SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MC is useless with an unremorseful WS.

The Bible isn't making him a safe partner.

He LET'S you see his phone? Do you have the password?

Things every remorseful WS should be doing,at the very least..

Full transparency. He answers all questions, without anger,defensiveness, or blame. For as long as you need to ask them. You've been traumatized. The traumatized brain will ask the same questions, repeatedly, for a long time,as you try to process what's happened.

You get all passwords,to all accounts. Current,and future.

Full std test,with you seeing the results from the doctor.

NC

Removes all triggers possibly.

Is empathetic.

Is in IC,working on why they cheated(it has nothing to do with you,or the marriage).

Takes 200% responsibility for the affair.

Is completely honest,in all things.

If the BS needs them to do certain things,to help them heal,they do them. Like the polygraph.

Why do you think her husband is crazy? Haven't you told him about the affair?

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:34 PM, Monday, November 28th]

To piggyback on 1stWife’s post, to peacefully coexist with your husband (since it’s clear you’re going to stay married at all costs), then you will need to do the following:
-Insist that he wears a condom when you have sex. If he won’t, then you’ll have to be celibate
-Stop asking him questions or making demands
-Keep away from his devices
-Let him come and go as he pleases

And please… stop putting the burden of your choice to stay with him on your kids, even if you never say it to them directly. I know plenty of people whose parents stayed in situations exactly like yours… and their adult lives are wracked with guilt and resentment because their parents acted like they were doing their kids a favor by staying in shitty marriages. Every single one of these people has had dysfunctional relationships and spent their entire lives in therapy.

I think if you were being honest with yourself about why you’re staying you would have to admit that it’s because you’re still besotted with him, you don’t want to see him move on with someone else, you’re afraid of change, and you’re afraid of being alone.

Pureheartkit….
Yes…u are right. I’ve had to adapt over the past 23 years. I learned to "take it" and did the best I could. When it became too much, I built a wall. That way he could do whatever he wanted to and say whatever he wanted to and I just didn’t care. Well, that’s a lie. It still hurt, but just for a moment. I had told him eons ago; the day I don’t care anymore is the day u need to worry. For my own sanity and health, I had to let go. Like I’ve said, he’s been better the past year or two. As far as the verbal abuse…he never called names…just anger and short tempered ALL THE TIME.

I thank u all for sharing with me. It helps to get everyone’s feedback and support.

Hellfire….I do have the password to his phone. But like I said…that doesn’t help with the past bc I’m sure he prob cleaned house and removed anything he didn’t want me to see. Fortunately, I’m like a bloodhound/detective and I dig deeper. Deeper than he could possibly imagine. Sigh.
He’s given me two STD’s. One antibiotics got rid of and the other I’ll have for life😡. Not major and many people have it, but I have autoimmune diseases and that causes flares all the time. Sigh.
I’ve looked at anything and everything u could imagine.
He spent money any time he wanted and bc he was always mad at me, he’d gripe if I wanted money. Said we do t have it and I should get out and get a job, etc. That he’s the only one working, blah blah blah. Of course, I was stay at home (can’t drive) and raising 4 kids. Lol. He told me when mad, which seemed like a constant (in the past) that a roof over my head is my payment for staying home and raising kids. Lol. Granted, he was being a dick when he said that. I told u, he was always angry. I’ll admit he’s been tons better in the last two years. But I have a hard time forgetting bc I wasn’t ever able to stand up for myself (wasn’t going to fight in front of kids and arguing made him 100 times worse so I stayed quite. Prob reason I have health problems🙄).
Do I honestly think he’s sorry and hated himself? Yes. I know so. That’s why I’m glad he’s going to counseling bc he needs to figure out his own problems. His dad was the same way and treated them the same way. I’ve warned my kids that I’d come beat the sh!t out of them if they EVER act like he did. I told them to ALWAYS remember how u felt as a kid.
The lady he cheated with (at least the one I know about) is a ho. I’m not even really mad at her. She screws anyone. It’s my husbands fault. And her husband screws everything too, but he’s also kind of crazy. He might flip if he found out and didn’t know already. Hell, she has pics oh my husband and her. I don’t see how he wouldn’t know and rumors go around. I was waiting to see if she tried to blackmail him, but she never has. I actually feel sorry for her. She got into drugs years ago (her husband was) and this is her life now. It’s actually sad. Sigh

Bluerthanblue…I’m not still besotted with him. I had planned (when he was still acting a major ass two years ago) that when my youngest turned 16 then i was getting a divorce. But yes, the thought of starting over sucks butt. Lol And yes, I laughed bc it was funny. Sigh
I’d rather laugh than cry at stuff.

Well, my first therapy appointment went well. I just pray it helps. I need some kind of stress relief and maybe talking about it with someone will help…..or stress me out more. 🤦‍♀️
I disagreed with my sister (in the past) bc she said that every man cheats. I told her mine didn’t. I’m an idiot. She said 95% of men cheat at least once. I’m beginning to think she’s correct. And these days, women cheat almost as bad, if not as bad.

IC will probably be stressful when your counselor starts helping you dig into the deep-seeded issues that you have and pushes you toward taking action.

I disagreed with my sister (in the past) bc she said that every man cheats. I told her mine didn’t. I’m an idiot. She said 95% of men cheat at least once. I’m beginning to think she’s correct.

This is nothing but an excuse to stay in an abusive marriage. If all men cheat, then why leave the devil you know, am I right?

Fact is, your sister is wrong about men and so are you if you believe her. I suspect that her toxic attitude--and yours-- are result of similar traumas/bad experiences that you had growing up in your family of origin (FOO). That's another topic worth exploring in IC.

Never really thought of it as an excuse to stay🤔. I was mainly just commenting about what she had said. And I know that all men don’t cheat 🙄
Just feels like it at times. And no, I never knew about my mom or dad cheating. About 8 years ago I found out that my dad probably cheated. Figured it wasn’t any of my business so I didn’t confront him. That’s between him and my mom (well, was).

Well, he just told me more if the truth. 😢 I’m very thankful and glad he did. It’s what I’ve always suspected, but hearing as fact was punch in the gut and a break to ur heart.
I’m still numb right now. At first I wanted to scream and not stop. Then the numbness set in. I want comfort and hugs, but I can’t accept them from him. Am I weird or does everyone fill that way?? He offered and he cried some telling me bc he was so ashamed and hated to hurt me more, but knew I wanted the truth and know I deserved it. But I can’t let the hurt-er be the comforter too. Idk. Sigh

I've been with 3 cheaters so I know how it's easy to feel that most men cheat but can't give in to negative thinking that makes me give up or accept less.

You can work on your immune system so you feel better. Stress is hard on immunity. If you can get to a place of less stress that's only going to help you. It's hard living with a person so negative. Walking around trying to not set them off....they get set off anyway so easily. It's not you and never was.

What can you do for yourself today? Please don't feel defeated. Your life can be peaceful and happy. Every day do something for yourself. Think of how you could talk to a friend or neighbor to help you get driving lessons. You will need this to look after yourself. Don't feel overwhelmed and put it off, just think of a plan how to start and move forward. Every little thing you do for yourself is like a bit of money in the bank. You're investing in yourself.

Thank you. And I can drive, I just have partial seizures so can’t.
And doing something for myself every day is a good idea. Even if it’s simple…as long as it’s just for me/help me. Thanks

Well, he just told me more if the truth. 😢 I’m very thankful and glad he did. It’s what I’ve always suspected, but hearing as fact was punch in the gut and a break to ur heart.

Ugh. As painful as that must have been for you though, your number one issue has been to establish a baseline of truth. Do you feel like you've had the whole of it yet? and does it change things for you going forward?

In terms of the not wanting comforting from him, it really goes both ways. Some people need space from the WS for awhile, and others feel oddly compelled to seek the WS out for it. There's no wrong answer.

((hugs))

I'm glad he's finally talking. It's necessary.

How do you know the OM is crazy? Do you know him personally?

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:08 PM, Thursday, December 1st]

Chamomile……he told me about the women he had sex with and more. Then he also admitted to messing around with another lady (that I suspected). He said it was only kissing/feeling, that he didn’t have sex with her bc he didn’t like her. He obviously like her enough to kiss and grope her🙄🙄.
As far as how I feel…..idk. I’m sick to my stomach and went to bed having cried til I couldn’t breathe and woke up and tears ran down my face before I could even get out of bed.
I’m not going to do anything except give myself a month and let all my emotions settle. He says he told me everything but still refuses to take lie detector. Lol. I find that funny and suspicious. I mean come on, if u are telling the truth, with nothing to hide, then u would take it. Gesh. So it just shows he’s still keeping something. And what I find funny (and suspicious) is that what he admitted to was something I told him I had a dream about. So I really think there’s prob more to him and this other chic he just messed around with 🤷‍♀️. He made sure to emphasize that he’s only had sex with the main chic. He says he’s never even kissed anyone besides the other girl he just told me about. He was very "exact" in his wording. So….I haven’t gotten time to think about it, but with him being so specific then that prob means someone prob have him oral (a diff woman) or something. I pushed record on my phone as soon as he started talking so I could go back and listen bc I knew I wasn’t going to retain everything bc I was going to be upset 🙄.

Hellfire….I’ve know the couple for years. Their oldest kid was in the same classes throughout the years as my oldest daughter. Plus, my husband use to work with hers for years. Were we friends…nope. I never liked him. He hit on me while I was pregnant. Ugh. I’m the beginning she was always nice and quiet. Idk why she chose her husband bc he’s like 15 years older than her (and my husband) and her husband was always a drug head. She stayed decent for about 6 years and then got into bad drugs and started screwing anyone and everyone. The only time I ever saw them was school function.
He’s always been on drugs and has gone crazy a couple of times.

Serious question. Has anyone had a nervous breakdown? How do u know?
And….if you are major stressed out and freaking, would that cause memory problems??
I can imagine if u have a breakdown then ur memory might be affected. Idk though.

I have partial seizures and that affects my memory during the weeks that I’m having them. Then my memory will go back to normal, mostly.
So I had a breakdown tonight and I’m talking the whole nine yards. Afterwards, I was having trouble with remembering and stuff. Felt like u were high or had partials. U know if u have ever smoked weed and u can’t remember and keep forgetting stuff?

What have ur experiences been as far as stress and nervous breakdowns, etc?

It's very typical to have trouble focusing after a traumatic psychological injury, but what you seem to be describing sounds more targeted to a specific incident. With your history of seizure, I think this would be a good thing to discuss with your doctor. It's so important to take care of your body just now. This kind of emotional stress is so difficult to deal with and many of us do end up needing some help.

Question- I went to ask my husband a question…I wanted to ask him why he won’t take a lie detector (he supposedly told me all the truth the other day). I didn’t get as far as asking bc I said…"can I ask u a question that I’ve asked before….."
He said…."if u have asked it before then u know the answers." He said…."asking me the same questions over and over if fucking torture and I will not fucking deal with it the rest of my fucking life! Fucking day in and day out!"
Pardon me, but I thought (for me) that was the process of healing. I can ask what I want as many times as I want until I feel ok with it. I mean, please, let me know if I’m wrong???? I’m just going by books and stuff.
Anyway, I told him to ask his therapist about that and before I could say anything else he says…."my fucking therapist is the one that said it was a hell to be asked anything after u answered it". 🤷‍♀️
Of course, my husband could be lying or his therapist is just agreeing with him or I’m totally wrong and the things I’ve read are totally wrong.
Any input????

That kind of repetition is NORMAL in the JFO stage. It's part of the trauma. Your WH's therapist is full of shit and should read a copy of The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Certainly, stop paying him. He's clearly making your situation worse.

Your brain has a process to deal with emotional trauma and this is just part of how the sausage gets made. We're essentially dealing with an organic computer and after dday, you've got all this corrupt data to deal with, everything you had accepted previously as truth about your WH turns out to be false. The trauma causes a sort of compulsion to complete "the story" but we don't trust the new data immediately. It takes time to reach a state of acceptance on new information. We feel the need to verify, and re-verify, and re-verify, and that goes on until something in our brain clicks and we store the new data away as fact.

Your WH is a PROVEN LIAR. He lied. He deliberately deceived you. And now, his response to your distrust and your traumatic injury is that HE is being "fucking tortured". Wouldn't it be EASIER to just give you what you need when you need it than to continue with this absurd recalcitrance??? He's asking you to commit the rest of your life to a PROVEN LIAR.

What's his answer to how this situation might look if the shoe were on the other foot? What if it was YOU who were out fucking strange and then insisted that your word on the truth was good enough and that he was "torturing" you by asking questions? Yeah.. your ass would be in divorce court so fast your shadow wouldn't arrive until the next week, right? That's all empathy is... just walking a mile in the other guy's shoes and he can't fucking do it.

Are you sure this is how you want to live your life? There's no secret sauce, no method of MAKING this guy straighten up and fly right. He cheated and he's NOT sorry. If he was, he'd have empathy for your feelings and he'd be willing to do whatever it takes to try and make things right.

I honestly have no idea if this is what I want for the rest of my life. I mean, common sense says NO, but I’m the type of person that makes sure not to say or do anything just bc I’m hurt, etc. I make sure to take time and try to see the whole pic instead of what has just hurt me. U know what I mean?
When he told me this last "truth" he tested of and felt awful. BUT I couldn’t decide if he truly felt bad bc he did this to me, was embarrassed bc he did it or just felt sad and disgusted admitting it? He literally shows his feelings for a few seconds and then it’s over. Then it’s just yelling any other time. He did say that no one should have to go through what he’s putting me through. That’s he’s truly sorry.
But it’s like listening to a psychopath. After the first burst of emotion, it’s just words…no emotions. Idk. Hard to explain. I feel if someone was truly sorry and felt awful then they’d show that and listen to me and care for me and comfort me and answer any questions, no matter how many times I asked or got mad or upset. Idk. I know everyone is not the same. Maybe I’m wrong in thinking he should me acting a certain way or wanting him to, but while I feel he cares about it all and feels bad….he just doesn’t show it at all, most of the time.
Idk idk idk
I feel like his therapist is his friend and not his helper. U know the saying…going to me ur mom and then ur friend. Well, I feel (just by what my husband as said) that his therapist is a friend first and then a therapist. But then again….could just be what my husband is saying. It’s not like he tells the truth all the time. 🤦‍♀️

He told you the "truth" b/c he felt you deserved it but then curses at you and refuses to consider the question.

Please please stop 🛑 stop 🛑 stop trying to make this a marriage.

Focus on you. Your health. Your happiness. Your kids.

I repeat what I posted previously.

This guy has no respect for you. STDs and serial cheating, abusive language AND chronic lying — he’s not going to change enough to make this a marriage.

You deserve better but if you chose to stay, make yourself at least happy. I guarantee if you never ask the serial cheater H another question or discuss his cheating you are making the better choice.

Any input????

Yes. Please listen to the others here. Your WH is telling you plainly, in his actions, that he is not sorry about how he treats you. The moment I was given....

"asking me the same questions over and over if fucking torture and I will not fucking deal with it the rest of my fucking life! Fucking day in and day out!"

....I'd have told him that he's right---he won't get those questions repeated from me. He would NEVER get another question pertaining to our marriage other than the steps needed by both to end it. I know that you say you want to by analytical, and not hasty in major decisions....like ending a long marriage. But how much is enough? Does a person need to be figuratively punched in the face a thousand times before reacting, or do they need that 1001st punch? How much abuse....and that is what this is....do you want to keep accepting?

It's ridiculous when people just say 'up and leave' from a long relationship. But it is NOT ridiculous to get yourself started on that path. Rebuilding your independence emotionally and financially takes TIME. Get moving on that now. Get to the point where you can simply up and walk away if you choose to do so. In the time that it will take you to get to that point, your WH will have shown you if he is a worthy candidate to try again with. Right now, that is an absolute, resounding 'NO'.

Don't waste time on him. Spend it on yourself.

I was in your shoes too. That is why I'm also trying to help you to see the light and try to help guide you into a more emotionally safe position.

I also felt that I could ride it out and weather the storm. I did weather the storm but the destruction and damage he left me with emotionally will never go away. The pain will fade but will never go away completely.

I do have some peace in my life now and that means a lot to me. But if I could go back and with the knowledge, emotional strength and awareness that I have today and have an opportunity for a redo, I would have left the marriage a long time ago.

My deceased WH was an addict; alcoholic, a serial cheater, a liar, and an abuser. He was relentless in his abuse. And he didn't want to work for change either. He acted like he was onboard for making our marriage a better and safer place
just to pacify me. But it was all just a lie to keep me believing him and also to keep me in line, so to speak.

He told me just enough to make me WANT to believe him. And just like you, I always knew in my heart that he wasn't giving me the full truth. And just like you, I begged him, pleaded with him, tried to force him to tell me the truth of who he really was... but it was not going to happen. He stuck to his story.

When he died and after some time had passed the truth began to unravel and reveal itself. Or I began to wake up to the realization that I knew the truth all along but was too afraid to see who he really was while he was still alive.

He loved the extra attention from other women and other people noticing him. It gave him that extra ego boost he so desperately needed. Made him feel special and powerful because he couldn't feel that specialness within himself.

He needed desperately to feel and be validated by others to help him believe that he was okay. And over time his need for external validation got way out of control that it took him away into even deeper denial. And I could clearly see this but was so afraid to take control of my own life that I just took the abuse from him. His need for external validation took precedence over everything, even at the extent of damaging his marriage and family to the point of no return.

I thought that he was my man, my protector, my guide, my leader, my soulmate, my everything. But in reality he was none of those things. Instead, he was weak, an addict, in a sense a loser in life, misguided. I began to find him unattractive because deep down I knew what he was up to.

I remember telling him that he was repulsive but couldn't place my finger on why I had felt that way at the time. Today I know why... the reason is a couple of paragraphs down. I created an image of him within myself of someone who he never could live up to. I wanted so desperately for him to be that kind, loving, faithful person I envisioned he could be but it just was never meant to be, I made him up what I wanted him to be in my own mind. He was who he was and nothing was going to change that.

I felt helpless because I depended on him financially. He was the breadwinner. I was taught, no it was drilled into my head, that the women stays home and takes care of the kid's and the household and the man goes to work and provides for his family. So I stayed, stuck my head in the sand and went into deep denial over his actions. Even dispite the fact that he came home with a STD. Genital warts. Thank God it wasn't passed on to me or my kid's. I was nursing at the time.

He also had sex outside the marriage during my first pregnancy. He developed an STD during my second pregnancy. I am so greatful that at least neither of my kids were harmed because of his actions.

And something else, he blamed me for his choices and his actions. Always used me as an excuse for his poor decisions and HIS poor coping skills. Blamed me. He did what he did because of me! So he said.

If he wasn't happy in the marriage or happy being a father he could have left us and could have gone on his merry way with one of his longterm affair partners. But then again, why would he? He had the best of both worlds (just as your WH does). Comforts of a home life and extracurricular activities on the side to make him feel good and to boost his ego and self esteem.

Being married to him was pure torture. He was a good provider and we did a lot of fun things together but who HE was was pure torture and even having some finer things in life doesn't change the fact the he was an evil abuser.

I 1000% agree with what the others are saying, if you find you can't leave your situation for whatever reasons, start taking action moving your focus away from him. You don't have to leave him but you also can work to take some of your power back. I know that it is emotionally painful to turn your focus away from your lieing, deceptive, abusive, serial cheating WH because no one wants to believe their spouses are so capable of having monstrous ways. But what other options do you have?

It has been awhile now since my WH death and I am still affected by what he did to me and my kid's. Something I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life because I also made the choice to stay and endure his abuse.

I feel embarrassed and humiliated that I stuck it out with him because now I see the real truth in who he really was. I still have really bad moments because of him. But I'm also experiencing moments of peace in my heart and in my day. So can you.

If you believe in the afterlife I just want to say that I don't want to meet him on the other side if that tells you anything. The thought of meeting him on the other side terrifies me. And I do tell this to him. I am emotionally distanced enough from him to know that I would never want to allow myself the vulnerability to be with him ever again. My life with him was brutal. Those good times we had doesn't make things right and to justify what he did during our time together. His core values were evil and any good that he did for us cancels out because of the bad. Took me awhile to see this. Self explanatory.

I had kid's with him so I am choosing to stay on somewhat nuetral grounds in my feelings towards him, meaning I kind of need to fake it because he was their father, dispite the fact that his evil actions and the fact that he didn't want to do anything to change his ways affected all of us. I still need to stay somewhat neutral in my feelings towards him for several reasons. I don't
need to be eaten alive by the negativity he caused while he was still alive and on this earth.

Another memory that is forever etched into my brain is even on his deathbed he managed to flirt with the nurses and other healthcare workers. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. But by that point I just decided to deal with it the best way I could during that moment in time.

I really feel for you. Try and put some time into thinking about what you really want out of life. Nothing has to be decided in a day. Understand that this doesn't need to go on forever. But I also feel the future choices that you decide to make with be your determining factor or whether or not you can find some reprieve and peace in your life. I wish you well.