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Ok - just to be clear, I'm not dating this guy and I've told him that explicitly. He went away for awhile but just sent a random couple of texts.

In one text he referenced a book he apparently read because I said I liked the author. His reference was related to someone in the book "getting head." It's literature by the way, not smut, although there may be sex scenes. I honestly don't remember, because I read this particular book like 25 years ago. He said nothing about the writing style, if he liked the book, the story etc.

Is this normal or appropriate? Do people who don't know each other well talk to each other like this?? Am I hopelessly out of date to find this offensive? I'm clearly a progressive, hip kind of person but that doesn't mean I want men I barely know to speak to me like this. I just don't get it.

I also find it transparent - clearly the man wants sex. I just ignored him after that.

Hell to the no.

I find it interesting/borderline creepy about him remembering the name of the author much less taking the step to read one of his books in his attempt to connect with you on some level.

Looking up a few utube videos to an unfamiliar artist is one thing...

But to use that kind of language. No. He has no where reached that level of familiarity. Much less bringing it up as to what he got out of the entire book. I would clearly tell him you are offended.

Flirting that is reciprocated is one thing...it feels like to me he is clearly putting something out there to gauge your reaction and if he can push your boundaries.

FTS, shield up and call him out on the offensive language. I hate the fact that he is a neighbor. Your house and block should be a sense of peace and quiet!

🤮

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:10 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]

He’s a pig. Plain & simple.

He appears to be looking for sex from who ever is willing to provide it.

He’s probably behaved that way with many more people.

Skeeter I would loudly and firmly tell him to go away. IME with douchebags like this, when you try to be "nice" about it, they will purposely overstep. You make it loud and blatant and not nice at all you have a better chance of getting the point into his dumb noggin.

Or if you don't want a confrontation (which I can't blame you if you don't), delete and block his ass. Eventually he will get the point.

And no - that isn't normal and it is pretty creepy.

Thanks everyone. I just didn't know if I was out of touch with how people conversed. I know we're all adults, and I would be okay with that kind of language/conversation with close friends - although the expression "head" is revolting to me, but seems like someone courting you should be a gentleman - no?

it feels like to me he is clearly putting something out there to gauge your reaction and if he can push your boundaries.

Yes, that's what it felt like to me. What a weird way to gauge if there's mutual interest in sex - so bizarre. How about getting to be friends and seeing if there are sparks, which clearly there weren't the one time we went out, etc??? Making crass references wouldn't work on me if I was interested. Plus, he had an opportunity there to show interest in my interests. This is a serious award-winning writer (Jeannette Winterson). He might've engaged me in a serious convo about literature, showed his brain, showed he appreciated my taste and instead he showed off what a juvenile sleaze ball he is.

Or if you don't want a confrontation (which I can't blame you if you don't), delete and block his ass. Eventually he will get the point.

That's my plan. Ick to this shit.

You need to stop responding altogether until he gets it.

This is not respectful to you. You made yourself clear that you didn't want to date, right?

You made yourself clear that you weren't interested in a sexual relationship with him right?

You have in no way given any signs that you want to engage in this behavior with him right?

Then it's completely and totally disrespectful. Let this clown simmer in his own stew for a while, like forever. Weirdo.

Yes, exactly - told him I wasn't interested in dating and this is where he foes - total weirdo - good luck finding a date, idiot. Does this kind of thing work on anyone????

He started off his text asking for something for his son, so I responded and immediately he switched to this sex reference. So incredibly scummy and gross.

His reference was related to someone in the book "getting head."

Wow how old is he 13

I would go dark on him... gross

I love the idea of just going totally dark. I've tried being nice and forthright but clearly that has only led to even worse behavior. There's also something hostile and passive aggressive about what he did. It's like he's saying, I read this book for you and now you don't want to date me, so I'm going to be an offensive pos.

I think this guy is pretty clueless. I suspect, in his mind having a friend with benefits just a couple of houses away is a big plus. So he is just moving forward with his solution to satisfy his needs regardless of your interest in participation.

I have two friends that had married neighbor men show up on the porch as soon as my friend's divorce was announced. The men cut right to the chase: newly divorced/separated women need "servicing" and they were volunteering. Super ick at the time and neighborhood picnics were very uncomfortable.

Dating within the neighborhood is about as problematic as in the workplace.

This is why I will wave at my neighbors but don't socialize with them at all if I can help it 😂

My home is my sanctuary and very few people are allowed into it.

Personally I would tell him to get bent.

"You have clearly crossed boundaries of decency and I find it appalling, and disgusting. The reason I am telling you this is so you may use this information to find a woman. But as far as I go, Do NOT contact me again.

Then Block his ass. Seriously. Going dark is passive and he can use the I never knew bullshit. Draw a boundary. You will be amazed at how good it feels.

Once the boundary is drawn if he crosses it, I would not hesitate to file an order of protection. I also would not hesitate to let him see I carry either. But that's me, I'm a take no bullshit from anyone kind of gal.

I suspect, in his mind having a friend with benefits just a couple of houses away is a big plus. So he is just moving forward with his solution to satisfy his needs regardless of your interest in participation.

That's my assessment as well. I really resent his assumption that I would be game for this.

The men cut right to the chase: newly divorced/separated women need "servicing" and they were volunteering.

They've been watching too much tv or something. Haven't they heard of "BOB"?

This is why I will wave at my neighbors but don't socialize with them at all if I can help it

I've really tried to just wave - he's been very pushy. On one hand he does help elderly neighbors and such - I assumed he was a helpful sort. But I've always tried to do a quick wave and only if I can't plausibly pretend to not have seen him.

"You have clearly crossed boundaries of decency and I find it appalling, and disgusting. The reason I am telling you this is so you may use this information to find a woman. But as far as I go, Do NOT contact me again.

I'd love to do this but then I'd have massive anxiety that he was going to retaliate in some way. I don't want an out and out enemy across the street. I agree ignoring him is passive and doesn't read as a boundary though. If he gives me an opening, I'll once again reiterate I'm not interested.

If he gives me an opening, I'll once again reiterate I'm not interested.

He gave you an opening with the last text message he sent.

I don't think he is going to take the hint by ignoring him. Actually, he is not taking the verbal messages either. He has a giant block for a head and only one thing on his mind.

He is a pig with no manners. Pure and simple. He should be treated as such.

You need to stop responding altogether until he gets it.

This is the wrong answer.

Instead:

You need to stop responding altogether.

There, much better.

He is a pig with no manners. Pure and simple. He should be treated as such.

Love this. For some reason this really covered it for me. I've always seen him as that helpful neighbor but yeah, he's a pig.

Barcher, absolutely. If I resume any contact after he seems to "get it," he'll be back to where he started instantly.

I'd love to do this but then I'd have massive anxiety that he was going to retaliate in some way

The fact that you fear retaliation is from your personal history. A normal person would say thanks or fuck you and be done.

Again I encourage you to draw a firm boundary. Then block.

2 reasons. It leaves no doubt and no opening for him. Second it will show you that setting a firm boundary can be quite empowering. The strength you feel after doing something like this will help you in the future.

TN, that makes a lot of sense and would be a huge step for me in growing boundaries. I'm doing it.

Good for you. Boundaries were as difficult for me as learning to say no, and mean it. It does get easier with practice. As an aside, the passive aggressive Walter Mitty (the Danny Kaye version) persona I used to channel would have come up with a grand plan. Something along the lines of sending him an anonymous note with the Mike Tyson quote " Everybody has a plan, until the get punched in the mouth". Then added a couple of DVD's. One being Delores Claiborne, the other being Misery. A Kathey Bates binge a thon. Be strong, you can do it.

[This message edited by Junior at 5:14 PM, February 8th (Monday)]

I also would not hesitate to let him see I carry either. But that's me, I'm a take no bullshit from anyone kind of gal.

Tush I am laughing so hard right now...I think you would make a fun friend

I took up target archery with a friend again for fun but maybe all the targets along the drive are keeping the house safer from being broken into.

Seriously tho I think people do need to trust their guts about what feels and is safe. Just because someone is a neighbor does not make them safe and does not give them a right to make sexual comments. My ick meter is going off.

[This message edited by Shehawk at 8:48 PM, February 8th (Monday)]