SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't see a private message

Another long day of being hounded and harassed in my own home

Are you looking for some type of advice? If yes, I think it would be helpful when you post to provide some specifics. For example, if you told us how you were being hounded snd the context for it, we could potentially provide advice.

However, specifics and context isn’t as important if you’re simply here to vent. From my perspective, it’s hard to get a read on what you need.

She wants to talk about it and do therapy and stuff. She also made a timeline which is useless to me. I still read it though because I couldn't resist. How she was told to bear the burden herself and her reasons and family issues and whatever else. Basically a bunch of nonsense. I guess she had this all ready in her head in case it came out which is evil. My question to her was how am I going to be repaid for being held hostage for years and of course, no answer.

My reasoning was this: since the kids want to stay with me and are upset and traumatized by the whole situation, how would it look if you were unfair in the divorce? "Bad" at least she got that right

Brother just breathe and think before you speak and engage with STBX.
I believe in her mind she did you a favour by lying about the affair all those years ago. And I feel that is needed to be stated upon advice from a person who has power over her actions as a councillor.
At the end of the day your marriage continued on a flawed foundation and as such was doomed to crack and crumble.

Has your spouse said why she kept the items on the PC?
STBX is grasping for straws to remain in this, as for you the betrayal only happened as when you found out, so the hurt has not had the years to become accustomed too. She has and has been able to justified her actions with the affair; you are just starting on that road.

Why did your mum get involved? Did she discover the affair?

One day at a time.

Before you found out about the affair, how would you characterize your marriage? Meh, good, great?

What age are the kids?
I want to warn you that if you conduct yourself at home with the unbridled rage you show here then that can turn on you when custody is arranged.

If you are determined to divorce then you don’t need to talk to her now about what that would look like or read any timeline or wait for any therapy. Just file.
There is an old rule in divorce: you only get what you ask for. If you want everything and the kids and the house and the dog and the pots and pans… ask for it. Only be prepared for her to get her attorney asking for AT LEAST her fair share according to the law. Sometimes taking a deep breath and being reasonable pays dividends. You will end up just as divorced, only with more money.

Marriage was a lot better after her affair therapy which makes it worse

Kids are also nearly adults. I don't know what the idiots are gonna do when my kids just leave and come to my house on her days try to accuse me of course but besides that

"I'm at your door today because your kids decided to leave your child abusing ex wife's house. Sure she may snap at any moment or show your son inappropriate pictures again but that's the law! Surrender your kids to the state or else!"

[This message edited by 40kSpaceMarine at 4:40 AM, Wednesday, June 14th]

Stop making up scenarios in your mind. Consult with a few lawyers. Pick one. Get this divorce on the road, because honestly, you are not R material at this time. (And that's ok.) It's time to free everyone, including yourself, and move on to a new future.

I don't want to be r material at anytime.

I agree with the previous poster who said to stop creating scenarios in your mind. Your wife didn’t actually show your kid the pictures, right? He found them? And the police or whoever aren’t going to show up at your door like that. Deal with the here and now.

You are very, very angry at being betrayed. That’s understandable. But you need to handle your anger in a healthy manner and balance it with reason and clear sightedness. Go see a lawyer and get the divorce moving. Negotiate a settlement for yourself, but keep your kids’ well being at the forefront of your mind. They’ve been traumatized. You don’t need to further traumatize them by spewing toxic levels of vitriol.

I know you said you were speaking to clergy but a trained IC, individual counselor, that specializes in infidelity can help immensely. Please give it a try. I carried so much anger I was hurting myself. I am still angry about it sometimes but have better coping mechanisms to deal with it. You will never forget but you can learn to deal with it, don't let this ruin your life. You need to be the best you can for your children. They would benefit from IC too.

My pastor is an expert on infidelity. I don't need a therapist to tell me it's my fault or my wife was sad or sick or something. After seeing what swinger whore did id rather not

I tend to be rather direct and to-the-point. Back "in the day" we would preface a post like this with a warning about it being a 2x4…

Divorce your wife.
Start and follow the process.
It’s not something you do yourself, you need professional guidance (i.e. attorney).

Nobody suggested you get therapy to accept your WW behavior – but you 100% need therapy to either control your drinking or your anger (I think a combination of both is what makes your posts so angry, bitter and disjointed. I actually think that combination does less damage than only anger…)

Nobody is telling you to be NOT angry at your wife – but control it.
If you are interacting with her in real life the way you post here… an attorney would have a field-day showing the abuse she’s been put through for her benefit in alimony and custody. Heck… you could easily find yourself at the wrong side of your own front-door…

STOP BEING A VICTIM!
Yes – she had an affair and yes the whole leftist, alternative-lifestyle world took part in making it happen… but it’s YOU that is hanging on to it. Yes – the law favors men despite probably 95% of the law being made by men and written by men, and probably 60% of it being judged by men… It’s YOUR decision to wallow in this misery.
You have very firmly stated you will never reconcile and that you want out. Get out. It’s up to you.

I hate lost causes. There have been numerous long extended threads here where I don’t post because I simply don’t think the OP wants help. I don’t enjoy cheering people towards the cliffs edge. Let’s see how this thread goes.

It's ok to be angry. Even if you are divorcing. It's normal. But,you need to use that anger wisely. It can provide you with a crystal clear vision of what you want from this point on. No waffling. You want a divorce. The affair was a deal breaker. And that's fine. You need to be smart about it. Stop engaging. Use your anger to get a good attorney, who will fight in the courtroom for you. Engaging with her can only hurt you emotionally, and possibly legally.

Don't bad mouth their mom to your kids. They're old enough to form their own opinion on her actions. Don't weaponize them. What she did was awful,but she's still their mom,and they will love her. And you want that for them. Hating your mom(even when she's earned it), is very painful for many young adults.

If you really want to upset your wife..and clearly you do..stop talking to her. When you get mad,you are giving her something to work with. When you go silent, they're left wondering what's happening. And it's the safest option for you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:26 PM, Friday, June 16th]

It's not like I'm turning the kids against her, they said no matter what they'll just come to stay with me. I did mention to them though that if I had to pay out then we'd all know she was lying to us all about being sorry, which is true

This is probably an exercise in banging my head against a brick wall, but you need to do whatever it takes to quiet your anger and proceed rationally.

It sounds like you believe that because she had an affair, it’s right and just for you to walk away in a divorce with everything the two of you own, plus full custody of/time with your kids. And that if she doesn’t agree to that, it’s proof that she isn’t sorry. Am I representing what you think correctly?

The trouble with that view is that many/most people won’t share it, and much more pertinently, it isn’t in accordance with legal conceptions of the equitable division of assets in the wake of a divorce.

It feels like you’re putting a whole lot of emotional energy into getting revenge and proving to yourself, your kids, and others how terrible she is. Maybe I’ve read your posts wrong, but it sounds like you’re asking her to impoverish herself and give up on a relationship with her kids, and saying if she doesn’t, she’s not sorry. If that’s the case, you’re backing her into a corner and all but ensuring that the divorce process is going to be very messy and destructive to all of you.

She wronged you terribly, but you can’t change that, and you can’t control her. What you can do is block her out, pursue a divorce and custody under the counsel of professionals, and leave your kids out of the messiness of it. Focus on your relationship with them, and stay out of their relationship with their mom. As much as this sucks, and believe me, I get the gut punch of infidelity, it’s also a chance to create a new life for yourself where you can focus on your own happiness and we’ll-being and that of your children. Anger and vengefulness aren’t going to get you to the healthy, happy life and relationships you deserve.

[This message edited by Grieving at 7:47 PM, Friday, June 16th]