SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In all my life, I never believed I would be in this position. I never thought I would be facing a crumbling marriage and know in my heart that it is my fault. I never thought I would be a WH. I never thought I would hurt the woman I love so badly.

Both I and my wife are 23. We have been together for 7 going on 8 years and have been married for 3 going on 4. Ever since my wife and I met, I have had an unhealthy friendship that turned into a 3 year long emotional affair with a mutual friend of ours. It finally got to the point that I knew the two of them were going to talk, and that I couldn't live in this lie any longer. D Day was almost 3 weeks ago. I trickle truthed, I hid from my mistakes and I lied. I came clean completely within about 4 days, but by then I had caused an untold amount of damage to her, her trust in me, her security and to our relationship. We have been spending time together, doing activities and getting out of the house. I have been listening and repentant and working on myself and my problems. I am in IC and so is she.

2 nights ago she told me she wanted a divorce and that she was sure. Up until then, she told me she wasn't sure what she wanted, but now she is sure. My heart is broken. I know why she wants to leave, and looking at our marriage, that may be the best thing for her, but it is still painful. Its painful to know what I did to her. Its painful to remember our happy memories and ask myself why that wasn't enough for me. Its painful to know I am just a bucket with a thousand holes in it, and that my wife and my family and my friends kept trying to fill me up and make me happy, but that I was broken and couldn't accept it. I just kept chasing what I thought would make me feel better, and in the process I destroyed my marriage, betrayed my wife, betrayed myself and destroyed both of our lives. I have gone no contact with the AP as soon as all of this happened, and I have been trying desperately to fix things, but she seems to have made up her mind. I am hopeful she changes her mind, because I love her and I want to be with her, but more than anything I want her to be happy, and that probably means being as far from me as she can be. I'm really just messed up right now and I feel like garbage. I am still trying to repair my marriage, but I am also trying to repair myself.

I guess I just needed to vent to people who would understand. Sorry if this is rambling or not welcome here. I know I made mistakes and I know I don't deserve a second chance, it just doesn't make it any easier. I want my wife and I want her to be happy, but I don't know if having both is possible.

GW,

I get it. It just feels like your world is falling apart. But, you need to pick yourself up and stop trying to control the outcome of this. Your BW is only a few weeks out from D-Day, she is upset, her world is upside and she has decided enough is enough. No amount of begging from you will change that. But, who knows, maybe if you do the hard work to fix yourself that your BW may see it and give you another chance.

Right now, the best thing you can do is get some therapy. Spend the time to figure out why you needed to cheat. This is important because if you don't fix yourself then you may do this again in the future. This is not a quick fix.

There is a pinned post at the top of the Wayward Forum - take a read, it may help you.

MrCleanSlate

You are right. Thank you for taking the time to reply to this. I can't control it, and even if I could, I shouldn't. A marriage is about mutual respect and love. I broke my vows and broke them for a long time. She needs time to heal and she needs to make decisions to take care of herself, and I need to focus on me and how to fix myself so I can never do this again. The thought of being without her makes me physically ill, but I know I can't beg her to stay. When I get home from work tonight, provided she is willing, I want to present options to her outside of divorce, but be respectful and let her know I respect her decision if she still wants to leave after hearing those other things. Its my instinct to run and hide from my pain, and maybe that has something to do with why I am in this situation in the first place.