SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is truly abusive. We do always have choices. I understand where you are coming from. I am sure that there are many who continue to live in infidelity for the sake of the family. It’s your choice and you are the one who has to live it. So sending you strength, but I hope that sooner than later you can see that you have better options. To be upfront, I have a bias because I come from a family with an abusive, cruel father. We kids begged my mother to divorce him, but she never would and lived in pain.

If it were me, even if you decide to stay, I would give my wedding ring back to your WH. He put that ring on your finger and vowed to be faithful as long as you are married. Period. No matter what happens in your M, there is no excuse or bullshit rationalization that would justify breaking that sacred vow. He lied to you at your wedding. His wedding vows of faithfulness were only conditional depending on how much sex and attention you gave him. You can see how absurd this is. Good luck.

I had thought about giving it back to him. It’s not like I’m going to wear it. And I HATE that bc I loved my rings😢. He gets mad at me bc he said he made a mistake and he wishes it had never happened. He said he figured our marriage was over. I told him then he should have asked for a divorce. I told him years and years ago that if he ever wanted to cheat on me then he better divorce me first (we had been talking about something). Told him he better respect me enough for that. Well, he didn’t 🙄. Then he said he treated me certain ways bc of this and that. I threw that back in his face and asked then why the hell did u treat ur kids that way?! He uses anything as an excuse. And I’m not blameless. Sigh. But it was his treatment of me that started the ball rolling. The way he treated me…I didn’t feel loved. All I felt was that he wanted sex…ALL THE TIME! That’s not love…that’s sex. He just wanted to use me for sex and go into a rage if I said no. Had felt like that for years. He’s a porn addict so that’s another thing…I don’t want to have sex and make out when I know he had prob been watching porn and got horny over that.
Of course, I understand that it’s an addiction, but that doesn’t spare my feelings.
And the fact that he’s still withholding stuff eats me alive. And it makes me not be able to move forward from this point 🤷‍♀️. He could have screwed three or four other people. That’s not something u can not know and just move on. If he told me it all then we could try to work it out. But not when he won’t tell me everything.
But he uses the excuse (to not take the test) that I’m never going to believe him. Lol. That’s all he keeps going back to. Excuses excuses

And u know one of the things that ripped my ass the most?? Lol. He gave his "other" free stuff and I stopped asking for stuff (for personal things like shoes or clothes) about 4 years ago bc I’d have to hear how I don’t work and help out. I told him staying at home, raising 4 kids is a 24/7 job. He said the roof over my head and food is my payment. Lol. Granted, he was being pissy, but I stopped asking for stuff. I saved my bday money and did odds and ends when I could. (So he’s giving his ho stuff and I can’t ask for money bc he gets pissy). I know he sounds awful, but it wasn’t all the time. My point in all this is that he was ALWAYS mad at me bc of sex and attention. What it boils down to, I believe, is that he has so major issues of his own. Instead of getting help for them, he let them fester and took them out on me and the kids. Which all eventually led to him cheating at least once, but prob more. He validates himself by thinking I wasn’t the "porn house wife" he wanted. Watching porn all those years corrupts ur sense of real life sex, emotions and feelings.
If he would only understand that telling me everything would work for him instead of against him. Sigh. He’s stupid🙄.
Sorry for the long lost, but I just don’t really have anyone to talk to.

There's so much to unpack in your story and my heart is aching for you and for your children. By the time you read this, I hope you've started counseling and begun to get a clearer idea of what is happening to you. You are married to a very dysfunctional guy and all of your attempts to control him, manipulate him, cajole him or "nice" him into being a better person will continue to fail. And while that's happening, he's escalating to the point that you accept that you don't deserve to spend family money to buy yourself a pair of damn shoes. What I see is a woman who keeps listening to the crap and lies coming out of his mouth and thinking you're staying one step ahead of him. "He won't buy me shoes? Well, I just won't ask him so he won't be able to throw that in my face anymore. Ha, gotcha!" But, you see, the joke's on you and these things will continue and will escalate and in the end, you'll be the loser. You're falling very nicely and efficiently into his trap.

Nowhere in any of your story do you talk about loving him, about what it feels like to be loved and cherished by him, about how loved and cherished your children feel. Nowhere in any of your story do you tell us about you, the you who is fading further and further from herself. What are your dreams and goals? Where do you see yourself 5 yrs. from now?

Sometimes when you post here on S.I., another reader will read what you write and will be jumping up and down in her chair screaming at the computer, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, don't do that, don't do it, wake up before it's too late. And it's not because we're objective observers or have training in the subject, it's because we lived it but understood it too late and now we'd do anything to help save someone else from walking down the same path. Trust me, finding yourself alone at age 70 and realizing you were wrong about everything for so long is soul-sucking to the nth degree.

.

You don’t NEED more information to leave. You want more information. There is a difference and an important one. You CAN leave. It will be hard, it will hurt, it stinks. But you CAN. Saying you need more information is a way of stalling making a decision. It’s okay if you are not quite ready to pull the plug, but you must keep internalizing that you CAN leave. You deserve better. Your children deserve a mom who is her true self, not a beaten down abused version. They also deserve a role model that says it’s not okay to be treated that way. They model what they see.

That he blames you or the kids for how he treats them — this is not a man that wants to change. He is a world-class manipulator and denier.

Keep in IC. And keep your rings- you can get a few bucks sellling them if needed some day.

Keep posting, put yourself first, understand that you didn't cause this but you can stop it. And that the only person you have any control over is yourself.

To put it on the short side of the spectrum.

Your WH says this site is full of women bitter about issues like yours. Well, I do have a penis, so I must qualify as a man... So, not only women go through this mess and not only men cheat. It is a "thing" generalized to humans who do disrespect their partners. Full stop. And he disrespected you and he still is doing so when he does not even understand you can't just "get over it and move on". I would like to see it the other way around. You going out on a men hunt, having your fun and he knowing about it...

Things you should not be doing:

- Engaging in conversations with him. Nothing good will come out of it. He is to much up his arse in the fog at the moment to even begin to understand the pain he put you through.

- Staying for the kids. If you do so you will end up living a miserable life to your last days. And this because he does not get it. He is nowhere near ready to do the work necessary to be ready. Far from it. He knows you don't want to leave him so he plays you using that strenght factor.

Things you must do:

- Do not engage in conversations with him.

- Do not engage in intimacy with him.

- Tell him you are fed up of being blatantly disrespected and that you are going to start D procedures.

Do as above. Stand your ground and stay strong. Anything else and you are going forward looking for a train wreck. Guaranteed.

Doing so may end up being a "wake up call" to reality for your WH. Or not. But the priority here is not "waking him up" but it is YOU GETTING OUT of that misery and infidelity shitshow. So that you can go forward and be happy - with a safe partner or without one. With him or without him - if he is not really willing to "fix" himself.

All the best. Stay strong. Stand YOUR ground. Don't let him abuse you.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 8:55 PM, Sunday, November 27th]

I know I can leave at anytime. Sigh. I prob give too many chances, but I just hate to ruin the "family" thing. Sigh. Vacations, holidays, etc….will be no more. Kids will feel split and don’t know which way to lean. They will want to know why we are divorcing…if he was still treating us like shit then I could use that, but since his testosterone has dropped, he’s been a lot better.
Another thing, I can’t drive bc of medical reasons. So guess what? I’d be trapped at home. Lol. What a life. I live out in a rural area so it’s not like I can hop a taxi or Uber🙄. My kids will have a life of their own working and so on. Granted, my youngest could drive me around when not in school 🤦‍♀️.

I asked him if my therapist agrees with the lie detector if he would get it then and he said no. I asked why and he said bc u aren’t trying to move forward, u are just stuck in the past. If u want to move forward then u wouldn’t be stuck on me getting the test. Lol. I told him if he loves me and cares about our marriage then he should do whatever it takes for me to feel better and able to move forward. I told him that I see his priorities….his lies and then me. He gets mad and says HE’S NOT LYING! I told him then he would take the test. Simple as that and he says again….u don’t want to move forward. Lol. Idiot.
And I want the test bc I’m tired of being lied to. Gesh. I don’t WANT to move forward until I can trust that he’s telling the truth! He’s still hiding stuff and why should I move forward when he hasn’t been 100% honest and open with me!?!?!? I’m tired of getting screwed over!
I try to get him to understand and bc he doesn’t want or he’s just stupid, he won’t accept it or get it through his thick head! I could try to explain something and it’s like he doesn’t hear me or speak my language. He hears something totally diff and of course insulting to him.
I just feel like throwing my hands up.
Oh…..he’s never horny anymore bc his testosterone. So we had argued earlier and he was pissed off at me. Well, I came to him and asked if he wanted to have sex and he looked at me like I disgusted him. 😂 I told him….not appealing, is it? I told him that unless he was horny then he didn’t want to touch me. I explained to him the way he treated me in the past….(besides my hormone and health problems) it made me not want him to even bother me.
He says that me not being affectionate and having sex all the time is what caused him to cheat🙄🙄🙄. Ass hole. So I guess for the past 28 years, when I’d have sex with him at the drop of a hat and so on, he still looked at porn 24/7. No excuses for that.
It enrages me that he says it’s my fault! He knows the right things to say…."it’s all my fault. It’s not urs at all"…..when he was begging me to stay. When he gets mad, the real him shines through and tells me it’s mainly my fault bc of the way I was with him.
My therapist is going to need one by the time our appointment is over with tomorrow. 😂

There is no chance of reconciliation here. None. Stop talking about a polygraph. He's lying. You don't need a test to tell you that. Even if he took a test and passed, there's no chance for reconciliation. You can not reconcile with an unremorseful WS. It's impossible.

You can't drive. That's a hindrance. But you can figure something out.

He knows he doesn't have to change. He will just bully you into submission. He doesn't want you to move forward. He wants you to stfu.

Tell the kids the truth. He's a serial cheater. He's abusive. Tell them.

He's still cheating. You have to know that. He has zero plans to stop. He is showing he doesn't care about you at all.

Also..there is no moving forward, and getting over it. Reconciliation is a years long process. It takes a ton of work on the part of the WS. Transparency. Honesty. And working on themselves to become a safe partner. He will never do that.

You need to see an attorney. You must save yourself, and get this abuser out of your life. If you dont,it will slowly kill you.

I know I can leave at anytime. Sigh. I prob give too many chances, but I just hate to ruin the "family" thing. Sigh. Vacations, holidays, etc….will be no more. Kids will feel split and don’t know which way to lean. They will want to know why we are divorcing…

One can always find alternatives to that. It sucks to miss that "confort" but so is life sometimes. Maybe in the future you will find someone who does not disrespect you in that matter and with whom you can build that kind of confort again if you do get out of this mess while you have the time. If you do nothing you won´t - and that is a certainty. Staying with a cheater who disrespects you constantly is 1000 times worse. Your kids deserve to know what is happening with the marriage. They will be happy no matter what. They will realise what a strong mother they have got. That stands her ground and does not let herself be disrespected at all. What better example a child can have? He will always be their father, no matter what. For good and for worse.

I asked him if my therapist agrees with the lie detector if he would get it then and he said no. I asked why and he said bc u aren’t trying to move forward, u are just stuck in the past

if you knew the amount of times the "I did it because I was lacking it at home" or "u aren’t trying to move forward, u are just stuck in the past" sentences were refered from cheaters mouths throughout all times you would be mindblowned. Typical one from the cheaters book. Bla, bla, bla, gibberish.

Well, I came to him and asked if he wanted to have sex and he looked at me like I disgusted him.

You are doing the exact contrary to what you should be doing - taking a step back to look at what the hell is happening in your life. Do NOT engage in intimacy with him. Not at least while you are not certain of what you are going to do going forward.

And I want the test bc I’m tired of being lied to. Gesh. I don’t WANT to move forward until I can trust that he’s telling the truth! He’s still hiding stuff and why should I move forward when he hasn’t been 100% honest and open with me!?!?!? I’m tired of getting screwed over!

This. But then again, your actions are the perfect contrary to what you should be doing to achieve that goal.

Again, do listen to what people around here are telling you. If not you are in for a world of pain and sadness. STAND YOUR GROUND. Do NOT let yourself be disrespected. Demand what you deserve as a woman. And you deserve more than a man who does not respect you and who is not willing to fix the things he should be willing to fix.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 9:59 PM, Sunday, November 27th]

What's with all of the lol's and laughing Emogies? Your situation is not funny at all. It's sad and your situation is toxic. I especially feel sad for your 4 innocent kid's who are having to be forced into enduring this mess. They also feel the tension in your home, you know. Heck, I even do. Stresses me out how you keep laughing at your situation because it is so inappropriate and not funny at all.

Someday when you look back on this chapter in your life, I think you will realize that it wasn't even remotely funny. In fact it is the opposite of funny. It is very sad. I feel very sad for you and your kid's. And I do get it btw. This is why I am advocating for change for you!

Think about how your constant arguing with your WH is affecting your kid's lives, now and in the future. I can 100% garentee that EVERYONE in that house is somehow being affected over the constant arguing, bickering and obsessive behavior.

You already know your WH stance on the lie detector test. He's already told you on countless occasions that he is NOT going to take the lie detector test to appease you. And what I also am tending to believe is that HE IS NOT GOING TO TAKE THE LIE DECTECTOR TEST.

Give it up because you already know the truth. He is a liar, cheater, abusive asshole of a husband who has no desire for change.

Now for you, take him off that pedestal that you have placed him on and realize he IS NOT the man you had hoped and dreamed of and he never will be. He will never be your princess charming. Ever! There is no going back and there also is no changing him. Because why? Because he is happy with who he is. His only real issue here is that you won't get off his back and quit nagging him about the stupid lie detector test and trying to force him to change. He doesn't want to. So there. Period. End of discussion.

I want today to be "your" new beginning. What are you going to do to change "your" ways?

I have a suggestion, begin backing away from him, just one small step at a time. Start trying to work for change for you! Work to refocus on taking charge of your life and figuring out how you can feel better about you.

Please do this for you and your kid's. Forget about him. His ways are set in stone. His behavior is not changing. He doesn't want to and won't. My deceased WH didn't want to change either. And finally I got an epiphany and started taking control of my life and my actions. Stopped doing so much for my deceased WH when he was still alive. Stopped being so willing to make his coffee, make his lunch for work, sometimes dinner. Stopped washing his clothes as often as I used to do before. Stopped looking at him through the rose colored glasses I had on and started to see him for who he really was. And it wasn't good at all what I began to see.

But it was that truth, exactly what I was wanting to see. And the truth was ugly. You don't need a lie detector test to see his ugly truth either because it is right there in front of you to see. You already know the truth and there is nothing at this point to build on with him, unless HE decides he wants to change. And at this point I really don't see that.

Have you ever heard of the phrase nothing changes if nothing changes? I honestly believe this is where you are at in your life and marriage. Are you willing to change? Take a step in the direction to make your life better for you and your kid's? I would love to see this. Your clock is ticking. Your kid's are getting older day by day.

Your kid's really need you. They need your focused, undivided attention everyday, not just occasionally. They are already growing up way too fast. Try to quit wasting so much of your precious energy on your louse of a WH and refocus it toward you and your kid's. They need you. You gotta start somewhere for change. This is a good place to begin, YOUR new journey for change. Change for you!

How about giving us some other ideas on how you can begin to redirect your energy away from your WH? I would like to know of some other ideas you have come up with to help to make yours and your kid's lives better. It could be anything that puts you on the path to a more positive direction in your life. Give us some ideas on how you can refocus your negative energy into something positive. Your kid's will thank you for this.

The part where I asked if he wanted to have sex was not a real thing. I mean I did ask him, but only to prove a point about the past. No way would I have had sex with him after that. Lol.

He told me the reason I keep bringing things up from the past is bc I haven’t forgiven him. I told him it was a 50/50. Some I haven’t forgiven and some I have and just bring forward bc I’m pissed off and it’s a memory. (Not the cheating stuff , but everything else).

He’s not still cheating. Heck, I’m with him all day every day. I do know he feels bad about what he did.
Like I said numerous times above, I need to know if it was only her or others, too. And that might not matter to some, but it does me.

I’m just strange, I guess. Like I told him, lies and not knowing is a heavy, heavy weight upon my shoulders. Every times I found out a truth, some of that weight lifts. Call me weird 🤷‍♀️. Instead of it being freeing and liberating to him….it is to me. Go figure. I just hate LIES!! Awful truth is better than lies. Truth I can handle. Lies and hidden secrets….I can’t. And I’m sure I’ll never know everything, but the test would tell me the main things I need to know.

My kids have no clue. We don’t argue in front of them or act diff. If they see me crying then I tell them it’s hormones/menopause. Which I am going through.
I thank u for ur advice. I start counseling tomorrow and I’m doing it for me.

And I’m sure I’ll never know everything, but the test would tell me the main things I need to know.

Well, you know that even the test you won´t have, because he said he is not up to it.

He told me the reason I keep bringing things up from the past is bc I haven’t forgiven him. I told him it was a 50/50. Some I haven’t forgiven and some I have and just bring forward bc I’m pissed off and it’s a memory. (Not the cheating stuff , but everything else).

You are completely entitled to feel that way. And him not realising that is another major flaw in his caracter. Infidelity is one of the hardest things a human being as to endure when it happens to him/her.

He also asked how fucking long was I going to cry over it. He said it’s been 6 freaking months!

If he had not already lied to me more than four times (each time swearing that was it) then it might be different.

The level of disrespect for you here is of the charts. I do hope you realize that. It takes years for the trauma from infidelity to begin to aliviate and for the healing processes to take place. It really does. He does not deserve you at the moment. Probably never will. Sorry to say it like that.

It really all boils down to what kind of life you want to have going forward. You can certainly feel your WH is not willing to change (even if he really is not betraying you at the moment). And you know that deep down. The way he treats you and stamps on your requests after the hurt he took onto you shows that. Having a certain amount of "truth" is only part of the "solution" in this case. From your WH behaviour he has got plenty of aspects he needs to address, so he may begin to be considered a candidate for a safe partner.

I would certainly pick Hurtmyheart sugestions and try to redirect that negative energie this situation as brought upon you into some positive energie. So as you may try to change your mindset - and not fixate on trying to fix him (which is impossible - he needs to want to fix himself). You don´t realise it at the moment but, not doing so, will keep you "circling around" on this issue endlessly if it comes to your WH helping you get to were you want to be. It will be plenty dificult for you to have the real truth. Not with a WH acting the way yours is doing.

Your decisions to make really.

All the best to you.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 10:31 PM, Sunday, November 27th]

Yes!!! That’s exactly why I told him. Don’t change for me bc it will never work or last. You have to want to change for yourself! If YOU want to change then nothing is going to stop u. If u try changing for someone else…it won’t last.
His counselor is working on his feelings. I feel like telling him to hurry the hell up and get to the whole "us" thing. 🙄
Then again….it’s his job to show him and help him and his feelings definitely need help.

Oh…to Hurtmyfeelings….as far as the laughing emojis, u can’t lose ur humor. Most of the humor is sarcasm, anyway. If u don’t laugh sometimes, you’ll go crazy. I’m crazy enough as it is. 😏

Nope. Totally get wanting the entire truth. He will never give it to you. He's been an abuser throughout the marriage, and he still is. It's who he is.

Your kids know. They may not know everything, but they know. Kids aren't stupid. They see,and hear everything. They feel the tension. How could they not?

We don't love him,so we see this differently than you do. We aren't clouded by love and pain. The man treats you terribly. Many of us have been here for years, giving back to the community that helped us. I've been reading since my dday,about 12 years ago. We've seen your wh hundreds of times. He's sorry he was caught. He's not remorseful. A man can cheat in a number of ways..many of which don't involve leaving the house.

He's giving you nothing to work with. He wants forgiveness but is still lying. How are you supposed to forgive, when you don't even have the entire picture?

If he was sorry, he would be moving mountains to heal the damage he caused. He's not. Ok, so he's in IC..not all IC are helpful..and his is not. They're telling him,supposedly,that you don't deserve the truth you would have if he took a poly. Or they know he is lying to you,and they're telling him not to take it. Regardless, his IC sounds terrible.

You're fighting for a man who isn't sorry. He's cruel.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Every un remorseful WS hates this site. He is un remorseful and abusive, there is nothing more you can do.

Hellfire…..
He says he’s doing everything he can to build my trust and help us. He’s going to counseling, going to do marriage counseling, reading his Bible, he let me go through his phone when I want, he offered to delete any social media apps, but I said no…he will let me look at them, etc. Yes, I know he probably cleaned house before. But bc of the lies he’s told, repeatedly, I want the test. I think he thinks it’s so bad that I won’t stay and try to work it out. I’ve told his it’s the opposite. Not telling me makes me want to leave and not try.
Do u know how tempted I am to just call the bit@h and ask her about it??? 🤦‍♀️
Her husband it crazy and I don’t want to cause him to freak and come try and hurt someone or something. They live about 4 hrs from here (she moved).
He gets mad bc I won’t let him see my phone or tell him the code. 🤷‍♀️ I don’t have anything bad on there, just tons of evidence and pics of everything. Everything I’ve gone through and anything suspicious. So I don’t want him seeing all that. I don’t want him to see the depths I’ve gone and seen or he’s start hiding everything.

Like I told him today….he’s got problems. Problems he doesn’t even understand. He cussed and screamed over everything, but there’s a underlying reason that he’s prob not even aware of. He’s got to learn himself and understand his feelings. And like I said before and told him; I’d stick around and go the mile with him, but not when I feel he’s lying or holding back. And one of the things isn’t even a big deal. I mean, it is, but the answer (if he’d tell) doesn’t matter. It’s the fact that he’s lying and won’t tell. That doesn’t give me any hope to trust him in the present and future.

He gets mad bc I won’t let him see my phone or tell him the code. I don’t have anything bad on there, just tons of evidence and pics of everything.

Side note: I installed a secure folder app on my phone that is password protected with a very different passcode. That secure folder is where all my evidence is (there and also on a flash drive).

I would lose my damn mind if someone ever deleted the evidence that I spent so much time and effort finding.

So, you might go the extra mile to protect what you've found and keep it secure in a couple of places.

Looking for a way to fix this? To fix him?

He's a controller. He wants you to feel bad for his actions. You need to do x y z....No.

No.

What do you need to do?

Step back and quit trying to bail out the boat. Get ready to follow a future that doesn't involve constant lies, shouting, disrespect, blame and shame, withholding love and tenderness. You should never have to come up with clever solutions to get what you need.

Yes you're smart. But your ideas won't work here. He's not going to give you anything but more tension and anxiety. You can be busy with this project but it's going to be stress and fights and wasted energy.

How much frustration and pain are you going to endure before you say enough?

This is your decision now. Live this way or worse or come up with a better plan for your life. Put that determination toward something healthy. Abusers know how to control. You need distance from this to see clearly.

I know you want the truth. So did I.

If we could only have a bit of sense in our lives that the controller filled with upset emotions and feelings of neglect. You had to earn his love? Really?!

Maybe getting controlled and yelled at doesn't bring on the desire. Maybe stress eats hormones like a teen with a bag of doritos.

Maybe living with a controller who blames and shames isn't the road to wellness and fulfillment. Maybe all the stuff you put on yourself was packed onto you and you learned to carry that weight every day.

It's going to take time to build yourself up. Don't you accept one more crappy statement or excuse. No more going above and beyond. There came a day I realized I'd never get all the truth.

But that was OK. I didn't need it anymore. I thought it would be the thing to fix the problem. I had the solution in my hands all along.

I put myself first.
I made a plan for my future.
I stopped listening to his nonsense.
I saw him clearly and his words told me who he was.
I put my energy toward the life that would be good for me.

I believed my life would be better without the stress and frustration and sorrow and that proved to be true. I had to let go. Let go of fear. Let go of trying to get answers he held back. Let go of my ideas about the future with him. Let go of the whole mess. This is your moment. Your decision. Do not fear. Make a strong choice based on what you feel is right. Don't accept less.

If you don't feel comfortable that's OK. Trust yourself. Growth is hard but it can be exciting too. Speak your truth. Take a step every day towards yourself.

Stop focusing on him and your marriage.

Learn to co-exist b/c he’s never going to give you what you need.

If you want to stay b/c of your reasons, your only option is to learn to develop a peaceful co-existence. You need to get your emotional support elsewhere.