The definition of reconcile is to bring back friendship and harmony.
By this definition, I'm reconciled.
And I would think most of you would agree I am far from reconciled.
In fact, I'm on track for divorce.
I've provided the "tentpole" events like the four month drama around the polygraph last year and things like the heart attack scare. And just the low level background noise of me not feeling I'm getting transparency and authenticity (which I think most people here would agree is a bare minimum for reconciliation).
Destroying texts permanently, getting rid of other evidence, being unwilling to provide a timeline for years, etc. That's not the behavior someone who wants to be truthful about what happened, no matter what level of "super spouse" they intend to be after DDAY.
But IRL things are pretty boring around my hacienda, and we are a surprisingly docile, easygoing household (which is one reason I've been concerned about the impact of divorce on my son).
I think most here would agree that I've given R a true "college try" (people like BSR warned me my WW wasn't a great candidate for R in any case, in spite of the many things of my WW has done in other areas).
How many threads have we seen that the BS says the WS has an inaccurate perspective of the state of the marriage? That the WS thinks they are happily reconciled, but the BS thinks differently? True reconciliation requires both parties to be on the same page.
And this is why I'm so adamant in so many threads about the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
It's why I'm so adamant about the bar for reconciliation being set so high -- that a BS should expect a marriage that is a major upgrade compared to anything they had previously. Not an "okay" marriage or a "good" marriage. But a great marriage. Anything less is settling for less.
I think people mistake this for being negative about reconciliation (some even deliberately misinterpret what myself and others have written on this topic as "burn the witch" nonsense when it is decidedly not).
As an aside, it is actually quite offensive to read passive aggressive commentary about "burn the witch" when I know exactly how I've behaved in the aftermath of DDAY toward my wife. Which is with nothing but courtesy, gentlemanly behavior and kindness. I'm sure this is the case for the vast majority of BH's.
It is incongruous then to read projections about "burn the witch" because we insist on not living by lies.
Live not by lies.
In me, you have someone who didn't even show up here on SI until three years after DDAY, limping along in a mangled state because I didn't feel I'd been given the truth. We see a lot of people showing up here like that, especially BH's (or BH's who find out years later).
Unfortunately, I think far too often these BH's (or BW's) are given some version of "well, maybe reconciliation just isn't for you" or "well, maybe it's just a deal breaker for you" -- this has the whiff of superiority and smugness.
I'm sorry it does.
"We did it right and we're just so damn happy about it. Sorry it didn't work out for you. Seems like you didn't do x,y or z right. Too bad for you."
This pervasive attitude is often attended by a series of real falsehoods. For example, it is finally (hallelujah) being recognized within the very Wayward forums that far too often WW's are supplied with what I call a "little lost girl in the woods" narrative to rationalize adultery.
This happens all the time in what are arguably supposed to be reconciliation success stories.
This is offensive to wives who have been faithful to their husbands and diminishes the equality of women in my view. I am thankful that at least one wayward is surfacing this problem.
As another example, it is deeply problematic if a BH has shown up here touting a series of books that are in essence apologetics for female infidelity. While also heavily medicating himself to numb himself out.
To see almost no one call this out for what it is seems incredibly disheartening and almost an invitation for a BH to rugsweep and swallow his pain with wrongheaded thinking.
ETA: It is also quite strange when a BS is counseled to essentially ignore the fact that the foundation of a long marriage has been eaten away by a longstanding lie about infidelity. It is almost as if all of the crowdsourced wisdom at SI is quickly dispensed with in these cases, oddly, in favor of "crediting" the long marriage itself (or the fact that the WS was "faithful" after an early dalliance). This is strange because we all know that a marriage "built" in this way by its very nature would lack authenticity and true intimacy. Thus a BS in this case is being counseled to pretend with a "noble lie" that the marriage has been something it is clearly not and never has been.
It's why I've recommended elsewhere we drop these far too easy phrases, and replace instead with something like this:
"Infidelity is always a dealbreaker. ALWAYS. In all likelihood, there were few problems in your marriage prior to adultery that amounted to anything insurmountable. Certainly no problems in a marriage justify infidelity, and it seems more likely that not that infidelity happens in the midst of good marriages as opposed to bad ones. But now, by definition you have a bad marriage. Or not even a marriage at all, because your WS has sundered the marital covenant by shattering your vows. Now you have a mountain to climb, and your WS has a Mt. Everest. You should start with the brute facts of the infideltiy, assume that the marriage has been terminated and then determine whether anything new can be constructed. The first thing that must happen is your WS must be completely transparent and authentic with the whole truth. Failing that, don't move to the reconciliation forums, don't smoke the hopium pipe, don't imagine a romanticized version of the future with a spouse you now know is capable of such cruelty, disregard and duplicity. Consider a physical therapeutic separation from someone who has abused you. Don't supply readings, books, checklists, requests, and really anything aside from limited "just the facts" communication. Then watch and wait. When the whole truth is delivered voluntarily, next must come not regret but true and authentic remorse attended by compensatory actions. Failing that, again stay on course with a therapeutic separation. If you begin to see genuine remorse backed by a series of deliberate and consistent compensatory actions, then you can consider reconciliation. But even before that, you will need 2-5 years to fully recover. Some of this may need to be lived apart for you own healing. Once YOU feel you have recovered on your own timeline, then you can examine the whole truth about the adultery in the light of day with a clear head and contemplate the compensatory actions the WS has taken during this time period. Then you can start the work of reconciliation should you choose, or divorce. But whatever you do, do not confuse or conflate reconciliation with forgiveness. Forgiveness is for you alone, and can as easily be attended by divorce as with reconciliation. Don't confuse love with R or D. You can love someone and forgive them, and still realize that divorcing them is the safest, healthiest and sanest response for your future wellbeing."
Interestingly the pattern I outlined above was the one used by a prominent couple that advocates across the country for healed marriages after infidelity. The husband was a good looking "alpha" who was everything a woman could hope for. Successful, smart, faithful. The wife, also attractive, decided (like many women seem to do for whatever reasons) that because she was receiving male attention at work, she was no longer attracted to her ideal loyal husband -- and she began serial cheating on him. They divorced. After a few years, the now ex-wife realized her "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" lifestyle was empty and she began maneuvering back into the ex-husband's life. He flat out turned down her overtures, after having seen who she in fact really was. After a number of years, she finally reached a place of real repentance and metanoia. It was only when this happened and she carried out consistent actions over time that the ex-husband began reconsidering. They remarried. They now speak and write about their experience all over the country.
I think that story would have turned out differently if the husband had not insisted on seeing true and genuine and authentic remorse.
So I can't endorse happy clappy responses to innocent souls.
I want to be happy again, too. Just like taking care of one's body, I don't see an easy path to that. I see that I must move through painful reality and deal with the world as it is to find it.
I can only endorse a steely eyed approach to getting the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And then building from there. I don't think it is helpful to counsel a BS to patiently wait for a WS to "get it" make their way out of some metaphorical fog, decide to tell the truth, or start acting as a loving spouse instead of an abusive one. I don't think it is helpful at all to elide flagrant instances of DARVO in service of some half baked reconciliation that the BS will regret months, years, or decades later.
I think a reckoning must happen here at SI as to why we consistently see BS's showing up many years later filled with regret about staying. There's an odd epistemological blindness about these cases that is analogous to the way that Marxists insist global communism simply got it wrong in the 20th century with all that unfortunate genocide, and we just need to try again with genuine communism.
I do enjoy reading about genuine reconciliation stories. What I don't enjoy reading is attempts to paper over gaping wounds, counseling blindness in the face of abuse, or stories where -- if one drills down enough -- one finds a marriage that is "good enough" but hardly anything one would consider a good marriage in the face of such a toxic transgression (a transgression which has now become so prevalent, or at least is being exposed more to the light of day now than it used to be, that is ripping the very fabric of our society apart).
[This message edited by Thumos at 10:26 AM, December 7th (Monday)]
