SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here's a link to the original thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid574439

...and Opinions Please original 2015 post, which is still so very necessary for many of us today :-

For all of us who need to stick to NC - Post your letters to your WS, OP, or whoever, or do your venting here. I need a place to do it. Hope this can help others.

I find it very cathartic to get things off my chest (yet NOT make myself vulnerable / liable)

I hope you good SI friends will continue to make use of this space to "Stay No Contact - and post it here".

Much love to us all.

MOB x

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 8:19 AM, June 25th, 2018 (Monday)]

Thank you MOB!! You know I love this thread.

The kids told me about how - now that you're not in a relationship - you had coffee with our ex-neighbour (the guy who magically appeared on the scene to "help" you through the initial separation). I know that you were fucking him when we were together. Five years ago, that really bugged me, but now I see how pathetic you both are.

I also heard about how he told you he's been thinking about you for five years, since you two broke up. You won't be able to resist that kind of worship.

Yes, I also noticed that you were wearing the t-shirt that I handed down to our youngest, when you came to pick him up. That might have bugged me a while ago, but I honestly don't care about that either.

However, it DOES bug me that you've actually managed to partially repair your relationships with the kids. Even though I know I shouldn't, I want them to hate you as much as I do. You don't have any effect on my life anymore, but yep, I still hate you.

It's not the all-consuming fiery hate it once was, but I'll have a hard time totally losing all this hatred toward the woman who abused me and made me try to kill myself. Still working on that, but am basically okay with the fact that there will always be some hate there.

Edited to add: I guess I still need this thread once in a while, eh?

[This message edited by Pass at 11:17 AM, June 25th, 2018 (Monday)]

Some things have started to dawn on me.

You never did love me. Was it only your brain? Not in self-pity, but actual truthful realisation. It was never love for you.

We were never really emotionally connected.

Our sex-life was horrible.

I am feeling better and better.

Why couldn't you have tried harder? You said you wanted to work on the marriage, but your journal said otherwise. Why bother? You said you weren't seeing him any more, but your journal told the truth. Why go to MC at all? You wasted energy on him that could have been spent on us even though you know he was bullshit. He wasn't go to leave his wife. You were going to be his side piece, but you looooved him so much. He was such humble nice guy that he was stepping on his wife to keep you on the side. Fine, just tell me that. Tell me you want second best. Let me go. Why are you holding on to nothing and that not trying? Why waste all that time and money? You want him, I get it. You want me to keep you secure until you can get the courage to take the leap. Guess what? Time's up. I'm taking the leap. I'm out. You never put enough into reconcilation. Never showed me any respect, when that's the only thing you ever said you felt about me. Just carrying on with Mr Humble. I miss him. He's one of the great loves of my life. blah blah blah. Seriously, 2 years of MC and he's the only thing you can think of. Well I read your journal. I took pictures of it for the days when I grow weak. I remind myself that while I was breaking down and cracking up, you were daydreaming about a married asshole.

For the first time.... I am HAPPY to be getting away from you! Just a few more days til I'm no longer attached to you... except you have to pay me alimony for years...... guess you really "got away with it eh? Jerk...."....

(Thanks MOB!)

37 years ago today, instead of saying I do, I should have said fuck you.

Was it worth it?

Saw you today, this man that wears the same face as my lovely husband, the man I loved so very very much. Saw those same eyes and that same smile, heard that same voice as you professed your love for your boys.

But it's not that man, it's you now, this selfish entitled moron who walked out on his children of just two and four for a bitch who'd shag him in dirty toilet cubicles, a bitch who

chose to hurt your children, a bitch who is so very much less than me and ALWAYS will be. You had one bloody job, just one bloody job, to love and protect your family. I was the primary earner, primary carer, responsible for the money, responsible for the house, car, I was the chief organiser, I dealt with birthdays, holidays and Christmas. You had one bloody job... just one! And you totally and utterly failed at it.

You failed to love us and you failed to protect us.

You had one bloody job!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:00 PM, June 30th (Saturday)]

Stop fucking lying!! I know you're lying and yet to continue to deny it. The lying pisses me off more than what you are doing! You twat!

Just when you think you're still in control......wait for it.

We had a little chuckle, today. Why can't you be normal?

I have amazing fulfilling conversations with people all day long. I have friends. Wonderful friends who like to spend time with me. It's easy. It's natural. No one is accusatory. We laugh. We listen. We grow closer.

Conversation with you is an exercise in insanity. Your brain misfires and short-circuits. I no longer engage you. When you head down that path, usually within 60 seconds, I slam the cracked door in my brain through which I communicate with you. I retreat to my gray rock safe room.

I see you clearly. You are bad for me. Very bad.

It has been nine weeks or so. I still cry alot more than I want to admit. You are still the first and last thought in my head every single day. I still look at the phone and will it to light up with a voicemail or text from you, but I know it won't.

Every time I had to leave for a work trip I cried. You got annoyed by it. I would cry and tell you that I was trying to memorize your face, the touch of your hand. I have always hated being away from you.

I cannot reconcile my best friend who I've known for 28 years with this person who dumped me over the phone, betrayed me, and has been completely ghosting me since May 13th.

I know you think I deserve this pain. I know you will never forgive me for talking to OW, for telling her so many of your deep dark secrets. I know you won't forgive me for talking to two of your ex girlfriends, for finding out from THEM some deep dark secrets that I never knew about you, including that you physically assaulted one woman, by dragging her into your yard by her hair, just to keep her from finding out that you had another woman in your bed.

For a long time, I knew I was losing you, that your attraction to me was waning. I could tell from your short temper with me, from a disgusted look you gave me (and thought I didn't see) one night as I crawled into bed), from the way you have badmouthed me to your friends and family, the way you have told lies in order to make yourself look good at my expense. Now those people won't speak to me, so I have lost them too.

But really, in 2015, you did this same thing. You found someone else you were attracted to, so you picked a fight with me and sent me away to my mom's house so you could (secretly) pursue the OW. In your mind, we were broken up, so you weren't cheating. You finally came back, because the OW didn't want you as it turns out. At the time, being with me was better than being alone.

Eventually, though, you got tired of me not being at your beck and call 24/7 (due to work, money I was earning for OUR future), and the weight I was struggling to lose just caused you to 'hit a wall.' You said you'd been unhappy for a long time, but lo and behold, just like in 2015, you'd found another girl you were attracted to who you thought might take your bait. So you dumped me. Over the phone. Filed for divorce. Lied to me. Said you weren't seeing anybody, and wouldn't be seeing anybody for a long time.

You didn't think I'd find out about her, or that I'd have the nerve to talk to the other ones from your past. Because I did, you have shut down all avenues of communication with me, and I am totally alone. Struggling with pulmonary fibrosis, struggling to work and pay off medical bills, with sudden, absolute clarity that, after all these years of loving you so much - I was only ever a back-up plan for YOU.

You hate being called a cheater and a liar. You told me that you've cut people out of your life for calling you a liar. But the reality is, that's what you are. Instead of apologizing to me, you cursed me out and wrote me off. It's easier for you, I guess, to erase a person than to admit to them - and yourself -that they were right about you.

You're my husband, and yet I have no idea where you are tonight, or who you are with. But I know you won't stay alone. You aren't capable of it. I know you took OW on the date night that you planned for me recently, which was going to be a celebration of my birthday that is happening this week.

It's literally like I don't exist anymore. I want so much to focus on the bad things you've done and said, but at night especially I keep remembering the times when it felt like you sincerely loved me. And it hurts so much that I don't even want to be alive anymore. I still miss you

I have nothing to say to you anymore.

Fuuuuuuck youuuuuu....

They are looking for you. They will find you. And they have some shiny new documents for you.

When did our biggest boy get so big eh?! I can't believe he's five years old today. As much as he can be a pickle he's so astute, intuitive and wise and I'm so bloody proud of him. I miss my baby boy. I miss how much he needed me andnow he's so independent. He doesn't cuddle me as much and I miss those little arms. I want to rewind time and have more with my biggest baby. While at the same time wanting to see him continue to grow into this amazing boy.

I wanted to tell you all this tonight. I wanted to share how bittersweet his birthday feels for me. But I can't because it's inviting you into my heart. Inviting you in to my thoughts. I don't miss much, there's not much to miss, you were so utterly horrible to me, but I do miss sharing anecdotes and thoughts about the boys with you. I know you love them.

I'll never understand how you could have hurt them...

Fuck you you fucking fuck.

I should have bought that t-shirt when I saw it in Alphabet City in 1999. I would wear it now, every time I have to see you.

I see you. You sick twisted disgrace of a human being. I see you. The real you. You are ugly.

I was having this chat with mum yesterday about my ability to focus. I can't focus, I can't do it, I can't concentrate, I can't multi task. I can deal with one thing at a time and that takes work. My mum said it was just me being busy. But it's not, it's you, it's you and what you've put me through. It's trauma. It's the emotional and mental abuse I've suffered these past nine fucking months. You did this to me. You've traumatised me. YOU mentally and emotionally abused me, and you did it without a second fucking thought, that's how fucking evil you are deep down. After everything I did for you. I worked constantly to make your life fucking perfect. You just leeched off me. I couldn't see it at the time. Now I can, you just remind me of some creepy slimy leech... you had one fucking job... just one you arsehole. To protect us and keep us safe, your wife your children. You utter utter leeching failure!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 7:26 AM, July 15th (Sunday)]