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Today is the 10th anniversary of Dday for me and sisoon. This year has been a hard one for both of us, maybe because 10 is such a round number. After ten years, the Inner Child can’t pretend that this never happened – that it’s just a bad dream that will go away. But I did what I did, and I hurt sisoon, and it will never go away.

We’ve had more flashbacks, more questions, and more discussions. A lot of them were about our courtship, which was both happy because we stuck together through misunderstandings and got to the point of feeling safe in our connection with each other, and sad because we didn’t realize earlier that we both wanted to be together and just had different issues and different ways of communicating that we needed to work through.

For me this has also been a good year – painful, but good. I have little by little gotten to the point where I can be conscious of and work through some of the issues that supported my affair – codependence and Rescuing, underlying negative beliefs about myself, and fears of others, that led to my putting up walls between myself, others and life, and piles of old and new grief, anger and shame.

As Churchill said, this is not the beginning of the end, but rather the end of the beginning. I can sometimes, and to some extent, live in reality rather than my old scripts. The reality of me, as an ordinary human being (that’s the ‘plain’ in plainsong’), and not a monster or saint, the reality of others, as basically well-intentioned, and the reality of life, as unpredictable (which I hate), but as a source of joy as well as of pain.

I know the future will also have both joy and pain. I am so lucky to have a partner with whom I share so many values, interests and goals. How rare is it that both of us are connected to our synagogue, like blues, bluegrass, Indian classical music, and percussion, and enjoy discussing history, language and psychology? We also have differences that make life more interesting. And some differences in temperament and processing style that can create difficulties, which with the help of our therapist we are learning to deal with.

My coping mechanisms are in the nature of compartmentalizing. As I integrate myself more, my issues don’t go away. I now just have to deal with them without those defenses. I need to deal with grief, guilt, resentment, fear, and shame, as well as relationships, productivity, contribution to the common good, learning, appreciation of art and nature, and connection to spirit, as a person with what has been called “single personality disorder,” rather than “multiple personality disorder”. Or, to put it another way, to deal with the shared existential dilemmas of human life, where we are not perfect but can and must continue to develop and increase our capacities to be kind to ourselves and others.

Wishing you all a good new year.

plainsong,

I hope that all WSs and BSs read this and realize that the 2 to 5 years is not a be all end all time frame and that a person's work on themselves might not end at a certain date on the calendar.

For those that wonder if this ever ends your post reinforces the many who state that while the pain may be reduced the scars are always there.

Take heart though as scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.

Hi plainsong.

Time flies. It’s feels like yesterday when you were posting about reaching 9 years. If I remember, you had said that you thought right away that 2-5 years wouldn’t fit for you but it would be more like 10. How do you feel now that you’ve reached this milestone? Are you where you thought you might be?

@fooled13years - I think the timing is different for everyone and also different for a BS vs a WS. But even so, my understanding of the 2-5 year timeline doesn’t refer to healing. It refers to the R journey. The ongoing work and healing is separate from that.

I'm 7+ years out. It's been radio silence about my A between BW and I for about the past 5 of those. Just the other day I was playing music from my computer and she said that the song that was playing reminded her of my AP. First I'd heard of that. I didn't ask why, just apologized again for what I did, for hurting her, told her I regretted it every day of my life. Moral (?) of the story. . . it never ends, it never goes away, it's in the BS's heart and soul forever.

Thank you for sharing. It is so helpful, and hopeful, to read about where couples are in the process and what challenges they face, and when. We just ended year 4 and are walking into year 5 together. That 2-5 year guesstimate is a good one, but I agree, as you said, that doesn't mean in any way that we're "done". In many ways, it feels like more of a beginning, like the next step. We are good with crawling, now it's time to try and walk.

Do you have kids? How has this process been for them?

I pray that as time goes on, it continues to get easier.

sisoon has helped so many of us. I wish y'all the very best this season.

As Churchill said, this is not the beginning of the end, but rather the end of the beginning

Where reconciliation ends, a marriage must grow. And a marriage is a lifelong endeavour.

Thanks to everyone for your responses, encouragement, and perspective.

MrsWalloped, - Yes I am where I thought (hoped) I would be at 10 years, and very grateful for it. I was fearful at the beginning that I would reach the stage of dementia (my mother died of it) without having worked through my false selves to get to my real self. My real self is still often scared, angry and ashamed, but I can become aware of that now and work to get to a better place.

DaddyDom,- We have an adult son, who we decided not to tell. This was in response to a posting on SI from a member who said his parents had reconciled and he wished they had never told him about the affair. We did tell him I was closing my practice because of a client who had become too much for me to deal with properly. He expressed sympathy for my overwhelm but didn't ask any questions - he has really good boundaries.

forgettableDad - I like the phrase "marriage is a lifelong endeavor". Though I am where I had hoped I would be at ten years, I am not where I want to be. My development as an individual and as a marriage partner will continue, and I am grateful for each new insight and each new ability to be the person I want to be.