SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here is I think a simpler way of looking at this.

Your WW made a choice during 2025 when she decided to initiate, consummate, and then continue a sexual relationship with the AP within the context of their start-up business venture. Her choice has to with the kind of marriage she wants with you. Specifically, she chose to define your marriage -- her chosen variation of it -- as a marriage in which she has the freedom to carry on a highly immersive emotional and sexual relationship with her AP while remaining nominally married to you for the security that the marriage brings. A one-sided open marriage that she secretly declared for herself in 2025, and now openly requests from you. In the choosing, she has definitively told you that she values the emotional and sexual relationship with the AP more than she values a strict monogamous marriage with you.

I would remind you that if you had not discovered the sexual affair a few months ago it would still be going on. Although the physical part may be on pause at present, I think it's safe to assume her desire has not gone away and the only reason sex isn't happening is because she knows you're watching. You are functionally a prophylactic at present. However, sexual desire doesn't go away just because of a thin barrier. I think it's safe to presume that the sexual desire aspect of the relationship is most likely still palpably present.

What she has been telling you, and she has been consistent about this, without wavering, is that this is the version of the marriage and AP relationship that she wants going forward. It's presented to you on a take-it-or-leave it basis. A classic example of a Hobson's Choice.

Your job is to look in the mirror and figure out what sort of marriage you want. I gather from your comments that what you want is a monogamous marriage, one in which you can rely unquestioningly on your wife's commitment to faithful monogamy with you, both emotional and sexual. To be clear, that option is not available to you as long as you remain married to this specific wife.

What is also clear is that not deciding is deciding. This because your WW has already stated and defined her choice, she is actively living her choice, and it's not going to change. Therefore, inaction on your part is tacit acceptance of the one-sided open marriage version of marriage defined by your WW.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:37 PM, Thursday, September 17th]

Being persistent:

OM is separated from his wife – i.e. single.
OM and WW have expressed emotions of care. OM is so emotionally attached to WW that she felt a need to "let him down gradually".
WW sooths OM about their relationship still being alive and valid.
OM is persistent in wanting the relationship, despite knowing possible impact on startup.

Based on this – info shared by OP – the OM is invested in this relationship. It’s not just some easy sex.
So now – when everything is in the open – WHY isn’t the OM knocking at your door, insisting his soul-mate be solely his. He can hardly be happy knowing that when they meet again at some conference hotel that he’s sharing his woman with her antagonist who is holding her back from their eternal happiness. Or he can’t be fine with viewing his cofounder as casual sex, knowing he’s at the same time risking the major investment that might be his key to financial gains.
Keep in mind the WW initiated talk about separation and has shared that with friends, so it’s not only a thought, but something she intended to follow up with.

Something is not adding up…

Without any more info and assuming what we know is correct, then the most dangerous idea is that they both accept a period of status-quo while the startup is moved into some financial, unreachable safety-zone before the inevitable divorce.

Your marriage has been attacked by twin betrayals. The first betrayal is your wife's absolute dedication to her career. This carries with it pain and loneliness for the spouse but most cultures encourage acceptance because material success is so valued and lauded far above the quiet life of dedication to your family and partner. I worked in Manhattan for some time and have consulted with many senior leaders during my career. The dedication to career in high performing people is common and rationalization that they are doing it for their families is, I believe, common too.

Most people have some longing for a job or career that is satisfying, engaging and enjoyable so it doesn't seem terrible on the surface to strive for it. But what are we willing to sacrifice to get it, to keep it? Time and connection to spouse and kids is the tradeoff for money, esteem and engagement in a demanding career.

Then the long hours with colleagues combined with the stimulating, challenging work sets up the affair dynamic. Not for everyone of course. It also takes someone who has something broken, something weakened in them but that work environment almost automatically puts you on the slippery slope no matter who you are. It requires proactive defensive behavior to avoid temptation.

I can almost empathize with your wife because she has given in completely to two powerful drugs, pun intended. Giving up both for the quieter life, the normal career, must look daunting, impossible, from her eyes. I think she may still love you as she says, it's certainly possible. But she is addicted to the setting she is in and society tells her that she is pursuing what everyone dreams of, what she deserves. But she has forgotten the quiet, romantic dream you shared when you married.