SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

5 1/2 months since dday. (I had a 5month ea/pa).

Some of you may remember me.. I haven't been on here much lately..

I am here due to overwhelming feelings of helplessness. And also to out myself.

When I first came to SI, honestly looking and reading back, I was still full of shit in ways... clouded in judgement and not strong at all!

Since then, 1-2 times weekly IC and books,TED talks, lots of research and thinking have changed the ways I think forever. And I have had fails. I am not completely perfect but I am aware and determined to live wholehearted. Its a process and a marathon.

As update, for the last 5 1/2 months, BS and I have been separated. He continues to keep a small light of hope up for R but he is going through depression and that small light seems to be going away..

Without giving too much of his private information I am asking you all if there is anything I can do to help him any further? He is struggling so bad with depression. Does go see IC once a week but honestly I feel as if it is not enough, he was talking about going to see a trauma specialist, has not see one yet as it is hard to get in these days..

BS is specifically struggling due to images he is seeing in his head. He knows details of what happened during pa upon his request and even met with AP months ago to question him about details.

Is there anything I can do to help him? I've reached the end of my line it seems. Done all and more that was asked. Changed my entire life around.

I am glad I did. And while I manage day to day, the self hate is certainly still there and will prob remain.

My BS is suffering and there is nothing I can do. I broke his heart and now he is suffering from depression. How can I help him survive this? How do other BS decide to R or find happiness again without their WS? It seems we are both breaking more and more each day and while I am so hoping and wishing for a new start together, I am aware it is unlikely.

I've read a lot about emotional dependence and I can say that I see myself certainly as emotional dependent on how BS is feeling. Knowing how he is feeling triggers my wish to A: help him, and then when I am not able to/ allowed to it triggers me to not want to live anymore in ways.

BS has suicidal thoughts he tells me. I truly want nothing more than for BS to be happy again. What can I do?

Due to my own work I know I can't do his work for him. I know he has to make his own decisions. But how can I just continue this way? It's been 5 1/2 months and I told him I will wait until there's nothing left in me and I mean that!

Is there BS or WS amongst you that have been in this situation? How does a BS decide what they want moving forward and can? Is there any resources that could help him to cope with mental images? any advice?

I am sorry but clearly I am desperate..

Desperate because I really want him to feel better. It seems impossible to think of anything else but BS pain. His suffering. I can only decide for me and control me. I just don't want to give up fighting for us. And fighting for him. Any advice is appreciated!

His pain, What I did to him.. I can't express my remorse in words. I broke him. Broke us. Our life. Took it and destroyed it all due to my own selfish and brokeness!

The work I can do on my side I am doing as much as possible. It is not a quick fix. But this post is essentially out of the helplessness that I truly want to support BS in any way he needs. His suffering is breaking him and also me apart and I can't help him this way.

Any advice?

Specifically, he just txt me last night and expressed his pain. Explained how the mental images are haunting him daily.. I have not txt him back yet. I am not sure what to say. There's nothing that hasn't been said. idk what to do anymore. The feelings are overwhelming and people continue to tell me I just need to take care of myself... I can't do that in this situation. Taking care of myself while knowing how badly he is suffering.. SI community I just don't know what to do anymore as there doesn't seem to be anything I can do..

Is he aware this forum exists? I found that talking about it as much as I could (because it takes over your life and your thoughts) with people who went through the same pain helped enormously.

Secondly... we didn’t separate therefore I was able to discuss it (read “have meltdowns”) with WH which gave him the opportunity to actively support emotionally even when I had suicidal thoughts, once he got his head out of his ass that is. I don’t know if there is an option where he can give you the opportunity to be there. Not answering his text... I don’t know about your BH but for me it would have been a sign of “whatever”.

My WH seemed to have had the same problem as you do initially, “it’s all been said before”. He used to say “I don’t want to repeat myself all the time as it sounds like a broken record”.

That’s wrong! Trauma response means that our brain doesn’t process the information the same way. We need to hear the same information again and again as many times as our brain needs to until it decides to accept it. Be it affair details or the fact that our pain matters. We need to see the WS jumping to the opportunity they are given to support with our pain.

You don’t realise but you are very lucky that he’s still sharing his pain with you. It means he still trusts you to be vulnerable in front of you. That is BIG! And what he gets back is silence. You’re missing your opportunity to show him you hear him, you care, he does matter.

Thank you for your response! I wrote that wrong I think: he txt me over night and I just saw the message an hour ago. I want to respond but I’m afraid I respond wrong. Does that make sense? Like no words could possibly describe what I want to say. I can’t not respond. In fact that’s been a problem. For me to just not respond instead I’ve responded too much.. he says he can’t see me. That it is making it worse. So he can’t allow me to be there for him. Where does that leave me? What can I do? Idk. I told him I’ll be there if he decides he wants me and I do mean that! But the fact that there has been physical symptoms for him and also for me scares me very much. I believe in us. More than anything else. But can’t Cary the weight of R if he does not want to does that make sense? I’m having a hard time expressing myself

Every BS on this forum and worldwide will have had physical symptoms. Losing/gaining weight. Lack of sleep. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. Shaking. The sensation that every pore on your body is irritated (as you’re still in hyper vigilant mode waiting to see where is the next hit coming from). The fact that he’s sharing with you is a good thing. Just take some time reading to understand better what his symptoms are.

What can you say? Everything you said before and more. Apologise apologise and apologise some more. Show him you looked into it and you know your shit. Don’t push for seeing him and respect his wishes but make sure you’re always there to support him.

Again... him having access to this forum would help a lot.

You will say something wrong, even if your weren't actually wrong. Sometimes there just isn't anything a WS can say or do that is correct. The point is don't stop trying to communicate, as long as he gives you the opportunity.

I don't know how you are separated. Maybe he doesn't want you at his place (cause its HIS safe place). Or maybe meeting at your place is too triggery. You could offer to meet somewhere neutral. If the weather isn't terrible, offer to meet at a park to talk. Suggest going for a walk somewhere. Someplace where he can let his guard down a little in case he gets emotional.

How does a BS decide what they want moving forward and can?

He probably hasn't even accepted his new reality yet. 5 1/2 months is soooo early. At a bare minimum I'd suggest tempering your expectations of him. He is literally just trying to survive.

Is there anything I can do to help him? I've reached the end of my line it seems. Done all and more that was asked.

Acts of service & kindness can help. I'll give an example, My xWS sent flowers to my mothers funeral service. I didn't know she did that until I saw them at the funeral. I was grateful for the gesture. Think of daily or weekly things that may help him. Just grocery shopping and doing laundry seemed like a monumental tasks that early on.

BS is specifically struggling due to images he is seeing in his head. He knows details of what happened during pa upon his request and even met with AP months ago to question him about details.

I strongly recommend EMDR therapy for him to help him deal with the images. There have been plenty of people here on SI who have benefited from EMDR therapy after struggling with so-called mind movies, i.e. intrusive images in one's mind. I recommend you do some research on this and then gently mention it to him. Good luck to both of you!

Rose,

In the beginning after D-Day all of us waywards are full of shit and not really honest with ourselves and those around us, and have clouded judgement, etc. It takes time to see that, and I'm sure in two years you'll look back and realize that even today you still were not there yet. That is a positive thing that shows you are doing the work.

I didn't separate from my BW so maybe a bit of a different situation, but I found that my BW didn't want apologies. She wanted to see that I was working to really change, that I was being honest and open and putting my selfishness to the side.

Neanderthal probably gives you the closest insight as he did separate from his WW.

I will say this though - I realized that if my BW called, emailed, texted - that I responded right away. I would pull over on the highway so I could send her a text reply. My responses were not always well thought out, but they were honest. Later my BW told me that in the early days my responsiveness was one of the things that helped her chose to stay and try to work on R because my actions showed her that she did matter to me.

Let your guard down and be honest and really communicate when you get a chance.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 9:07 AM, December 4th (Friday)]

You've gotten some good advice, IMHO.

One thing is that YOU can dig into relational betrayal trauma. Put it this way, if your BS had cancer, you'd be googling the crap out of the type, the treatment, etc. Your spouse is suffering and the more you can learn about & understand what that looks like for HIM, I think the more likely you are to find tools that can help support him. I can see how this may be a heavy lift for a WS in that the more the WS learns about the depth of damage, the easier it is to fall into shame.

I was suicidal A LOT, esp in year 1. I ultimately gave myself 6 months, and then another, and now I don't need to do it anymore. My self talk was basically, I have cancer of my brain and I will continue treatment, but if I don't see/feel any progress by x date, I have decided to end my life (the look on my ICs face when I said this was, in retrospect, kind of funny). It may sound crazy, but that perspective really helped my particular brand of brain wiring. As once I set that date, whenever suicidal thoughts crept into my brain, I'd just turn it off, as I had made a commitment to myself that it not be an option until x date.

Read up on what apology looks like after infidelity. Going from memory, I believe it includes validation of the pain, ownership of causation, and commitment to change and do better in the future (I may be missing something here - but there are several online resources on this topic).

Have you worked on empathy? Read any Brene Brown? She has a short you tube video on empathy that I thought was simplistic, but pretty good. I LOVE the audio of her "Power of Vulnerability" lecture series (got on Hoopla via my local library - it's about 6-8 hours long, not the quickie you tube videos). I've read all her books, and still find that lecture series synthesizes things the best.

And I really want to emphasize this:

You are very lucky that he’s still sharing his pain with you. It means he still trusts you to be vulnerable in front of you. That is BIG!

I absolutely agree. My WH's head is still to far gone for him to understand that when I stopped sharing my pain with him it was not bc the pain was gone, it was bc I had given up on being vulnerable and hoping for an empathetic response that never came. Learning to be empathetic and communicating that is crucial IMHO

Godspeed

My BH has the mind movies too for quite a while. 2 years? Never was depressed but very angry.

I agree that that fact that he is reaching out to you at all is good. He may lash out and not like your response but he is communicating. Try to empathize and apologize and ask how you can help. Answer any questions honestly. Be there. For goodness sake don’t ignore the texts though.

Can he join this site? Might be great to see he’s not alone. It’s not for everyone but you could suggest it. If so, you should have some ground rules about pairing in each others’ threads and stuff.

being separated never helps recovery.

if you told your BH everything then it was a bad idea for

him to have spoken with the OM. It is bad enough to hear

from a WW details about her PA.

how was your BH before he spoke with your OM?

what did your OM tell your BH?

all you can do is remember actions speak louder than words.

show him your are not breaking NC, not dating anyone while

separated. being honest. all these things help repair broken

trust.

plan quality time together to help rebonding.

being separated never helps recovery.

could not disagree with this more.

Being S absolutely helped my recovery.... and I suppose had my WH ever chosen to do the work, it could have helped his as well (his choice).

Every situation is unique, and what works for one may not work for another, but choosing to S from my WH was the BEST thing I could have ever done for myself in my situation.

If I have it right, your H shared his story some months ago and then dropped off after you started posting. Do you think it would be worth getting to vent to the members here?

Do you have any communication with his friends and family? If he is generally depressed that is bad enough, but if you really think he is contemplating self harm, you really should reach out to someone who might help him, even if you are on some kind of NC with him.

Rose,

Are either of you two working? Does the employer provide Employee Assistance Program (EAP) as a benefit?

If they do you should consider reaching out and taking advantage of this benefit.

Rose,

How's it going for you since your last post?