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Heartbrokenwife23

at what point along your healing journey did YOU (WS) feel that you were "deserving" of some leniency from the BS (ex. not having snarky comments around the A thrown around after every conversation, the BS showing you some grace/softness for your consistent/hard work, etc.)?

I know that my WH could literally move mountains and fly to the moon and back and it wouldn’t be enough. I suppose since we are trying to move in the direction of R, at some point I need to be better and not bitter towards my WH.

Hmmm . . . our relationship wasn't exactly like this but something kind of close. There was a point at about five years post infidelity when my husband was dealing (poorly) with some of his own FOO hurts and it was (negatively) affecting our relationship. I would try to talk to him about something I needed help with, and he was angry that I was not happy because he did so much to try to help me be happy - he would feel inadequate when I wasn't happy. I would manage my feelings, de-escalate, all the stuff. But I wanted to talk to someone who would be helpful. I finally told him, you can deal with your stuff so we can have a close relationship, or I will stop coming to you and talk to my girlfriends instead. I prefer being close to you. Please choose. It wasn't a matter of "deserving" a close relationship, it was whether or not he actually wanted a close relationship and was willing to do what HE had to do to get it. Maybe you don't want that with your husband. I think that might be OK? People can be imperfectly married. I think most people are in fact imperfectly married. Maybe you are happy with a lot of the relationship but sometimes you get bitter and need space. Or maybe it will just take a long time. A lot of things take a long time.

Heartbrokenwife23,

In re-reading my answer I can see that I didn't directly respond to you, but embedded in my answer is that I did think I deserved to be listened to sympathetically, I didn't feel entitled to that from him but I let him know I preferred talking to him, and I was (after lots of figuring stuff out) able to meet that need/desire in a healthy and intentional way with him knowing completely what was going on.