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Complete and utter meltdown today. Haven’t cried this much or this hard in months. Like, literally, months. So many triggers from everything work related. This time last year was at the same conference, like a zombie. No recollection of anything that took place. Doing it virtually this year.Had to keep camera off for all calls today as I look like I’ve been punched in both eyes.

Thank god I have therapy tonight. I want to be so effin’ done with this shit. I really do.

Fuck him for this trauma. How is it fair that we have to keep reliving this shit over and over again when he is likely just sitting at home, not having a fucking clue about date / time of year and what he was doing to me last year. I hope he spends the rest of his life miserable and lonely and unhappy.

I am sending you all so many big hugs and chocolate and wine and anything else that floats your boat because this shit is hard and you are all amazing for surviving this. You are all so fabulous and kind and compassionate and you deserve to know that and you deserve to be treated as if you are the best thing ever. Never forget that, never forget your worth.

Well today what floats my boat is simply saying

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck times a million!

Oh. And I have a massage tomorrow. Better than an orgasm and lasts lots longer.

So I hear. Who would know?

Outoflove, thanks for the chocolate I’ve been eating a lot of it since giving up caffeine.

I spent most of October - December on the twisty loopy part of the Trigger Land roller coaster you know the part with the damaged tracks always trying to derail the train. Take care yourself it eventually smooths out, you’ll make it through this.

Today I’m frustrated with work and done with this COVID shit.

[This message edited by UnstuffedGiraffe at 8:53 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

I accidentally told someone I was waiting for a ride on Sam Elliott’s mustache. Me?

I don’t say things like that.

PTSD is weird

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 11:36 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

This week is not going well.

I’m walking home car has a flat less than 2 miles from home. Leaking air faster than I can fill it with my portable air compressor. I could change it but I have to pull a shitload of stuff out to get to the spare. I don’t want to mess with it until my husband can come with the truck. I spent 15 minutes tearing up the inside of my car looking for something I lost for work, only to realize it was exactly where it was supposed to be. If the tire had gone flat then I still would have to deal with all the crap in my car but I was very close to a place I could have it repaired.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my new IC and work managed to mess that up twice it was supposed to be an in person session, then I had to change my planned location. Having an unpredictable work schedule in a different location every day means I’m never bored but damn it sucks for planning things.

[This message edited by UnstuffedGiraffe at 12:54 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

Sorry Unstuffed Firaffe. How stressful

UG. It will get better. Promise.

20. That is hilarious. How does one accidentally say that.?

Thanks y’all. I think that vent and the 1.5 mile walk helped. I got home in a fairly good mood. My car is home on a donut and we’re making a date out of the trip to the tire shop tomorrow. Two months ago I was ready to bolt half the time.

20, I love a good mustache but, how does that accidentally come out?

UnstuffedGiraffe,

No clue!

A friend asked what I was up to.

I blurted out “ Just waiting for a ride on Sam Elliott’s mustache”

Kind of bizarre because I haven’t even seen him in anything since they stopped his show over a year ago.

I’m doing EMDR. My therapist did warn me that it, coupled with the stroke damage to my brain, makes for some weird results

Hi Beautiful Womenz,

Happy New Year for 2021!

Yep it’s been exactly a month since my last post and I am already exhausted by 2021. (Like most of you here).

Stbxwh has been getting treatment for his multiple health problems. I have been trying to support him, to my own detriment.

The family holiday at Christmas was hard work. We ate, slept and as predicted drank more than I dare to admit, just to get through it. We argued a lot! It was terribly unhealthy.

Stbxwh is a total narcissistic asshat! Wants me to forgive him and give him hope of reconciliation this year. “This time will be different”.... heard that shit before.

His last treatment is today and tomorrow morning we are off again for a beach holiday. I booked the rooms with ocean views.

I am going to bite my tongue so I can get some peace. We are strictly NO TALKING ABOUT US! He always ruins it by talking about OUR FUTURE?!

Oh Ladies, it just gets harder!

I have been trying to catch up on the thread and dear ladies, it seems to be getting harder. Hugs to you all!

LadyG,

My WH does that too!

Then pouts when I point out that HE ended US

LadyG, the beach sounds nice but, why are you bringing your husband?

^^^^^ I don't get that either, LadyG. I thought you were S?

Sorry to come on and read of the trials/tribulations on the BW thread. Sometimes it just sucks, and I've been in a real funk for WAAAAYYYYY too long.

the twisty loopy part of the Trigger Land roller coaster you know the part with the damaged tracks always trying to derail the train.

But this one gave me a nice chuckle. Thank you.

In case anyone can handle good news.... I got the call today that it looks like all systems are "go" for a new job. I'm told I'll get the offer next week, tho I'm still holding my breath (even before Dday I was more of a "believe it when I see it" type, and dday REALLY exacerbated that). Keeping my fingers crossed that this long job search in a pandemic may be over.

Not to mention that it's a job with a salary that gives me complete financial independence from WH. NEVER THE FUCK AGAIN will I allow my future to rest on the income from some man. That's the person I was before I met WH... I wish I could remember how she got so far away from the woman I saw in the mirror on dday.

Anyhow, for the first time in a LONG LONG LONG time (my 3yr dday antiversary was last week), things just may be looking up here in the land of GMC94 (maybe it's time for a new username?)

TG- hope that massage was wonderful (and TBH, I'm not so sure I can agree that they are "better" than an orgasm - even the BOB orgasms are pretty damn good ).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:57 PM, January 21st, 2021 (Thursday)]

I'm not so sure I can agree that they are "better" than an orgasm

It shouldn’t be a competition, I think we all deserve both.

[This message edited by UnstuffedGiraffe at 2:03 PM, January 21st (Thursday)]

@GMC - that is amazing news, keeping all fingers, toes, anything else crossed for you. That's one thing I'm supremely grateful for - I always have been financially independent, so there were no issues when separating. A lot of it stems from the fact that I was on my own for so long before I met xWBF that I couldn't help but have to be financially secure! And I've done damn well with it.

So, perhaps TMI here but feels like a safe space, and given that the topic of BOB has been brought up....... I find it really difficult to use mine at the moment. It makes me feel really really sad that I'm relying on a machine when I used to have the real thing, especially when the real thing was really damn effin' good. I was celibate for several years before meeting xWBF (not necessarily deliberately, but I never really did anything to do something about it) and was pretty comfortable with the fact that I might never do the do with someone again. Then I met xWBF and felt IMMEDIATELY comfortable with him physically - like, that has NEVER happened before and I think is part of the reason I dove head first into things with him. Even through to the end, the sex was phenomenal. I miss that a lot, the intimacy and connection was unlike anything I've ever experienced before (it also factors into why I find it so hard to believe his comments about lack of connection because I can't believe you can have sex like that if there's no connection).

Probably a topic for therapy, but wondered if anyone else felt the same way, or if I'm off my rocker here?

I’ll bite since I’ve spent the last 1.25 years dissecting the reality of my marriage and sex life. I think the most important connection needed for great sex is with yourself. Connection to the other person adds to it. When one person looses that connection with themselves everyone looses.

Then there is hysterical bonding, there may have been some reconnection happening but for me it was pretty damned selfish on my end.

Interesting about connection to ourselves. But the best sex I ever had was with a man I lived with nearly 40 years ago (damn, I'm old), when I really don't think I had much connection to anything, including myself!

OOL - I was in a similar place when I met WH. Had been celibate (not by choice - bad prior relationship which I left primarily bc of the lack of sex) for close to 2 yrs when I met WH. Never really thought much about how that may have impacted things. Bedroom with WH didn't become dead/on life support until about 7-8+ yrs into his LTA, and that happened for several reasons, predominantly bc between his ED, hard hearing and issues with hand motor skills, he would hurt me when touching my privates, and couldn't hear me when I'd give directions. After dday I learned he'd not had feeling in his hands for close to 2 years (around the time the bedroom went fully dead), but never bothered to tell me OR his physician. He surgery & it was all fine. Now, in retrospect, I'd add the lack of emotional connection as a factor.

I sometimes have issues with the BOB, but its usually bc for 30 years the person I'd think about was my WH, which now feels icky, so if my head goes to him, then it's usually game over

At my age, the thought of ever even finding someone I'd like to bed is daunting.... let alone then being naked with them. It's a tough thing to accept that D may mean living the rest of my life celibate. Yes, I know that's a self worth/self esteem thing, but it's also the reality of being a woman facing 60 (and having newly incorporated higher standards )

And unstuffed - I agree they shouldn't be a competition - was just commenting on TG's post. We ALL deserve both :)

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:21 PM, January 21st, 2021 (Thursday)]

gmc, I suspect your higher standards will be a bigger barrier than your age in finding someone worthy of being naked with.

ED is frustrating enough without the other stuff added on. It magically disappeared when the affair ended and H started to come out of his depression.

How the hell do you go 2 years with no feeling in your hands without telling anyone?

I sometimes miss sex with my STBX but then I remember all the times he couldn't finish or his erection was iffy (bc he was screwing other people). I also think about how he literally would see hookers and come home to have sex with me without even showering between (unbeknownst to me). So, long story short, I kill that nostalgia with some brutal shots of reality.

I do remember early on, closer to dday I couldn't do BOB - but I don't know if it was so much that it was an inanimate device as it was my STBX ruined sex for me - it was impossible to fantasize even without mind movies of his cheating or memories of when we were intimate and I foolishly thought it was real.