SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My teaching partners made an observation yesterday that took me by surprise (I teach in a skilled trades academy with 3 of us within our larger high school). They said that they both noticed that I was much happier than I was a year ago. I thought I was hiding my misery better than that. I'm the old experienced mentor teacher, so these young guys noticing that mean a lot.

Adventure friend is coming over tonight to eat and get ready to go skiing on Friday. I expect she'll sleepover.

Adventure friend and I went away for a four day weekend of hot springs,skiing, eating, walking and being merry! We had a fantastic time. We stayed at the same hostel we did last time and spent more time just enjoying the high altitude, the snow, the cold temperatures, the people in the hostel and in the town and of course each other's company.

I may have mentioned that there is a 15 year age difference and we have both put that to rest, without any qualms. She said that she still doesn't believe I'm actually 57 and that 57 is the new 47 and she will be 43 in a few months, so the age isn't that stark and she doesn't mind either. She noted that I don't complain about aches and pains, talk or act "old" and have remarkable vigor for any man of any age. I ski better than she does, am a stronger cyclist and just seem to enjoy life. The ages are not an issue with us.

Funnily enough though, other people notice and some even say things, often innocently. One morning I was making breakfast in the hostel kitchen and visiting with another man who is a little younger than me. Talk turned to pandemic of course and education and so he innocently asked me if my "daughter" had any problems with her kids and education during the pandemic. I laughed a little when he got embarrassed when I said "She's not my daughter," with a really big smile. One of my new sayings is "No Worries" and I was able to tell him that. He laughed a bit and said his wife is 12 years younger than him.

Another update: she came over last night for dinner and sleepover. We had much fun and she said, "I think I'll just keep you for myself," which sort of surprised me as we've talked about just being fwb, but we sure are doing a lot of stuff together.

Funny aside, my 17 year old, who wasn't home last night until about 11, got up after she left and said, "Sheesh dad, sounds like you were having a good time last night and again this morning!" He's probably proudly horrified.

Unfortunately, life intrudes during the work-week, so we couldn't hang out all day today. I had a water pipe freeze and break on Monday, so have been dealing with all of that stuff - water mitigation, insurance adjuster, days off work because I have to be here to deal with it. I haven't been to work in a week - man, retirement is getting closer!!

[This message edited by countrydirt at 12:29 PM, February 18th (Thursday)]

I've mentioned that my friend- girlfriend? - is in a protracted custody fight with her ex that has been going on for 8 years. A few weeks ago, the ex filed to reduce her custody and she filed to ask the judge to enforce the 50/50 arrangement as her ex had been keeping her middle son away from her for 3 weeks. The judge denied both motions and ordered the DSS to investigate.

Her visit from the investigator was yesterday. I offered to go help her clean her house, so I went up early yesterday to help. In about 2 hours we had it spic and span and I enjoyed helping. Her mom popped in and said, "Oh, now you're a cleaning buddy too!"

She called me after the investigator finished and talked my ear off for about 20 minutes. She's pretty encouraged but a little worried that the investigator might recommend that she have full custody. She does not want to keep her kids away from their dad, she just wants her share protected. In the 8 years since her divorce, she has filed 5 motions relating to schooling and contempt and all approved except for the last one. The ex has filed 900 (not an exaggeration) - all rejected .

I'm so lucky that my 2 oldest are adults (30 and 27) and my youngest at 17 told his mom that he was staying with me so nothing to "fight about" there.

This will probably be my last "bragging" post here for a while. My adventure friend and I have made the leap of faith forward and finally started telling each other that we love the other. FYI - she said it first!

We had a great weekend of skiing and hiking and eating great food (that we cook together) and enjoyed the company of a mutual badass career Army officer friend (5'2", 140# of blonde major and fun fun fun skiing and hiking and laughing)

She is pretty much at my house now on the days that she doesn't have her kids. She finds my house warm and relaxing (even still dealing with the water leak in the basement two weeks ago) and the prospects of asbestos abatement in the laundry room this week. She'll have them for two days starting today and then will be solo again on Wednesday and then have them for a week starting on Friday. We realized that we've pretty much been together everytime that she hasn't had her kids since the first part of October.

We laughed this weekend when she talked about how she kept me in the "friend zone" for so long, but how even during that time, we were "dating" every week and how periodically, she would try to 'fix me up' with one of her acquaintances and how those never worked.

Keep your chins up gang. It can happen. We don't know where this will end up, but all we can control is where we are today and how we live today. I'm satisfied with that.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 1:16 PM, March 1st (Monday)]

Okay, maybe a little more bragging. For those who haven't read my story on my profile, my ex turned out to be a closeted/repressed lesbian and started cheating 5 years ago. Her repressed sexuality, in the rearview, explains a lot about our lack of intense intimacy, but neither of us knew any better.

Both of us are better off now. She's happy and I am definitely happy and we are settling into a new sort of friendly relationship. Hell, we were best friends for over 30 years and we aren't just shutting that off.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I both entered into our AdventureSHIP with eyes open and zero expectations about relationship. In fact, when we started hanging out, she was dating a guy, who I met and rode bikes with and thought he was a decent guy. That relationship didn't work out for her because apparently he became jealous about how much time her and I spent together as buddies. His loss.

As we grew closer as friends and we realized that first of all, we really LIKED each other and have similar interests and similarities in humor and thought patterns. I teased her that the travel mug she gave me at Christmas was like an "engagement mug" in that every time I looked at it or drank out of it and saw the motto of Live A Great Story, she meant for me to think about her. And FYI, I drink out of it every day.

We first became intimate the last of January/ first of February weekend and were both blown away by the intensity. I told her that she was only the 3rd woman I was with over the past 33 years or so and was amazed at what we experienced and how she responded. She said that she'd never felt anything like what she felt when we were together. She was married for about 7 years and divorced for 8 and has had several relationships after her marriage ended.

She gave me another mug before our second weekend together which was Valentine's weekend. She said that could be my "anniversary" mug of 6 months together. Bragging again, but we spent more time physically engaged than we did skiing that weekend. She did say that once she saw that I could actually ski, I became even more interesting and that she couldn't believe that I was actually 57 because I was more vigorous than anyone she had been with.

Since that weekend, we have spent every night together when she doesn't have her kids. I cleared a few shelves off in my medicine cabinet for her and she has left 'product' in the shower for her next time. I didn't have a washcloth, face-wash, conditioner (I'm bald) or the right shampoo in my house. Now I do.

She says she's never been treated like I treat her. I'm shocked. I thought politeness, respect and helpfulness were what you were supposed to do. I thought listening and responding were what you were supposed to do. And she said she's never had intimacy like we have, ever.

It's been magical gang. I never expected it.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 6:33 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]

Who needs the Hallmark Channel when I have countrydirt's thread? (Bleep throws a dumbbell through her flat screen)

Who needs the Hallmark Channel when I have countrydirt's thread?

For real. It's really good to have some happy endings mixed in with all the tragedies.

Who needs the Hallmark Channel when I have countrydirt's thread? (Bleep throws a dumbbell through her flat screen)

For real. It's really good to have some happy endings mixed in with all the tragedies.

Aww, thanks. It's so hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes and I'm just trying to share a little light in these crazy dark times we all go through. I've been so very encouraged lately and believe it or not, pretty darn happy.

So we had a rough couple of days. She is in a temporary loss of custody due to a bogus report from her 11 year old. It will be resolved on Friday, but she is hurting right now. Parental alienation is a shitty situation.

We spent Saturday and Sunday in the mountains and enjoyed an escape from reality. On Monday, after she left my house and after I went to work, she started on an escape from "us". She didn't feel it was right to come to my house and make suggestions about how I ought to arrange things or decorate and went silent on me.

I sent her a few messages throughout the day and decided I would just give her some space. Toward the end of the day yesterday, she reached out via text to me so we chatted a bit and she asked me to come to her house.

She laid out her thinking to me in that her pattern has always been when she gets involved with someone, she soon makes plans to escape and break the relationship, but she realized that it didn't feel right to escape from "us" because I'm different than anyone she has ever been with and what we have has been different in many ways from her marriage and subsequent relationships. Our relationship started out with a growing friendship based around shared adventures and respect for each other for about 5 months before it became more intimate and has only grown deeper in friendship and fun every day. We've been together almost every day for the past couple of weeks and maybe both of us haven't been taking care of ourselves first.

I told her that if I was doing something to make her uncomfortable, I needed to know what I did so I could resolve it and either change my behavior or talk through it to come to a resolution. An example was that when we returned from our ski weekend, I shared a can of cherry cider with my son while I cooked him and her a meal. She is on a somewhat restricted diet due to having several concussions and trying to eat better for her brain health. She didn't think it was supportive of her diet for me to drink that in front of her as she tries to limit sugars in her diet. I agreed that I didn't even consider that and would make more effort to not put "temptations" in her face like that. (An aside, her diet is not about weight, but about brain nutrition. She's 5'8" and maybe 120 pounds with very little body-fat - hell, eating with her and being active has brought me down to a weight I haven't seen in years! - 5'10", 168 pounds)

When we parted this morning, we agreed that we can only take things in the present and shouldn't try and work too hard on what-ifs and future plans. We can enjoy today and let tomorrow worry about itself.

Life truly is short and we can never be certain about the future, as most of us here have discovered.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 11:39 AM, March 17th (Wednesday)]

Countrydirt - I'm glad youre enjoying your new beginnings and that you are happy is the ultimate goal for all the BS's aint it.

Just a couple of points on what you said about the new lady. She said that from her experience, she tends to run after a little while in a relationship, is that due to childhood abandonment trauma? I've met a couple of girls with Daddy issues while I was dating around and that seemed to be the case with that type of trauma. They push away when things get close for fear of rejection. Again, just a thought.

On you sharing a cider upsetting her.... I'm kinda confused on that one. I mean, yes, she is on a strict diet, but you didn't offer her the cider. Sharing one with your son seems like a pretty solid Dad thing to do. As we all move ahead, I believe its best to be our true authentic self. I don't see what you did as inconsiderate at all, but rather you just sharing a cider or it could be a brownie with your son. It shouldn't be upsetting to her. Its not like its drugs or something illegal. Just think about the above point, is she looking for ways to push you away now?

Countrydirt, it sounds like we both had a shitty week so far! I know how you must be feeling, but I think there’s a possibility that she might just be on a downer and see everything in a negative light. Patient alienation is a pretty big deal, and although I haven’t experienced it personally, I know it would hit me like a ton of bricks. This change of attitude seems too sudden to make any sense independently of the custody thing.

Obviously what she said to you about wanting to escape is a distinct red flag, but I would just wait it out, give her space, and see how the next couple of weeks pan out. About the drink comment, I think she just lashed out and I wouldn’t read too much into it.

At our age, we all come with heavy baggage, and unique triggers, unfortunately. But I sincerely hope you can sort things out.

What was the nature of the bogus report? Where I am from, it is really hard for a parent to lose custody. How will it be resolved by Friday?

I think the cider thing was out of line. She may have just been lashing out, but I don't like that you were the target. I hope she's not digging for drama. My STBX has to have conflict. It's like air to him.

Just keep your eyes open. After the 6 month mark in any relationship, people start to get real.

Hopefully this is just a little speed bump due to her custody stress.

The bogus report happened like this - I was there and saw it. The 11 year old is the main one lashing out with the alienation, almost oppositional defiance. Somehow, he had a bloody nose. He came screaming out of his room that his 8 year old brother gave him the bloody nose. The 8 year old was not even in the room with him. Then a few minutes later, the 11 year old went into the bathroom and filmed a video that he sent to his dad claiming that mom had given him the bloody nose. Dad filed a court motion right then and the judge had a quick judgement granting temporary full custody to dad (this was all two weeks ago). I may be called, although the attorney thinks the other friend that was there at the same time will likely be the better "witness".

Since then, DSS and CPS have interviewed and a formal hearing is scheduled with the judge on Friday. Several possible outcomes - kids say they don't want to be with mom and judge makes it permanent, or judge awards sole custody of the 11 year old to dad and keeps the other two on a 50/50 or some other convoluted outcome.

The whole thing has hit her like a ton of bricks. I do think the cider deal was just a lash out of emotional energy at the end of an exhausting week and who can blame her?

Regarding her running/escape, she told me that since she left the physically and mentally abusive marriage 8 years ago, she's been afraid to commit to any sort of relationship, but that it felt wrong to try and run away from what we've started building.

We've talked a couple of times today and are back to texting links to songs to each other and talking about dinner plans for tonight and what-not. She said, "I know I can't just avoid being in a relationship, so I'm in!" We talked about how she's never really been treated with respect in her adult life in any relationship and how much she enjoys that I always do that and am always a gentleman.

I reminded her that we both are 'damaged goods' and that we will likely have hiccups along the way, but that shouldn't get in the way of the friendship, adventureSHIP and relationship. We need to give each other grace and space.

I can relate to the "never being treated with respect in an adult relationship". It's very possible she's lashing out because she is waiting for the other shoe to drop with you. Just keep being yourself, and make sure you don't become a doormat. Call her out, gently, if she is out of line.

The thing with her 11 year old is awful. That must be very hard for her and bring up all sorts of emotions and pain. Sounds like you've gotten everything out in the open and are back on track. Communication is good!

She came over last night and we had a nice dinner (pork chops, asparagus and sauted mushrooms) and talk. She said something along the lines of "it's just easy to love you," and we smiled a lot.

This morning I was late to work for nearly the first time in my 20+ year teaching career! It was so hard to leave the house! Retirement looks more and more attractive all time.

Another first for us. Our local area (in the county next to a larger city) is pretty much back open. A local entrepreneur who owns a restaurant and bar set up a huge tent outside of his business so he could have "outdoor" dining and events. He's pretty much had live music every weekend throughout the entire pandemic. Last night was the first concert type setup with an out of towner coming in to play. We decided to go and I bought tickets. She came over after work and we ate steaks I grilled. Then she got ready and we drove the 3/4 of a mile from my house to the venue.

We've been pretty cautious about 'advertising' our relationship in front of people we know locally. But, I saw at least 2 of my high school students there and she saw one girl who is on the same soccer team as her daughter. We both know the parents and were pretty circumspect about PDA and decided we would not hold hands or smooch when the students could see.

But, the music was so good that we went right up front and started dancing. She tapped my shoulder and we saw my students and her daughter's friend all holding their cell phones up and likely filming us and sending it on out to the teenage grapevine which will likely include her kids. So we spontaneously decided to just stop trying to be so cautious and went ahead and danced and held hands in the larger group.

Later, back at my house, while we were having a snack, we talked that it is silly to not go ahead and be in an out and open relationship (not THAT open - we were both cheated on in our marriages) but to go ahead and let the world see.

We're both pretty cautious, however, and are continuing to take our time, but, she did have me take her bicycle out of her pickup and put it in my garage. I guess that makes up "garage official"! We continue to marvel at how much fun we are having together and she couldn't really believe I could country dance and she appreciated that I could "lead" her on the dance floor. I told her that I earned a PE credit in college taking and then helping teach country dance classes way back when.

Ironically, she invited an older friend to meet up there. She had been trying to fix me up with this older friend back earlier in maybe November and it just never worked out. But the older friend and I talked quite a bit last night (we're both teachers). She said, "I guess I missed the opportunity with you," and went on to say that she was happy for us. I said that we can never have too many friends and that all was okay.

Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm happy for your finding someone to share time with.