SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OOL, I’ll drink to that!

I think those who live by the book "smarts" are covering for some serious emotional "dumbness".

I think there is something to this. From a conversation with a reliable source there is apparently a sweet spot on the IQ scale where you can do just about anything you want without all the social issues that usually go along with high IQ. I have also known a lot of really intelligent people who do a lot of stupid shit, to fit in, hide their intelligence from the rest of the world who knows?

OOL - Sounds like you are on a roll - bike ride, friend time and washing that douche right out of your hair! Hope that feeling kept going all weekend.

As to the EQ thing. That applies to my WH. He's incredibly smart, never makes an move without a plan, annoyingly logical and NEVER shared his emotions or understood other people's emotions. EQ was in the dirt compared to his IQ. Funny enough, the CoWhore thought herself to have a very high EQ. I saw emails that she sent to the other people on their corporate leadership team, always putting herself as the compassionate, generous and caring one. Even her LinkedIn recs refer to what a caring and compassionate person she is. Yep, so compassionate that she welcomed another woman's husband's penis into every orifice of her body a week after her husband took her on a birthday trip to celebrate her 40th. (And texted my WH the whole time.) Super high EQ, eh? All dumbasses. Selfish dumbasses.

TX1995,

I think Cheaters should have to wear it, like the scarlet letter. So the community knows what they’re dealing with

Don’t assume they’re sincere

Never trust them

Check references very closely

Hi Womenz!

Would each of you do me a favor?

Can you recall what was happening immediately prior to the start of the cheating?

20, phase 1 started after I said no to sex when the boys were in the same room on vacation. Start massage parlours and online dating.

Phase 2 started after we sold his dream home and I didn’t throw him a 50th party.

He felt rejection each time.

He didn’t see his own contributions to these events and told himself it was me.

Can you recall what was happening immediately prior to the start of the cheating?

The first time I was overwhelmed with 2 nursing toddlers and extremely sleep deprived. He felt neglected.

The second time he had recently self weaned off hi dose long term opiates and fell into a deep depression. He expected me to understand how he felt with no way of knowing what his perspective was.

They where 9 years apart I found out about both in the middle of the second. I have used Facebook memories to get perspective on what was going on in our lives during and before the first.

20 - I don't know the exact date it started, but I know it was around the time I was in final interviews for a new job. I had been out of work for almost a year, my severance money was running out and I was super worried about money as I made way more than him and knew we likely couldn't survive on his income alone (self employed). At the same time, I was also about to run a marathon having trained all summer and was worried I wasn't trained enough. I believe the first direct contact with her (outside of the fan forum where they were both members) was when we were out of town at that self same marathon as she lives about an hour outside of that city. I saw her post on his FB page when he asked for suggestions as to where we should go for dinner. Finally, I was frustrated about the kids - no limits on screen time for his youngest, I felt he was too lenient with his eldest, and I didn't feel that they pulled their weight around the house. My ex and I would butt heads a little on that, and I would not be able to contain my frustration with the kids themselves.

As I moved out pretty quickly after DDay, and that we weren't "officially" reconciling, I never got to know his why's, other than him telling me "we no longer have a connection" and "I want to see if can find that connection again". This was before I knew the EA AP was on the scene..

Even to the last time we were intimate, the sex was phenomenal. Always was. Neither of us could believe how lucky we were in that regard. How do you have sex like that without a connection, I ask you??

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 8:08 PM, September 8th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

What was happening prior to cheating? Which one? Which occasion or time?

1) WH always had issues with love making... very selfish, uncaring and none or very little sexual experience and education. He had no idea that woman don’t automatically orgasm because he puts his penis in a vagina. His education came from watching porn where everything was faked. I refused to fake orgasm and told him so. I did try to have a gentle conversation with him. It didn’t go down well. So WH, only 30 by this time, has an affair with a woman in her 50’s.

2) our children were very young and needing more of my time. After 3 births in 3 years, I was a busy mother. WH’s selfish needs came after the needs of my babies. He was watching way too much porn. So WH, met a sex worker while overseas on holiday and when he returned from holiday was planning to leave us to be with her. He stayed with us, unfortunately.

3) WH was being his usual selfish dick. Our daughter was getting married Overseas and he refused to Get out of bed to watch the nuptials via Skype. We spoke with our very excited daughter the night before. My sweet baby girl was heart broken when she realised that her father wasn’t there to watch. The look on her face broke me. WH is a narcissist and tried to ruin my babies day because he was pissed about getting up at 6am for her wedding. I told WH that our 30 year marriage was over. WH begged me to stay and give him another chance. What he really meant, was, wait for me to find a woman who I can go cry to. So the very last A started while going through fake reconciliation with me.

I’ve been doing much better. I was talking to my therapist last night about it and the word we came up with was even. I feel even. It’s weird. The rollercoaster has been so all consuming the last few months that it feels kinda .....empty without it? It’s been a few days. I’m sure it will come back. But for now, I’ve been enjoying the calm.

Until this morning when I had a trigger. Having my annual pap, and with my new info (address, insurance) I had the opportunity to update my ICE. Used to be my xWBF. Now I don’t know who to put. I have no family here, and I wouldn’t necessarily want to put that burden on any friends.

It made me sad. I’m sitting here in the waiting room feeling sad and lonely again because I don’t have an ICE. I don’t have anyone to call in an emergency. It was supposed to be him.

And I was having such a good few days ☹️

Can you recall what was happening immediately prior to the start of the cheating?

Fantastic financial success on our part...we owned a business together for 35 years. His ego/entitlement/selfishness skyrocketed. He felt he was on top of the world and showed a genuine "bully" side of him in our relationship. Put me down in front of family members, etc. The more arrogance he showed the more I distanced myself emotionaly from him. I withdrew sex, well not all sex, but certainly reduced bed time drastically. He felt rejected, and he decided I did not care about him. He flirted with women even in restaurants. We never talked about this at the time.

He soon found playmate(how he described the AP) available, single, older, who admired him, was interested in him, cared for him and was willing to go to bed with him at his whim and fancy.

OOL _ :( I'm sorry for that trigger. I know it's hard to change that ICE, but if you look at it pragmatically, he wasn't really ICE material. You can't count on him. A good friend is a better bet. I'm an ICE for my BFF.

20 years...what was happening?

When she came into his life (about 2.5 years before DDay), we were in the very thick of it. Two young kids who were in a litany of activities and club sports - which meant 2-4 games per weekend anywhere from 1-2 hours from our house. So we would either spend the weekends apart or in the car and at games. About a year before the A started, we got a new kitten - who had ringworm. That was 2 months of WH sleeping upstairs because the rest of us got it and he couldn't risk it. 6 months I had that damn fungus - even to the point of taking meds for a month. I washed three rooms worth of linens every damn day. And washed everything we touched for weeks. ALL BY MYSELF. Then, my daughter got lice...and gave it to me. Another 2 weeks of WH upstairs. About 6 months after she started making physical moves (sitting on his lap, he lied to me about being alone with her), we took a trip with friends for his bday and our anniversary. He had been out of town almost every week for 3 months plus two weeks straight right before this trip. He told me on that trip that he wanted more sex (when he was in town we'd have it 2-3 times a week) and I told him I wasn't that interested in ANYTHING, much less sex and thought I was depressed. In his head, he almost asked if he should get a girlfriend, but didn't. The next week, he went on a trip for work with her, lied to me about staying in a house with her and two other co-workers (I had said that was not professional or something married men should do) and that was their first kiss. He was out of town every week until the sexcapade conference about 2 months later. And when he was in town, he worked ALL the time. Didn't help in the mornings, went to work, stayed there until 7, came home, ran and got back on the computer to work. Unless she planned a happy hour or asked him to accompany her to a client dinner. Then he stopped working. For her. So to answer your question, he was traveling all of the time and I was maid, mother, carpool driver, PLUS we were building a house and I was dealing with making the design choices, talking to the builders, plus cleaning out our old house and getting it ready to sell. All with two very busy kids, a lot of volunteer work with the PTA and another non-profit, and an absent husband. Literally went on the market the day after he came home from his sexconference. So I was kinda (read EXTREMELY) stressed and not that interested in sleeping with someone who didn't talk to me, listen to me or touch me until he wanted to paw me. (I did sleep with him, but apparently wasn't initiating enough and was honest that I was never in the mood but happy once it started.) He *did* fold clothes, unload the dishwasher and mow the lawn. And sometimes picked up a kid from a practice or church if I was in a bind and couldn't find someone else. (He sweetly did so once right after screwing the cOWhore in the work parking garage!). And resented me for not appreciating HIM. That all he was good for was the money. Fucking asshole. I should have been having the affair because my husband literally could not be bothered to listen to my feelings. I told him I thought I was depressed and needed therapy and he went and screwed someone else a few weeks after. He deserved that attention after all.

(Just writing all that down pisses me off.)

For those of you who haven't heard of it, I've been listening to the Love Rice podcast. Put on by a therapist in Arizona (a betrayed divorced wife herself) and another in Utah who runs Bloom (which has online resources for betrayed women). I've seen myself so much in the things they say and find some of their content very valuable. Most are fairly quick listens too.

Hope you womenz are having a GREAT fucking Wednesday. Both of my darling children are back in school and it feel fantastic. Thanks for the props OOL, I'm just glad my kids are older. The people with kids who are in elementary/pre-school - man, this whole thing has to be so flipping hard.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 3:36 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Don’t now where to Post this, but I am not ready for New Beginnings...

Last week I started chatting with a guy who attended my high school. He is 5 years older so I don’t remember him. We are on a High school reunion page. I forgot I even joined.

Damn, he is keen. He sent me his number over a month ago, with a ‘call me any time’. I didn’t call him. But he sent me a follow up message, asking how I am and to call if I needed a friend.

Neither of us likes the online chat stuff, so I gave him my rarely used second number and he called me last week.

He is lovely to chat with, we have a lot in common and we laugh a lot. Laughing is something that I haven’t done in a while. He lives about a 90 minute drive from me and with our strict curfews and Covid restrictions, we are not allowed to even meet for coffee. Which I don’t mind as I’m not ready.

This week he has started messaging or calling me Every day. Only one message. He’s not harassing me but the other night we talked for 2 hrs. Nothing WS or D related, just getting to know each other really. He messaged me last night that he’s thinking of me and wished me a “good night, beautiful lady”.

He is keen to meet up when we are allowed and is honest that he is looking for a genuine relationship. Hmmm. He’s willing to drive down my way. I don’t want to mislead him but I think that sort of conversation should be had face to face.

This man has no idea that I am Really a fucked up basket case after being married to STBX NARC WH.

@TX1995 podcast noted.

My Wednesday started off fine slow almost boring day at work. Came home to have a really stupid argument resulting in me going on a hangry walk in the rain. He’s getting me a cheeseburger now.

Hi Womenz,

I had a chat with the guy from my High School on Saturday night. I finally told him that I am still not legally divorced. I really needed him to know this as he was talking more about meeting up. He asked me if I was on good terms with the ex. Hmmm, we are NC, except through lawyers.

He was lovely about it and just said that he understands what I am going through. My situation is complicated to say the least.

A part of me thinks it’s best that he doesn’t call me again. I hope he thinks it best that we don’t get involved any further.

It’s a shitty situation, but I have to say NO to a really nice man.

Ladies, do you ever feel unexpected shame about either your failed marriage or the affair.

I hate it. I do.

I went to the Chiro today and frankly, they were lovely. It was me.. a tidal wave of shame.

do you ever feel unexpected shame about either your failed marriage or the affair.

I am ashamed that I stayed so long. I am ashamed that I rug swept past A’s. I am ashamed that I am/was married to a selfish narcissistic adulterer and I am mostly ashamed that, that man is the father of my children.

I am no longer ashamed to tell anyone and everyone about the long term systematic abuse I suffered. I am no longer afraid to speak the truth.

Ladies, do you ever feel unexpected shame about either your failed marriage or the affair.

Hey TG - I'm all over this question.

As to the first part: failed marriage. I used to carry this around with all of my relationships. Why can't I have one that "works." Why can't it seem to last? But my IC (as he often does) had something rather revealing to say about that. He said look, you could have stayed with any of those people if you ate enough shit in order to do it. Instead, you said no more for various reasons. So I really don't carry that around too much since I was ultimately the decider for pulling the plug. And I'm proud of that because it's what I had to do to save myself.

Affair stuff? Ugh. I'm still embarrassed and pretty ashamed to have ever been attached with such slimy and stinky piece of shit. A story came my way a couple years ago that went something like, "Assclown got stopped by the cops trying to pick up hookers while he was with Chili you know." Having my name associated with him and hookers was a gut punch all these years later. And that people were talking about it like poor, pitiful, ignorant Chili. (I was mortified once again that I didn't know something everyone else seemed to). I still sometimes have to work on this issue with my IC as to "Why didn't I see it?" "Was my picker that jacked up?" "Did I ignore all these red flags?"

I realize that I did choose to be with him. I own that. But I also know at the time I was basing that decision on what I had to work with (i.e. what he was showing me).

It's ok TG - I get the shame. You will realize it's not yours to carry or explain to anyone. Just point the "hate it" in the right direction.

I do still experience shame.

I go out of my way to be an actual good person.

How did I end up marrying someone who did this?

I mean, really!

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 9:25 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

Hey everyone. I understand that the heartache that an affair can bring on you. My husband had an affair for a year and I found out in Jan. 2020 so the pain is still with me. I know we have a lot of issues to work out but in April 2020 we found out we were pregnant. Never excepted that to happen but I am kind of glad it did because of the pregnancy has brought us closer as a couple. I know a child will not fix our problems but we are still in counseling because the child is now our main concern and we dont want the affair to destroy what we have built. It has been 9 months since he told me about that affair and I am 7 months pregnant. I am still dealing with the betrayal that he brought into our marriage. Everyone that has followed my story knows what he has done and his side of the family has done. We are having a son that is Due in Dec. 2020. I still feel betrayed especially when I know he has females that are just friends but part of me still is scared he will do it again. Weve worked hard on building the trust that he has lost but how do I get rid of me being scared.