SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well. It's been a REALLY long time since I've posted. Like...YEARS. (I'm thinking around 2009?). But I had an urge today for some reason to come over and log on. No particular reason, something just told me to. I was going to just post "Hi!" in F&G, or maybe General, and then found this.

And I love this thread.

I sat here for a few minutes, thinking about what I wanted to say. There's the simple - "It gets better." (It does). Or the old timers understanding nod - "I promise, you'll look back one day..." (I do). Or even - "I know it hurts, but you'll look back one day..." (and don't you just want to smack someone when they say that to you? I did )

But none of that is really me anymore. I have lots of words, but sometimes too many will ramble together and then the purpose is lost.

This ... will change you. It changed me so very much, and in ways I still process. DDay was sometime in 2001. 14 years ago.

14 years ago...we'd only been married 14 years. Good grief, how does that happen, that I've been past DDay as long as I'd been married? And today I come back, to post. (It was totally not something I thought of until just now...)

It DOES get better, but "better" is a very individual thing. Our marriage is better - 28 years can do that (and sometimes it doesn't). My confidence is better (sometimes - I'm still that paranoid small town girl thinking people don't like her - difference is now at 46...I don't care if they don't like me. As much, anyway. And OMG. I was 32 on DDay??? I think I need a drink now... ). Our relationship is better (because...we learned who we were and learned how to either tolerate each other and how to say what we need or what we don't want.)

I checked around the site to see what was new, and found my one journal post. I could ramble on about how things are better than ever and whatnot, but this journal post, from 2007 (20 year anniversary and 6 years post-dday) - really kind of says what I'm trying to say. Life now is all this - and more.

Don't give up. Don't be sad if what the future holds is not what you think it will at this moment. Your future can change at any moment. It's more like...keep looking forward to what's next, and make it the best you can, whatever it may be. YOU will know when you know if it's right. It just ... clicks.

Member # 40 Posted: 9:58 AM, February 14th (Wednesday), 2007

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Honey, if you read this today - remember I told you that I was going to post.

20 years ago today (at 11:30 am), I married my high school sweetheart. He was my hero.

We've had some good times, some bad times, but mostly we've had each other. Sickness, health, birth of children, death of relatives - we grew up together. I was two months away from turning 18, and still in high school, and he was 21. He was there when I failed my driver's test the first time (hush BG, I drive just fine now ) and I was there when he ruptured a disk in his back at work. I made it with him thru rookie school and paramedic training (that one nearly did us in), and he helped me earn my degree.

He's the father to my precious boys - and we each got our very own mini-me out of them (somedays, that's a very stressful thing, having to deal with the exact same personality as my husband, only in the body of a 9-year old - I'm sure he feels the same way about my oldest )

We had some pretty hard times, and looking back, sometimes I'm just simply amazed that we're still married. God, there were some days that I hated that man - and I'm positive he can say that about me as well. We made mistakes, and we suffered the consequences - but we learned together, and we didn't give up on each other. And we didn't want each other to give up on us.

He can definately be an asshole, lol. And he'll brag about it. But then again, I've got my bitch side as well, so we complement each other. He's sarcastic, funny, witty, rude...all rolled into one. And I just love him to pieces. (except when he leaves the damn peanut butter knives in the sink )

He sent me 20 roses yesterday (because the shop couldn't guarantee what time they'd arrive today), and a card that he wrote.

"20 years...who'da thunk?"

Now that's poetry, lol. If he'd written anything other than that - then I would've known that he didn't write it. But it's honestly beautiful to me.

This morning, I repeated it back to him before I got up to get ready for work...and he told me that "Hell, hon. We're going to grow old and gray together, don't you know that?"

Happy anniversary, Big Guy

DD was only a few weeks ago, I was completely crushed, felt I was nowhere and was nothing -History an escort, he immediately took steps - transparency , therapy, him in therapy, me in therapy , him and I in therapy, today was our therapy, all was on the table, he was called to task with his considerations as to why, he was like a child being scolded by his mother ( therapist) ,we both laid our souls bare, in the process of this there was an understanding, not of what he did, that is more therapy for him , which he has set up for tomorrow, simply an understanding of our relationship - We were not even close in our thoughts of who we were together, an epiphany perhaps,but in the most part a path to move forward, it is going to be a long road, which he is on board with, time will tell,the therapist made him get on his knees and tell me what he felt not what he thought, it was a defining moment for both of us, next step him with the therapist to understand his action, to ensure it does not happen again,regaining trust will take time, however it seems it is possible, perhaps more than any of us thought could be- So there is a chance, I always think of the first movie from Dumb and Dumber when he asks " Is there a chance" She says one in a million ( there abouts) , his response is " so there is a chance" My Dumb WH is taking that chance... So I will too...

My ONS happened on our first engagement on August 11 2013, I told him what happened two days later. I found out I was pregnant and after begging for him back we got back together.

After some MC and lots of talking we are better then ever. We recently got engaged for the second time on June 30 2015. Unfortuntely my relationship with my future In-Laws is strained, and my fiance is estranged from them.

Positive story that occurs to me today?

-->we (fWW & me) are made of tougher stuff than I had realized. She has suffered, I have suffered. We have had good days, bad days. Melt downs, loving moments.

Yet, somehow, we keep marching forward. We both want R. And we're both working for that.

I realize this post is three years old, but I hope you're still active and get to see my response. I wanted to let you know that your post really helped me. Your words on "parallel planes" are SPOT ON. I'm only three months out from DDay, but the parallel realities are so true. I have that one plane that says "This will pass and something beautiful will remain" and that other plane that says "Take everything and run!" Each is just as real as the other. It's nice to see a success story from another man. Thanks for giving me the terminology to explain the feelings I'm having.

God bless.

My DD was eight months ago and despite some really wild ups and downs on the rollercoaster, we are finally hitting our stride on our reconciliation. I only discovered this sight a few days ago and it was truly illuminating to see that the definite consensus was that the affair was not my fault.

On DD, when I had discovered a trove of text messages dating back over one year on an old phone of hers, I confronted her that night and got the first partial confession, after having caught previous glimpses of what she had been up to, but no hard evidence of PA, just an EA. What came up over and over when I asked why she did it, was how I had making her miserable, being too angry at her and the kids and generally letting myself go, gaining weight, not playing guitar and not meditation or being committed to being my ideal self. I took this very hard, as I was new this strange new world of being married to someone capable of having such a long and emotional and sexual affair, right under my nose, with seemingly zero guilt.

Well, after perusing the articles and forum posts here I was ready to push back on that narrative. Although I had done so before, I was each time greeted with the slippery slope of how our marital issues were primarily caused by me and that the affair would NEVER had happened if that was not the case. This was classic Foggy thinking and rationalization.

Armed with this new knowledge, I wrote in my journal about it and she asked me last night about it. Of course, she was furious at first, incensed that I seemed to be back tracking on taking responsibility for my contributions to our marital issues. I emphasized that making her solely responsible for the affair had nothing to do with my ability to take responsibility for how I was at times a bad husband and how authentically she was suffering.

We went back and forth for a few hours, and we finally got to a place where she accepted what I was saying and began telling me how I was her choice by far as a lover and partner and husband and that the affair was a terrible mistake that she regrets every single day. She pledged her love and pointed out all the things she has done at my behest, no contact, remorse, going to MC together with me, disavowing her prior thinking about affairs (Sex at Dawn), etc.

We ended up spooning and cuddling and me telling her how much I loved and appreciated all the work she was doing and how she has really helped me heal and want to take her back. We even planned a romantic evening tonight so we can reconnect in the bedroom. Our sex life, by the way, has really come alive. We are way past the 'hysterical bonding' stage (that was fun!), but now our love making has a spiritual dimension, lots of eye contact and much slower and tender than ever.

I am truly excited at how much progress we have made in 8 months and even though I know there will be many rough days ahead, I realize we have what it takes to make this reconciliation work!

[This message edited by Aumanny99 at 1:37 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

POSITIVE STORY-

We've both been stressed lately with real-life (jobs, travel, kids, relatives). We've had some rough spots.

BUT...we're both trying and we both WANT this to work.

Two years ago I got the full truth. We both went into IC for a year. Him to figure out his why & deal with FOO issues. Me to process the trauma. We read some of Brene Brown's work. We both became vulnerable & began the process of being all in with full transparency. We put each other first, in all situations. What happened? He became authentic and free. I became confident. We express our love and passion for each other everyday. We have a lot of sex. That is wonderful!!! We don't want to be apart. We exercise together. He wants me to travel with him for work. People have asked us "What did you do?" Have said we are the most connected couple they know. We just say we made a commitment to put each other first. I still have pain sometimes but I can say that is not my reality now. I see a changed man. We have love, lust compassion and passion that is indescribable. I am truly grateful for all that I have. I love my husband more than my words can say. I'm proud of my strength and for my husbands strength to face this & do the work to be who he is today. I love to laugh with him and love what we have built and are continuing to build.

You can survive this. You can be happy again. You can get to an even better place.

DDay was December 5, 2013, with many many DDays after that. The last TT was in November of 2014. He has been rugsweeping, gaslighting and basically rewriting history - he isn't one to face his own demons. He also didn't show much remorse (well, if you rewrite history, what do you have to be remorseful for?). But...

He is fully here and invested in our marriage for the first time in our marriage (16 years now)

He is loving and cooperative and willing to listen to me without defensiveness.

I believe he is totally faithful (and has been for a while)

We laugh a lot! We talk more in one week than we ever have in a month. We share.

He is celebrating special days (never did before). I got a birthday gift. But, best of all, he gave me the most amazing anniversay gift that showed thought and consideration for who I am as a person. Folks, he created an outdoor tent of misquito netting with the most comfortable mattress and we slept under the stars! We listened to the night sounds and watched the trees move and smelled the fresh air and flowers. And got romantic.....

Best anniversary ever! Best gift ever! And reusable!

Have not posted since March and it has taken a while to catch up (that is just sad in itself). Tuesday will be 52 weeks since DD (not sure if we go by calendar weeks or actual date). That will be 2 weeks post his last "session" with her. We have officially been declared done by our MC and IC. Things were going greater then I could have thought. Then in April we got the diagnosis of prostate cancer. It isn't bad and the prognosis for survival is good but wow, what a test on the marriage. Like many of the posts before mine, I too have calculated the number of times. I know now I will never even come close. The treatment for PC leaves very little left in the actual biblical sex department. We haven't given up, but this has been a real battle. I have found myself second guessing why I have stayed and what it is I really want for ME. This is indeed a journey, and not for the weak of heart.

Ok, here is where I am. To be fair I will tell my ugly part of the back story. 16 years ago I had a brief EA with an old acquaintance. My wife had grown disinterested in me, my job/career sucked at the time, and I was hurting. It was long distance via phone and email, lasted only a few weeks, and my wife didn't find out, I confessed. When I did the wife said she wanted to work it out and showed me that she was willing to work toward that, so I cut if off 100% and never looked back. I'm not defending it and I probably didn't handle recovery very well for her. 18 months after she became bitter and resentful, wanted to leave but thought she couldn't, told me she only asked me back for the kids, tried to call an old HS boyfriend, and when that didn't work out had an EA (in my opinion, though she denies it) with an older man who we now know preys on vulnerable women. We got through all that, seemed to be recovering well for several years, had our third child, and did well for about 10 years. I developed some health problems, was on medication that killed libido (not on that anymore), and different busy jobs pulled us into nearly separate lives. We grew apart. She hated her job as well and was going through a stereotypical midlife crisis. She then called up that same old HS flame almost 2 years ago and they started an affair. I need to insert here that my wife is not an affair person. She was looking for a permanent change--to leave me--and at that point he was looking for the same. They started having an affair. I found out via phone records after 5 months. She confesses, said it was just an EA (though now I know that was a lie even then), and said she ended it. I discovered a couple times over the next 2 months that it was ongoing. We started CC and again she said it was over. Over the next 6 mos I saw signs that it was ongoing but couldn't catch her and she always denied it. Then 13 months into the affair I found and email account and was able to read enough to know it had never stopped, it was sexual, he had divorced his wife, and she was planning to divorce me. Chaos and hell reigned for the next 2 months, and it appeared over. I began talking to her as if there was no hope and about moving on myself. Let me interject here to say that, much to my own surprise, I still wanted my wife. I had worked hard over those months to make needed changes to my own life to be a better husband and father and to show my love for her. I still wanted her if she would end the affair and give herself back to me. When I had finally given up hope I asked her to make love to me again as a remembrance. She wanted that, and once turned into several times over a week (we hadn't had sex before that in nearly 2 years). All this together sparked something, because she came to me out of the blue and said she wanted to stay. It took more time that I had hoped for her to fully end it, though she stopped any physical contact immediately, stopped meeting him, and only communicated by email. It took 2 months for all contact to stop. Then I know there was about a month of mourning, looking at old things on the internet that reminded her of the 15 month affair. I hated those things when I found them, but she says not they helped her get past it, to know for sure that she wanted me not him, etc. Well, all of that is 3 months past. I know for sure she has not met with him in 6 months. I can find no evidence of any kind, and I'm pretty good at looking, that she even emailed him in 6 months. We went away for a week together in June and she told me she saw the changes I have made, that she didn't want to return to our old life, but was 100% committed to building a new life together and that she would not go back to him or look elsewhere again.

Whew! That said, I still struggle with trust, obviously. I know that will take time to build. We have made headway, and I feel good about that, but have a long way to go. I struggle with intense periods of sadness and depression. Sometimes I can't get it all out of my head. We are having sex more--about once a month now with quite a bit of "heavy petting" in between for the past 3 months--but I still struggle with feeling like she is not quite into it--like she is accommodating me more than expressing passion for me. I think she is genuinely remorseful, but she struggles to communicate that and I struggle not seeing/hearing it from her. Someone who can relate to my story and where I am now, I would appreciate any helpful response or suggestions you can offer.

I just wanted to say thank you, THANK YOU, to everyone who shared their stories on this thread. I haven't finished reading all of them yet because I am saving them for times when, like this weekend, I need a little extra hope.

We are 2 months post DD, still working through the early early phases of possible R. As the WW, I am trying to be productive and take positive action to rebuild, but still have many moments of my own despair in realizing how I ruined the life we built together, how I have hurt and undermined my BH to his core. The guilt, regret, rage, and disgust with myself...bleh.

I don't know what our future holds but I will keep trying my best to show him how sorry I am and how I will never do anything like this again. Right now, I want remind others as I remind myself to acknowledge and appreciate the progress we have made so far. It's scary, and it's painful, but he's hung in there so far and still says he loves me every day, so that's something. :)

I'm the fight of his life..... He said this to me the other day during a very deep conversation.... For some reason this meant more to me than the numerous I'm sorrys.

It has been almost 14 months after DDay...and things just keep getting better !! We are at a point in our life where I can travel with my FWH when he goes to the different job sites. I was with him for a few months overseas last year...but I got called back to the states for a family medical emergency. It was during this time that my FWH had his A .

A few days ago we were going traveling again...the first time going to a job site where my FWH wasn't going to be home at night. I started having triggery thoughts...remembering about the last time we had done this. I am not sure if my FWH sensed this in me or not...he has become very tuned in to my emotions since DDay. But without me saying anything...he told me that this is his chance to make things the way they were supposed to be from the last time we did this . ALL of my anxiety melted away at his words!! THIS trip has been WONDERFUL...and I can honestly say I have had NO triggers at all...just FUN times!!

I have come to realize that the A was not the most devastating thing that happened in our M. It would have been living our life the way we were pre-A. I have heard that ignorance is bliss...and you don't miss what you never had. These have been true sayings for me because I was definitely ignorant of what my FWH was thinking pre-A. But NOW...oh gosh...NOW...Life is so GREAT!! The A was the catalyst that made us change...but having this M now is just Heaven !!

So this is what it feels like to survive the first year. Mind you, DD#1 only revealed the emotional affair, that she had a male friend with whom she was sharing our marital troubles, for whom she had "tender feelings", but she claimed they never became physically close. I found out about it when I was looking at her browser (she had asked me to make it run faster) and the most recent entry said "Deleted Facebook Message". I clicked the link and it led to his page. Two DD's later by Nov 7, and I finally was aware that she had lied and the affair was fully romantic (I love you) and physical, for over two years worth.

So here I stand, 364 days later, and I feel great. So here's what it took:

1) IC: my therapist put me in touch with fact that I don't express my needs and don't put myself first. That my self esteem leads me to be co-dependent and constantly try to prove my self worth. I don't connect with others, because I suppress how I truly feel and don't trust anyone, other than myself, to take care of me.

2) Did the 180: got in shape, meditated, read countless articles and 4 books on relationships, affairs, emotions, including: "Hold Me Tight", "Not Just Friends", "After the Affair", "Radical Acceptance" and currently "What Makes Love Last". Also Athol Kays' books "Married Men Sex Primer 2011".

3) MC: settled on 3rd therapist and did about 8 sessions. She was good at getting us to see how our relationship dynamics could improve. She ensured my fWS heard loud and clear: "monogamy is not bullshit", as she had concluded before starting her own affair, as her FOO was torn up with affairs, and her friends and clients were all either miserable or having affairs or both.

4) Cried: ALOT!!! Almost NEVER cried before. Still cry about every other to third day. But now, realizing that mourning who we were and who I was is pointless. Our relationship was fake and causing both of us to suffer. We were unconnected and arguing all the time. She was lying to me for years and cheating on me. I don't want to return to that EVER. Now, I realize I still am sad she could hurt me this profoundly, but her finding and fine tuning her remorse to exactly what I need to move past has been a boon to my healing.

5) Hysterical bonding to Tantric Sex: The initial weeks past final DD were intense with both of us trying everything under the sun to make sex so hot we'd melt the bed. But all those positions and fantasies and games didn't lead anywhere real, except to prove that we still had chemistry and lust for each other despite the affair. This has slowly evolved into a more connected, slower, more intimate experience, which although still intense, now feels more holistic and deep. We experiment less, but feel more satiated and more deeply in love.

6) IC for fWS: She has dug deep. Her IC didn't go far because she was still numb and deeply in the Fog, mainly coming home from each session telling me how to be better in bed, how I broke her heart first before she ever had affair and how my porn use, to extent she didn't know about it, was also cheating. This was leading us nowhere. Finally, I found SI and stood up for fact that blaming me in any way for affair was not legitimate. All couples have problems, both share blame for, but having an affair is a toxic, unhealthy, reprehensible response. It adds to the problems 10 fold, and is really based on selfishness and entitlement and lack of empathy. By stating my position, it opened her up to deeply exploring the true "why?" of how she could do that. She sees now how numb she was and how sorry for hurting me this way she feels. Now, when I cry she reminds me of this remorse and comforts me until I feel truly loved, as if I'm the only man in the world.

7) We talk like never before. No longer do we argue in toxic ways. No longer are we blissfully unaware of each other's raw spots. We have learned each other's language of love: for her 'words of appreciation' for me 'touch'. We have decided together to take a break from MC and just enjoy each other's company as much as we can. We date, we chat over wine, we listen, and no topic, including the affair and AP, is off limits. Our emotional inner life is naked to the other. We bare our souls and treasure the chance to show we earned our right to keep each other safe.

8) We have started to look forward to the future again. No longer are all plans on hold. I can't say anything forever, because this experience has shown us that is never something we can truly promise, but we feel deeply invested in fully healing these wounds and can see how all this pain has yielded wisdom and strength that guarantees more than ever that we have a real shot at surviving this infidelity.

I will continue to come here for support in my second year, and especially as the DD#3 for the physical part of the affair is still coming up (for me the physical part was the most gut wrenching and the source of mind movies I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy), but I think I will need to less. I want to thank all of those of you who helped me on this journey and feel confident I will personally survive this in large part thanks to the support and wise words I found on these forums.

From the bottom of my heart: THANK YOU!!!

My positive story for today:

I was talking to my H on the phone when I finished my work day. We speak on the phone many times a day religiously since Dday four plus years ago and really even before. In our conversation we were both saying we couldn't wait to see each other later in the day. He then said "you know you have EVERY part of me...my heart, my body, my soul,every emotion...it's all yours and only yours." I said "well that's good cause I want all of that..I'm greedy like that". He then said "as you should be"

He really works hard every single day to make sure I am healing and secure. He keeps telling me he will do that for the rest of our lives.

We are now 3 months out from DDay and things are going very well.

My boyfriend and I were both suffering from severe depression around the time it happened. We both were not being honest to each other about our feelings.

Since it happened we have been doing so much work on ourselves and our relationship and we are both so much happier. My boyfriend tells me constantly how much he loves me and we both can't imagine being apart from another now. I know we still have a way to go but right now everything is very very nice. I'm excited to keep working.

I feel that I'm among the "fortunate" ones here on SI. On DDay1 my world as I knew it to that point collapsed around me, taking me to my knees sobbing and wailing like the wounded animal that I was. Primal, open, vulnerable. Next to me in a similar state was my fWH, his world, too, was changing before his eyes, the realization of what he had done and what it was likely to cost him pushing him down, down, down. It was the lowest point of my life, and of his.

But in those raw moments when reason was not to be found, only base instincts and memories of our past, we both came to the same point--do whatever was within our power to save our relationship. It looked impossible at the time. What were we doing? How could we repair the damage done? Does ANYONE really survive this as a couple, remain together "happily" married after this? No roadmaps, just trust in ourselves and surprisingly in one another.

Our reconciliation was not soft or easy. We fought, we raged, we said and did horrible things to one another. There was a trip to the ER after midnight several days after Christmas, one of the lowest of our low points. But as ugly and brutal as it was, it was actually helping us get to the truth, to open ourselves to one another, to push as hard against the other as we could, to see if they'd still be standing next to us when the dust settled. Never once did my fWH throw up his hands and walk away. As far as I know once he initiated NC with all other parties, he did not violate that. He recognized from the start the gift he was given and made a promise to himself and to me not to falter. He'd let me down before, and this was his only opportunity to show me that he was NOT that weak, damaged, cheating person--he wanted this chance to become better for me (I've since helped him see that he really was doing it for him).

All to say that just over a year from DDay1, we're in a very good place. fWH still is working consistently in IC, is actively engaged on marriage repair, becoming the husband he once could only imagine himself to be. For both of us, we've had to learn to share our emotions with one another, honestly communicate, learn to treat one another as best friends. It feels good! We are the couple that really didn't know how to have a marriage. Our role models weren't helpful, so we simply did the best we could, but failed miserably. For us, for me, this is my chance to create the marriage of our design. It's an amazing feeling to know we can have a happy, successful, authenic marriage -- one in which we each are contributing and working to make it the best it can be.

It took this crisis for us to get to this point. At only one year out, there is still a lot of work to do. I see glimpses of what lies ahead, including further understanding for fWH of how he got so far down the path that he did and a greater understanding on my part of who I am and my identity outside of simply "Mrs Psych". But to believe that we can each do this work while also being friends with one another, building dreams for a future together, makes my heart sing at times. Almost enough to push my sadness of what all has transpired to get us here to the corner for most hours of the day.

One current positive to share: We are going to start a dream book. A notebook to record our goals and dreams for the future: ideas on remodeling our kitchen, places we'd like to travel to, things that make us happy such as crafts to work on together (we are currently focused on making bat houses to give as Christmas gifts this year). Not sure if this suffices as a positive reconciliation story, but to me it feels like we are truly among the lucky ones to have not only survived infidelity, but to have found a way to use that tragedy to create something wonderful from it. I'm almost afraid to say that. But I do believe it's the truth. I don't believe (nor does he) that we'd have found ourselves here without something huge to wake us up. Thanks for reading

So counselling last night. After was a bit bad.

True to say the deed has been done and cannot be changed.IT HAPPENED. I have decided that due to our solid foundation we can get through this as his remorse is showing and I know it is totally finished with the OW. No more picking at the scab.

I feel positive, mu son and friends support is amazing. My angels are on my shoulder saying go on girl you are better than this.

Today is the start of the scab healing over. I will survive. I am going back to my normal regime up early in the mornings, swimming, gym having a good social life.....

Watch H I am out there to show you what you missed over the last two years..

H knows he said I have come alive in many ways...

Thank you all who relied.

New people don't dwell move on and believe in yourself. Do something for YOU......

WE DID NOTHING WRONG...

I am smiling today...nd it's only five weeks on

I see the sunny side already. My H is VERY VERY sorry and the love he knows he could have lost is killing him..

We CAN do this, YOU can too....

thank you for posting your stories!! it has given me hope for my marriage:)