SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tired of this rollercoaster. Some days I feel hopeful, energetic, happy, dare I say. Other days I wake up with anxiety so intense I can't function other than to watch tv and cruise social media. And just when I think I get it, I've processed the reality of who he is and know that who I loved wasn't even fucking real, I'm weepy over that phantom.

I feel flat lately - nothing bringing joy or hope and nothing terrible happening either. I want to be content with things as they are because nothing may change radically in my life at this point, at least I hope it doesn't (don't want a major move, new relationship or huge career shift). I just don't seem to be able to find happiness in what I have. It's terribly ungrateful - I have more than most, except no family outside of my kids. I miss having a best friend and/or other adults I trust and can count on. I've always found that having good people around me makes even the worst of times bearable.

I do mostly enjoy my young adult son. He's disabled and needs a lot of ongoing parenting but he's a love and good company. Other times, I just want to isolate and I can't because he needs me. My dog is my best buddy, but I feel guilty that my depression gets in the way of giving him regular walks.

I 'm also so troubled by the fact that my STBX is still very much in my head. He's just a constant hovering thought lurking in the shadows. It's like my head space is suffused with him. Doesn't help that he manages to insert himself into my actual life with some regularity.

This really sucks sometimes.

Skeeter, my experience has been very similar to yours.

And I think this is just part of the healing. You know that 2-5 years? Yeah... it takes longer than we want. I described it once as my life being like a peach. A perfect summer peach that looked amazing and smelled like a summer day. But when you take a bite it’s actually quite mealy and not the taste of perfection it looked like it would be.

I have done a lot of IC to get through this — in my case I struggle with having never felt like I was enough, not to anybody ever. And the mess of the last few years brought all my fears to the surface. Working through these has helped me a lot. It was no longer my ex — I was over that.

The net: Keep moving forward. Know that some of this plain of lethal flatness can affect us not in R too. Seek help where you feel works for you. Covid can’t be helping.

Hang in there.

Thanks, BB.

Yes, I think I have a bit of that feeling of never being enough too. I've had two cheaters and a non-cheating narc as serious partners. The other relationship, which I always considered the most healthy, I'm starting to think was a narc too, perhaps to a lesser degree.

I was loving my IC initially, but I don't really know wtf we're doing. I guess I should ask. Mostly I update her on my week. I've tried sharing the historic issues this is bringing up for me, but she doesn't follow up with questions or meaningful feedback. Maybe she's assessed me as in triage right now - not time to dig deep. She's a CSA and a psychologist, so I trust she knows what she's doing but I often feel like I'm not getting a lot out of the sessions other than her insights into SA and encouragement to stay NC.

2-5 years horrifies me. I keep telling myself it's going to be two but that's right around the corner so maybe not. Dday happened before we were even married for two years. The idea of this taking longer than the actual marriage is not a happy thought.

Covid is certainly complicating this. What a time to lose the security of a partner, and my income has taken a huge hit. I have a little Covid pod I do some things with but it's very casual - not like best of friends. It all feels uncertain and empty.

What gets me is there's a lot I could be doing if I wasn't hobbled by this damned PTSD and depression. I have a lot of free time but I waste it.

I was loving my IC initially, but I don't really know wtf we're doing. I guess I should ask. Mostly I update her on my week. I've tried sharing the historic issues this is bringing up for me, but she doesn't follow up with questions or meaningful feedback. Maybe she's assessed me as in triage right now - not time to dig deep. She's a CSA and a psychologist, so I trust she knows what she's doing but I often feel like I'm not getting a lot out of the sessions other than her insights into SA and encouragement to stay NC.

I'm no expert on this at all but I have to wonder if she's so focused on the SA part that she's not seeing the PTSD and trauma. And if that's the case, she's doing things in the wrong order because feedback and guidance might make all the difference for you right now. My counselor is sort of New Age-y and I just love her - she hones right in on what I'm feeling before I can identify it myself most of the time. And she always has a parable or an article for me to read or a mental exercise to do, etc.

My first counselor taught me how the amygdala works and that was a huge help to me. And then she taught me how to breathe properly. She was what I needed at the time. But once I got the panic under control, I outgrew her because she moved on to helping me organize my life and I still needed to be told I wasn't a horrible person who brought this shitshow upon myself. I've been super disorganized since my life blew up and was complaining about it to her when she suggested I make a list. There are so many lists on m kitchen counter and table, I have lists to keep track of my lists. So I knew then that I needed something different.

So trust your gut and if you don't get good answers from her, maybe it's time to move on to a new counselor.

Alternatively, if any of the 12 Step programs would be applicable in your situation, I highly recommend it. They're all different, of course, but the basic premise is the same with all of them,they're all ways to find peace and serenity. And the friendship and camaraderie of being with people who understand how you feel and have worked their way through it is, IMHO, the best thing ever. Sort of like having S.I. in person.

2 - 5 years is just the way it is. I started off gung ho and was going to do the Advanced Placement version because being as old as I was, 5 years might be all I had left. But I'm here to tell you, you can't hurry love, The Supremes were right.

(2-5 years to heal isn't necessarily 2-5 years of feeling horrible and unhappy. Try to envision it as your time for you. This is your time to get to know yourself and make your good points better and start healthy sleeping and eating habits, etc. So that your life after rebirth is fantastic and wonderful in every way.)

Thanks, Josie. This makes a lot of sense. I've always been a bit of a therapist switcher - once the sessions become stale and without progress for a month or two I either stop going or find someone new. I always felt like I was doing something wrong but maybe I'm not alone in this

I think I present as more together and okay than I actually am. I'm extremely reserved and introverted irl. I hate wearing my heart on my sleeve, even with a therapist. I find crying in front of people humiliating - I know I've got FOO issues ;/ Sometimes I think they just don't get how much I'm struggling because of this.

I wish I could find a 12 step that works for me. I'm incredibly turned off by all of the codependency talk. I was victimized by a con artist. Interrogating myself for my short comings feels like self-abuse at this point in my healing. He was all too happy to do that for the last year+ post dday. I don't want to do this to myself and yet I could really use the support of an in-person or zoom group. I suppose I need to keep looking.

2-5 years to heal isn't necessarily 2-5 years of feeling horrible and unhappy. Try to envision it as your time for you. This is your time to get to know yourself and make your good points better and start healthy sleeping and eating habits, etc. So that your life after rebirth is fantastic and wonderful in every way.

I love this perspective - thank you!