SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There's a single guy that lives in my cul de sac. He's lived here for about 5 years, and my kids and I go for nightly walks past his house. He works in the evenings, so I only see him on his two off days, and even then it's only when he happens to be outside when I'm out for a walk. (I've never talked to him or really noticed him until recently.) One evening over the summer I yelled out "Hello!" when he was sitting on his porch when I walked by, and from then on we'd exchange hellos whenever he was out when I went past. Last week he was outside doing yard work and after we said hello, we started talking about the leaves falling, and then other random small talk for about a half hour. I didn't see him again for a few days, and then on Monday he was outside when I walked by and we talked again for another half hour. The next night he was back out and we chatted for 20 minutes, and I sent him a friend request on Facebook.

But like...now what? What do you do if you'd like to get to know someone? I feel like if he had any interest in getting to know me better, I'd be able to tell, and the only vibe I'm getting from him is that he's being neighborly - I mean it's not like I look my best when I'm out walking every night. I wouldn't know how to make a first move, and even if I did, it would be super uncomfortable and embarrassing to be turned down since he's my neighbor and our cul de sac is about as gossipy as they come .

I feel like an idiot even posting this on here. What am I - a middle school girl? Ugh.

thisisterrible,

why the trepidation?

It is not the 1950s where the man is always supposed to make the first move.

Every long term happy relationship that I know of started out as a friendship.

If nothing else comes of it you have a friend as a neighbor and I find this situation to be good because friendly neighbors look out for one another.

our de sac is about as gossipy as they come

What am I - a middle school girl

Let the neighbors talk.

But what's to say you need to do anything besides what you are doing? It seems to suit him. Everyone starts out with the weather and other safe conversation.

So this may be me reading between the lines all wrong, but here's a few thoughts:

First - you mentioned going for walks with the kids. Have they always been there or around playing in the cul de sac while you're having these chats? Or have you had some of these moments one-on-one? Might make a difference.

Are you feeling like a middle school girl because all of this is new to you? That it's been ages since you've had a "crush?" And that sends you back to those days where you didn't know how to navigate a potential "going steady with boys" thing?

That's how I felt when SO came into my life.

What worked for me was what fooled13years said - the good friendship thing. I had to let go of the outcome and acknowledge I really enjoyed spending time with him - whatever that was going to mean. I remember saying to myself, "You know - I was attracted to all of my lifelong friends at some point too." And by attraction, I don't mean sexual. They were interesting and all had a something that drew me to them. So I went with that. Attraction = good.

So yeah - I would come on out with it if you want to spend more time with him. (Is that what you mean by first move btw?)

What about: Hey - you into grilling? Feel like coming by and sharing a meal this Fall sometime? I make a mean ______. What about you - what's your specialty? It's the kind of thing friends do. And I hope you wouldn't feel those loaded words of "turned down, uncomfortable, and embarrassing" if he declines. Doesn't mean you can't go on being the friendly and chatting neighbor.

Where I would be uncomfortable is doing the middle school routine that had me making myself up and scoping out his schedule and just "happening" upon him until he does or doesn't make a first move.

Trust yourself to be the decider thisisterrible.

Think about this...do you go on your walks about the same time each evening? And now at least multiple times he just happens to be in his front yard working...at that time? On his off days...

Me thinks he is putting himself in your view and pretty soon he will be trimming his lawn with scissors to stay out there.

Ask him to go with you on the walk (without kids?) on his next day off. He may surprise you and say, how about right now?

Not sure where u live, but glass of wine or tea outside before it gets too cold?

I agree that it does not always need to be the man making a first move. Just make it casual and be ready for the prospect of rejection.

Good luck!

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:44 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]

I'm not ready for any of this since newly separated but it is definitely something I think about for the future. I am still mainly in D&S threads but jumped in here today...this is encouraging and I think I would feel the same way as you, Thisis. I think you received some great responses :)

Some of us males are pretty clueless and need a bit of a slap to get our attention. This guy might be shy as well, so I think a direct approach like asking to go along on the walk or inviting him on a safe outing (my new friend invited me bike riding and kayaking) to encourage him.

The world of friendships/dating seems to have changed a lot while I was sequestered, I mean married. Now that I'm moving into a new phase of life I spend much of my time confused. My son, 29 years old and wise beyond his years, told me to just enjoy the people I am around and try to meet a variety of people. He also said its good to find friends with the same interests thus the biking and kayaking community here is ripe for friendships.

Be bold but not overly aggressive (unless that is your personality) and it never hurts to be a bit assertive. My new friend and I went on a long bike ride last night - started out on a sunny afternoon and finished in the starlight. Last week she invited me to kayak under the full moon. Sunday we are going to go on a group ride and then have lunch together for the first time and the lunch was my first "invitation" of this friendship. She has been the one to suggest biking and kayaking.

Have fun and don't put any pressure on yourself or have really any expectations other than a new friend and you might get surprised.

Well, I decided to kind of make a move. I sent him a Facebook message that just said "Hi there, haven't seen you around the neighborhood lately, hope all is well!". I can see that he read it...but he didn't respond. He also wasn't outside or anything on his days off, even though I saw his car in the driveway.

So, no interest in his end - at least I know now, right?

But wow - this is a crappy feeling that brings me back to how I felt when XH left me for someone else. I just feel stupid and embarrassed. I haven't dated much in the past 10 years and this has reminded me why - the feeling of rejection isn't worth it to me, at least not right now.

Pity party over. Back to being confidentiality single and not looking

[This message edited by thisisterrible at 1:19 PM, October 9th (Friday)]

That was perfect. Short and sweet and nothing to be embarrassed about at all! It was a completely natural Facebook Hello.

It helps to remember how you feel about normal guys that you like, think are nice people, but aren't interested in. 'Not interested' isn't really rejection in my mind, it's just 'not interested'. You didn't make any move that indicates that was anything more than just a friendly neighbor checking in so I think you are good to go to just be neighborly acquaintances.

I know, easy for me to say-----

For a neighbor, I would invite him over for a campfire after the kids are in bed. Thats something friends do all the time, and its a good way to get to know someone. Plus, if things are awkward, you can just stare into the fire.

His lack of response may have nothing to do with you.

Don’t feel rejected. Be proud you made some effort to reach out.

But wow - this is a crappy feeling that brings me back to how I felt when XH left me for someone else. I just feel stupid and embarrassed. I haven't dated much in the past 10 years and this has reminded me why - the feeling of rejection isn't worth it to me, at least not right now.

This is exactly how I respond. I cannot seem to be impartial to the passive rejection. Many people view dating or attempting to date as a numbers game and seem to be completely unfazed by rejection.

I am not that person. It hurts me to be rejected over and over and that is why I have chosen to be a happy single lady.