AdLarue17 (original poster new member #84917) posted at 1:25 AM on Monday, December 2nd, 2024
How do you know when reconciliation isn’t going to work? What were the signs?
Maisindu ( member #59249) posted at 1:58 AM on Monday, December 2nd, 2024
For me, I should've probably know when he insisted in gaslighting me. When we talked with the OW, he wasn't loyal to me. And today, well he has a new A. So, watch the early signs. It will save time, effort and heartbreak.
Me- BW- 43 Him-WH-52 23yr marriage 2003 EA, 2008 2 EA, 2016-2017 EA/PA 2024 new A
AdLarue17 (original poster new member #84917) posted at 2:09 AM on Monday, December 2nd, 2024
My WS just is losing patience with my triggers….he tried to be supportive but he sucks at it. Too be fair he’s never been great at comforting. I just feel like he caused this mess he should be calm and supportive about cleaning it up!
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:10 AM on Monday, December 2nd, 2024
For me, it was when he told me that he'd done it again. I was done.
TBH, I was realizing he wasn't doing the work to be a safe partner, I just hadn't pulled the plug yet.
He didn't do any homework
He was still changing some answers to a set of questions I asked at random times
He was still watching questionable stuff on YouTube
The eye rolls when I needed sympathy
Touching me when I said to ask permission first (sounds odd, but I had PTSD-like symptoms and would literally jump when he touched me)
It took me 18 months to get to the point where I called it. I was trauma-bonded, which is similar to bring co-dependent, and has to get to the spot where my head and heart were in the same spot.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:56 AM on Monday, December 2nd, 2024
For me, it was when the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. I realized he was never going to be a safe partner, and he was never going to do the work or really even in the affair.
Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 9:28 AM on Monday, December 2nd, 2024
Sometimes there aren't clear signs.
BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 9:39 AM on Monday, December 2nd, 2024
You know it’s time to end the relationship when you realize you will never be happy, despite trying your best.
When I was facing a D during my H’s affair, my very wise and expensive therapist told me that you can "successfully" D if you know you have tried your best and done your best to make it work — but you realize the marriage / relationship is not salvageable and you just will not be happy if you stay married or in the relationship.
Sometimes you have that moment of clarity - whether it’s something that occurs or just your own personal feelings that become that "aha" moment.
My moment came on dday2 that the marriage was over. He continued cheating while I thought we were Reconciling. One minute he’s 100% committed to the marriage and the next he’s wanting a D (yet again). I decided to get off the roller coaster and start putting ME first and stop worrying about a lying cheating jerk who was nothing more than a selfish person who didn’t care who he hurt as long as he got his own way.
And when I realized that for most of the summer he had me hanging in by a thread while HE decided whether he wanted me or the OW - well that was the final straw for me. I no longer cared about him or the marriage.
I cannot explain how we were able to reconcile except that he made some very serious changes and worked very hard for years making amends.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
