SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is there a way to change or I am looking in the wrong area in my profile?
I am seriously considering getting my wife to read some of the posts on here before I start questioning her on the affair she had 25 years ago that we just rug swept. We didn't even talk about it, just sort of drifted back together.
I was fine for years but over the last few years it is starting to consume me and even more now that my oldest son left his wife for a co-worker. It is constantly on my mind now and I think the only way forward for my mental health is to ask some hard questions.
She is blaming my daughter-in-law for my son's affair and gets upset when this poor girl pushes back so you can see what I am up against. So many times, I have had to bite my tongue, so I don't explode.
There is so much I never knew or possibly ever asked and I know there are things that happened but forgotten details due to PTSD from the whole situation.
If I do, my username will be recognizable, I think. At this stage I would rather her not identify me.
I am hoping if she has a good look here it may help with her lack of empathy.
She is a very hard person to talk to and takes any type of criticism as a personal attack. Her coping mechanism is to lash out verbally then shut down.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/471651/premium-access/

This thread explains the process to change your username

Thanks, so you have to pay to change it. That's okay but unfortunately, we have joint credit cards so she will see the transition.

If there is no other way if I disable my profile will that remove my posts?

If anyone knows of any readings online (free obviously because of the credit card situation) that I could ask my wife to read that would or may help a cheater with absolutely no empathy or understanding how painful and hard to heal from infidelity is and the long-term effects from it through resweeping would be helpful.

I don't want to drop my feelings on her before I give her the chance to learn more on this.

Once I have given her that chance to at least try to understand then I will drop all this on her.

If I don't get any remorse and get some hard questions answered, then I am out of this 42-year-old marriage. I have to put my mental health first. I cannot live the rest of my life with this in my head every day.

I hope beyond all hope she comes round. Our life is good now and we get along better than ever now all the kids have gone and with both of us nearing retirement. I love her so much, but I can no longer live with this pain in my head.

[This message edited by fhtshop at 6:35 PM, Saturday, September 13th]

I recommend that you keep SI to yourself, because we all need a safe haven, and once you show your wife, this stops being a place of safety for you.

Instead, if you think she's open to it, point her at the SupportforWaywards subreddit, or have her watch some of the videos on YouTube by the Affair Recovery people. The book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair" is often helpful, too.

That said, I wasn't able to convince my WS to read anything that painted him in a negative light for a very long time. Until your wife is willing to take an honest look at herself, she's not going to receive any of these suggestions with an open heart.

Your son’s behavior has brought all that pain up. You never healed because of your wife’s reactions.

You can’t change her behavior. That is who she is. Since you have been married over 40 years your son is probably late 30s, early 40s. His behavior has put the spotlight on your ws. She wants nothing to do with anything that puts her in the wrong.

This is your reality. You are married to someone you allowed to rug sweep. It means you have had a life built on unsteady ground. If you proceed with divorce look at needing a support system, things to keep you occupied, access to good medical care.

I don’t think having her read here is going to change the needle one bit. You need IC. So does she.

It'll show up as a payment, not as a payment for name change. (to si,com, IIRC). Since you want to bring her onboard, I can't see a problem.

You can delete your posts, but they'll be restored. One guideline is not deleting one's posts, although you can edit them.

What do you hope would come from your W's reading here? Whatever that may be, ask your W directly to do that. Reading leads to various outcomes, many of which are the opposite of what one may want. My reco is to ask specifically for the one one wants.

For what it’s worth...
I scanned your previous posts and really don’t see anything that a truly repentant former wayward spouse committed to reconciling would find damaging for reconciliation. If anything they should appreciate the honesty.

To me the question would rather be: Based on my fear about her possible reaction to what I have shared – is she reconciliation material?

Not trying to tell you what to do here, but if I were you, I'd be asking....why am I staying with this woman? Do I really want to spend the rest of the time I have here on Earth with this person. I think you ate the entire shit sandwich for 25 years and went back for seconds and thirds. Maybe you need to stop and start doing what YOU really want in your heart, once you think of what that is. Instead of letting life flow over you, maybe grab it by the nads and decide how you want to spend the rest of it. You don't have to live like this in silent acceptance of something that wasn't acceptable. If it takes 25 years to come to that realization, that's what it takes. But you still have life left, you don't have to live like this, you can make choices and try to mold the time that's left. You can't control or change other people - I don't believe most people change. They can, but they don't. So this is what you have. WHAT DO YOU WANT ULTIMATELY? YOU. Don't live for other people, they're all adults now, don't think about the marital assets, or reputation, or other people's feelings, etc. If you have the means to make an independent life, then you have options. EXPLORE THEM.

As for your son....unfortunately he takes after his mother. I think a lot of life IS genetics, far more than we want to admit, including personality aspects. There's nothing you can do about his behavior except tell him what you think of it - which I would - and decide to what extent you want to deal with him and the thing he's involved with. That again is YOUR decision. Not his, not your wife's not anyone else's. I want to see YOU become empowered again. It's never too late.