SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Quite simply, anyone that leaves a loyal partner and has an affair with someone who doesn’t respect the sanctity of their fellow adulterer’s marital status and family is trash. They definitely affair down purely on ethical behavior, moral compass levels even if they look like George Clooney. In my case, the guy she had an affair with is such an ugly bastard and such a loser it defies logic. Just remember the affair isn’t about the person they cheat with but the WS insecurities and ugly side of their character. Walk with your head held high. Being a cheater is a massive cross against someone’s name. Being a victim of cheating is nothing to be ashamed. You will survive and prosper. They will forever live with the title of cheater.

[This message edited by Mene at 8:10 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)]

This post fits my situation so well. It sort of explains why on earth my WH would EVER go after this particular OW. I'm not sure this is 100% true for us, as he has never said this, but it seems to fit quite well.

For so many posts here at SI - the AP was “attractive” because they needed the cheating spouse’s help.

The CS was needed. They get sucked into the KISA syndrome / Knight In Shining Armor. That is why the AP is often a loser, has serious issues, addictions, “oh poor me” type.

As in my H is mean to me or my wife doesn’t understand me or my 5 kids have different fathers and I have no money blah blah blah.

You get the picture. The AP needs rescuing and the CS suddenly feels sorry for the AP. The CS confuses “love” with being needed and rescuing the poor sad AP FYI. Their terrible miserable life.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:02 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)]

Even if the packaging outside looks nice, the black, tarry, filth inside the AP makes them beyond ugly.

They are filth

Bump

BUMP!!!

Thanks WTBHA, this post has always been a comfort in times of pain.

You are welcome PurpleHaze...this is a very inspirational post...and so very true!!!

I can relate. While I would never consider myself any kind of "prize", my WW's AP looks like he just walked out of a casting call for a remake of DELIVERANCE.

I will never understand it.

BeyondRepair-

Man, you are a prize. You have stayed faithfully married to the same woman for 23 years and are raising two kids together. That in and of itself make you a GRAND PRIZE!

I skimmed through the posts though I admittedly missed half of them. I completely agree with the subject of the post.

As I think about all the qualities in a partner that could be rated, I'm certainly higher than AP in most of them (some by significant orders of magnitude), and good in all of them. But it doesn't matter. You can't be best at everything, and even if you are, a flawed mate could just cheat anyway.

The list of qualities BTW:

THOSE THAT OFTEN MATTER MORE FOR CHEATERS:

Attractiveness

Fitness

Sexual prowess

Wealth

Confidence

THOSE THAT SHOULD MATTER MORE BUT DON'T

Openness

Honesty & Integrity

Respect & Independence

Empathy

Intelligence

Affection

Sense of Humor

Maturity

Thanks so much for that, jackfl. Means a lot, man!

It’s a really hard thing to reconcile. I was discussing this last night with my WW. What better qualities did the bastard you had an affair with have over me? None. She couldn’t find any.

I said she chose to cheat with him because she knows her father wouldn’t have approved of such a loser. Her late father adored me. Subconsciously, she was getting back at him for whatever insane reason. WS need to do intense IC to understand their thinking and motivations. There are reasons but not excuses. Flawed character reasons. Always slap down a WS’ argument that tries to justify an affair. There are none.

I said to my WW, what type of man cheats with a married woman? What does that say about him. Especially, if he’s married, too. That thought is ugly. It’s an ugly act. And ugly people do such things.

[This message edited by Mene at 6:11 PM, August 18th (Saturday)]

To say that my xh affaired down was/is a nauseating understatement.

No.

Seriously.

I think the only thing that tops knowing that my husband destroyed our almost 14 yrs marriage for his [then] equally married *AND* heavily pregnant (by MY husband) 9th grade dropout gf was getting to see, hold, read & get copies of several pages of court documents that spelled out in zero uncertain language that what I thought was xh & OW's shiny happy new life was, in fact, a disgusting shit show that ended *far worse* than our former marriage:

I let out an audible gasp & an expression of pure when & where I read that my husband literally abandoned me for an equally married young woman who happily stayed dating, living with *AND* non stop fucking her equally married bf through not just one or even two but three, yes, THREE separate FELONY charges of *INTENTIONAL* Child Abuse/Harm To A Child - all between October 1, 2012 & March/mid May 2013.

It was through the course of an otherwise "normal" checkup that medical staff noticed obvious signs of [physical] abuse on the 2-5 months old twins that they brought to the checkup visit.

Court documents told how whatever ex &or OW told medical personnel contradicted what they (doctors) were finding & being licensed healthcare professionals, they were mandated by law to notify law enforcement.

State child protective services staff accompanied by sheriff's deputies swiftly intervened & confiscated the twins & immediately placed them in emergency foster care.

My husband literally abandoned me for an approximately 12-15 yrs younger woman who freely & happily stayed "dating", living with & fucking her boyfriend.

I was abandoned for a young woman who had zero seeming qualms about destroying her own marriage (and likely others I still don't know about), in addition to OW selfishly, thoughtlessly, recklessly throwing an emotional hand grenade into the life & security of her then preteen child from her own marriage.

And instead of OW deciding & choosing to get off her lying ugly ass & either evicting her unemployed, shiftless abusive "soul mate" AND/OR grabbing her/their twin babies & making a rocket speed beeline for ANY number of their city's 24/7 crisis nurseries/domestic violence shelters...what, according to court documents, did OW instead freely choose to do? OW freely & happily decided & chose to stay involved with, continue living with AND fucking her [by then divorced] boyfriend though not one or even two but THREE SEPARATE medical AND criminal findings of INTENTIONAL child abuse!

I know little of the OCs beyond their names, who they were named after & that, according to these same court documents, both Xh AND ow BOTH had their parental rights suspended & ultimately TERMINATED within a matter of weeks.

I'm not entirely sure IF ow even had the opportunity or chance to fight for her/their twins.

It's my understanding that once CPS & police intervened & began investigating, legally losing her/their babies was a foregone conclusion.

I couldn't believe that OW miraculously managed to keep shared custody of her [now teen] child.

Last year, my PTSD therapist explained that OW was able to keep shared custody of her now 16/17 yr old daughter simply bc the teenager was NOT in OW's home when the abuse against her little half siblings occurred.

My therapist went on to say that, sadly, it's extremely common for a parent or parents to keep/maintain custody of a non abused child.

I will likely NEVER understand how ow very much INTENTIONALLY became pregnant by my then husband...and then turns around just a relative few short weeks later & knows or at least *suspects* that her [in the process of being divorced] boyfriend was alternately neglecting AND/OR [physically] abusing their 2-5 months old twin babies.

Apparently ow was sooo in lurve with her equally married bf & a nonstop supply of dick & likely drugs was so awesome...that OW couldn't help BUT decide & choose to stay involved, living with & fucking her [being divorced] boyfriend....through not just one or, hell, even two, but THREE separate FELONY child abuse charges.

In closing, it's worth sharing how Xh was found guilty of all 3 felony child abuse charges & ex was sentenced to 4 yrs work release.

Yep.

Xh received 4 yrs WORK RELEASE - for 3 class H felony charges of INTENTIONAL Child Abuse/Harm To A Child.

What punishment did OW receive - other than losing custody of AND legal rights to the 2-5 months old twin babies that she deliberately became pregnant with - NOTHING, really.

Once Xh was in jail & was sentenced to work release, from all indications, OW jumped back up on a seemingly endless merry-go-round of new & different dicks. Job AND bed hopped. Changed locations AND career fields a couple times & settled a couple yrs ago into an area not far from where OW grew up.

Aside from the permanent legal loss of the babies that OW deliberately became pregnant with, by my then husband, OW has really hasn't suffered any real consequences.

OW's been "engaged" to yet another guy for at least a couple yrs now.

OW still shares custody with & of her now 16/17 yr old daughter.

OW even works in some behavioral health place!

OW is STILL very much on Facebook AND at least 8 different social media/pic sharing sites.

OW's social media is still very much PUBLIC - even after everything I've shared in this post!

As for Xh? Aside from a single not quite 13 minute late night phone call from xh around the time xh admitted to indeed being on work release, I haven't heard from xh since aprox May 2013.

Xh blocked me on social media around the time he literally ran away with OW & I've only seen xh once since that fateful morning he couldn't wait to run away with his equally married AND knocked up skank:

Somewhere around the middle of last September, after work, I literally had about a 2 second chance encounter with Xh in a chain supermarket's fairly large parking lot.

What struck me was how grossly overweight, sloppy & all around crummy Xh looked in those 2 or so seconds before I entered the store doors.

I couldn't believe seeing Xh much less encountering him in the parking lot of a supermarket just a few minutes drive from where I currently live.

I learned from a relative towards the end of September last yr that, unbeknownst to me, xh apparently lived in my city for a year or two, but the relative didn't elaborate & I didn't think to ask bc, by then, I stopped caring about xh a couple yrs after he abandoned our marriage & I stopped loving xh long before that chance parking lot encounter.

My xh didn't just affair down.

No.

He happily helped destroy & rewrite 4 months shy of 14 yrs worth of good, bad & ugly relationship history.

All for an equally married 9th grade dropout scam artist druggie who now lives, from all discernible indications, a good & even charmed life. Even after everything that transpired between August 2011 & May 2013.

Xh didn't affair down.

My xh affaired somewhere under the dumpster & a sewer drain grate.

And thanks to their state's Freedom Of Information Access Act (FOIAA), I have irrefutable proof of their star crossed made for Maury shit show of a relationship & how everything ended.

Thank you to whoever got to reading this far!

1ptsdsurvivor

That is one of the worst stories I have ever read.

I am so sorry for you - forchaving to live with all of that. I don’t know how you survived it.

The1stWife: Thank you for your kind words - bc I still don't fully know how I managed but I know that I did.

My then h's OW must've really been whispering in his ear AND/OR up his ass about sticking it to & really fucking me...but WHY - what did *I* ever do to OW - bc I didn't even know she even existed.

Besides, stbx & his still very much married skank were all too happy to steal, break & destroy their way through not just our marital home, but OW happily helped herself to a sizeable chunk of MY clothes, jewelry, household items & antiques bc these were things that either she wanted AND/OR things that she & her married bf (my husband) could/would either sell for pennies on the dollar &or trade for drugs or who the hell knows what.

It was only many months & a good couple yrs after I divorced xh that that truth about this OW began coming out & it's no small exaggeration to say that my husband literally ABANDONED our marriage & me for a 25 yr old equally married skank that told her lover that he "...didn't have to work IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO..."

Meanwhile, while across town either at work or while I was at home, my husband was parading OW around a specific & rather run down VFW bar; parading his equally married AND knocked up skank around like OW was some prize he won @ the county fair.

Once I was told that my husband planned to divorce AND serve *me* AT WORK with [divorce] papers, through much tears & in my off time, I prepared to divorce stbx faster than he was aware of.

Bc I only knew of the state & city that stbx & skank ran off to & neither a working phone # nor a discernible address to forward certified legal mail to - as well as the 1st arrest of ex's THREE felony child abuse charges, xh wasn't aware that I'd filed for AND was awarded my divorce around 9-10 weeks after he & his still very much married skank skipped not only our area but the state.

I was "awarded" my divorce & on line #5 of the divorce paper, the judge wrote in bold capital letters reason(s) for divorce are as follows: "EXTREME *AND* REPEATED MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL CRUELTY."

With many in my eyes, I still managed to graciously & genuinely thank the very professional, courteous & decent judge that had given visible weight & consideration to my papers & verbal testimony.

When the judge pronounced me divorced & lightly tapped his gavel, I actually gently bowed, thanking him through much tears & in English & another language I peripherally grew up speaking.

I almost physically backed out of that courtroom backwards.

I was so truly grateful to the judge that I couldn't take my eyes off of the bench area & I think the judge knew this.

I quietly nodded almost bowing to even the bailiffs on my way out & when in the hallway waiting area, I quietly cried for about 10 or so minutes than began a quiet sad yet victorious 20 some minute walk home.

I myself to sleep but felt rested & though still hurting, I went into work the next day determined to continue putting one foot in front of the other & keep right the hell on going forward into my new normal, however tenuous, fragile & hopeful things were.

In ending this little post, it's worth sharing that for almost a year or so, wherever I went or whatever I did & whether it was with my mother or extended family or my 1st post divorce boyfriend, I carried my divorce decree with me in a small plastic envelope.

I guarded my divorce decree like a precious time sensitive document from a Roman emperor or from someone extremely important.

One night, the 1st post divorce bf told me that it was ok to safely put my divorce paper away.

He said it was ok to put it in a drawer & I'd still be divorced.

I held tight to & guarded my divorce decree bc it was & IS [legal] proof that I *survived* divorcing a monster...a monster who, just a few months after he literally high tailed it out of both town AND state, would go on to [physically] beat the 2-5 MONTHS OLD twin boy & girl babies that OW very much DELIBERATELY became pregnant with

Xh absolutely could NOT WAIT to both literally ABANDON me & our marriage & do so for his equally married skank who, according to court documents, freely AND happily stayed in a relationship with, stayed LIVING with AND fucking (unprotected AND repeatedly) a man that she (ow) absolutely KNEW was alternately neglecting AND/OR [physically] battering the very babies that OW deliberately became pregnant with.

I am sadly relieved that I decided & chose to divorce the flaming dumpster fire of a malignant monster known as my ex husband.

And if anyone wants to know his & OWs names, dates, city, etc, I'm more than happy to provide the info bc it's very much publicly accessible in addition to their still public social media.

Neither xh NOR ow can EVER be rightfully mad @ *me* bc, well, neither police nor court documents lie, regardless of how much xh AND/OR ow continue, to this very moment, to do just this.

Xh certainly found his moral equal in the medically filthy, disease spreading, lying, dangerous OW.

Yet xh wanted & demanded information on me & my life 2 yrs AFTER xh couldn't wait to rid himself of me AND completely rewrite our 4 months shy of 14 yrs together?!?

As I've heard other SI members so eloquently say - "Fuck that guy!"

[This message edited by 1ptsdsurvivor71 at 10:50 PM, August 19th (Sunday)]

Bump

Really hit the spot!

The list of qualities BTW:

THOSE THAT OFTEN MATTER MORE FOR CHEATERS:

Attractiveness

Fitness

Sexual prowess

Wealth

Confidence

THOSE THAT SHOULD MATTER MORE BUT DON'T

Openness

Honesty & Integrity

Respect & Independence

Empathy

Intelligence

Affection

Sense of Humor

Maturity

This was much needed today. Thank you! Will be saving this for reference every time I feel unworthy or my self esteem is in the toilet.

Most truthful post I have read. My husband’s long term AP was quite literally 500 pounds and is 5’2’’. She had weight loss surgery and probably goes about 275 now. He was addicted the total adulation she gave him. And she was just happy to have someone fuck her as her husband had stopped years ago. Can you blame her husband? Imagine one of those enormous woman you see on a joke birthday card? I am not exaggerating when I say, THATs HER.