SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hi all, I am out of a 12 year relationship with my ex fiancee. I lost my virginity to this girl at 18 so she is the only girl I have ever been with. Now at 30 and only having ever had one sexual partner with whome i shared everything with and was so comfortable sexually with i am now very nervous of when I eventually have a new sexual partner. My looks and overall confidence is not a issue its more like i feel less experienced than the average person of my age. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I understand your feelings. You'll see lots of posts about this general topic if you dig back in the pages. Many of us have gone through it. The women (like me!) here worry about their post-baby bodies. The last time a new man saw me naked I was 24. Then I was suddenly 44, mom to three kids, and dating again. I was petrified.

It seems to me you are worried that you are inexperienced because you've only had one partner? I'll be honest, plenty of women are going to find that completely romantic and attractive. Did your fiance seem physically satisfied when you were intimate? if there were no serious bedroom issues, I am sure you will do just fine.

I will say that all women are different. What floated your fiance's boat, might not do it for the next girl. The learning about each other can be really fun. You don't have to be perfect, you just need to be willing to learn. If she guides your hand or anything else, pay attention. She is doing it for a reason. And then remember that for future encounters with her.

It's completely normal to be scared and unsure. I promise you will get over it. So many of us here have!! And I'm telling you, it's incredible on the other side.

When I was with my not yet WW, the thought of touching another woman was repulsive, her, not so much. We were together for 27 years when I pulled the plug. And yes, I was very nervous as well.

Having an intimate relationship between two older adults is nothing like our 3xperiences were when we were young. Be open, communicate, be authentic and you will find your way. Bit I would caution you to treat partners with care and respect. Dont use them as a way of self medicating or proving something to yourself. I made the classic mistake of getting into a relationship too early. As a result, I lost an absolutely amazing woman. Now I am doing what I should gave done then, healing myself.

It is totally okay to be terrified. Just to put your mind at ease:

1. A lot of people gain more experience in a committed relationship that lasted for years than in years of casual sex. A safe relationship is the best place to explore each others sexuality, since people feel more comfortable trying new things with someone they know. So you might be more experienced than you think!

2. The most important thing is to ask, listen and try. Ask what she likes, listen carefully to what she answers and try to do that (if you're comfortable with it, of course.) And then ask how she liked it and listen to her and her body, to see what you can improve upon. I will tell you, not only will this make you a better love, the sheer act of asking and being able to learn, will turn her on tremendously!

3. Make her pleasure your priority but don't put pressure on her orgasm or whatever. There's nothing that kills an orgasm faster than the pressure to perform. It's the same for men, right?

4. Patience! It takes longer for a woman than for a man, have the patience to try and make her comfortable. Have patience to learn what she likes. It might be the complete opposite of your exWW.

5. Don't be afraid to fail. It's counterproductive. Being afraid to fail will make you less inclined to try something, you won't learn anything, you will have a hard time asking for feedback and listening to what she wants. Seriously, be prepared and willing to embrace the fail!

I hope this helps!

WHOTHEBLEEP

We would mainly do missionary as she was self conscious of her body, she wouldn't guide my hand but would guide my penis??? These are my main concerns when eventually being with a new partner.

Hedwig gave a great response. #3 was a bit triggery for me, as STBX would get ANGRY occasionally if I didn't climax. I swear he took it as a personal insult. Asshat! Sometimes, it's just not going to happen. Don't ever take it personally, or make the woman feel bad for not getting there. If she says, "let's make it all about you this time," believe that she means it and do your thing. Nothing is worse than when you know you're not going to climax and the man just keep going and going and going and going. At some point it becomes downright physically painful. No joke. If a man wants a woman to fake an orgasm...he just needs to keep pounding her after she's clearly not getting there... Ok mini vent over, haha.

So Dadchats, you were mainly a missionary couple? It's not a problem. This is incredibly exciting. There is a whole new world out there waiting for you!! When you are completely emotionally ready to date, and you meet someone you would like to pursue a physical relationship with, you will have a blast. I would definitely wait until you meet the right person, and not run around having casual sex. If you already have strong feelings for the new woman, you will be more comfortable discussing what she likes and what you like, as Hedwig mentioned above. Nothing wrong with TALKING about it while it's happening. Getting to know each other that way is fun and sexy.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:46 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

My "number" was low post-divorce (I had only been with 3 people) and I was very self-conscious and hyper aware of that. Even though I had had plenty of sex while married, I felt like an awkward virgin. Couple that with, like Whothebleep said, the fact that the last time I was single pre-divorce I had a slim young body and now I'm softer and curvier - oh Lord I was petrified.

So I completely understand! But being a good lover isn't about the notches on your bed post. It's about openness and enthusiasm. I do think the advice to take it slow is great. That way you'll be comfortable and have trust. Good luck!!!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:05 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

Sorry for the triggers, WhoTheBleep! He actuay got angry? That sounds awful! Nothing that kills a lady boner faster than a lover who is waiting for the microwave to ding! But angry is on a whole other level of uncomfortable.

Lol, I use the 'lets make this one all about you" too.

And Dadchats, mostly missionary-experience is fine. Just know that there's tons of other stuff to try and enjoy as well. Try to have an open mind and remember that a lot of stuff is quite normal and is considered vanilla (as opposed to kinky).

Don't be afraid to fail. It's counterproductive. Being afraid to fail will make you less inclined to try something, you won't learn anything, you will have a hard time asking for feedback and listening to what she wants. Seriously, be prepared and willing to embrace the fail!

Seriously! Some of the most fun I've had with my guy is when we were trying something new that just didn't work and we look at each other and burst out laughing. Those "fails" become fun memories.

You have gotten incredible advice from the women here, so much so that I hesitate to even chime in. Justsomeguy's post is also very relevant and important.

I do want to second these statements:

don't put pressure on her orgasm or whatever.

Don't be afraid to fail.

Don't ever take it personally, or make the woman feel bad for not getting there.

Nothing that kills a lady boner faster than a lover who is waiting for the microwave to ding!

You know that everyone and every body is different, of course, so you and your new partner will have a learning curve no matter what. And often, *even if* you're an amazing sex champion, first time sex with a new partner is silly and awkward and doesn't quite go perfectly. As long as you've removed your ego and are just right there in it with her, this is all just part of the fun of it. Try your best, smile and laugh, move on to the next fun sex thing together.

You're two adult humans, free from the kids for a night, naked in a bed together. Life is pretty good no matter what happens.

~

Beyond that, here are some things that will also help you on your journey:

1. Consider your manscaping situation. Research it if you have to. Make your whole situation as much of a fun playground as possible for her (but in a way that you also feel comfortable and confident about). I'm talking specifically about trimming/shaving. Happy to get more explicit if necessary.

2. Consider your hygiene situation. A subtle scent (cologne, some sort of body spritz, even just really good soap applied with an exfoliating bath sponge thing) will not only make you smell awesome, but it will make *you* more confident. If you go the cologne route, just start with a single spray to your chest after a shower. Don't douse yourself in it.

Along the same lines, rethink everything about your laundry detergent, fabric softener, body soap, shampoo, your deodorant, toothpaste, and mouthwash. Maybe it's all good, maybe it needs a tweak.

Floss.

3. Consider new clothes that make you feel great. Not just shirts and pants. This goes for shoes, socks, and underwear, too.

4. Clean your space. Have the bed made and your room clean. Toilets, tubs. Dishes done. Etc.

5. Do your own research and improve your sex techniques on your own. Yep, this is a thing you can do. There are some pretty great books and media resources that can really help you in ways you didn't even know you needed help.

I'm talking about cunnilingus here, guy. It's a learned skill, not something you're born knowing how to do, and you absolutely can get really good at it.

~

You're gonna have the time of your life.

[This message edited by Okokok at 10:50 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

5

. Do your own research and improve your sex techniques on your own. Yep, this is a thing you can do. There are some pretty great books and media resources that can really help you in ways you didn't even know you needed help.

I'm talking about cunnilingus here, guy. It's a learned skill, not something you're born knowing how to do, and you absolutely can get really good at it.

Yessss! I wanted to mention this, but I didn't think the delivery would be quite the same coming from a woman. Kind of...entitled and presumptuous or something. So I am super happy Okokok brought it up. Heck, there are videos (tutorials, not porn which can't always be trusted, haha) you can watch, right on your phone.

Have fun with this new chapter!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 4:57 PM, July 19th (Sunday)]

STBX would get ANGRY occasionally if I didn't climax. I swear he took it as a personal insult. Asshat!

Welp, not to hijack the thread, but now I don't feel so alone. Good to know it wasn't just my POS xWH. Thank you WhotheBleep and Hedwig.

So, yeah, Dadchats. Women can get performance anxiety too. Your new partner may be just as nervous as you are. Establish a "no pressure" atmosphere up front.

I would add one other piece of advice (unless I missed it above)....might want to practice and get comfortable with condoms. Post divorce, it's a non-negotiable for me, and is likely to be for other women in the beginning stages of a physical relationship.

Exactly, JanaGreen! I've had that experience as well, like oh oops, well guess that one is not for us.

Okokok, some excellent additional advice about personal hygiene, love it! Cleanliness and a little cologne is so sexy.

BentandBroken, oh girl, I'm sorry! What a piece of shit. Good to know you're not alone, though!

Double post

[This message edited by Hedwig at 5:54 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

We would mainly do missionary as she was self conscious of her body, she wouldn't guide my hand but would guide my penis??? These are my main concerns when eventually being with a new partner.

Dear God you are going to have a good time in the future. Oh my. Dating women over 30? If I were dating a guy with that sexual resume, I would make it my personal mission to show him all manner of things and blow his mind regularly. You're going to be just fine. Be honest with your first post-divorce sex partner and she may well respond like I would to that. You will build experience quickly.

Dee, I wish we could do gifs on here, because I really want to post the one that says, "Girl . . . Same."

Ha ha ha! See, Dadchats, you are going to find dates!

Deeeee!!!! Girl...SAME!! Another thought I had that I did not want to frighten Dadchats with. I would totally take on the teacher role

Hey, Dad, after you heal, make sure you come back and give us an update!

I love these threads. Being a BS is so incredibly painful and traumatic. But there is so much to look forward to on the other side. You're going to be more than OK, Dadchats!

But there is so much to look forward to on the other side.

YES!

And not just crazy sex.

But the crazy sex is good.

Be honest with your first post-divorce sex partner and she may well respond like I would to that. You will build experience quickly.

I had a similar thought, although slightly different.

My advice to Dadchats is to figure out what YOU want and then pursue that. You may have some bumps and bruises along the way (at worst), but you will figure it out just fine. Most women want a connection beyond penis-in-vagina and if that's there... she'll be patient with you (at worst).