hitting the gym; meanwhile, I could barely scrape 10 minutes in the day for any self-care between working during the day and housework at night.

So yeah, I can totally relate to not feeling like I enjoyed the “benefits” of being married to an Adonis and feeling like an appliance rather than a spouse.

If were projecting my own insecurities based on my experience, I wouldn’t bother trying to get him to see a different point of view.

And with that said, I’m out, too.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:35 AM, Saturday, September 7th]

In my opinion, this is the problem with wanting R too quickly, too much, and with too little fear and effort from the WS. You have to be willing to lose the M to actually save it, all of it.

Also, and I will die on this hill: If someone is not living up to your expectations, and if they are unwilling to change, it's on you to decide how you will respond. You can remain in the relationship and be unhappy; you can accept them as they are and make peace with it; or you can leave. You cannot control them.

Yep.

This is about a lack of pulling out all the stops, a lack of true effort (the kind that heals). That type of effort only comes from a fear of losing it all.

I stand by my opinion that if the BS offers R too quickly, that fear, that effort, that "Omg, I WANT THIS R!" never has a chance to take hold. Status quo returns too quickly.

I don't think this is about her weight. The post could have easily been about her worn out clothing, her minimal make up, or her out-of-date hair cut. Because it's really about her effort or lack thereof.

But she owes it to him to try. Something in terms of fitness is better than nothing

It’s been 13 years. She doesn’t “owe” him anything at this point other than fidelity and pulling her weight in the marriage. (Pun intended.) The atonement stage is long gone.

To answer the original question: Yes, there is a statute of limitations.

And she doesn’t owe him changes to her body that she doesn’t want to make. Ever.

He can do with that what he will.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 2:08 PM, Saturday, September 7th]

Still projecting, though not on every point below....

And the fact he can’t express his feelings after she did this is.

Sorry, that's his problem to solve. To heal from being betrayed, the BS needs to learn to express their feelings if they can't do it. It's painful. It takes work. But virtually all of us - and maybe totally all of us - can do it. If the BS doesn't do it, they won't heal - and that means no R and probably no successful D, either.

I'm impressed by - and jealous of - those who have the discipline necessary to lose weight. It's very difficult for most of us.

For me, it's the people who keep the weight off who impress me most. Just sayin'....

Again, probably touching the third rail here, but after what she did she owes him that, rather than to say that discussing her weight is off limits. If she tries and can’t get to 100%, that’s ok too. But she owes it to him to try. Something in terms of fitness is better than nothing

I'll disagree here.

She owes him effort if she wants to R without negotiating something else. IMO,she owes him just what she agrees to provide. If that's not enough for OP, Op is free to - and well advised to - split. I mean ... she probably promised fidelity and didn't deliver. OP is free to split.

In my opinion, this is the problem with wanting R too quickly, too much, and with too little fear and effort from the WS.

I'll disagree here, too.

I think the problem stems from agreeing to R without addressing the issues in the people and their relationship. I understand fear of D can help motivate the WS to do the work, but I suspect fear of addressing the internal issues is greater than the fear of D. I suspect most WSes need to conquer their fear of change to R. IOW, fear is more of an obstacle to R than a help. JMO, of course.

Fear of addressing WS issues helped keep me from cheating, so maybe I'm projecting even more than I expected when I started drafting this post.

@Ghostrider

There is no statute of limitations when someone betrays you. You have the right to feel the way you do, you have the right to react based upon that feeling. By that definition you have the right to insist the WW puts as much effort (if not more) into you as she did with her AP. If she isn't doing that you have every right to call her out on it, or decide that the relationship doesn't have the ROI for the giant fecal burger that you have had to consume to continue in the relationship.

You must ask yourself what are your objectives and how is it best to achieve those objectives. If the price is simply too high for what you are getting in return it is logical to simply begin the process of moving on from her. That process can take whatever form you want of course, its not like walking out and filing that day.

I can see some posters are calling you out based upon the touchy weight comment, well their perspective is simply irrelevant in the equation (you are clearly using it as a metric). All that matters is how you feel and are those feeling well thought out. If they are from your paradigm...well then see the above two paragraphs in this posting.

@SacredSoul33

You wrote;

To answer the original question: Yes, there is a statute of limitations.

Would you be willing to elaborate on this? What is the statute and when is it applicable? Is there ever a time when it is not applicable?

You have the right to feel the way you do, you have the right to react based upon that feeling. By that definition you have the right to insist the WW puts as much effort (if not more) into you as she did with her AP. If she isn't doing that you have every right to call her out on it, or decide that the relationship doesn't have the ROI for the giant fecal burger that you have had to consume to continue in the relationship.

Which is exactly what I have said repeatedly:

Also, and I will die on this hill: If someone is not living up to your expectations, and if they are unwilling to change, it's on you to decide how you will respond. You can remain in the relationship and be unhappy; you can accept them as they are and make peace with it; or you can leave. You cannot control them.

Would you be willing to elaborate on this? What is the statute and when is it applicable? Is there ever a time when it is not applicable?

The WS shouldn't have to wear a hairshirt for all of perpetuity. That's not R. (I'm speaking strictly in regard to true R, not the rug-sweeping variety of just staying together.)

IMO, there needs to be a balance of power. If the WS wants to R, they'd do well to assign more power to the BS in the early days and do some things that they otherwise wouldn't ordinarily do in order to help the BS regain trust and feel secure, like checking in often. Once they've demonstrated that they want to and can be trustworthy again and are acting accordingly, the power starts slowly shifting back to the middle. That takes time, as we all know. The standard answer around here to "how long?" is 2-5 years.

If there are new hurts, the clock resets.

If the WS won't do what they BS wants them to do, the BS has choices to make. (See above.)