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But I still say that a desire for your exclusive partner to maintain their own health and attractiveness is valid. And if a person feels that is highly important to them, to the point that that is what they want and a potential deal breaker in the wake of an affair, who are we to judge? We expect WS’s to improve themselves.

On the surface I don’t disagree with you. Especially in maintaining one’s health. If my husband gained 100 pounds and could no longer go hiking and biking with me, I would gently try and talk to him about life longevity, how I want him to enjoy a long healthy life and be with me and our family on this earth as long as he can. I would offer to start walking with him. I already cook nice meals that would support him and I would even be happy to prep ahead snacks or lunches or whatever worse he needed so that he is entirely supported in trying to get back to being healthier.

We don’t even know how much overweight his wife is. He isn’t having a constructive conversation. And I don’t think he is truly in touch with what he wants here.

It very well could be that it doesn’t matter how she looks, he may never find her attractive again. And lots of married people have disagreements on parenting styles, it doesn’t automatically mean one is better than the other. I find that men and women often play different parenting roles, and that is actually good for the kids. I was a nuturer and while I had expectations round their responsibilities, it was more his main concern.

I think we all agree if he isn’t happy, get a divorce, and that there is no statute of limitations.

I think we all agree if he isn’t happy, get a divorce, and that there is no statute of limitations.

Agreed.

And I would again emphasize that we don’t know much about how OP engaged with his wife. Maybe he was kind and gentle and gave all the softening in the world to bring these topics up. Lord knows I tended to vent and use dramatic language here that matched my mood at the time of writing more than the mood of the conversation being vented about. If I had posted this and gotten these responses, I would have gone elsewhere.

I do hear you.

Generally though, none of it matters because I don’t really think this is about weight or parenting. I think it’s about marital satisfaction. And I do wonder if that existed at one time, if it’s only been gone since the affair, or what. He has already shared he got her to lose weight once before. It may just be one of those things like blue said, what was acceptable may not be any longer.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:17 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

Quick ask for people to check themselves and see if they are projecting their own insecurities into this.

Or maybe we're just sharing our experiences with a similar brand of criticism and how harmful it can be.

My H doesn't care what I weigh, thank god. I'm not fat, but I am a little fluffy. He thinks I'm attractive at any size and tells me so and shows me often. But I did get a lot of shit in the past for not being the perfect wife in regards to housekeeping, cooking, and frequency of sex. I was pushed to be a housewife and then pushed to bring home a paycheck. Back and forth, no that's not right, I'm not happy, do something different. If only I would get it all right, he could finally be happy. (Gee, I wonder why he wasn't getting laid?)

Well, fuck that. Finally, about five years after DDay, I had had ENOUGH of not being enough for him. I told him "This is it. This is me. Take it or leave it." And I MEANT IT. He knew that I meant it. And everything shifted in that moment. I stopped spending energy and emitting angst trying to be something that I'm not, and he finally started accepting the real me. And it's SO MUCH more peaceful and happy.

You can't control another person. You just can't. You can't make them work out or be a certain size because it's what YOU want them to do. I can't make my H quit smoking cigars, though I've tried and tried, and I bitched but accepted it when he was trying to grow his hair long. It's HIS BODY. He can choose to be a fat slob, and I can choose whether or not I want to be with a fat slob.

Now, I get the anger that OP feels that the APs got the sexier version of his wife. The one that HE pressured her to be, and is pressuring her to be again. The lesson for him here is that he can either accept his wife the way that she is or he can make another choice, but trying to change her so that HE can he happy with how she looks is unfair to her, unhealthy for him, and a recipe for resentment.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 7:54 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

Hey Ghostrider,

Just my few cents worth... Firstly, I feel your pain. I also think the advice many have given to dig deeper into the source of that pain is well worth following. Sorta like how a pain in you shoulder might actually originate in your neck or back.

That said, I would also encourage you to encourage your wife to do some digging of her own if she hasn't already:

But that doesn't change the fact that his wife clearly loathes who she was during the affair and that she can't just take the good but the leave the bad.

As much as you need to uncover the source of your pain, she needs to truly understand exactly what it is that she loathes about herself during the affair. I find it hard to believe that losing weight, or becoming healthier, or sexier in your eyes is it.

I think what you're seeing from your WW is the result of her convinced she is safe at this time from you leaving.

For context, her A’s with multiple OM happened after I had initiated a change in our eating and exercise routines. We both lost considerable weight. I took that opportunity to do triathlons, she decided to begin having A’s.

Now, I get the anger that OP feels that the APs got the sexier version of his wife. The one that HE pressured her to be, and is pressuring her to be again.

I do not read in the opening post that he "pressured" her to lose weight. He said he initiated a healthy lifestyle change. It was my experience in marriage that we largely rose or fell together on such things, so one partner initiating is not the same as pressuring. And maybe my marriage was codependent and unhealthy (fine, no maybes about it), but I’d be willing to guess that it’s not at all uncommon for married couples to influence each other on such matters, even in healthy marriages.
A partner showing the drive, focus, and ability to get in shape but then uses it for the purposes of furthering betrayal and then abandons it when they retreat to the betrayed, that is such a completely legitimate, valid, understandable, real hurt. Even if you don’t want to believe it or don’t like the implications, it’s real. And we should support OP in his declaration of his experience of it.

I do not read in the opening post that he "pressured" her to lose weight. He said he initiated a healthy lifestyle change.

My WW is upset because I told her she weighs too much...

She responded that I shouldn’t bring up her weight...In essence, love her regardless of weight.

And her weight increased.

I'm angry.

when I ask her to get back in shape, she tells me it’s off-limits to discuss.

It’s the irony of being a BS that I share with her my frustration and she critiques it.

I see pressure. 🤷‍♀️

I read it that way too, sacred.

I agree with ink that my h and I often get healthier together. But I don’t think he has ever been angry about it. I have probably bounced between a 20 pound margin most of our marriage with somewhere in the middle being the average. Anger about it translates to me as pressure.

However, I think we are not focusing on the right thing here.

He wants to be pursued. He wants passion. He wants to feel important to his wife. He wants for her to want to impress him. I think most people want those things in marriage, and even more so after being cheated on.

And he hasn’t said - what was their relationship like the first five years after dday? Did she do anything to woo him? Did they talk through these issues? Was there ever a reconciliation? Because if not, no wonder he is angry.

Reconciliation does require the bs to be honest about how they feel, and the ws working to show they are remorseful and all of the things we say around here. But the truth is the marriage will never get better without both spouses feeling accepted, loved, that they can express their needs, etc.

They are not connected. Connection is a term most people see from their own individual standpoint. If my husband is criticizing the way I look, I may not feel as passionate or comfortable during intimacy. If he is angry and thinking I am not a good wife, then I do not felt as positively towards him. And if my wife cheated on me I might just genuinely feel critical and want her to show me something that shows me they love me.

My suspicion is they both want a lot of the same things but do not know how to communicate and foster the connection.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:05 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

However, I think we are not focusing on the right thing here.
He wants to be pursued. He wants passion. He wants to feel important to his wife. He wants for her to want to impress him.

It’s very possible you are right, my experience certainly aligns with that. But we should probably let OP come to that conclusion, and up to this point he’s made some more specific complaints rather than that broader one. And I think he should be allowed either.

So OP, after all that, how are you feeling? What rings true with you?

Well said, h/o. I agree.

It’s very possible you are right, my experience certainly aligns with that. But we should probably let OP come to that conclusion, and up to this point he’s made some more specific complaints rather than that broader one. And I think he should be allowed either.

Yes, he is allowed to say he wants a divorce, he is allowed to feel how he feels, but if he this is what he wants to focus on he is VERY unlikely to get the results he wants from her. That is the problem.

We need to steer him towards solutions that will actually work. Telling your wife she needs to lose weight and being angry that she doesn’t isn’t going to empower anyone. It’s going to make the situation worse. She is going to be closed off from him and he is going to be more isolated. That’s the problem.

I would recommend saying, let’s make time as a couple to take walks together. Talk to each other on them, try and enjoy each others company. The walking will energize her and the talking will help them connect. And for OP to look deeper than this on what it is he wants and needs.

You can divorce someone because you are no longer attracted to them. That’s fair. But if he is trying to stay married and wants his wife to make him priority, then they have to figure out how they can love and accept one another and foster a connection. Telling her she needs to lose weight is getting him the opposite of what he wants.

The women in this thread are not feeding this from their own insecurities. We are all saying no woman in their right mind would be responsive to what he is saying.

Imagine for a moment a male ws coming here aand saying " I am trying to reconcile with my wife but she wants me to get hair implants." Or says he needs to lose weight so his penis will look bigger. Or she wants him to get a Job making six figures. These are not things you require in a reconciliation just because he is the ws. Instead we would be saying “well, that doesn’t sound like she loves you for you”

A reconciliation is based on that person working on being a safe partner and leasing the change on a loving, intimate connected relationship.

And a normal reconciliation should eventually just be considered a marriage. It sounds like they really didn’t reconcile nd they just stayed married. Well you can expect those resentments from him to manifest as a result.

So the only sane answer is either go though the reconciliation process, and if you have done that and not was good for a whilethen you need to both brush up in your communication/relationship skills. I also do no not think I, as a ws, am required to put more in my marriage than he does forever.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:27 AM, Friday, September 6th]

I’m going to say that I am in agreement with the OP. I would be bothered if my spouse lost weight, looked great then had an affair and then gained weight again and did nothing about it.

And I would probably say something too.

Because I have to say why does the AP get the better version of my spouse? My H did not communicate with me over the years and I was ok with it. But when I saw the emails and texts and deep conversations he had with the OW I was very angry.

He had the energy to invest in someone but not me.

So I’m sorry - I agree with the OP that it’s irritating the cheater will bend over backwards for the AP but not the spouse.

I am in agreement with first post InkHulk posted. This is so accurate.

When they go to cheat they will be nice take effort to look good do the hair, perfum do more sexy stuff and go all in for the f...ing AP but when back to poor guy they will be boring AF. Of course I will get angry.

Some comments I saw in the forum blames the poor victim the betrayed person I'm not surprised because most of us I.e. the betrayed people think from our ass being to naive stupid and pathetic which in a way contributed to our own missory somehow.

The man have every right to get upset and comment about her weight of the way she looks. This is normal if you're betrayed these feelings are normal.

I pray all of us get healed. Its just sad 😔

I am going to chime in here.

I remember thinking it was so odd that all of the sudden MY H who NEVER cared about what he looked like, hasn't had new clothes really since highschool and has been overweight all of the sudden started spending tons of time in the shower and had the hair on his body groomed differently.

Looking back I SHOULD have known something was up, he shaved his face which I hated, he shaved the hair on his belly and chest, I also hated it and he tried SO hard to look like what I would call a $5 porn star.

I always loved my H fluffy, hairy, and himself. I WOULD NEVER want my H to be like what he was during A season EVER again, I am the odd one out here but where I can relate to ghost rider is that my H put more effort in to trying to be something SHE WANTED, or what she thought he wanted, he had no idea that I didn't like his stomach shaved until after his A when he kept cutting it,I told him he looked 12. He stopped shaving it then and hasn't shaved his face since because I love his beard and he knows that I FIND that attractive.

I have also talked to him about his eating habits and asked him to bring it up to his therapist because I don't find it healthy, not because of the weight but because of his health and horrible coping mechanisms, and he brought it up.

I agree with others, there is a bigger picture here, it is about the EFFORT that is put in to be the best version of themselves and to put as MUCH effort into themselves as they did during their A even if it means a "different effort" it is still A LARGE amount of effort regardless.

I also understand depression and weight gain/loss too so maybe that could be leading her to weight gain, I think a very transparent conversation should take place. A or not, she is still human and she could be struggling mentally, just because she had an A doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings.

I have a hard time putting in words my insecurities or being jealous if the effort my H made to be with is AP , the sneaking around, the prioritizing, making her feel like number one, all of that and when those thoughts come through my mind I also can get very mean and insensitive because I am hurting so I can see and feel the pain behind this post. There is so much more there and instead it is hidden behind the weight gain, that is just the tip of the iceberg.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 1:11 AM, Friday, September 6th]

I’m curious about the original title. A statute of limitations on what? Like is there a point where you can’t decide that the affair was a deal breaker or that your spouse is not putting forth the effort that you expect?

The answer to that is no.
As a betrayed spouse you should be setting the expectations for reconciliation. The fact that there is a topic that is "off limits" is really concerning to me.

As a wayward I did gain a lot of weight after the affair during our rugsweep years as a misguided attempt at making myself "safe" for my BH. The thing is that none of the things we were doing while not dealing with the affair were healthy or resulting in a better marriage.

At some point you have to put your chips on the table and ask for what you really need in the reconciliation. If what you need is for her to lose the weight you should be allowed to ask for that. She can still say no. Then you at least know where you stand.

Only thing I would add/change to my original post is that the BH should honestly communicate what he needs to stay in the relationship and then move on.

If she then decides she needs to step up and deliver on what he needs, then he can decide if it's enough for him. I wouldn't recommend at this point waiting around to see if it happens.

It sounds like she truly doesn't care if he stays or goes. But if he is just gonna sit around stewing, she's not gonna leave but she's also not going to be the person she was for the AP or something even more than that if she doesn't have to in order for him to stay.

I'm writing because I'm sensitive about my own weight - IOW, I'm copping to 'projecting.'

Only thing I would add/change to my original post is that the BH should honestly communicate what he needs to stay in the relationship....

I'd add to that just: and stay if your partner delivers and move on if they won't. If weight loss is a real requirement, that's enough to drive the D/R choice - but I don't think the OP wants just that. In fact, the OP may not really want that if his WS delivers on what he really does want..

...I had initiated a change in our eating and exercise routines.

If he's saying he did it for himself, great. If he's saying he and his WS both freely chose to do that, great. If he's saying he initiated a health maintenance routines for her to follow, I'm concerned.

If my W had made losing weight a requirement for R, I'd have had to choose D - there was no way I'd guarantee losing weight. I did - and lost over 15% of my body weight between 2000 and d-day, but I gained a lot back in 2011-2015.

Maybe OP's comment/concern about his W's weight was a good insight into what he wants; maybe not.

Weight, especially when concerning women is truly the third rail. Touch it at your own peril, but yet I think your thinking that she should make as much an effort with you as she did with AP is valid.

I had my own issues that I put forth, especially in my early posts that AP got the best version, even if it was for a few weeks. She worked out like a dog, but even worse the length she went to grooming wise was beyond what she had ever done for me. Make up and hair perfect, and shaving wise, not a piece of stubble.

After she fell to crap. Quit the gym after I asked how many times her trainer was in our bed, of course I had no proof and pretty sure never happened. She started drinking lots of wine, ate like crap, and gained like 15 or 20 pounds. She however was in a no win situation. When she did make the effort to dress up, I barely acknowledged it. This was in my early days of being a complete dick.

As a wayward I did gain a lot of weight after the affair during our rugsweep years as a misguided attempt at making myself "safe" for my BH.

This also hit home for me as it was explained by a few WW that they did the same thing.

The thing is in your case she has gotten into good shape. If she was really motivated she could do it again. I did it. I was a kind of dad body guy. Had a huge number of business dinners and lunches, traveled, and didn’t exercise very much. After the affair I dedicated myself to fitness. Started lifting, intermittent fasting, eating healthy. I went from a belt size that was a tight 36, to a 32. Took awhile, but I was motivated. Her AP was in good shape and I harbored visions of kicking his ass.

I’m probably really touching the rail here, but obesity should not happen unless there is some sort of physical reason. The solution is pretty straightforward. Start doing exercise like walking, graduate to strength training, and don’t eat so damn much. I’m not a big advocate of drugs, but for those who really need help the ozampics and such could be a tool.

I would be firm in your resolve and let her know. If she is truly concerned about losing you, it might be the motivation she needs

First, I don't think it's fair of us to infer-- just based on the information in this post alone-- that OP's WW is indifferent about whether he divorces her or is too comfortable in the idea that he won't. For me to make that statement, I would need to know a little bit more about their situation and her post-Dday behavior.

Second, when you're (and I'm using the universal "you" here, not specifically the OP) asking someone to do something that takes considerable focus and commitment-- like lose a considerable amount of weight and get fit-- what are you asking them to sacrifice and, more importantly, what are you willing to do to facilitate that process?

For example, if you want your wife to lose weight, are you willing to get the kids ready in the morning and make their breakfast so she has that time to work out? Are you willing to take over shopping and meal prep? Are you OK with her going out for a run when you would normally cuddle on the couch and watch a movie?

Or are you going to turn around and complain that she's falling short of her parental responsibilities, that her housekeeping is subpar, and she's not spending as much time with you as you would like... precisely because sshe's added "get back in shape" to the top of her already very long list of commitments?

Third, one thing I've learned as a long-time user on SI is that the only thing that is almost as bad as a WS not doing to the work or trying to help their BS at all is just mindlessly acquiescing to whatever a BS demands. This approach almost always builds resentment on the part of the WS and, if the BS still doesn't feel happy or healed, both parties feel demoralized and exasperated.

For example, there was a WW who got breast implants at her BH's request (even though she was happy with her figure). Afterward, her BH got triggered every time men made unsolicited comments about her boobs, so that became a point of contention in their marriage. There's also the WH who, at his BW's insistence, spends his entire work day on the phone with her so she can monitor his every interaction and activity... and she's still anxious and miserable, even though he's doing nothing wrong.

In both cases, the couples would've better been served by the WS saying no to the BS... and then working together at finding a solution to the problem or approach to rebuilding their marriage that would've worked for both of them.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:13 PM, Friday, September 6th]