SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my divorce is final, I have taken the time I needed to heal and I decided a few months ago that I was ready to put myself out there in the OLD world. My profile has 2 pictures that are head shots. As a 60 years young female, the entire OLD scene is all a little daunting but I have been on several dates, have had my share of 'ghosting' and have been enjoying the entertainment and endorphin rush when I get contacted by someone that I find interesting and physically attractive and we start getting to know each other.

A week ago, a guy 'liked' me and we started exchanging messages on the site. We moved our communication from the dating site to texting (I'm using a google phone number-not my real number)...and I had sent him 2 pictures of me on vacation. I'm standing in front of 2 businesses (full body shots) and his response today was "I figured you were a large woman because they only post face pics on their profiles. I'm sure you're wonderful and nice but I'm not interested." And he blocked me on the site.

He's right, I'm big, and my profile clearly states "a few extra pounds." I'm beautiful inside and out, I'm confident and I love my curves. It's his loss that he doesn't, and that he is so superficial. I'm glad he was honest (even though the delivery was so tacky and callous) and that he didn't just ghost me.

But I do want to seek some advice from my SI peeps....

*For the men who are using dating websites...is that your opinion/thought process when you see a lady's profile pics but no full body picture included?

*Should I edit the pics on my profile now that I've been provided this 'feedback'? I'm not trying to deceive anybody, but I also don't want to put too much info online and I was very selective in the 2 pictures I included in my profile.... The ones I texted this guy showed locations/friends/family that would need to be cropped for the profile...or new full body pictures would need to be taken solely for this purpose.

Is it really that important? Is this guys response typical or an isolated reaction?

Palmetto,

Here is my honest feedback on this. OLD is a quick catch and release tool. It works great if you do end up landing "the one", or even someone that last for a while. We all want that, or I should say most want that, others just want to play and stay on OLD forever. Either way is okay.

The way that OLD works is mostly review of the profile pictures. Its been studied that most people only ever just look at the first profile picture, thats one and quickly make a decision to either keep reviewing the profile or keep swiping. The odds are not great based on the 1 picture, but your odds increase due to the large number of guys/gals on the app that you would never run into anyway for it not be OLD.

Coming from a males point of view, I myself do steer clear of blurry pictures or people hiding their face, or headshot only profiles. WHY? B/C I feel like they are hiding something. It is also a known trick that curvy women do tend to only have headshots or pictures taken from an above angle, therefore hiding a direct line of sight into their full figure. I've had various discussions with my friends about this, and its definitely a thing.

On the flip, you will see that on the males side of things, what they tend to do is to lie about their height. Yes, that is also a thing. Maybe its superficial, but its definitely a trait that some males do lie about. Its also very pronounced that in many of the dating apps, height and weight is an option. So for full disclosure, and for better results I would say that one full body pic and a couple of others whether its a face shot, or with friends is a good start. You would avoid this type of response going forward b/c those that are not interested will not respond or send comments to your OLD profile.

As for his reaction, it was a bit rude, but it was honest. Show the world your beautiful self, and the ones that are interested will find their way to you. You will waste less of your time as well if you were to meet up in person and you both know exactly what you're expecting and walking into. Good luck out there.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Plenty of guys like a curvier woman. Might as well attract the ones that appreciate you.

"A few extra pounds" leaves a lot to the imagination.

Good luck and enjoy.

Palmetto, I’m also 60 years young, and some of my red flags include: just one picture, blurry or photoshopped pictures that smooth out the face, and just headshots. I prefer curvy women, and if a woman describes herself as being “curvy”, I’d like to see those curves, quite honestly. I also like seeing the date that the picture was taken put in the caption. I have posted about 8 pictures of me on my OLD profile that include a corporate headshot from my work website, headshots, a couple of full body shots, and one group shot showing my relative height (tall), all of which are dated. Again, quite honestly, if I can do that, I expect the same level in a woman’s profile pictures.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 5:33 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

Hello Palmetto! I am piping in as a plus-sized who did some time doing OLD.

I agree that a few extra pounds is very subjective. I know many of thin ladies who feel they have a few extra pounds.

I did not include any pics on my profile but I did select the body type (can't remember now what it was: Plus? BBW? etc).

I only sent pics once I did my sleuthing on that person and was comfortable that it wasn't some creepo.

I would definitely share a body picture. This saves YOU time. Like in the case of this guy who blocked you. It would have saved you any time you vested in texted with that person when this was a dealbreaker to him.

And yes - kudos to him for being honest. I much rather than ghosted.

I had no issues with my size while doing OLD so do not be discouraged. As you stated, you are beautiful and confident - traits many are attracted to!

but I also don't want to put too much info online

I don't feel including a full body pic is putting too much info online. This will benefit you in the long run.

Happy OLD'ing! And good luck on your NB!!!!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 8:17 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

As for his reaction, it was a bit rude, but it was honest. Show the world your beautiful self, and the ones that are interested will find their way to you. You will waste less of your time as well if you were to meet up in person and you both know exactly what you're expecting and walking into.

This. Put a full body shot in your profile. Date your photos. Minimal filters (silly putty face is a red flag. You are 60. You should have lines and pores. It's OK!!

There are definitely men who love curvy women. Rock your curves. Be honest. It's a time saver. And yes, have fun!

I definitely have a few extra pounds and have earned every one of them.

That guy that blocked you did you a huge favour. If someone wants to block me based on superficial things then I saved myself a lot of time.

FTR I've never had a complaint about my body and I am actually more popular now than I was when I was thin. Being comfortable in your own skin is sexy.

I concur, include a full body shot and date your photos.

I’ve included a quick sentence “my age and photos are accurate...yours should be too” 😊

Also to so many people lying about their age, so frustrating! I’m suspicious of the man that has every pic w a hat. Rock your bald head, it’s fine!

And while I agree that his wording could have been finessed a bit more, he did you a favor by not wasting your valuable and precious time.

He was rude, but I do agree that full body shots are a great idea. And putting dates on the pics is a great idea. There are plenty of guys who not only don't mind curves but actively prefer them!

My boyfriend did the opposite of what most women do. He lost 60 lbs and was too lazy to update his pics. so I showed up to our first date and I was like WHAT IS HAPPENING reverse catfish

Guys do lie about height. Idk why because it becomes immediately obvious when you meet.

Good luck out there!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:50 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

Thanks to all of you for the helpful comments...I have updated my profile using these suggestions and of course, after 'editing' it, several new men have already reached out to me. (I assume that editing a profile bumps it back to the top or back into the rotation again?) 1 or 2 respondents do pique my interest enough that I want to learn more about them. I appreciate all the Good Luck sent my way, and I'm certainly having fun while loving and living my NB!

You’re trying to find someone who is attracted to you, so post pics that show your body too. If they’re not into your body type they’ll “self-select” themselves right outta there, saving you time and disappointment. I’m 5’11”, and get passed over by the gals that require 6’+. Used to bother me, but I’m actually grateful they pass along. Believe me there are people who make selections based on more than just appearances. Those are the people you want in your life. Don’t worry about being curvy... plenty of guys like that!

Hi there - wanted to chime in on your subject.

I created a profile on a site even though I'm nowhere near ready for dating - just because I wanted to see what would happen if I presented myself honestly and see what is even out there in my age group.

I'm in a place in life where I want someone to like/love me exactly for who I am, when the time comes. I deserve to be treated well, and for my body to be accepted the way it is.

The sites recommend it, and you should, post a full body pic.

I have disfigured and badly reconstructed breasts from two episodes of breast cancer (before cancer they were spectacular :( ). I have another surgery scheduled to "fix" it, but in the meantime, it is what it is. My STBX said he wasn't attracted to me anymore (swore it wasn't the breasts, maybe..) I am on endocrine and anxiety meds, so combined with that and forced menopause and 2 c-sections I have a big belly and significant love handles. I would say about 25 pounds overweight. But I am cute and I have a great personality and I am REAL. I present myself well, polish up nicely, and am honest.

I know who I am, and where I want to be. My profile says "survived breast cancer like a rock star and scars and extra pounds to prove it" and "if your primary goal is hooking up or sex, move on". I did this with purpose. I want to weed out any shallow people who don't care or understand about how life happens. I don't want any creeps that want to manipulate fake intentions for a quick hookup with a person whom appears to be "vulnerable".

I want genuine people who want some company and common interests before we venture into anything physical. That said , first impressions can be dealbreakers when you meet in person, attraction is a part. All the more reason:

Do you really want to waste your time meeting people only to find they won't accept your appearance?

Are you comfortable enough with your life and who you are to present exactly who you are now?

Gently - if you can't say yes to those things.. you could find yourself in an unhealthy, codependent relationship.

It doesn't have to be anything revealing. Just a head to toe photo. I posted two headshots in different angles, different settings. Then two full body - one sitting down, with less makeup, another standing up.

I get a lot of matches, even with all the "red flags" I put out on myself. Some of them are not ideal but some have potential. I wont' be acting on any of it anytime soon - but it was encouraging. Because there are people out there that want quality.

Be real. Just my opinion.

Betrayedafter20, your truth is inspiring! My hope for you is that when you ARE ready to date, that you meet someone deserving of your amazing self!

Are you comfortable enough with your life and who you are to present exactly who you are now?

My answer is a definite YES...my edited profile now includes full body pics, including one in a bathing suit since I love the beach and water...and my verbiage states in part "if you're looking for a Barbie doll figure, a nurse or a purse, please keep swiping"

I realize that the years I have left to live are fewer than the years I've already lived...and I know what I want in my next relationship and partner. If I don't find what I am seeking then that's ok too, because I am what makes me happy....and I am not desperate or willing to settle for anything less just to be with someone. I'm having fun exploring the OLD world while staying safe and learning how all this works.

My answer is a definite YES...my edited profile now includes full body pics, including one in a bathing suit since I love the beach and water...and my verbiage states in part "if you're looking for a Barbie doll figure, a nurse or a purse, please keep swiping"

Palmetto - outstanding! I want to hear about your responses :) I bet you are beautiful. You knew the answer to your question before you posted. you just let that rude guy get in your head a bit.

my edited profile now includes full body pics, including one in a bathing suit since I love the beach and water...and my verbiage states in part "if you're looking for a Barbie doll figure, a nurse or a purse, please keep swiping"

I love this. It's real. It's genuine. And you rocked a bathing suit without a "perfect figure"...whatever that is! Your profile now projects honesty and confidence. The right man is going to be all over your sh**.

Keep us posted!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:00 PM, September 12th (Saturday)]

When I was doing OLD 10 years ago, I simply put the truth in there. I was looking for a long term relationship and how can you start a new relationship based on lies, or “exaggerations” ? As an infidelity survivor, I’m very sensitive to the truth.

It made things harder for me. How does one compete with people with “improved” profiles? Patience is a virtue...

The woman who became my wife had a bunch of rules such as don’t date anyone from a different “state” (I’m not american but I say state for simplicity) or any men under 6 feet tall.

I didn’t meet those criteria but we’ve been married 6 years now :)

I didn’t meet those criteria but we’ve been married 6 years now :)

SH - just curious - why did she agree to date you without passing the two criterion?

I do think its a good idea to have a full body shot on your profile. Choose one that tells a story. Like you being at a cool place or you just having fun doing something. My full body pics show me hula hooping with fire.

Also, I'll be honest, when someone says "a few extra pounds." Sometimes it means just that, sometimes it means that they are morbidly obese. You might as well put everything out in the open from the start so you don't fall for someone that will not fall for you.

I was extremely honest with someone the last time I went on a date. He loved that about me and we are still together 8 months later!

You know, this brings to mind a good male friend of mine said to me in my 20's after I lost weight: you look great! If you would've looked like this in high school, we would've been married by now! All I could think of was "how shallow can you be? Like I would even be interested in him that way" You are the prize, and there are sensitive and smart men that will realize that.