SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been with my husband 9 years, 2 kids - 5&6. The most recent discovery was about two months ago, and it happened several months before, when I was out of town. I had to dig and find the truth myself, because he wouldn’t tell me.

This is the 3rd time that I have found him using
Tinder throughout our marriage - but I was never able to find proof that he met up with anyone. He even downloaded a ton of apps when I was pregnant with our second child.

I am just so mad at him. Whatever he wanted, I did it. He wanted me to be a SAHM after our first child was born, I obliged. He wanted me to help him with his business (for free), I said "okay". He wanted me to be on birth control asap after giving birth
(because he didn’t want to use a condom), I signed up for an appointment right away. And now, he even wants me to get my tubes tied, because he doesn’t want to get a vasectomy.

Looking back at everything, I can see that I was always the one sacrificing. He justifies his cheating, saying that I didn’t give him time. And yet, I was the one cooking and cleaning and raising the kids, while he travelled all across the world - alone.

How can they be so selfish and yet think that they are not in the wrong? It is unfathomable.

I can see that I was always the one sacrificing.

Yep. A dead giveaway. People who do nothing but take gain a sense of entitlement and do/justify whatever they want.

So why stay?

3 times? I'm also going to ask why you're staying? He has no incentive to change or reform his behavior if you keep forgiving him. That self-centered thinking is the same reason why he can't admit fault.

Please don't get your tubes tied for him. And consider getting a job now that your kids are old enough for school. Even a part time job will make you feel less dependent on him, which will enable you to hold to your boundaries more strongly.

And finally, why do you need proof that he met up with someone? A married person has no business being on Tinder. "Just looking/curious" is not an excuse! If you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, there's nothing to look for/be curious about.

I am very sorry you are experiencing this. Many people will be along to offer support.

Years later I can see things more clearly. I can see where I gave and exwh consumed. I think that is the nature of selfish ones. It takes a lot for persons of a selfish persuasion to do the work needed to become safe partners. This is why I encourage JFOs to take exquisite care of themselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

Many of us have been where you are. And I empathize with what you are going through.

I have complete empathy for your situation. I've been there. It's horrible.

When I went through it someone said a wise thing to me that I never forgot. No one can take from you unless you allow it.

I'm sure, now that you are looking back on it, you are starting to figure out that you gave your own dignity away a little at a time. It's how selfish partners work. They know how to push the envelope a little at a time. For a time they grace you with their "love" as a reward when they get their way, and then move on to the next expectation of you. And he does it because you showed him it works. The fact that you stayed after finding all those apps while you were pregnant convinced him he can get away with anything. And yes, that's your fault as much as it is his.

The only way to end the cycle is to put a full stop to it. Work on regaining your self respect and independence. Never let anyone talk you into not having a job, unless you are independently wealthy. Without financial independence you are a sitting duck for people like him. You can and will recover from this.

It infuriates me every time I see a cheater blame the betrayed spouse for their choices.

There is nothing you can do to make someone cheat. There are always, ALWAYS other choices and options. He cheated because of something broken in him. Not because of anything you did or didn't do. Outside of maybe escaping an abusive situation there's never a good justification for infidelity. Period. This is not your fault.

He justifies his cheating,

There is no justification for infidelity. Do not accept any responsibility for his poor choices and self-destructive behavior. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada!

Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have made any difference at all. His cheating is 100% on him.

I'm very sorry you're going through this horrible pain. Start with having some faith in yourself. You can heal. You can survive and thrive. You can lead a good life. You may have to send your H packing, if you find that's what you want or if he won't change, but if he won't step up and fulfill his responsibilities (which include loving you), do you really want him?

*****

I think the 1st question you need to answer is the 'Why am I staying?' question. Figure out your reasons. Once you know them, you can evaluate them.

IMO, a couple can reconcile from almost everything. The major change needed is for your H to change himself from cheater to good partner. I think he would be the prime beneficiary of making that change, but will he actually do it? Do you really want to stay with him? How much time does he have to change from cheater to good partner?

His behavior has been foul, but as pointed out above, you've accepted his behavior up to now. That's been a mistake up to now. Alas, you do not control your H; you control only yourself. Nothing will change for you until you change what your behavior. So, will you change yourself?

If you want to change and can't do that right now, a good IC can help.

*****

Changing is not easy. You are not at all responsible for your H's A. There are many things he could have done other than cheating, but he chose to cheat. That's on him. The problem is, again, nothing will change soon (or maybe ever) unless you change yourself into a person who demands that your H become a good partner or suffer the consequences on not doing that.

You deserve to be treated well by your partner. If he's not doing that, he won't change until you demand it. Again, if you're not able to do that right now, that's both OK and pretty normal. A good IC can help.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:14 PM, Thursday, March 19th]

Honestly I believe it comes with the territory selfish people cheat. My XWS was as selfish as it gets. Like you I sacrificed everything for him to just go around and do and act like he wanted. It earned him a D and was the best decision I have ever made for myself.

You're doing everything he wants so why should he change. He has everything he wants. It all worked out for him and you're very compliant. I think you've fallen into this trap of....I do everything for him, I do everything he wants, he's the center of the world, why does he do this....well, he doesn't value you because you don't value yourself. He's a stinker, obviously, and he'd probably cheat on any other woman too because he has low character and morals. Cheating always comes down to a lack of morals, he's found lies he tells HIMSELF to excuse his behavior - we all have temptation but morals are what keeps the goods in our pants. He doesn't have those. IMO, and this is easy to say but...it's still true I think....you need to find your own self respect and self worth, decide what YOU want for YOU and your kids. What kind of life in general, and what specifics you need....FOR YOU....don't even factor him into your thinking....you have to make your own goals and fill your own needs at this point because he won't. He gets what he wants with no effort. That's the major change I'd make in you - have more respect for yourself and your worth, and decide what you want to do for you,and what you WON'T DO FOR HIM ANY MORE. He wants things done this way or that way....he can go to hell. Can you tell him to go to hell or are you too afraid, both emotionally and financially? Can you assert yourself with him, or anyone? Are you too afraid of losing him? That gives him power over you. This might be stuff you can work on with a counselor (hope you can get one I know how difficult it can be to get or afford good therapists - even on line might help though). I know when I was younger and a lot more screwed up (I'm still screwed up but less), even a lot of self help books helped me - there are resources on this site, and you can find others for cheap or free elsewhere, even a library. But you need to feel more confident about saying NO to him and other people and getting your own needs met.

What can you do about him? Not a damn thing. He may or may not respond to changes in YOU but this would be about you deciding what your life is gonna be like. To the extent you can with kids, of course. BUT you can't really control him, you can decide to divorce, which I usually advocate because it usually IS the best decision, but I know many can't because of kids, finances, the economy etc. So in that case you may decide to make the best of a bad situation, in which case you tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and you're gonna stop doing X,Y, and Z. I'd stop giving him any sex for one thing. Why should you share yourself and your intimacy with someone who abuses you. There has to be some trade-offs here where it's not him getting all he wants over and over. That shit has to stop.

As to why he's doing this. Well, my husband did stuff like this with the dating sites too. It's all he did, he didn't go physical (he does have something of an EA which he's had for years and which I've decided to ignore for my own financial security reasons - I understand not all of us can walk.) He does it because he can, nothing really happens other than you getting mad. His life doesn't really change. He gets a lot of "kibbles" - rewards from doing this - he can pretend to be whatever and feel like a big shot. Unfortunately most online stuff doesn't usually just stop at online, people usually keep pushing the envelope. But that's why I tell you to start strengthening yourself and start pulling back on listening to him and doing things for him, but let him know why. Marriage cannot be a one way proposition. I think it's important he understand WHY you are doing or not doing things and that it's a direct result of X,Y,Z he's doing. So it becomes a negotiation.

Do look into divorce and see what it looks like to you, see a lawyer, it might not be as bad as you might fear and it might be a more livable life for you. The kids will adapt, we all do. It's often better to live with one functional parent than 2 people who are not working out and one deeply unhappy parent. Don't be afraid of divorce, know what it looks like for you realistically. You don't have to do anything right away either, you can plan. But this situation IS intolerable and you have to start putting your foot down to get things for yourself. As for his behavior, you can't control it, if he refuses to change and you don't feel you can divorce right now, I'd ignore it as much as possible, and just start living your own life as much as you can. And stop rewarding him for his bad behavior. If he doesn't treat you in a loving and supportive way, he shouldn't get that back. And it should be clear to him, that this is because of HIS BEHAVIOR. I would also get an STD test (or regular ones if he continues this behavior) if you continue to have sex with him. That's up to you, not him.

The only one you can change and control is you. You can perhaps effect his behavior but you have to set up your own intentions for life and marriage. You live an authentic and honorable life even if he will not, but you have to make sure you speak your mind so he knows. Good luck and stay with us and let us know how you're doing!!!! You're not alone, many of us deal with the exact same things.

This is the third Tinder behavior…as far as you know. He is a serial cheater. He might not hit a home run every time but he keeps putting himself up to bat.

Let’s discuss you. We all, myself included, teach people how to treat us. What have you taught him? It’s not pretty is it? In fact his behavior toward you is ugly. So my suggestion is to see a therapist who specializes in self esteem issues. It’s time you stood up for yourself.

Check in w a lawyer to see what options you have.