SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A year and a half ago, I discovered he was cheating on me with multiple anonymous men. My world was shattered in front of me, around me, under me. I wanted to stay with him, but he felt that what he had done was unforgivable. No hope left.

The badness didn't stop there, I moved in with a family (they were my friends). We were incompatible and they brought a lot of stress to my life. My poor work performance resulted in cut hours and a week long suspension.

Eventually, I moved out. I now have a wonderful roommate in which we barely see each other as agreed upon. My work performance improved and I was able to get my hours back.

I met someone who gave me a new outlook on life. We began a tentative relationship but had to end it due to our province's failing economy and his decision to travel. However, he taught me the joys of travelling. He also taught me the importance of a good work-life balance.

I have gone down 3 sizes ever since starting trips to the gym with my coworker. If it wasn't for my new found fitness, I would never had been able to do some of the things I have done in my travels.

Friend-wise, I have learned who are worth keeping. Other's I have been forced to cut out of my life. It hurt, but it's better in the end. Many sided with him, but as a coworker told me "good, you don't need them". In all honesty, yes, it did make me feel like a source of illness. This man cheated on me, he just committed the ultimate betrayal and I get shunned?!

However, I stopped by a funeral and an older friend waved me down. He asked what happened, and I told him. Another older friend approached me next time I saw him. Looks like I got the important friends.

Forgiveness came slowly. I will never forgive him for the cheating or the lies. I do forgive him for the path leading up to his choice to cheat. Forgiving myself is something I'm still working on.

I'm still continuing on my beginning. Some days are very difficult. In the end, I was forced to gain more confidence than I had lost. My next plan is to travel across my country. I hope I have the courage to follow through

[This message edited by BallofPain at 1:28 AM, January 18th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by newlife03 at 8:18 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]

Bad History: After 23 years together, she changed, started berating me, while having a sexual and romantic affair with an OxyContin junkie she met in AA. After months of this horror, I sleuthed around and found implicating emails. She admitted to an EA and we began R. A few weeks into it, she backslid into cruelty. I re-sleuthed, found far more damning evidence and re-confronted her for a full confession.

We tried R, but she became increasingly defensive and angry, eventually exploding into full furies of cruelty and anger at me. So, we split and had an acrimonious separation.

Our daughter was 17 at the time of the split and she is struggling mightily as XWW leans on her for emotional support.

Started dating after a few months. Too early by many assessments, but just wanted to date a bit.

Re-connected with someone I'd known as part of a long-divorced couple friend. I'm a hopeless romantic/monogamist, and I quickly realized she's an amazing person - brilliant, loving, interesting, beautiful and very wise. What ever the opposite of "drama queen" is, she is that.

We've been dating for several months and there has been no sign of the craziness that has hallmarked my previous romantic entanglements. I've done a lot of soul searching on why I've been historically attracted to beautiful, intelligent, charismatic, but deeply broken women (Imago therapy would say I'm attracted to female versions of my Dad).

We're taking it slowly and deliberately and I'm developing deep feelings for her.

I think I got it right this time (finally!).

I'm still in the healing phase...but I read a post here that knocked me back and I felt compelled to write...I too secretly am glad the cheating happened...I cant believe I just typed that! We had cracks, I tried to leave, he convinced me to stay and I just accepted what I had and didn't see what could be obtained if I left...so there I said it, I feel incredibly selfish yet relieved. If that makes sense? Its kind of like a job I had...I was happy-ish but wanting to leave, then was laid off..so it pushed me to find something better.

SAME thing applies, I wanted out but couldn't find the strength to leave...his cheating being exposed, I'm able to leave (gasp!) - SI and family, you truly are amazing.

I'm glad too that my now Ex cheated and continued to lie. I would have hung on in that marriage to the bitter end if that hadn't happened, unhappy and not valued. I gave up my family, friends, history and country to be with him. I lived in a part of his country that never suited me (I'm a city person, he's a country person). When I would complain about my unhappiness he would say, "That's the deal and I'm not re-negotiating terms." So, I struggled to find my place and make a life for myself. I turned myself inside out to try and make a marriage and life work for me and somehow stay true to myself and my values.

When I discovered my EX's A just four days after our 18th wedding anniversary, I was shocked, distraught, traumatised, anxious and paranoid. He said he never intended to leave me and said that he wanted to stay together and repair the marriage. He refused to get into IC, I started going immediately after DDay, twice a week. He would only attend MC.

We struggled on for a year. I was in turns depressed and angry and filled with the kind of pain that I never thought possible. The triggers, the grief, the heartbreak...it was terrible.

About a year into that hell, I ran a Dr. Fone scan on his phone and undeleted texts that revealed that he had violated NC repeatedly and had lied to me about it repeatedly. He even met the OW for a drink at a sports event they both attended. Which he of course lied about. I was done. I kicked him out and told the children what had happened and why we were divorcing. They were relieved. When we got together two weeks after that to discuss recent events, they asked him why he continued to have contact with the OW if it was a deal breaker for me and he said, "I didn't think I would get caught." That was probably the most honest thing he had said in years.

When I saw my therapist as an emergency apt following Dday 2 and the end of my marriage, she asked me how I was feeling. I said I was feeling shocked and sad and scared and overwhelmed. She said, yes and what else? And then it came to me, I was feeling relieved. I was profoundly relieved that the marriage where my needs were never taken into consideration and where my EX had some sort of sadistic need to hurt me was over. I tried, no one could say I didn't, but I was well and truly done.

Another year went by and I had sold the marital home and bossed the shit out my divorce process as best I could with my then STBXH dragging the whole thing out. He had become so unstable and irrational and basically distraught over the end of the marriage and his family life, that the kids said that they wouldn't see him anymore if he didn't get himself help. He wrote them letters saying that he wouldn't get help because he "needed to be true to himself." He had such a bad car crash that he totalled his car and was so concussed that he couldn't work. And he had the woman he was dating stay over a few nights while my son was there without discussing it with me. He was literally out of control. I felt that I couldn't get out from under the drama, it was so relentless and I feared would continue on unabated for the rest of my life. Finally, I uttered the words that I couldn't allow myself to say: I want to go home.

And with that I set in motion a chain of events that have led me to where I am today. I discussed this with the children and then my lawyer. I broke it to my STBXH who indicated fairly early on that he wouldn't fight me in court. I got my kids into schools, house hunted in another country, got a mortgage with out much of a prior credit rating having been abroad for 22 years, bought a house, bossed my divorced settlement, sold my electronic possessions in the UK, restocked in the USA, sold cars, bought cars, moved my self and my children back to my homeland. And I'm so glad that I'm here again. I missed so much of my *self* being in my marriage and I gave up so much of myself to try and keep it the family together until, when my EX had stripped me of any lingering loyalty, I put myself at the top of my agenda. For the first time in decades.

The kids and I are settling in to our new lives and have established routines and are putting down our roots. And we're doing it together. And for that, I'm the most grateful. I'd love to fall in love again but I'll be fine if I don't.

If you had asked me five years ago whether I would ever get a divorce, I would have looked at you like you were insane. Now, I honestly believe it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

For anyone reading this in a dark moment of despair, please don't give up. It will get better and the heartbreak you feel won't last. You will discover yourself again and reclaim your own life. No one deserves to be treated like this. You are worthy of love and the captain of your soul.

BHUK

The Princess was the worst of consistent bad choices throughout my youth. The emotional abuse and isolation was horrible - coupled with my own mental illness and family issues, it was crippling.

After we'd been married for a year, I started to fantasize about leaving her, but didn't think I could manage it on my own. I felt as though she had rescued me from a life of solitude and failure.

So I hung on, and kept feeling worse about myself for sixteen years until I tried to kill myself. A few months after that, I found out about her cheating. She confesses to nothing - even the stuff I found proof of - but I now have suspicions of the entire time we were married.

I eventually left her (about four years ago) and set up my own life (with my kids 50% of the time) in a tiny apartment in the city (I hated living in the country). I finally got a job (had been self-employed for years), was going out on the town to perform on a regular basis (I'm a musician too).

2.5 years ago, I met the love of my life. L is fantastic. She is supportive, warm, loving, has the biggest heart in the world, has great kids, thinks my kids are great, doesn't try to cut me off from friends and family, and is the best sex I've ever had.

We're taking it very slowly. I told her recently that I'm confident about my feelings for her because between my marriage and her, I had dated several women, and had decided to have nothing to do with the ones who were a bad fit for me (which is a first). I've done a lot of talk therapy with my psychiatrist, and work on my own. This has left me feeling secure with my new life, and ready to inch toward a solid relationship.

I still have days where I wish that L could just rescue me - and that makes me think I'm not ready to move in with her yet. We've talked about it, and want to do it some day.

I'm loving my apartment life, because all I really have to do is clean up after myself: No shovelling or mowing, a very small space to vacuum, and I've actually become a pretty good cook. I've expressed concern about some day having to take care of a house again (we would need to stay in L's house on account of the mess of kids). Her response to this concern is, "This time you'll have a partner."

And that brings a tear to my eye every frigging time. I wasn't necessarily ready for a partner before this, but that's all I ever wanted.

I'm heading in the right direction. If something were to happen - and this relationship were to end - I know that I could handle it. I've come back from a suicide attempt and an abusive spouse to building a successful life for myself. I can handle whatever I need to.

[This message edited by Pass at 11:29 AM, April 26th, 2017 (Wednesday)]

It has been some time since I have posted on this site, so I don't know how many of you remember me. I divorced my serial cheating husband after 18 years of marriage in 2008. Two years later, my son revealed my ex had sexually abused him for years. Many psych hospitalizations and suicide attempts( by my son) later, my ex was convicted in 2012 and is now incarcerated. The support I received from this site was a godsend.

Now for the good news, my son(now 22) has a great job in a major coastal city. He bought a condo a block from the beach, and lives with his delightful girlfriend. Life is good. Even now I pinch myself that he is where he is. I am grateful every day as I recognize this story may not have had this story line.

After the trial, my daughter(26) revealed she, too, had been sexually abused by my ex. She has had her struggles, yet she graduated from college on time and will graduate from law school in May. She is interning at the DA's office that prosecuted my ex. She has gained strength from talking to children about testifying against a parent. She can relate. She will continue her education for a master's in Human Rights.

As for me, with my children on a good path, I can turn my focus to me. I am now exploring the option of a relationship with a male friend of 2.5 years. He knows all about my life, my trials, and my successes. When he suggested in January we explore a relationship, I was game. We are progressing slowly which works well for me. Life is good.

When I look back on the course of my life, i often wonder how we survived those days. I told my children,"We are victors, not victims". We overcame our obstacles, and so can you.

It took me almost 3 years to post in here but I'm finally feeling like a new me is emerging and I'm so grateful that the hardest times are a thing of the past.

I never experienced anything like this. Infidelity is terrible.

But you can heal. I am finally feeling healed and ready to move on with my life with happiness and I am actually excited about my future.

I feel attracted to a man who is gorgeous. He is younger than me and probably nothing will happen between us but this is a signal that I am a heading towards a more brilliant future or at least that is what I feel right now.

I am happy that my ex cheated on me because now I can be free to explore my potential and I would have never been able to explore it with that dead weigh on my back

He was jealous of me. Now I know it.

I am happy, happy, happy that he cheated on me and that I found out.

It has been 3 years and I can't imagine my life by his side.

I don't know why I thought I was happy with him he is the most depressive person I know.

I hope all of you are heading towards a happier and brighter future, with or without the WS.

((((((to all)))))

So many positive stories. Love them!

I am lucky that I am very well paid, that said, money has little to do with happiness in my opinion. I would have given away all of my money, gone i to debt and lived in a tent to get out of the situation I was in. Reading all of your stories about how money didn't matter, and that you are happier for getting and staying out of difficult situations you faced was inspiring. The best revenge is a life well lived. My thoughts are with you all.

Today is exactly 5 years since my DDay.

What I would like to say is that today I feel happy. If someone told me 5 years ago that I would feel so content I would not have believed it.

I live in the same house with my 3 children, only it is now just mine. My children are quite hard work at times but they also bring me a lot of joy.

I met a man via OLD who became a friend initially, we emailed for 6 months before we even met up. I had long since left the site. We have been together over 3 years now, he is loving, gentle, patient, independent and wonderful with my children. He visits nearly every weekend and once in the week, which is the perfect balance for all of us.

I still think about what happened to my marriage. My ex husband and I get along okay, which I was determined would happen for the children.

In summary - it's as good as it possibly could be at this stage.

Wishing your own dose of happy to each and every one of you.

Hello...

I have posted -- as a newbie -- to a couple of threads. So, it seems only proper that I introduce myself.

I live in a remote and beautiful place, and my second ex-wife left and moved elsewhere in December 2015.

Infidelity was not an issue.

In my first marriage, infidelity -- on both sides -- was an issue.

I have two grown children who are making their way very successfully out in the world.

I also am in a unique and fascinating relationship with a beautiful and cryptic woman who vexes me continuously and who I pine for constantly.

Our relationship primarily has been long-distance since we met more than a year ago. But, we have spent significant, intimate and "marital" interludes together plentifully in the meantime.

My divorce agreement is on the judge's desk, but "closure" is turning out to be more invasive than I anticipated.

Life is good.

It has been 2 and a half months since my narcissistic sociopathic BF discarded me. I had one 2 day relapse which meant starting over with NC. I am feeling really good now, living my life without being ghosted or lied to. I could care less what he is doing to his next victim. I am free and learning to love and care for myself again. I have always been independent and mostly lived alone. Occasionally i meet some guy on a dating site, but not anyone I'd want to get involved with. It doesn't matter. I have me to love and my life to live. Any guy who wants in my life is going to have to prove he is pretty special because that's what i deserve. It is possible to heal - focus on you. My health has improved and i have lost weight and am getting fit. Good luck to all.

[This message edited by nofoollikean at 1:47 PM, August 29th (Tuesday)]

It's great to hear all the stories in this thread!

I personally went through hell the first couple of years, bottom of the barrel hell. As with the stages of mourning, I gradually started feeling better in time.

Before I met my SO in 2011, I had decided that I loved being single. I wasn't interested in online dating, and I didn't go out on the town to try and meet someone.

We met through his sister-in-law, a co-worker of mine. We've been together since 2011, and still going strong, but we don't live together yet. My youngest DS is 18 and I have wanted to wait. SO and I are both introverts.

The good part is that I feel 'the universe', if you will, has been on my side since the divorce. Which means that I have realized a ton of goals that I have set for myself. Professionally and personally. It's been a great new beginning.

I feel like nothing; every bit of self confidence that I am somebody and belief that there is somebody out there

I disagree completely! I am so proud of you for realizing, even before this d-day, that you deserved better and ended the relationship!

His actions are no reflection on you. Would you tell any BS that they were betrayed because there is something wrong with them? You are a kind and considerate person, which is why you gave him a second chance, but congrats for standing up and demanding better behavior of a partner.

I can't say that I am glad my stbxh had a LTA, then remained "friends" with OW for some 10 years behind my back after d-day, which had proven to be the last of the last straws (many other disturbing and simply awful things going on my M in addition to the LTA, etc..all related to NPD and sex addiction). I do wish that I hadn't M'd a facade and wish instead that the man I M'd was real. I truly loved him...or who he pretended to be. BUT, it is GOOD to now live in truth and reality. Getting clarity about who my stbx really is took many years (he is a skilled actor, master manipulator, and smoothly deceptive).

Fast forward to some 12+ yrs after d-day and my D is almost final. I have relocated some 1800 miles away from him and all the toxicity and awful memories of the years in which I struggled after d-day. BEST thing I ever did for myself! My cPTSD symptoms are non-existent now. How light and happy I feel is indescribable. I feel like I died and went to heaven! I am living in sunshine and fresh air. No more bullsh*t in my life!!!!!!! I want for all my fellow BS's to experience this same peace and joy of extricating all the nonsense and bs of betrayal/infidelity from your life. I am free! It is amazing! Maybe it's because I was 'in' it for SO long that it just destroyed me on the inside in extremes I didn't realize. And, now that I am finally OUT, it's like I've come back to life again. I am healing and returning to 'me'. And, it is wonderful

I loved this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612518&AP=21

It belongs in this positive NB stories, it is very encouraging❤️

I haven't posted here since my separation in 2010. She had multiple affairs and it was devastating. We divorced in 2012. It seems like so long ago.

About a month after separating, I met a great woman through a friend. We hit it off right away. We dated a few months before introducing our children to each other; my then-9-year-old daughter, and her then-3-year-old daughter. And they hit it off!

We married in 2013. Her daughter has been calling me Dad ever since then. (Her biological father is sadly a deadbeat and not in the picture). And after a few years of trying, we just had a baby boy in December! Now we need a bigger house! LOL

I still see my ex occasionally. We've kept everything civil, split 50/50, including time with our daughter, so no child support is involved. I hold no grudges with her, as it seems like a lifetime ago.

[This message edited by Shattereddd at 3:55 AM, March 16th (Friday)]

Another positive story:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=623323

Another good one:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=626413