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Hi BlackRaven, sorry you’re here.

My WH frequented sex workers. Totally emotionless. Never saw the same one twice. Opportunistic - definitely. A form of escapism - sure. But intended to hurt me - I don’t think so. He never thought he would get found out.

Thanks for your replies. I notice #outofsorts that you are reconciling. Do you mind my asking how that's going. How did you forgive and trust your wayward spouse again?

I still can't get the images out of my head - so a lot of it seems very far off.

Hi BlackRaven,

I notice #outofsorts that you are reconciling. Do you mind my asking how that's going. How did you forgive and trust your wayward spouse again?

I am about 17 months out and overall I think it is going well. And by saying that I mean that this is easily the hardest thing I have ever done.

In a sense I am "lucky" because I essentially got the entire truth on dday so I didn't have to deal with trickle truth. WH has also never blamed me and has been trying very hard to make amends for what he has done. We also happened upon a fantastic Marriage Counselor through just pure chance - WH's EAP set up the initial contact.

I am still struggling mightily with the rollercoaster and COVID-19 has not helped that at all. My work situation is now just awful and I think is contributing to my triggers related to WH's cheating.

Here is probably the best example I can give related to my current mental state. WH and I go on a 4-5 day camping trip with friends every year. We just got back from this year's trip yesterday. Last year I was 5 months out from dday and miserable and struggling with pain the entire trip. This year I was great for the first three days: so happy, in such a good mood, so glad that I was doing so much better than last year during the same trip. And then - boom - the pain returns and I was miserable again and trapped for the last two days. I felt like I had taken about six steps backwards all the way into last year and was devastated.

At this point our MC is saying that I need to be willing to take the next step, trust WH a bit more and be willing to be more vulnerable - particularly with relying on WH to help me emotionally through the work situation. This is a struggle - some days it seems doable and others (like the past two days) it seems impossible. So trust is still hard, opening up is still hard.

As for forgiveness. At this point I think the only thing holding me back from "forgiving" WH is the fact that I feel like what he has done shouldn't be forgiveable. In other words, my own shame is essentially what is holding me back from forgiving and I feel like I need to figure out how to work through that. Side note - If anyone else has gone through this I would love to hear about it because I definitely need help here!

I still can't get the images out of my head - so a lot of it seems very far off.

That is not fun at all. I think everyone or almost everyone goes through this. Personally I asked for almost no details on the sex / hand jobs at all because I didn't think I would ever be able to get them out of my head and I still went through months of the visualizations. It has gotten much better as time has passed.

BlackRaven - You are just a few months out and in such a difficult place. How has everything been going for you?

You are just a few months out and in such a difficult place. How has everything been going for you?

Thanks for asking. Some days I'm just numb. Some days there's a knife through my gut from the pain, some days I feel affection, and some days I feel resentment and rage.

I'm away for several weeks visiting family, which is stressful itself. WH is very remorseful and this has all exposed that he was acting on his addictive behaviors. So the focus has been on his recovery, and not on our marriage, which kind of leaves me in limbo.

He's entering an inpatient treatment program next month for six weeks. I could be pleased with that, but it just reminds me that he did a 90 day inpatient program in 2004, and if he'd actually faced his demons then and done some recovery work when he got out, then there wouldn't have been ANY affairs, let alone four. And we wouldn't have had 16 years of marriage where I felt isolated and invisible, (which is standard for the spouse of an addict - I just didn't know it until recently. It's mea culpa there, as I didn't do much reading on the topic since I thought he'd done so well in treatment and it was all behind him. But he's very high functioning and I'm not much of a co-dependent, so I didn't see it happening, and neither did the ICs or the MCs we saw over the years)

I figure I won't know who he is or what the possibility for R is until he's done with treatment, and in the meantime, I have 2 months to figure out who I am and what I might want.

I'm happy to hear people's thoughts.

BlackRaven, I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I know how much this sucks. You have a good plan to use that time he's away to figure out what you want your life to look and feel like. I'm no good at all with advice for reconciling with an SA or serial cheater, so I can't speak on that. I'm notoriously pro-getting out of that agonizing drama and creating a life of peace. Just make sure you take care of you. R does not depend on what he does alone. It is about what you want for your life. You get to be selfish as hell right now.

So the focus has been on his recovery, and not on our marriage, which kind of leaves me in limbo.

That is a tough place to be in... I hope that focusing on yourself for the next two months helps! Because the focus deserves to be on you.

I also think it might be possible that focusing on yourself will make you feel worse initially. I could definitely be way off base here but don't be surprised if you notice this. Here was my experience, which admittedly, was never as bad or as long-lasting as it sounds like yours has been in this sense:

a.) initially after dday the focus was still on wh as he dealt with other repercussions of his infidelity (legal and work) - and as off-the-charts awful as I was feeling at that time things likely would have been worse without those distractions, and did continue to get worse as those other repercussions were dealt with

b.) dealing with covid and my work situation has been temporarily taking the focus off of my trauma / healing (and then I'll be pulled back to my healing and then back to covid / work situation) and while this is a nice respite when it happens it always seems to leave me initially worse off than I was prior to the distractions.

On another note, have you listened to the "Helping Couples Heal" podcast? Or listened to the two podcast episodes mentioned on this thread:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617809&HL=70701

I think those are both great resources for understanding exactly what betrayal trauma does to you - whether or not you choose to stay married.

Thanks outofsorts

On another note, have you listened to the "Helping Couples Heal" podcast? Or listened to the two podcast episodes mentioned on this thread:

I haven't but I will. And I agree the pandemic makes it a lot harder. There are fewer distractions, fewer outlets, harder to spend time with supportive people.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 9:53 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

Can any WSs explain why a WS would plead, beg, sob etc for another chance when they haven't stopped cheating and have no real intention of stopping?

My STBX is a SA, so that may not be everyone's experience but maybe there's some crossover. He will literally do anything to get me back except stop cheating. It's so perplexing to me. He knows he can't keep a double life anymore after all the ddays or he should know that. I'm not a lot of fun what with the trauma, triggers, depression and anxiety he gifted me with, not to mention the lack of sex and happy companionship. So why? Why is tripping over himself to get me back. Every attempt to reconcile is met with more cheating, more triggering, more lies. I kick him out - he stays quietly gone briefly and within a week or two commences begging again.

Why would you want to live that way? Are WSs just so delusional that they believe they can get their BS to trust them again when they aren't doing the work? Why would you want your BS back anyway - you obviously didn't think that highly of them during the marriage and now they're just puddles of snot and pain. Why wouldn't you start over alone or with some sparkly new toy?

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 6:35 PM, September 28th (Monday)]

Easy answer. Because that fucked up relationship that you ran away from was working just fine for them.

Thanks Dee - it's crazy to me. I actually meant to post this in the questions for WSs thread. Curious as to what they will say.

I think it's nearly impossible to understand if you're not the type to do it. He wants the marriage and the cheating. He is fine with that arrangement. You are the bad guy for not letting him have that. His mind really is that messed up.

Yes, all true, I'm sure. But he must know that in persisting on this path he's effectively choosing divorce? That's why the cry babying and begging astound me. He knows it's either/or. He can't fool me anymore. He doesn't even try very hard to fool me. He just somehow expects I'll start trusting him for no reason? The gig is up, so go away and find some other rube.

I can’t imagine how anyone that has posted to this thread had no reaction to the Atlanta massage parlor murders. I have an intense dislike of the places! Do I think they should be killed? No, of course not. Do I think they should be shut down? Yes!

Hi everyone, this thread has been quiet lately so I thought I’d check in. Sadly I’m now posting in the divorce/separation forum.

Hi Perdita,

I just went and looked at your recent posts. Man, your WH sounds like he is being a JackAss!!! I got angry just reading your posts.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of that and that your WH didn't realize what a lucky man he was that you were even willing to try to reconcile with him.

How are you doing now Perdita?

(((hugs)))

Hi outofsorts, thanks for the support. I finally told my sister about the divorce (although not about the cheating) at the end of last week and the relief I felt that she wasn’t completely overwhelmed carried me through the weekend on a kind of high. Now though I’ve crashed and am back to fear, nausea and tearfulness. Thank goodness I have an IC appointment tomorrow.

bump

I am so happy to see this thread back open...I am really hoping there are more out there like me! My WH had an anonymous online affair that transitioned to texting/phone calls. The thing about his A that makes it so different than most stories I have read is that he never knew this girls name, she never knew his. She asked him so many times (I saw all the texts, yes even the gut wrenching ones) and he would never give it to her and kept things almost business like? While I am grateful there were never ILY's exchanged or anything with any emotion, sometimes I struggle with that in a weird way. We are both in IC and R is going better than I could have imagined. Just looking for others like me

Glad to see this thread exists!

I recently discovered my partners years-long escort habit and I am feeling ALL THE FEELINGS. im horrified, disgusted, saddened, hurt, scared, angry, and numb all at once.

I don't know what to do next. He is taking 100% responsibility for his actions and has already begun therapy for sexual compulsion / addiction and trauma recovery (I know for a fact that he was a horrifically abused child, which I assume plays a large role in this?) HOWEVER, he has lied to me for so long that I am having trouble even believing this narrative. He gets caught cheating and SUDDENLY he has this deep dark secret? SUDDENLY he wants to get help? He keeps reiterating that he thought I would "never find out".

he is so ashamed. he cries every day and begs me to stay. I know he loves me and not these random women, but how can you love someone and do this to them?? I can't wrap my mind around that.

I Feel like I don't even know this man anymore. Was anything we had even real?

I am so sorry that you're going through this, SecretsOut. I know how awful this is. I also had the greatest husband, super sweet guy, no one would have believed he would cheat, had a bad childhood, etc. It seems this is a pretty common thing amongst those who are serial cheaters/sex addicts.

Was any of it real? Probably not in the same way that it was real for us, no. I think in my case, my XWH was high on me for a while. When my high wore off, he carried on with the prostitutes and whomever else he could hook up with. I think he loved me, but not in a healthy way. He loved me like you love a drug or your house or your car or something else that is useful to you, but not like a separate human being. The respect part was clearly missing. His mask was very very good. I think he behaved as the person he wished he was with me and his real self when he wasn't with me. I was good for an image. He thinks he loved me, but only because he cannot conceive of what it really means to love someone.

I read your thread and I get the idea that you're in the stage of obsessing over who he really is and while that is totally normal, try to step back a bit from that. You're full of compassion for him and I get it, my XWH is truly a tragic figure as well. That compassion can function as a trap. Be careful of it. The person who deserves your compassion right now is you, not him. People who hurt and betray their partners this way have not earned our compassion.

It's very hard for the mind to comprehend that this is the same person we married. It makes no sense when it all comes out, does it? It's very surreal and I swear it gives us brain damage. It takes a little while to wrap our heads around it and when you do start to get some clarity about this, you will likely experience a rage like you've never known. Don't resist it, embrace that anger because that anger is a result of the love you have for yourself. It's the righteous anger of the betrayed and it can help you separate yourself from the lies, pity party and victim crap you'll hear from your WH. Just about all of them turn victim the moment they're busted. Mine also sobbed and cried and etc. It's going to be hard for you to believe right now, but none of those tears have anything whatsoever to do with you. Not one tear is about your pain. Your pain is not yet even a consideration. Even his recovery stuff is keeping him and his pain central in this. You'll be shuttled off as "collateral damage". Nah, don't accept that. You are a lot more than mere "collateral damage". This trauma is profound. You are the only victim in this situation.

But you might say "but he is damaged and was hurt and etc" and yes, no doubt he was. Every single person who rapes, physically assaults, verbally assaults, murders, lies, cheats and steals has a reason that they turned out that way. Many of those reasons are heartbreaking. They don't nullify or excuse the crimes.

If he is a true sex addict, that's not a great prognosis. Few of them truly recover. You'll never be able to relax in this marriage again. You'll always know that he can act out again at any point and you now know how very good he is at living a lie. He's a master class at manipulation. I thought my XWH was a horrible liar but now I wonder if even that wasn't a manipulation, to appear bad at lying so that I'd never catch the really big lies.

I divorced my XWH and it was truly the best gift I could give myself. I don't hate him. I just did not want to live like that. I couldn't have done it.