SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks, Dee.

I agree with everything you wrote. I know dragging this out is only increasing the odds he's going to lose it when he's cut off again. I guess that's why my anxiety is off the charts. I barely slept last night.

They fuck you over and fuck you up and don't have the common fucking courtesy to go away afterwards.

Exactly. I mean, I filed for D. It's wending it's way through the system. Any normal person would walk away at that point or before. To keep trying to manipulate and force a relationship that I'm trying to sever permanently is insanity. And confrontation is my weakness - I hate it. I hate being blunt and hurting anyone. Men in general scare me. This one even more so.

I'm a magnet for obsessive types. I got an email out of nowhere from my cheating ex bf a few weeks ago, the one who was still stalking me when I met my STBX. What is my life??

I'm a magnet for obsessive types. I got an email out of nowhere from my cheating ex bf a few weeks ago, the one who was still stalking me when I met my STBX. What is my life??

OMG, me too! But addicts/obsessive kind of go hand in hand, huh?

Had an ex from high school who felt the need to reach out and word vomit his whole life story since we had broken up. Apparently he had become addicted to heroin shortly after we broke up sophomore year. I think he was trying to make amends for the way he had ended things, but then he kept wanting to talk and I had to cut him off.

My ex from college continued to try to contact me even after I changed my phone number and email, blocked him on all social media, and told all of my mutual friends to never give the new one to him.

He eventually found my email address on my website, where I had deliberately not listed my phone number, just in case he were to find it. He proceeded to email me to tell me how it was unprofessional to not list my phone number, that I was probably missing out on clients because I didn't list it

I also hooked up with a guy for a while right before I met my SAXH. He was someone I had known in middle and high school, we had several classes together and had mutual friends/had seen each other at parties, but I wouldn't have considered us "friends". When we started hooking up he went on a whole rant about how he had a huge crush on me throughout middle and high school, but didn't know how to act on it because I was "too intimidating." Anyone else hear that line constantly? It's a very common refrain amongst all of my exes, both relationships and hook ups.

My SAXH was absolutely obsessed with me as well. And in the beginning I was riding the high of new relationship energy too, and it felt good that we were so mutually enamored with each other. Of course I, being of sound mind and without an addict brain, eventually calmed down and settled into how normal, mature relationships work. He resented me for that.

He could not understand why my desire for him wasn't firing on all cylinders 24 hours a day anymore. Now our previous sex life was "false advertisement." No matter that 3-4 hour sessions every time we saw each other was never going to be sustainable long term. Not without a serious lack of sleep, which would have led to a litany of other issues. But who needs sleep when you can just snort some meth, am I right?

I sure know how to pick 'em.

Ladies, I have decided that for now I should just write a letter of apology to my SAWH BS and keep it to myself. I would expect her to spew a lot of hurtful and hateful things to me but I feel I would deserve them. It would be nothing in comparison to being the catalyst to ending her marriage. I believe that after 6 years she would look back and agree that if not me, it would have been some other woman. I should have had the integrity to completely back off once I learned he was married though. My huge mistake. Anyhow, I may get to speak with her some day and I will apologize at that time since I don't know if I would do her more damage at this time.

Skeetermooch, his ex is not the mom of the molested daughter. He and his ex were together for 5 years and married for months when we met.

Regarding SAWH, he wants to start remodeling our hall bathroom. Crazy timing and I'm not sure how motive. He knows I've been looking at rentals online and we haven't started any counseling. We had previously planned to remodel. We have separate bank accounts and I know he would want me to help pay for it.

OMG, HHADL, we're twins. I could share a similar history. For my part, I do love the love-bombing and obsessives are so good at that. I also get the "you're so intimidating" line a lot. I am intimidating. I'm successful and have a high profile so, yes, true. But with these guys it's just makes us more of a prize to win, then control or destroy or both?! Then when they lose us, they've lost their largest trophy and can't accept it.

Your story about the ex who chided you for not listing a phone number - priceless. He's stalking you to critique your business decisions? How helpful.

My SAXH was absolutely obsessed with me as well. And in the beginning I was riding the high of new relationship energy too, and it felt good that we were so mutually enamored with each other. Of course I, being of sound mind and without an addict brain, eventually calmed down and settled into how normal, mature relationships work. He resented me for that.

Yep, I've experienced this with the last two relationships -this idea that we should or could sustain the early intensity forever and not doing so constituted me being a bad partner - not a normal human who needs sleep and to attend to other areas of their life. My STBX used this all of the time, but he was cheating before the intensity ever waned, so, as usual, he's completely full of shit.

I can't see ever being involved with anyone again, but if it happens it's going to be a friendship love rather than romantic love. Intensity and passion are red flags now.

My Heart,

Sounds like a good plan with the BS.

As to your WH, sounds like he's rug sweeping. He wants to pick up where you left off, do a project together, tie yourselves up in that and forget all about moving to a rental. Perhaps he also thinks this demonstrates how invested he is in the marriage, when the real proof would be spending his energy on recovery.

You know what's weird about it, skeeter? I do NOT like love bombing. I'm notoriously terrible at taking compliments, I cringe when people say nice things about me and try to change the subject.

When SAXH and I first started dating, he used to send me poetry via text message, and I would cringe and feel super uncomfortable, even sending screen shots to my friends asking, "What the hell am I supposed to say back to this?" He was also effusive with compliments, and I asked him to tone it down. Wasn't shy about holding hands in public etc., which I had always had issues with in every relationship before him.

I had literally convinced myself that I needed to go along with it. He was "so nice" and I told myself that I had never been with anyone who had done things like that, and maybe I should try something different. That all of my previous relationships had never worked out, therefore I should date a guy who was the opposite.

I didn't know what love bombing was, but I should have trusted my gut that was screaming at me how uncomfortable I was.

And yes, passion like that is now a huge red flag. This idea of settling into a rhythm in a relationship is now my number one priority. I do not want the kind of person who is going to expect sex every time we see each other. Marathon sessions that last for hours will also be a red flag. I wouldn't even consider my sex drive low, I loved that we made time for it at least 3-4 times a week. But when it became apparent that sex was the one thing he valued about me the most, I completely shut down.

MyHeart, I agree that she probably won't want to hear from you. But I think writing a letter that you won't send is a great idea! Such a good way of getting your feelings out, without potentially doing her further harm.

I would tell him that if he wants to remodel the bathroom, you can't stop him, but you won't be putting any time or money into it. I would bet money that if you refuse to lift a finger or contribute a penny, it will never actually happen.

Sounds like this is just his way of sucking you into a project to distract you from everything else going on, most importantly his lack of effort in pursuing his own recovery.

He agreed to not start demolishing the bathroom after I told him our marriage is hanging on by a thread and counselling should be the current big project. He said he wants to get the counselling going... That he wants work on us and he misses attention and affection from me (the whole detachment thing).

We shall see. At least now maybe he realizes I'm serious. It's been about 3 months since the last Dday and he's still never offered the password to his work cell phone, even though I've mentioned a few times that I dont have it.

Whether intentional or an honest mistake, he's not worn his wedding ring in at least 3 days.

We shall see...he will have to do a lot of work on himself and I still may not be able to get past both my guilt and his lack of integrity from how we met. I discovered that he had also told his BS that we met at a bar...which was only true after we INITIALLY met because he had contacted me online to meet when he came down for business and he had falsified his marital status.

[This message edited by MyHeart101 at 1:26 PM, November 25th (Wednesday)]

I had literally convinced myself that I needed to go along with it.

^ That right there. Whatever the "it" is, the flag is when we have to convince ourselves to go along with, or explain away, something that feels a little off to us. It could be anything.

MyHeart,

FWIW, you sound so much stronger than you did when you first came to the forum. I hope you feel it, too.

Way to go, girl.

he's rug sweeping. He wants to pick up where you left off, do a project together, tie yourselves up in that and forget all about moving to a rental.

I agree with this. I have lived this so many times, it’s embarrassing. Grandiose attempts (trip, Reno, large purchase) to pick up where we left off and forget enforcing consequences to their actions because now they are doing something good for you, the family, the home. This avoidance has kept me stuck forever. You should be proud to have stood your ground and made the focus therapy. That’s good.

They fuck you over and fuck you up and don't have the common fucking courtesy to go away afterwards.

And this! Drop the mic for this one. This has also kept me stuck personally. Every step out the door is not without love bombing, promises, emotional manipulation in regards to family unit, the kids, quotes on divorce negatively affecting kids, dramatized stories of what if’s, accusations of me having another partner, slander on my character stating he will get full custody and then of course when all that doesn’t work: the victim! The poor me, I’m ill, can you help me, please support me...

It’s too much, it’s all too F’n much! So I freeze, I stay stuck, I suffer silently.

Currently we need to remortgage our home, he wants to take money from that and do Reno’s. He works full time but even so with shift work he has too much time on his hands so his drinking is increasing. His friend is trying to get him hired at my place of work, so he just applied. My work place is the only place I can escape and be myself without him around. I really hope he doesn’t get this damn extra job! I really wish he had enough respect for me to have asked me first, discussed it with me first...not just tell me. But I guess he just does whatever he wants, I’m not even a thought.

And this! Drop the mic for this one. This has also kept me stuck personally. Every step out the door is not without love bombing, promises, emotional manipulation in regards to family unit, the kids, quotes on divorce negatively affecting kids, dramatized stories of what if’s, accusations of me having another partner, slander on my character stating he will get full custody and then of course when all that doesn’t work: the victim! The poor me, I’m ill, can you help me, please support me...

It’s too much, it’s all too F’n much! So I freeze, I stay stuck, I suffer silently.

Yes indeed, and add in suicide threats and/or attempts and you've got it. I had to turn so cold to walk out that I'd swear it affected me long-term. I had to literally become okay with him being dead to walk out. That changes you and I absolutely understand how hard that is to go through and I feel angry when I think about you guys having to go through their childish manipulative extinction bursts just to try and have a life free from abuse and pain. The unfairness of it all is infuriating. I had to change negatively in order to leave and save myself and isn't that just ridiculous? I couldn't have left as a kind and compassionate person. I had to leave as a person at least as selfish as he was at the time. It wasn't my responsibility whether he lived or died and I had to feel that all the way down and accept it. I had to not care. That he put me in that position is something I still hold anger over. It affects you to have loved someone so much and then go to a place where you accept their death in order to live your life. Not all of them pull that shit, but enough of them certainly do.

The unfairness of it all is infuriating. I had to change negatively in order to leave and save myself and isn't that just ridiculous? I couldn't have left as a kind and compassionate person.

Yes it is unfair. I understand having to change that way in order to leave. You have to grow a tough shell in order to deflect their behaviour. It sucks.

I shared my feelings of him working where I work. I told him I wasn’t fond of the idea. I mentioned I would prefer not to see him at work as our marriage isn’t great and it’s nice to have a place to go to escape our problems. He took this as an insult and replied so you hate me and don’t want me at your work. I denied this but expressed how I prefer to not have to see him at work. Getting through the days at home some weeks are hard enough. Since then he has completely ignored me, good ol silence treatment. He spends his evening watching tv and sleeping in the basement for the past few nights. It’s weird and unfair to not be able to have a productive conversation, to not have my feelings validated and heard in a mature manner. It’s always so dramatic.

My SAWH and I decided last night to get a divorce. He was never going to get the right kind of counseling . The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when he text several nasty messages to me. I've been disrespected but his verbal attack was worse than anything to me...I think. He cursed me, told me FU several times and called me a BIT**. I was done. Drunk or not, that was unforgivable. Such a lack of integrity. A real husband would never say such despicable things to their wife they took vows to "honor and protect" (of course "forsake all others" too). I would never talk that way to him, regardless of our differences...but that's just how I'm wired.

I have mixed feelings. I know our relationship is toxic but it still hurts.

He wants me to remain in the house for several months while we make our house more marketable and profitable. We have 2 boxers and he wants to have joint custody and right now he and they need to keep them from being crated for 13 hours a day. He's agreeing to an uncontested divorce and I told him I want us to split the costs. We live in TN and have been married 4 1/2 yrs. We/He doesnt really have anything to fight over. I'm a little lost about the living arrangements. Makes detaching pretty difficult. What are your thoughts?

He wants me to remain in the house for several months while we make our house more marketable and profitable. We have 2 boxers and he wants to have joint custody and right now he and they need to keep them from being crated for 13 hours a day. He's agreeing to an uncontested divorce and I told him I want us to split the costs. We live in TN and have been married 4 1/2 yrs. We/He doesnt really have anything to fight over. I'm a little lost about the living arrangements. Makes detaching pretty difficult. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are that you get a say in this. You get to say that you won't live with him any longer even if it's inconvenient. Is there no other way for the doggies to not be crated 13 hours per day? Would they only be crated so long due to joint custody if you were living apart and crated because of his work hours?

I currently work remotely from home and SAWH works an overnight swing shift of 12 hours a shift, working 2 day on and 2 day off, and off every other 3 day weekend.

One of the dogs is his. Boxers choose their humans. Neither of us want to split them though. I'm ok with a joint custody situation but I'm afraid of a couple of things; 1) I'm afraid of him keeping my dog from me whenever he had her and 2) we will both eventually be seeing other people and idk how visitation will work. Even though they are our fur babies, they aren't real children and future partners may not like it. 3) Idk if I want to have to see him to exchange the dogs. He's a Jekyll and Hyde character.

I have a girlfriend that i can stay with temporarily and I can work on site if I need to. I am comfortable in my home but it's not necessarily good for our toxic relationship. I realize I am co-dependent and divorce is really hard. I'm afraid I could waiver. He has said he still loves me but I KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. I guess it's a situation of I love him but not in love with him anymore. His behaviors have caused that and him telling me to FU** Off, and FU** You, he's over my sh**, along with calling me as Bi*** was a deal breaker.

Idk if he has a place to go. The only person that I know that would MAYBE let him stay temporarily would not allow dogs...so I'm also concerned he may try to pawn them off on me (although I love both of them) out of convenience to him. Before he knew that I had a place to go, he gave the hypotheyical scenario that neither of us knew if our new place would allow dogs, so the one person (he used me in the illustration) would take both dogs and he would just come by to pick them up occasionally for a play date. I also can't afford to keep both dogs. They eat ALOT!

I honestly think he wants me to stay here because of the convenience, he saves money because we split the bill's, and I'm sure he wants me to maintain the house while trying to sell it.

His demeanor is also confusing me. He's never been so agreeable and nice to me. I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I currently work remotely from home and SAWH works an overnight swing shift of 12 hours a shift, working 2 day on and 2 day off, and off every other 3 day weekend.

One of the dogs is his. Boxers choose their humans. Neither of us want to split them though. I'm ok with a joint custody situation but I'm afraid of a couple of things; 1) I'm afraid of him keeping my dog from me whenever he had her and 2) we will both eventually be seeing other people and idk how visitation will work. Even though they are our fur babies, they aren't real children and future partners may not like it. 3) Idk if I want to have to see him to exchange the dogs. He's a Jekyll and Hyde character.

I have a girlfriend that i can stay with temporarily and I can work on site if I need to. I am comfortable in my home but it's not necessarily good for our toxic relationship. I realize I am co-dependent and divorce is really hard. I'm afraid I could waiver. He has said he still loves me but I KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. I guess it's a situation of I love him but not in love with him anymore. His behaviors have caused that and him telling me to FU** Off, and FU** You, he's over my sh**, along with calling me as Bi*** was a deal breaker.

Idk if he has a place to go. The only person that I know that would MAYBE let him stay temporarily would not allow dogs...so I'm also concerned he may try to pawn them off on me (although I love both of them) out of convenience to him. Before he knew that I had a place to go, he gave the hypotheyical scenario that neither of us knew if our new place would allow dogs, so the one person (he used me in the illustration) would take both dogs and he would just come by to pick them up occasionally for a play date. I also can't afford to keep both dogs. They eat ALOT!

I honestly think he wants me to stay here because of the convenience, he saves money because we split the bill's, and I'm sure he wants me to maintain the house while trying to sell it.

His demeanor is also confusing me. He's never been so agreeable and nice to me. I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yeah, this is what life with an addict is like. You get used to the feeling, so much so that it may fade into the background sometimes. But then the shoe drops, everything comes screaming back, the dust settles, another shoe appears and now you're left in suspense waiting for it to drop again.

I'm so sorry he screamed those things at you. Mine did the same one day when he came home from a business trip and he had a flat tire after I had driven his car. It was before I found out about the affair, but it was definitely in the middle of it. Wouldn't stop calling me while I was at work, and when I wouldn't pick up the phone was texting me in all caps, FUCK YOU! FUCK OFF! and other fun things.

I had seen him angry before over all sorts of stupid shit, but never that angry, and not at me directly. It was really so jarring. I wish I had done more digging at that time instead of accepting his apology. I remember forgiving him because I felt like it was so out of character for him. Please don't do what I did and let him convince you of that. He's showing you who he is, you need to believe him.

Sure, he can be super nice when he wants to be, but that will only last for so long until the next blow up. Also, the fact that he is being nice to you now shows that he can be nice when he wants to be, he just chooses to treat you like shit, cuss you out etc. You don't deserve that.

And yeah, the Jekyll and Hyde thing. I felt that too. Way before we split, years earlier in the relationship, I told him that. That I didn't know who to expect from him, Jekyll or Hyde. We thought he might be bipolar (I didn't understand that diagnosis as well as I do now that my brothers have had manic episodes and been diagnosed). I remember him in a crying fit one night asking me if he should get evaluated for bipolar.

After coming to SI I discovered BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. It felt far more fitting to describe his personality. And when I sought support forums re: being the loved one of a person with BPD, man did all of their stories ring so true.

I'm not qualified to diagnose him, but the diagnosis doesn't really matter. It helped me to talk with others who had similar issues with their spouses/SOs. Even just to read their own experiences with it. I felt less alone, and certainly less crazy. I had a similar feeling of recognition when I came to SI and started reading our Spouses/Partners of SA thread. Because yeah, it's infidelity, so it fits under that broad umbrella. But it's also so specific, and hard to explain to those who haven't lived it. Here it was like ahhhh, yes. That's it. They get it, that's exactly the thing. They put it into words.

Re: the living situation. I kind of wished I had forced the situation and not spent so much on temporary housing in order to get out. But I also reacted in the moment and on DDay something just snapped, I rented a UHaul and got my family to come help me move things, no questions asked. It all happened so fast I didn't really have a ton of time to think about it. In retrospect, I could have stayed and saved a lot of $$. However he was particularly toxic and said if I came back to the house he would force my step daughters to go stay with him and the mistress at her house, which I wasn't going to do to them, so I didn't really have much of a choice.

I can say with confidence that I'm in a much better place with my mental health than I would have been if I had stayed. Going NC helped a lot with that. I'm in a much shittier position financially though, and that does stress me out, so it's not all sunshine and roses on the leaving end either.

You do what you've got to do. If that means staying in the house until the divorce in order to save $$, so be it. If that means getting the hell out of there so you don't have to deal with him, that's fine too. If the dogs were not an issue, what would you want to do? Use that question to assess how you really feel about the situation, then go about trying to make the dog issue work for you no matter which route you choose.

Needing some urgent advice so I’m just jumping in the middle of these important conversations.

I did read about waiting for the other shoe to drop and well it has. I am not strong enough to deal with it anymore.

I noted on my spouses Apple Watch some conversations with 2 other women. One he brought breakfast the other day after his covid test and proceeded to come home to isolate in the basement and have me wait on him until his results came back (negative thankfully). The other is a young 21 year old girl who lives around the corner whom he had contact with years ago. She plans to meet him tmrw after sending inappropriate sexual messages to each other. He is half drunk right now and I can’t be bothered to bring it up to him right now. What’s the point. He will deflect, deny, blah blah blah...been here before.

But how do I get up and go to work knowing this is what may be going on??? Do I say something to her? Do I tell him in the morning that if she steps foot in this house he needs to leave immediately. What do I do?

I really want to get through Xmas then obviously we need to separate. I’ve given him an abundance of time to follow through with the help he requires but he isn’t capable of following through. I am done being made a fool of. I’m not yet strong enough to leave but I am also stronger now than before to put up with this any longer.

Oh Somber, I'm so sorry!

I forget, do you guys have any sort of post nup in place? One that is favorable to you in the case of infidelity? If so, it might be worth trying to set up a camera or something to catch him in the act. I believe there are apps that you can download to iPads, old iPhones etc. that can basically turn it into a motion activated video/audio recorder, just leave it in a common area, propped up against something to get a good view.

If you don't have any other reason why you might need proof, then I wouldn't bother with setting anything up.

I definitely wouldn't message the girl. I did that once to one of the escorts who texted my XH. I deleted the outgoing texts from his phone, but she still responded, and all it accomplished was that he now knew that I knew, and knew that I had snuck into his phone. I got screamed at, then gaslit that it wasn't an escort, it was clearly his friend's phone number but his friend must have just changed his number The only good info I got out of that was being able to Google the number to find out it was an escort service.

I wouldn't bother telling him that if she comes into the house he has to leave... we all know that threatening these men with consequences doesn't work. And even if it did temporarily, all you'll know is that he won't do something terribly hurtful to you when threatened with his own discomfort.

I mean honestly, I would probably preemptively take the day off, then "leave" for work tomorrow, but really stay camped out down the street and see what happens. Catching my XH in the act was traumatizing for sure, but it certainly lit a fire under my ass to get the fuck out of there.

Do you own your home? If so, are you both on the deed? Do you want to stay in your home post separation, or are you planning to find a new place because it would be too difficult to live there once you guys separate? I'm asking these questions because the answers will affect what you do next.

For example, if you don't mind losing the house, then I would suggest going to stay with friends or family until you can find a place to rent on your own. But if you want to keep the home, once you leave it could be considered abandoning the residence, and he might have more rights to it than you.

Have you seen a lawyer at all about separation and what that will look like for you?

Ugh, this sucks! I'm so, so sorry. I'm here if you need anything. Feel free to reply here, or PM me if you would prefer.

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 9:03 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

@somber.

Do you know if he had sex with the 21 year old years ago, cause if he did, that's statutory rape and you could report him.

This is such a hard situation. It's your house too (I believe.) So you can't stop his actions, but I think you have a right to tell him not to do it in your house. Maybe the things to do is to objectively tell him that if he's going to pursue a relationship with anyone, including the 21 year old, it needs to be done at a different location.

I can't recall if you have kids. If not, why wait till after Christmas? You could split this weekend and spend the holiday with people who don't abuse you, or by yourself with good movies and a bottle of wine.