SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In August of 2005 I met who would become my future husband, I was 20 he had just turned 24. When I met H I was into another guy. But I started to date H because he was hot and so much more and he gave me crazy tingles. I really was starting to dig him. But I was unable to ditch the first guy. I took me almost loosing my now H before I stopped seeing the other guy and then even after H and I became a couple I cheated one more time. I never told H about this … he found out when he read my journal after we had moved in together. And I rug swept and lied and he believed me. I told my H that the other guy was just FWB. I thought it would just go away because in my heart I love my BF and the other guy was just a crush I had. Because of my lies about this my marriage is based on a cracked lied foundation. I knew I loved my BF then so lied to protect myself.

Fast Forward 7 years into our relationship, I had an EA, with a high school EX It started on Facebook then to text. During the time my H … then BF was aware of my “friendship” with this guy. But I wasn’t open about how I was truly feeling. My H had even asked me if I was started to like him… I lied. I don’t know when I started to have the feelings but that doesn’t matter. I lied. I had allowed myself to develop feeling for another person. I posted on a website how I was feeling about this other man and my BF and found it what I did because it was on my phone. I had left the post up on my phone and my BF needed to use my phone. So he found it. And I lied … I lied and said I was just writing. At the time when I told my BF this I never wanted to leave my BF or actually see the other man in person. I never physically say him… we only commutated via phone. When my BF found it I was so ashamed and scared he would leave me I deleted all the texts that were from the other guy.

I have never just come out clean to my H but I have nothing else to come clean to, he dug and dug and asked questions and then I told him. But it was TT and I have caused so much damage and pain. I have caused so much damage.

I have never done my husband right. I know I’m probable too late but I want to fight for my man. I have stolen his life I married him and had two children with him based on a lie. I know in my heart I love him and I want to do the right thing. I don’t know what to do… I do know I have NOT done the right thing EVER. I want to prove to him I can and want to change. I want to put in the hard work ahead of me. I’m no longer treading water in my marriage we are drowning. He is looking at having a trial separation. I want to do ever right step from here on out.

I don’t want to lie and I don’t want my husband to hate the fact he ever met me. I know that I can’t change the past but I want to make the future the best one I can. I want to take the right steps forward.

My H is a wonderful in every way you can image. I don’t deserve him but I want to be able to deserve him. I want to save my marriage.

Please tell me what I need to do? My H has given me a gift of a chance and I want to cherish this gift. So please with an open dose of vulnerably I’m asking for help to save my married.

I don't trust my own instincts or feelings. Up until now I have been making it worse. I need help.

-15yrs

there is light. But you have to care more about who you will become than who you will be with.

if that makes sense.

Do you lie? or tell yourself lies? I know you did before, I'm asking about now. Do you lie now?

[This message edited by Maia at 3:37 PM, November 9th (Monday)]

There is always a light. But it's hard to change.

Find a good therapist. Take space to sort yourself out. Give your partner space to sort himself out. He should probably go to therapy himself.

There is always a light but it might not be the place you think it will be. One of the hardest things I had to do was to let go of my marriage. To let go of this need to control the outcome.

There's no guarantee for anything. But you can come out the other side a better person. It's just that the journey is hella rough.

Good luck. I hope you and your husband find happiness together.

Maia- I no longer lie. I have started to look at my life with truth eyes. And it has been terrible I do not want to be that person. I'm struggling with the truth but I'm no longer lieing to myself nor to my H. I struggle with having to answer honestly knowing the answer will hurt him ... but I know to lie is much worse. Each time he asks a question and I know the answer is awful it's like a dagger from my mouth to his heart but a lie is a buck shot.

Forgetabledad- Thank you for your words. I want the change.

I'm missing something here.

You say you secretly kept seeing your ex as you started dating your H in 2005. H (then BF) figured that out by reading your journal when you moved in together. You told him it was just FWB, because you thought the crush would go away eventually. It's not clear how you ended things with this OM.

7 years later, you started an EA with a high school ex. Your BF saw a post on your phone about how you felt about the OM, but you persuaded him it was just fiction and deleted your affair texts. Again, it's ambiguous how this ended with AP.

Now it's been several more years, you've gotten married, you have kids, and he's digging around in your past and talking trial separation. What set this off? Is it all about the lies and cheating from years ago, or is there more recent infidelity in the mix?

Note that I'm not minimizing the impact of long term lying. I did that, too, and it's one of the main reasons I'm here. I'm just trying to understand the scope of your current situation.

BraveSirRobin -

I ended the PA a month after we became an official couple. Before we became an official couple H did ask me at the time not to sleep with other people but he didn't care if we dated other people. I told him I would respect him and wouldn't sleep with other men. But I did and I did it one more time after we became an official couple. I ended my PA with the OM on my own and it wasn't a hard choice. H knew about this other guy but I lied about my feelings and covered up the truth. H found out about me having a PA a few months into us living together. But we never really dealt with it and moved on. But because of the EA I had 6 years ago and all the lies I have created an enormous amount of doubt for my H.

EA was 6 years ago was with an EX from High school, nothing special about the high school relationship didn't last long, never had sex with him. But when he contacted me on Facebook I didn't shut him down and I allowed myself to have an EA. H found out about it told me to never talk to OM again. And I did... I never reached out or spoke to him again. I told him to never contact me again because I was in a relationship. The EA lasted about 3 weeks.

But I lied about it all. I wasn't able to speak to my H about what I had done. I lied I hid and shut down every time he tried to reach out to me. I became very cold every time he tried to talk about his feelings.

We "moved" on got preggers - planned baby and got married. We had our 2nd baby and we were in a really dark place and I still wasn't able to reach out and tell my H the truth. He always had a feeling I was hiding something and he was correct. But I hoped that if I loved him enough it could just go away. And now that is where we are ... it doesn't just go away.

Hi 15 -- I had IRL commitments mid-month that made it hard to swing back around to this. Are you still here? How are things going?

BraveSirRobin,

Yeah, still here. Still working on myself and my marriage. We had a set back first in 4 weeks. I didn't follow through on a comment I had made. I struggle when I see the pain in my H face. He doesn't want any kind of affection and is keeping his distance. I'm being respectful of his wishes at the same time I'm trying not to be cold. I still offer to do what I would normally do. I'm trying not to smother him and give him his space.

I don't really know how to handle set backs.

Thanks for checking back in.

Hi 15, from a WS, one way to handle setbacks is to remember it's really not about you anymore. Be there for him as much as you can?

My relationship with my Bh started while I was dating someone else too.

It sound to me that maybe you guys haven’t really communicated and talked things through. This is not a one time conversation. This is something that can go on for years. You have to not be defensive. Be transparent. And I hope that you are completely NC with both of these OM.

Your Bh may want access to you phone and accounts. Give it to him if he wants that.

Most of all, figure out what is going on with you, inside you, that gives you permission to have these wayward tendencies.

Glad you are here. Much wisdom around here.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 8:59 PM, December 5th (Saturday)]