SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As a BS,

I had offered WH reconciliation because I felt it was my duty as a human being.

As DDays continued to occur, I realized my gift was worthless to him

It took his hiding a coworker from me at a company holiday party that pounded the final nail into our marriage coffin.

I realized I had endured blatant disrespect, disregard, and abandonment in my marriage.

It is up to ME to get clear of it

Without him because he doesn’t have the capacity to fix his shit

And that’s ok

So I am investing, saving, and planning to leave, buy real estate, and include him in nothing.

I won’t divorce because I need my health insurance coverage, but I won’t live the lie of being his wife

20yrs, Sorry it's come to this point but you sound strong and clear about how to move ahead and take care of yourself. You can leave knowing you gave him every opportunity to get his act together.

@20BS - You sound strong and sure, and the path you have ahead of you seems very well considered and planned. I wish I had your strength.

And I completely agree, it's up to us to get clear of it.

For the first time in a long time, I went pain shopping last night. Found that he's still friends with the AP on FB, and that his most recent FB post from yesterday? "For lent, I'm giving up monogamy". He likes to think of himself as a controversial comedian, puts things out there to get a reaction. Wanted to do stand up. But never had the balls to do anything about it. In fact for his birthday once, I got him a session at an improv class. He did it, never went back. So lazy. I can now see that it is all part of him getting that external validation. Used to love it when he missed a poker game, and then the following week, his friends would say "it wasn't as fun / good / entertaining without you here last week." Made him feel like the man. Ugh.

I also learned he's limited what I can see on his FB as the most recent thing I can see is November. He must have done that right after we were communicating again. He used to always have an open profile, was quite proud of the fact. But clearly there are things he doesn't want me to see. I had a friend who is still 'friends' with xWBF to take a look. My friend has now de-friended him at my request. My account is deactivated. I logged back in after finding out about the trip, in a spiral episode. My account is once again deactivated.

Proves to me again that he was lying to me in October when he said he was no longer in contact with her. I told him in November (before I went back into NC and was considering re-opening the door) that if he ever had contact with her ever again, that was it. Game over.

Also reminds me that I need to stop looking. I need to stop expending my energy on wondering what he's doing. As my BFF of over 30 years said to me today in a text:

"When you say 'how does he get to swan off and have a life', technically the only thing holding you back now, is you. You've had time to process and come to terms with the situation, so the only thing holding you back from moving on with your life is your mindset."

That really rang true and I'm thinking a lot about that today.

I also attended a webinar today on the Better Health platform about getting over infidelity. I wanted to punch the screen as it seemed to me to be so focused on being fair, that the cheating side of the equation was given equal weight. I got chastised for referring to cheaters as "broken" in the chat, as there were cheaters on there and I needed to be respectful.

Screw that. There was one person on there who has cheated but hasn't told his partner. Wants to "keep the burden to myself". I was glad to see I wasn't the only one telling them to man up and tell his partner. Not sure I'll be attending another webinar like that on that platform again.

You are probably all sick and tired of hearing from me now :-)

Hopefully we all have some fun / self-care plans for this weekend.

OOL - FUCK that platform. It's not helpful to provide the false equivalency bullshit. It just further and re-traumatizes the BS.

Would we say that about a rapist? no. Would we say that about a wife beater? no

Cuz IMHO, that's exactly what a cheater is doing... raping (cuz we were not given the crucial info to give INFORMED consent to sex during their A(s) ) and emotionally beating us (aka ABUSING us, and I've said this a ton - I'd have rather he'd have punched me in the nose than had an A). Listen to some Omar Minwalla and put that even the hint of that shit right the fuck out of your mind.

Can they change? Sure. Does that mean they aren't held accountable for it? Absofuckinglutely NOT.

OOL - I agree fuck any platform that is sympathetic to cheaters. And you and I both need a lesson on how to stop pain shopping...it’s hurting ourself all over again.

20yrs - stay strong and on your path to be free of infidelity.

This crap is hard and heartbreaking. I did my own pain shopping today and unfortunately my MIL texted me in the midst of it.

And in my anger at my WH, when she asked how I was...I finally told the truth. I am not okay and I won’t be okay for a long time. I told her I had found out too much disturbing things about WH after he passed that I won’t be healed for a long time.

I have never said anything like that before....I have only told her what she wanted to hear...kids are fine...I am fine. All lies. And I am so damn tired of the lies. I never asked for this and never deserved any of this.

She then asked me what I had learned. And against his brothers and my sister in laws wishes....I told her everything. They likely won’t speak to me again.

But it’s been building in me for a long time. I resent my WH and all he did....I resent that because he died “early” he is remembered as this “great” husband and father. It wasn’t fair what he put us through and it’s not fair he gets to be remembered like he wasn’t the person who stomped on my heart, serial cheated for years and destroyed our life together. I resent that I have to pretend to be this grieving widow around my MIL...pretend like what he did never happened. They Toasted him at Christmas. I get they are grieving and have pain...but it’s incredibly hard to swallow my hurt and anger and pretend all of the time he was so great.

Sorry for the vent but I just needed to get this out of me. I have that sick hurt feeling in my chest again...like a broken heart. Today everything feels fresh and raw again.

She never responded to me...nothing...crickets. I know what I told her hurt her today but in truth, it wasn’t me that hurt her...it was my WH. If he wasn’t such a shit...I wouldn’t be in this position. I really do feel bad that what he did hurts the ones who loved him most, but I also truly feel why should I have to continue to lie and cover for him just because he died. I hate secrets...it’s not who I am. Secrets eat away at my soul.

20yrsagoBS, I recall that you posted about your WS asking you to Not Throw Him Away. My WS said the exact same thing to me only recently.

I moved out of our family home almost 2 years ago and my WS still believes that I will take him back into my life. (That’s if he makes a recovery from his cancer. He still has a while to go with treatment.)

Doing the right and decent thing by another person in this case, the WH has been detrimental to my health. Helping WH With clearing out the house has been toxic to me and the more time I spent in my old house the sicker I became. And taking him to his treatments hasn’t helped me. He’s doing better, he’s thriving. I really do feel like he has sucked the life from me.

Helping another doesn’t always make us feel better about ourselves.

I don’t feel bad about resenting him either. I don’t feel good about helping him. I don’t feel bad about pushing him away again in order to save myself once again.

My marriage was over before it ever began. Divorce really means nothing to me now. It’s irrelevant. We will stay legally married but we are not husband and wife. Never were and never will be.

Lady G - I hear you. Caregiving for someone who hurts you over and over is beyond hard. Cancer alone is hard but through in infidelity...it’s a daily uphill battle. Doing what’s right doesn’t mean it’s always easy. I did what I did for my WH for my kids and because I felt it was the right thing to do.

I wasn’t myself in those months and months of caring for him (especially if I was triggering) and it tested my compassion. But I don’t regret it. But if it’s sucking the life out of you, it’s okay to think of yourself and take care of yourself and walk away.

And I also always knew how (and kind of when) my story was going to end. If circumstances were different and my Wh knew he was going to recover or battle for years and years...I don’t think I would have had it in me to stay. But I can only speak for me.

Please take care of yourself...get sleep, eat and take mental breaks. Infidelity makes us need self care but being a caregiver does also.

TA999. I know that the truthtelling wasn't easy, and I REALLY hope you are able to incorporate your head & heart on this front (ie telling MIL), bc:

it wasn’t me that hurt her...it was my WH.

IMHO, that is the TRUTH. You were nothing more than a messenger WRT your MIL. It was your WH's actions that created the problem.

it wasn’t me that hurt her...it was my WH.

it wasn’t me that hurt her...it was my WH.

it wasn’t me that hurt her...it was my WH.

Sounds like a really good mantra to me.

Godspeed....

GMC - thank you I needed to hear that today. My MIL never called me or messaged me back...I should have expected that but it still hurts. My own Mom passed away around the time WH started cheating....I miss her. I miss being able to call her.

There was a time years ago I thought my MIL really loved me...but just like how Dday opens your eyes to your spouse...it did the same for me and my MIL. Now all I can see is the disfunction and the passive aggressive behaviours in her. Her backhanded compliments that were really insults...offers to help when I knew she really had no intention of helping me or real desire to help, instead she would offer to make herself look good and feel better about herself. And when my WH was really sick....she was at my house for hours every other day. She just came and sat for hours and hours. That in itself wore on me.

I know his cancer wasn’t about me...and she was losing her child but I needed support too. My kids needed support. Like then...she never admitted to herself that he was dying...and now she tells people she pretends WH is away on a vacation.

She asks how we are but wants no honest truth in our answers...she asks because it makes her feel better about herself. She doesn’t want to know my son has harm ocd because of his father or that my daughter is on Prozac and sleeps in her dads shirts...that I am heartbroken. Rather that face the pain of truth she rather deny and pretends everything is fine...their whole family is like that. I think it’s learned behaviour from their childhoods.

20yrs is right....it’s up to me to get clear this.

And yes my new mantra.... it wasn’t me that hurt her...it was my WH.

Nothing I said or did caused this...couldn’t control it and couldn’t fix it.

TA99,

It’s so harsh to see family in the bright light that truth reveals.

They can use the opportunity to sink or swim. WH’s family think I am too resentful of the affairs and lying, as if he is a saint

Well, he isn’t. Neither are tgey

@TA999 - again, I'm in awe of you and your bravery. You did not do this to your MIL. You telling her was you telling her about your life. It was just that it was her son that caused the trauma in your life. I can't imagine she didn't know him for who he was really, but wanted to preserve his memory out of self-preservation. How can anyone be ok with knowing their child has caused that amount of harm to another person. Even though she hasn't got back to you, that is not the important part - I really hope that by telling her, and getting it out of there, you are getting rid of the poison. Holding onto something like that is just toxic, so I'm sure that now it's out there, it's another step on the healing path for you.

For some reason, I just cannot get my brain off thinking about my xWBF and what he is doing on this trip with his friend. The one friend he has. That was always a difference with us as I have so many friends, and I love making new ones. I didn't see much of them when we were together. Hmm. Something to think about. As my therapist says, he's still the same person who couldn't give you what he needed, who betrayed you, who only has one friend, who is back (or at least was in October) on daily MJ use to cope, who is selfish, who lives in a practically empty bachelor pad. Just because he's out and about, doesn't change that. He's still not and won't be a safe partner for you.

It's that damn sense of justice. I am so ready to be at a place of indifference. I want to stop tying my sense of self worth to him and his actions / behaviour. Most of the time, I do that just fine. At the moment, ugh, it's difficult. My brain doesn't want to listen.

In other news, the kids mum reached out to me to let me know that a) the son has been accepted to one of his colleges of choice with a HUGE scholarship and b) that she's found a house to buy and they will move into it on March 12th. I appreciated the reach out. She also reassured me that she will always support my relationship with the kids and that they in no way think I've abandoned them. I did hear from the daughter as well and got a chance to tell her that I will always be there for her if she ever wants to reach out, and that I love her.

Where it got all surreal was when their mum spent the next hour texting me like I was her best friend - telling me all about what has happened with her and her ex fiancé, sharing her pain /suffering etc. It felt cruel to cut her off but I - in no way - want to encourage that. Selfishly, I am not interested in being her friend. I just want her to help me maintain the relationship with the kids.

TA. Good for you. I am proud of you. Your MIL is likely processing this.

Your family members don’t have to live with the pain. They don’t know what it is like.

I find secrets and lying intolerable.

I hope you feel some relief. My husband gave his family a one sentence description. I hurt my wife because I had an affair.

He didn’t just hurt me..

He made me a co-conspirer in his shame. A keeper of his secrets to protect my kids. A weight lifter in his guilt. A repairer of his mistakes. The symbol of his unhappiness. A failure. And a statistic.

I SUPPORT YOU. You did what you needed.

Hugs.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 8:34 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]

Girls. I have been online dating. Or chatting rather.

A man I have been chatting with wants to buy me a computer. I nearly fell on the floor when he said it. I think he means it, I am very uncomfortable. I have said no twice. He still wants to do this.

I have never met him.

And This feels wrong.

Any experience out there?

I don’t think I can trust this. He is asking for my last name so I can pick it up from the store. I thought he was a real person, and kinda still do. But this feels over the top.

What is wrong with Starbucks?

I can’t thank you all for your support...I have been second guessing my decision to tell her but it has eaten away at me for months and months. His whole family lives their lives on superficial bullshit...just like my WH did also. Never having any “hard” or true conversations...that’s why when he died...he never even had even one heart to to heart conversation with my kids. He left them with nothing. Sure, financially we’re okay (he never added much in that department anyway), but emotionally he never helped them with coping with losing him.

OOL - I am so glad for you that the Ex reached out to you. But you are right to keep your boundaries...keep your talks with her about the kids.

Tallgirl - I had demanded WH tell his mom about his affair...after weeks of seeing her almost every day...he said nothing to her. I had to do it...I only knew about the first affair at the time and I was still in the mindset that I had somehow caused all of this. Looking back now, I know that’s crazy. Point is...my WH was a coward and couldn’t face what he did.

And as far as dating...up front...I zero experience. But that sounds way off base. When I read what you wrote...it brings to mind catfishing. He is reeling you in and I don’t think anyone normal buys a computer for someone they have not met. Even if they are a real person...it still feels “off”. I truly hope I am wrong. Regardless, I would be very, very careful...and Starbucks is a perfect suggestion and text a friend before you go and have them text you when you are there to check in. Keep us posted.

TG, I see red flags, too. Too much, too soon. He could be a nice person, but... He could be expecting something in return.

A man I have been chatting with wants to buy me a computer.

I may have an overactive imagination, but I can see all sorts of trouble, from him having spyware on there that records every keystroke, thereby giving him access to your bank accounts and personal messages, cameras that can record you in the room, or simply his ability to remotely use your computer and location to commit cybercrimes elsewhere with the trail leading to you, not him.

TG... Ew. Just ew. That would be a huge fuck no for me. And I'd thank him for his time and block his ass too. Honestly just creepy.

Ugh. I'm irritated af right now. I usually go into the office on Tuesdays. Well last week it was really cold and my car heater is not working so I asked my boss if she minded me skipping my office day and working from home, which she was fine with. Well that was a god shot for sure cus the entire dept now has covid. The big boss sent an email to the managers to relay to their teams that "anyone who comes to the office if they're sick will fave disciplinary action" and talking about how irresponsible it is to go to work sick during a pandemic. And yet NO communication has gone out about the fact that there's 4 known cases of covid in the office. And Lord only knows how many other people were exposed last week.

I'm ready to get vaccinated so I can stop being germophobic.

Tallgirl, Ew! Red flag! run away!

I read a book years ago that I had to go buy and reference always and shared with my kids...

Gavin Debecker's the gift of fear. Its about people who have survived horrific violent events at the hands of psychopaths, but it is a study of the traits and tricks they use to manipulate people to get what they want. The first and biggest is discounting your no.

Anytime a person discounts your no and tries to continue to push and reason or just bulldoze ahead, we often let them because we are nice. Do not be nice. I would be brutally honest and tell him the pushy offer of an inappropriate gift at this stage is concerning to you.

Anyway, not saying he's a psychopath, just saying I read your post and Gavin's list jumped into my head and I wanted to say Run, far and fast!!

Good on you for getting out there though. I truly believe there are enough good ones to go around, they are just hard to find. Good luck!

Tall Girl:

I second the recommendation (for all of us) to read Gavin De Becker's book The Gift of Fear. It is life changing.

100% do not engage anymore with Mr. Computer Giver. Many many red flags as others have wisely pointed out. But also good for you for getting out there AND having the sense to hit pause with him when your gut had questions. Asking for your last name is a huge red flag. In today's world, that should be your call in your own time. For the women in my life who are dating as adults, they all say they drive themselves to the date for the first 3-5 times. They don't give our last names, where they live, names of kids, where they work or went to school etc...

Call me also paranoid but I agree with the insight that if there really is a computer for you, the chances of him having spyware on it are very high.

Again, you have done nothing wrong or been specially picked out by him. He's a scammer and a really bad seed. He will do this until someone who is not listening to their gut plays along.

Good for you for getting out there to date. There are many nice men and you will find one.

She then asked me what I had learned. And against his brothers and my sister in laws wishes....I told her everything. They likely won’t speak to me again.

Getting on here late but, TA999, congrats on your bravery in telling your MIL the truth. I truly believe we have to clean house after experiences like this, protecting her, protecting his reputation etc don't serve you. Having her and his family in your life may very well not be what you need to heal and thrive.